A mess

[Cannitgetitrigt]

I've NC, sorry. I've been with oh for ten years. I have to my shame, always been bad with money and oh has bailed me out in the past. It is far easier to say here where I'm just a name. Over the last year I've been much better and have actually managed to save, I also have a stocks and shares ISA which I pay £100 a month. I've had a bad year with my dad having to go into care plus problems with my dsm being ill and various other problems. Oh is older than me and I work for him also, this is relevant. He's been sorting out some of his financial things,, pension review plus investments and this afternoon he asked how my bank account is, nothing joint but I did have a credit card on his account though I very rarely used it. Stupidly I said my account was fine, it is, nothing over drawn money there no problem. The stupid part is that I have such a ridiculous stubborn streak so I thought that was an acceptae answer, which it isn't. As the day went on he became accusing and angry as I refused to show him so he became more convicted I was lying and I dug my heels in. It's ended up with hi cutting up the credit card, my card but his account. He's changed pass words and has told me not to touch anything financial of his at all. He isn't a person to back down and I do know I've overstepped the line as far as he's concerned it means I don't trust him which I suppose is the only way he will look at it. This could cost me my relationship, his words plus my job. Sounds dramatic but it's true. I know I e got form for money issues so it's being unreasonable for me to refuse to show him it's all ok. I seem to have a self destruct button at times. He says I'm arrogant, I don't but is it possible to see it in yourself? Why I'm so stupidly stubborn is the big question. My mum was an alcoholic and has been dead many years, my oh tonight said I must be like her and that while he sat watching me he thought what it must have been like for my dad trying to sort her out. That made me remember being small, maybe five years old, running up the steps to the back door and I sme how put my arm straight through a glass panel. I only scratched myself but my dad was cross and said I had to say sorry for breaking the glass. I wouldn't because I didn't do it on purpose, I was called to go in the house so up the steps I went, pushed the door and the glass was broken. I ended up being sent to bed because I wouldn't apologise. I have a problem admiring I'm wrong. How do I sort this out? I will really try to take on board and advice given. Thank you.

larrygrylls I thought I was going to feel that way too (my DH isn't good with money, still isn't which is why I won't have a joint account).

Then I read everything else about his behaviour and he's clearly controlling in all aspects of the OP's life. Aussiebean was the first to acknowledge that being crap with money would lead to mistrust and the other partner needing to check, but not the rest of the behaviour and I agree.

Perhaps reread the comments and then refer back to all the OP's posts as she's clearly in an abusive relationship.

Thanks for all your replies. Questions. No children involved. My personal account not his card account being questioned.
I've had a lot of problems with my dads situation and my step mum. Sadly my step mum has dementia too, this is why she has carers going four times a day, this has got worse since my dad went in to care. I'm going through throng process of beicing a deputy for my dad as there was no POA in place. One step brother has POA for step mum. My dad has been in care for eight months now, he's fully funded for his care because of his particular problems but I've had to pay out for court fees all plus many other things on his behalf, his carephone until it was changed over to step mums name, respite care before his full time care came through. I've had no direct access to his pensions so I've had to ask my sb to transfer money to cover some of these bills. I'm expecting a very large solicitors bill at least £3000 which will come out if my dads account once I can access it but I'm stressed as though I've not received the bank statements yet, I've got an interim order but I've been sent a list of all direct debits. The money being paid out of the joint account is considerable her care is £650 a month for home help. The long and the short of it is both dads private and state pensions which come to £17000 a year is still going into the joint account but not once has anyone asked if dad needs anything, there is only me who visits him. This has caused me a hell of a lot of stress
Back to my oh. Today he said sorry for last night. That he only wants toile sure that I'm ok financially and that because of my past history with money goes before me.
I know I can't carry on like this and I'm planning a running away plan. I'm going to start shifting as mic money as possible into an old account I have with a building society. It's a pass book so I can draw out cash from my bank and put it in the building society and my rainy day fund which matures this month will be going in there too. For what it's worth my monthly wage is £1400, I pay £850 to oh for bills, £100 into an ISA £35 other savings. Life insurance £8, pet insurance £34,£22 car insurance £11 car tax, £25 dog grooming plus anything else which is by cash.

