Insecure DP - think i've massively messed up here

[CroissantsandJam]

Sorry if this is a bit rambling. Some background, divorced with 3 DC. Met DP 3 years ago and we have a 1 year old baby. The DC adore him, he's hard working, generous, doesn't drink/fight/gamble etc etc (all the usual stuff people say before the bad stuff)!

I don't really know how to say what I mean but he has a huge problem with insecurity which I think he hid very well at the beginning of the relationship. I think its probably always been there but he just hid it well or there wasn't really any opportunity for it to come out.

In general he seems to think I don't really care if he's here or not. I am quite independent which I don't think he is use to. But being happy to spend the day alone or not being bothered if he wants to go out or go fishing for the weekend. Im a grown woman and happy for us both to have our 'own' lives because we do do things together.

All of his comments are 'jokey' but not really a joke IYKWIM. Because i've pulled him up on stuff before he now just says he is joking when its clear he isn't. I'll put some examples because I realise this is all a bit rambling.

My friend got engaged. I said oh x got engaged today! His first reaction was 'oh that will be a nice hen do for you then' I said er yeah hadn't really thought about it. He said oh well maybe you'll meet someone nice to have a dance with. I said WTF are you on about, are you implying something? He said 'no just joking, if you want to dance with people you will'. Written down this seems so weird but he said it in a jokey type way.

I mentioned that I was going to join the gym. He said oh you can come with me when I go. I said bugger off i'm going to get away from the kids lol you can have them. He said oh well you'll make some new friends lots of nice men at the gym.

Yesterday I was out for the day with the kids and was telling him about what we had done. He said I bet you don't think about me slaving away lol. I said what are you on about of course I do. He said bollocks you do. But he says it laughing and joking.

I'm not sure if I am going mad and seeing stuff that isn't there or not. Previously we had huge insecurity stuff around my ex husband which seems to have gone now. I did give him an ultimatum that I wasn't going to spend my life with his jealousy whenever I needed to text or see ex husband around kid stuff. After that it seemed to stop but this low level joking insecurity is still ongoing.

My worry is that because DD is only a year old he doesn't really have any experience of 'me' without small DC i.e. going out with friends, weekends away, having my own life and as she gets older it will just get worse as I become more independent from small DC.

Any thoughts?

Tell him he must stop or the relationship ends. Tell him his insecurities are driving you apart and you can't put up with it anymore

Trouble with ultimatums is that feelings are feelings and an ultimatum promotes hiding/denying them, rather than working through and changing them.

That's why I believe an ultimatum is in itself destructive.

I've been through this and come out the other side because I've felt listened to and important enough and loved enough to be able to open up about my worst fears. Suppressing my anxiety would have just meant it would have bubbled and multiplied. I'm so lucky my DH thought enough of me not to give up or get angry.

Possibly you could say 'I can see by your comment that you're feeling insecure in our relationship. Do you really believe I'll be xxxx and xx (dancing with other men or what ever else he has suggested).

Turn it back on him. It may pass or it maybe that he's a control freak and you need to get out.

Or just jokingly say 'are you feeling insecure DH?'

Repeat every time he makes a comment so that it's clear it's his problem

Wow. And he's got you blaming yourself.
He's good. I'll give him that!

He is showing classic passive aggressive behaviour. Most easily identifiable by the piss taking and then 'I'm only joking' response.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201011/10-things-passive-aggressive-people-say

Some ideas on ways to handle.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201501/6-tips-dealing-passive-aggressive-people

