need a hand hold, am losing the plot

[turbonerd]

I have 3 DC with a violent ex. Moved country but he followed us here. (Not UK). Despite aprroaching services and a sadly useless solicitor, we Had to go to mediation and he now has the two oldest 50 % despite them having a 30 min bus trip to school each way from where he lives. They are boys and adore their dad.
At one point the antipathy towards me and my family was hard to handle, but it has eased off since xmas.

My youngest is autistic. Not high functioning. She used to be very withdrawn and scared of her dad, butas she has been shielded from him for the last 3 yrs she behaves towards him like she does with everyone now: hhappy and content. I supervised contact, 2x2 h per month.Not sustainable I guess, but I will not let her be alone with him. He questioned her diagnosis, refused to read books about it, does not know her and she does not know him either.
After a break due to car in garage he claims I hindered contact. Now he wants unsupervised contact, progressing to sleepovers. I'm bricking it.
I have a new solicitor, but am petrified. My ex abused me sexually etc.
So lately I've started to think of ways to commit suicide. But I would have to take my daughter with me as her father has parental responsibility. I know this sounds nuts, I just dont know what to do.
Sorry this is long.
I have family and new boyfriend, but with this latest thing, I'll never be rid of my ex. And if I die he'll get to our daughter. My heart is breaking

Suicide is not the way. I do not know what to suggest but couldn't not comment.

I know it sounds overly dramatic. I just feel so lost. We were doing well, me and the little one. My boys are very difFerent. One is fine, Lots of friends. The other one is having trouble at school, always trouble with his one friend etc. Can deal with that.We talk and I try to give them a calm and stable home. With limitations as I have to look after their sister.
But cant deal with the chance that my ex may abuse my daughter. She cant talk, would have little or no understanding. She would just wilt, like she did When she was small.
Also, I have no job or enough education to get one. My ex always said I was pathetic and I'm starting to believe him.
It worries me that I

You sound extreamly down, are you able to talk to your gp?

Your children need you, you are strong and you will over come this.

You have people who care for you and will listen xx

I have spoken to my gp, but he didnt seem to think it was anything to think about. I got signed off sick from a temp job last year, but didnt go back as I study.
I cant talk to anyone about this. They all think I'm chirpy and strong.
My boyfriend has his own kids to focus on. My family has helped me above and beyond.
I know suicide is a crap thing. But thinking that he could abuse my daughter the way he did me makes me lose the plot. How do I protect her? I cant run away, I hope the courts will stop him, but that is not a given. After all, he has the two older ones. There is no proof he will abuse her, though he was convicted for sexual assault and common assault on me.
But cant afford to finish my studies as a change of rules would mean 3 more years instead of 1.

Hi OP, is there any way you could come back to the uk? There is so much support and professional advice available here, I completely agree about not leaving him alone with your daughter, I don't understand how anyone with half a brain (mediator not you) could allow him 50 50 custody of your sons either! Suicide is definitely not the answer ... 💐

HI turbonerd
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread , and we really hope things start to look up for you soon and that you can get some proper RL support wherever you are,
Peace and love to you
MNHQ