Sorry for all the typos, I'm replying quickly and I'm on my phone.

He is a vile abuser and you need to get away from him. You pay all that out in bills, what does he bloody well pay? Seems like he makes you pay for everything to keep you short so you can't leave him. Whose name is the ISA in?

He pays the mortgage all the bills are in his name, council tax utilities etc. plus he has two private pensions and investments he pays into on a monthly basis. The ISA I mentioned is mine. The lump sum I pay is contributing towards the bills it's quite a large house and high council tax band so high bills. I'm saving up now for an escape plan so I.can get away.

£850 per month? I should have said thieving cunt, not just cunt. He is living off you. I like your running away plan.

It's his large house. Not yours.

Well done. You have been through a lot with your dad and step-mum so you are being very strong right now.

He sounds awful. Keep posting here OP, lots of MNers have survived domestic abuse and will give you the support you need to find the courage to leave him.

If he jeopardises your plan to escape you need to pack a bag, get ID and anything precious and get the fuck out of there. Call your local women's refuge or Women's Aid and they will help you. You are being emotionally and financially abused - you need to be strong and LTB. I'm so sorry this has happened to you but he is treating you appallingly. Please seek help

Obviously factor in your last £850 into your escape fund. Rather than into his savings.

I feel more positive today than I have for a long time, thanks to you all. I'm a shadow of the person I was and what's left isn't that nice any more. I used to be outgoing chatty and happy. Now I'm told I talk too much and that its all crap when I speak, depending on his mood. Twice in the last few weeks it's even been down to daft things like who's on TV. One day we were watching something and oh said about this actor being in a film. I'd no idea which film he was talking about so must have looked blank to which he did a really exaggerated bank expression, he is forever mimicking me, how I stand, fold my arms and how I speak. I said again I didn't know the film he was talking about so he made a big deal about looking on the net, turns out he had the wrong one so no wonder I didn't know what he was talking about. It's these little things that seem so pathetic to mention on their own but they pull me down bit by bit. I find the mimicking the worse, and if I complain he puts his hand up to his ear, and uses it like a puppet nagging in his ear and says that's all he ever hears and that I have a witch voice. This is still all my fault because I don't do as I'm told and I just need to shut the fuck up and leave him alone.

Apparently if I leave him alone he's fine but by that he means I have to do what he wants and when he wants. it's like his hobby, its telly taken over his life, he spends a day and a half doing it at weekend, reads lots about it during the week but gets all huffy if I don't seem interested.

More typos, that should be totally taken over his life

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and make contact asap.

WA help single women as well as those who are married/have dc to break free of abusive relationships and, as you sound incredibly ground down, isolated, and vulnerable from the years of emotional and financial abuse you have endured, I have no doubt they will be of assistance to you .

Please be aware that he may rack it up if he thinks you're going to escape his clutches and you're best advised to hug your 'secret' plans to yourself and present the usual downtrodden image of yourself to him.

Also be aware that he may embark on something of a charm offensive designed to persuade you that you're better off staying with him, albeit this may be coupled with remarks on the lines of you being too feckless to cope on your own, no-one else wanting you, etc.

Jesus Christ, this man is dreadfully abusive, to the point of frank criminality. OP i'm so sorry this has happened to you. no-one could ever deserve to be treated in this way.

i mean you could literally have committed murder and still not deserve to be spoken to has your P speaks to you! i am appalled at the things he has said to you... truly truly appalled. he is a sick, vile person.

please ring WA and get away from him, i can't tell you how sorry i am you are going through this.

His degrading is more EA
There is a questionnaire on the freedom prog. Try doing it. you will see that you tick most of the boxes
re Mortgage, he is paying his mortgage, its his house, he keeps threatening to throw you out, you leave with nothing.... You owe him nothing.
You feeling like you have lost all your charisma, fun & outgoing personality is being subjected to EA
EA creeps up on you, the perfect description is " death by a thousand cuts"
It's not your fault.
When he feels he has gone too far, he will start the cycle of being gentler/apologetic (as seen today) the CYCLE is a classic in EA handbook.
GREAT, get anything has ever given you & stick it on eBay.
Do the Freedom Programme, & read Lundy book formerly posted (kindle)
change any & all your passwords, phone/computer, disactivate cloud. check computer for spyware.
& Tell us your escape plan, we will be able to advise.