What I've learnt the hard way is that there are always two sides. You say the DC love him, that he's hard working, etc. Do you ever acknowledge he works hard for you all? I can say this as I took my DH for granted and it's only when he had a heart attack I understood. We used to row all the time that I was stuck at home while he was enjoying the freedom that work gave him. I was too angry seeing I was stuck at home attending to kids to see how hard he worked to keep all of us in food, clothes, toys, house and holidays. I accused him of not understanding my position and he accused me of not caring to think about how hard his day was. I stopped asking as felt like he got his way if I asked him so the distrust and resentment built over a two year period so bad where he started to stay away from home on work more and more. I started going out with friends on a Friday night and then he would complain we never did anything together. So he started going out Saturday with his friends and coming home later she later. 40 yr olds in a club is just sad and I told him so. And he would reply I was only going to bars to pick up men. Got nasty fast.
I was suspicious he was having an affair. He thought I didn't love him. I was angry with him but still loved him but staying out made me more angry. He was insecure I didn't love him yet he was commited to the family and I was insecure he was now 'working late' as he was looking elsewhere. We stopped having sex, avoided each other and I snapped at him we should split over one small argument when he came home late. We didn't talk for two weeks and then I got the call that he had a heart attack during a meeting at work. At 42 it was something that shock the DC badly. It took 6 weeks of hospital, stents and therapy to get him back fit enough to come home then another 12 weeks before he returned to work. During his hospital time we both spoke more candidly than I ever thought I could. He told me he loved me something I realized I had not heard for probably 3 years. Both our trust had been destroyed that we loved and cared about each other. We both admitted we were insecure and was the first time we spoke about it. Those small issues become big ones fast. We are all on here due to relationship issues but I learned there is no standard answer apart from first talking to your partner candidly first before taking advice here. Sorry girls but none of us are baggage free.
All of us on here have experienced insecurity stemming from parents, school, partners, friends, work but it's a relationship killer if you don't understand each other's insecurities before going on the offensive.
I love my DH more than ever now. I'm glad we worked it out. I really am and the children are closer with us too now. We work hard at understanding each other and now tell and hold each other every day to say I love you. I know he appreciates me more and me him but the hardest thing is making the first move and it took a scary heart attack to finally get us to communicate so please communicate your concerns directly. Understanding both stances on insecurity is so important. I wish I had the courage to have done it sooner and not wasted nearly three years.

His insecurity is his issue.

You did not cause it, and you cannot cure it by remaining glued to his side.

It also sounds intolerable to live with. He needs to acknowledge that the problem is his, and work on it. Because if you stay with him like this, you will be ground down and on the brink of insanity, trying to constantly placate and reassure him while also attempting to hold on to shreds of your independence. That is not a nice life, so don't let it happen to you.

His insecurity is HIS issue to resolve. Not yours.

Have not read any of the other posts but his comments sound exactly like an ex of mine. He turned out to be a nasty, violent, malipliative arse hole.

Have you had a serious chat with him? I think we 'accept' that women are insecure (we have babies, get stretch marks, weight yoyo's, ect).I think men can be insecure too.

I don't think you can actually hide insecurity well for a couple of years, only to have it come out full force at some point...there would have been a time that it would have reared it's head, really think about it op.

When did it start? When you were pregnant, shortly after the babies birth? When he knew that it was harder for you to leave?

You are already finding it hard to justify leaving him [should you have to]. You have a child together, your children adore him, so you don't want to put them through a break up. YOU are already blaming yourself, thinking of changing yourself.

Is it insecurity, or is he trying to isolate you? DV starts when the woman is vulnerable (pregnant/new baby). If he tells you how insecure he is enough, you will change. You will stop socialising & taking the kids out by yourself, even if it is because his "insecurity" is too hard to deal with. You will stop being asked out by friends, your life will be at home, with the kids & him.

Once you are isolated, his insecurity will disappear & something else will start bothering him, the way you cook, look after the kids, the house etc ... the abuse will escalate.

Low level comments is often how it starts. The "just kidding" is a very good way of making YOU doubt how you react to his "unreasonableness"

I've been reading threads on here long enough to know that when they start questioning you regarding cheating-type behaviours, THEY are the ones who are cheating.
Be careful, OP.

Another perspective.....
I had a very real physical illness, resulting in surgery and lots of recovery. Psychologically it messed my head up, a lot.
DH was great during the physical illness aspect, but he couldn't deal with the emotional impact. I became very insecure, and was quite angry at what it was doing to our family. I know he worked really hard to do everything, and to try and make me happy.
The problem was, until my psychological symptoms were under control, I acted like a different person. I was prescribed antidepressants and all know kinds of things for anxiety. They didn't work, because my illness was not under control.
It is now, and I'm feeling much better. Unfortunately DH left because he took personally every thing I said (even during psychotic episodes that I don't remember). He knows that person wasn't me, and that things have changed substantially, but he's walked away from a fantastic family because he took it all personally.
He knows that it was symptomatic of the illness. He knows it won't recur, but he won't consider even trying again. He just closed off.
I've proven beyond doubt that I'm well, I'm coping, I'm not abusive, and I'm back to 'me ' again. It's too late for him.
Absolutely disastrous for the children who adore him, and for myself.
We were the happiest couple I have ever know, for a very long time, and through trying times.
I love him so much, but he's gone.

Please try to talk to him, if you have an otherwise good relationship. I was never given that option - he just left.
We will both regret having never tried. Such a shame.