A mess

[Cannitgetitrigt]

I've NC, sorry. I've been with oh for ten years. I have to my shame, always been bad with money and oh has bailed me out in the past. It is far easier to say here where I'm just a name. Over the last year I've been much better and have actually managed to save, I also have a stocks and shares ISA which I pay £100 a month. I've had a bad year with my dad having to go into care plus problems with my dsm being ill and various other problems. Oh is older than me and I work for him also, this is relevant. He's been sorting out some of his financial things,, pension review plus investments and this afternoon he asked how my bank account is, nothing joint but I did have a credit card on his account though I very rarely used it. Stupidly I said my account was fine, it is, nothing over drawn money there no problem. The stupid part is that I have such a ridiculous stubborn streak so I thought that was an acceptae answer, which it isn't. As the day went on he became accusing and angry as I refused to show him so he became more convicted I was lying and I dug my heels in. It's ended up with hi cutting up the credit card, my card but his account. He's changed pass words and has told me not to touch anything financial of his at all. He isn't a person to back down and I do know I've overstepped the line as far as he's concerned it means I don't trust him which I suppose is the only way he will look at it. This could cost me my relationship, his words plus my job. Sounds dramatic but it's true. I know I e got form for money issues so it's being unreasonable for me to refuse to show him it's all ok. I seem to have a self destruct button at times. He says I'm arrogant, I don't but is it possible to see it in yourself? Why I'm so stupidly stubborn is the big question. My mum was an alcoholic and has been dead many years, my oh tonight said I must be like her and that while he sat watching me he thought what it must have been like for my dad trying to sort her out. That made me remember being small, maybe five years old, running up the steps to the back door and I sme how put my arm straight through a glass panel. I only scratched myself but my dad was cross and said I had to say sorry for breaking the glass. I wouldn't because I didn't do it on purpose, I was called to go in the house so up the steps I went, pushed the door and the glass was broken. I ended up being sent to bed because I wouldn't apologise. I have a problem admiring I'm wrong. How do I sort this out? I will really try to take on board and advice given. Thank you.

(Cannot) I think the situation has gone too far for counselling or looking for a new job. I think you need to ring Women's Aid and start planning to get yourself out of there as soon as possible!
Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

My teeth were itching re your inability to budget and as ausiebean said, I think it's perfectly reasonable and normal for one partner to take control.

However, as everyone else said, you are in an abusive relationship.

He's threatening your job, belittling you, controlling your friendships and your free time and being a downright nasty bastard.

So the question is, how are you going to extricate yourself from this relationship now you clearly recognise your danger?

Can you set up a regular standing order to save for your escape or can you get to your isa? How can you job hunt without him knowing?

It's time to get practical and make full plans to escape.

[Who says the op can't budget? Is that true or something her abusive 'partner' is having her believe?]

It sounds like the last few years have ground you down so that you believe you deserve no better.

My lack of budgeting is pathetic but it's also my wage that pays the car insurance, pet insurance, two dogs, plus monthly grooming, and all cash transactions. I bet it's over four years since he last got cash out of the bank. I pay well over half my wage towards bills food etc. the cash side was another thing he had a go about yesterday, there is a coffee vending machine at work and he was ranting that I don't give him much money and why should I have all the money in my purse? If I take out £100 in cash, my account as there are no joint ones the where would you put it? I pay the window cleaner every month out of this too. Plus any other bits like if we have a bought lunch at work instead of taken from home. I withdraw cash once a month for these things. Ive got enough in my ISA to cover a deposit yes but I couldn't move until I find a job, I'm too scared. Plus if not get a place to rent without having a job and I couldn't give my oh as a reference as my current employer for my wage, I do have all my wage slips. It's not long since one of the men at work split from his wife, we had a request to confirm his wage and that his was a permanent position and that was only for renting a flat.

Mum not sure about old friends, I haven't seen my then closest friend for five years, we only text occasionally now plus Christmas and birthday cards. He has managed to convince me that everybody dislikes me. Even down to ranting about a birthday card, it was a illustrated one of a woman in the bath with a glass of wine in her hand and the floor around the bath had gifts and flowers. He picked it up and said that's how people see me, that I think I'm something special, a rich bitch, and above them. All that from a what I thought was a nice card. I tell you there are days when I don't know which way is up

I apologise for my comment about budgeting, I was reacting to your assessment that you've always been bad with money so wrongly assumed that pre-dated your current relationship

He's clearly a cunt. It's time to look forwards and plan your way out of it.

Rent wise, if there is anyway of paying 6 months upfront then that'll help on that front, or even consider a room in a shared house or with a family who rent out a room to make ends meet just as a stop gap to get you through until you're more settled and able to rent.

I think you need to talk to someone to untangle this. Don't tell him you are getting advice. Honestly I think you have lost perspective on what is a fair deal because he bullies you. Eg you should have a work pension. You shouldn't be giving him cash on demand and then being blamed for not managing money.

In the short term could you cut back on some of the spending and save instead? Does the window cleaner need to come every month? Dog grooming? You could say you were trying to budget better if he notices.

While he may(? Possibly?) have had a genuine concern about your accounts, but the rest is nasty.

Time to starting putting your things in order and leaving.