I'm reluctant to do anything by phone as its a compan mobile so he can look at any calls I make. I've just been in the bath with tears rolling down my face as I've read all the posts from you kind people. It's all so fresh from last night and I'm knackered as I only had around two hours sleep. My secret plan to escape is very small at the moment. I've looked at house shares in the area I'm thinking of, to get an idea of cost I don't think they'll still be free by the time I'm ready but something should be. I need to get as much cash saved on top of my other savings and I'm hoping to do three months, more if I can manage but u doubt it. Three months plus what I have would pay for 10 months rent plus leave me a bit left over so I'd have time to find a job. I'm hoping a house share would accept money upfront in exchange for no reference and an honest approach may be best when best telling them why. He has been quite pleasant so far this evening, last night hadn't been mentioned so I hope it will a quite night.
I always thought woman's refuge was for people that were physically
abused so you live and learn. I will do the check list for EA it's so sad that I didn't bother to look properly at what was happening to my freedom, when he'd say it was b ecause he just wanted to be with me rather than me hearing he wants to control me. I've handed myself on a plate. Thanks to all for taking time to read this and help me, it means so much x

Is there a potential problem with your dad's money and your step-mum's money and who has control of which if they have a joint account? How soon can you separate their finances? Does you dad own half the house they lived in? How well do you get along with your step-brother? Things sound a little messy there.

Good luck with your escape plan! Don't forget to cancel your window cleaner. Could you fabricate a problem with your account so you cant give the £850? Maybe its been frozen while the bank investigates something and he could provide this months cash? Would that put you in danger?

Women's Aid sounds like a good idea.

since you are financially in a poor way, can you not camp out in your parents' house until you find a job and a place to live?Who wd prevent you from doing that? I hope you are going to escape soon ,op. No one shd have to live like you do. He has you paying for everything except the mortgage , as he does not want you to have any claim. Not sure if you are married or not.

That's great that you can see your dilemma already. It is sad, but your life can only move on after the initial awakening shock.
It is not fiction.
If he feels you are "withdrawing", he may become:

1. sweet as pie, (EA circle of manipulation )
2. accusing, of fictive boyfriend, ingratitude, mad, incapable, unstable, in need of mental help
3. violent, break your things, photos, anything that will hurt you, it doesn't have to be violence to you physically

So, you will have to be wily to plan to leave, & increasingly dislike him. & it's natural to rebel. Just gently remove all your important papers, passport, etc & leave them with someone trusted (may not be best at your mil due to carers etc) or somewhere where he is CERTAIN not to get at them.
Are you certain you can't go to mil ? btw, it sounds as though you were more than capable with your father's legal affairs. So it proves that P's accusations are deliberately critical !
Whatever job you get, it doesn't matter, what does matter is getting your life back.

The broken glass incident is important. I'm appalled that anyone expected a five year old to apologise for breaking the fucking glass. In any decent household the parents would take the blame for not having made sure it was safety glass - yes, even 44 years ago.

The problem isn't that you couldn't admit it was your fault, but that you were made to accept the blame for something you had no control over.

Are you sure he's not reading this ?

I've put important things, passport and documents together and hidden them. I can't start to separate dad and step mums finances until I get the full court order. I'm just waiting for the bank statements to arrive and then I can send them off, it shouldn't take long after that as the court have already gone through everything else to grant me an interim order. Yes I he house in dads name too but as my step mm still lives there it's her home. It really isn't a good place for me to go. She is a bad sleeper and is often up during the night watching TV and will nap in the daytime.
A for my step brothers we are just different people. The one who has POA for his mum has a tend abc to ride rough shod over others feelings and hasn't been the least but helpful over me sorting out dads affairs but that's another story.
Quiet night last night with oh. Yes to him being nice to me but I don't think it will last. I've developed a pretty good poker face I've time and he's tried in the past to spoil things. He once burnt a new top I'd bit because he didn't like it, this was after he emptied all my underwear and threw it down the stairs and chucked some other things in a bin liner and chucked that out if the bedroom window.

If you were to stay with your stepmum, her care package might change so that you had more responsibility for her. Out of the frying pan ...