I set up a rainy day direct debit last year. It comes to an end this month, it's only a few hundred pounds but on top of my isa it's a good start. I'm going to try and squirrel as much as I can over the next couple of months if I can last that long and get job hunting as best as I can. I've had a look at home shares on the Internet and thatooms like the very cheapest option. There is what looks to be a couple of decent ones not far from where my dad is in care, about thirty miles away fromwhere I live now so I'm going to start looking in the Internet today at jobs in that area. I'm not a confident driver so I couldn't do with having to dive much distance. Thanks foristening and helping. x

It is on the surface rather puzzling that you would not show him your bank a/c; but it does, on further thought, seem that this is indicative of the absence of trust in your relationship. And the fact that he said all these hurtful and undermining things and behaved in such an overbearing way does not really tie in with the fact that you say you love him. Frankly he does not sound the least bit lovable.

Does your dad still have a house you could move into? Or any other family?

Can you clarify for me?

Did you have problems budgeting and with money before you met him or just in the last seven years ?

Work pension doesn't start until autumn. I'm really looking at ways to cut back, before we got a second dog I used to groom him myself most of the time but the second one is more difficult to do, she isn't keen. I'm going to start again though as its £50 for them both doing. I haven't had my hair cut since October but they're immaculate. I'm not sue where to go for face to face help/advice on unraveling myself from this lit.

I have never been overly good with money no but it under control now, no debt plus savings. My step mum lives in the house and she isn't well and has catered four times a day so not ideal to go there.
I know not showing him was wrong but it's hard to explain. He'd been spoiling for a fight all day. First thing in the morning he'd said something, quite obvious and I'd said yes I know. He took the hump at that then shortly afterwards he had some work related stress which I understand his frustration but he never speaks to anyone like he does to me and I think that's part of the problem. The work thing was a person had done something wrong and lied, the trouble is the person who should have sorted it doesn't like confrontation so did nothing about it. This drives my oh crazy in a regular basis as this person won't sort any problems out but is a nice person

I don't think you are wrong.

I also think most of your financial issues stem from him.

He has been supportive sometimes over my dad and at others he will rant about him. Dad has Alzheimer's, but he will say some of the most vile and vicious things about both me and my dad, a man he only met on six occasions, as I said he didn't like my dad but then he doesn't like his own dad either, come to think of it be soon has a good thing to say about any man, not on a regular basis. They might be on one day but the next he will find fault. Not as much with women but he is very much of the opinion that if a woman voices an opinion and it's not the same as his then she is gobby and that no one likes a gobby woman

He sounds controlling. If you don't share finances there is no reason you should show him your accounts. You have no reason to see his either.
Myself and dp share only for joint costs, he doesn't get to see my accounts and I don't see his.

I think you'd be better off without him.

Can you tell me what you do like about him?

Make an escape plan and stick to it. Is there someone else you could get a reference posted to in the company? Someone you trust?

Yy to renting a room somewhere

This person is not your partner, he is your owner.
He has deliberately ostracised you from all your family & friends. he belittles and threatens you daily. You are financially in difficulty because he wants you to be.
He wants to see your accounts, but would he show you his ?
You are Emotionally Abused. This is reality, you need to realise that the only solution is to leave. Your lack of self esteem & confidence is a DIRECT result of his abuse.
This is not Love it is submission, pathetic gratitude for occasional scraps of pleasantness.
Please read up on EA, start here: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php
you can do it online if you can't get to a local group.
Contact your old friends today.
Could you go & stay with step mum, that way you could do her food & caring until you find another job, save her money.
All you need is a bedroom.

Hi Can,this is a horrible situation for you to be in. Your partner is controlling and emotionally abusive. He has worn down your confidence and self worth and he will continue to do so. He has isolated you from family and friends,all of these things are the red flags of an abusive relationship.
You deserve better and need to remove yourself from this toxic relationship. Please contact Women's aid for advice and support with planning this.
Regardless of whether you are good, bad or indifferent with money you don't deserve to be bullied and verbally abused. The bigger picture is that this is not about money, it is about him using that as a stick to beat you with.
Well done to you for realising you need to get out. It may not be easy, but you can do it.
Hugs and good luck x

I really feel for you with your dads situation, I was a career for my FIL who had vascular dementia, it's a hard thing to be a bystander of.

Despite the situation there, it could well be your best way out. Does your step mum know your situation? You may think you'd be adding to her stress or want less stress yourself, but she may feel happier if she knows she's helping you and has someone to talk to day to day, plus it's just a temporary escape plan.

From what you've said on here it sounds like you're actually pretty good at budgeting.

And as everyone else said, he is abusive and you need to leave him. Calling Women's Aid is a good suggestion.

V confused here.

What has he done wrong? It was his account that he was asking to see (her card but his account). He has bailed OP out in the past 'several times' due to her irresponsible spending, so she has form.

If this thread were reversed, she would be told to leave him as he was not prepared to be 100% financially honest and accountable....

MN at its best

Are there children involved here? And, if so, how do they figure in the spending equation?

No, he was asking about her accounts.

She wouldn't disclose, and he in a temper cut up the credit card she has that is attached to his account and changed all his passwords on his banking.

This is not a good man. You seem to be doing just fine with money, no debts and you have savings, and you pull your weight financially.

You need to get away and start a new and happy life for yourself.