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Original poster

Insecure DP - think i've massively messed up here

62 replies

CroissantsandJam · 06/04/2016 11:34

Sorry if this is a bit rambling. Some background, divorced with 3 DC. Met DP 3 years ago and we have a 1 year old baby. The DC adore him, he's hard working, generous, doesn't drink/fight/gamble etc etc (all the usual stuff people say before the bad stuff)!

I don't really know how to say what I mean but he has a huge problem with insecurity which I think he hid very well at the beginning of the relationship. I think its probably always been there but he just hid it well or there wasn't really any opportunity for it to come out.

In general he seems to think I don't really care if he's here or not. I am quite independent which I don't think he is use to. But being happy to spend the day alone or not being bothered if he wants to go out or go fishing for the weekend. Im a grown woman and happy for us both to have our 'own' lives because we do do things together.

All of his comments are 'jokey' but not really a joke IYKWIM. Because i've pulled him up on stuff before he now just says he is joking when its clear he isn't. I'll put some examples because I realise this is all a bit rambling.

My friend got engaged. I said oh x got engaged today! His first reaction was 'oh that will be a nice hen do for you then' I said er yeah hadn't really thought about it. He said oh well maybe you'll meet someone nice to have a dance with. I said WTF are you on about, are you implying something? He said 'no just joking, if you want to dance with people you will'. Written down this seems so weird but he said it in a jokey type way.

I mentioned that I was going to join the gym. He said oh you can come with me when I go. I said bugger off i'm going to get away from the kids lol you can have them. He said oh well you'll make some new friends lots of nice men at the gym.

Yesterday I was out for the day with the kids and was telling him about what we had done. He said I bet you don't think about me slaving away lol. I said what are you on about of course I do. He said bollocks you do. But he says it laughing and joking.

I'm not sure if I am going mad and seeing stuff that isn't there or not. Previously we had huge insecurity stuff around my ex husband which seems to have gone now. I did give him an ultimatum that I wasn't going to spend my life with his jealousy whenever I needed to text or see ex husband around kid stuff. After that it seemed to stop but this low level joking insecurity is still ongoing.

My worry is that because DD is only a year old he doesn't really have any experience of 'me' without small DC i.e. going out with friends, weekends away, having my own life and as she gets older it will just get worse as I become more independent from small DC.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
genuineguy79 · 06/04/2016 14:21

If there is no past history of cheating then the problem clearly lies with him. I think joysmum post offers good advice...If your relationship is worth saving then you should do everything to make that happens.

Original poster
CroissantsandJam · 06/04/2016 14:38

Yes the messed up bit refers to the whole relationship. I feel like I don't really know him as he wasn't like this at all in the beginning. But to be honest there wasn't really an opportunity for it to come up. Typical heady relationship where we did most things together and he reigned it in, or I didn't mention if I was going places just 'out'.

It leaks in to every part of the relationship. For example we share weekend lie ins. Sunday is his. Last week I took DC out for the morning, giving him a longer lie in.

When we got in he asked why I hadn't woken him to come, I said I didn't think about it and thought he would like a lie in, he said well yeah your not bothered if I'm there or not are you. Then he'll carry that on, so that afternoon we were going out for Sunday dinner and he's joking around saying well I wasn't going to come, you'd rather go on your own wouldn't you? It's exhausting having to constantly reassure him.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/04/2016 14:40

Oh good grief, and he uses your past, that he had nothing to do with, as a stick to beat you with as well??? And another red flag.

You need a seriously frank discussion with him.
Tell him a joke is 'funny' and he is most certainly NOT funny when he says these things.
So he either stops or you separate as you are not going to put up with his crap for a moment longer.

And you need to mean it!

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 06/04/2016 14:40

Well stop. Stop reassuring him and stop engaging in these conversations. Just stone wall it. If he asks what is up then repeat that you won't engage in this type of talk.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/04/2016 14:43

Tackle this head on. Tell him point blank that it has to stop because it's insulting, and controlling, and makes him look unattractively weird and paranoid. And if it doesn't stop, stop the relationship.

If you pander to this nonsense you'll end up with no life, a shadow of your former self. Nip it in the bud, hard, as a matter of urgency, and be prepared to walk away if he won't address it.

TheNaze73 · 06/04/2016 14:45

He's playing a snide game there. He's not insecure, he totally knows what he's doing

Joysmum · 06/04/2016 14:46

Your DP will never change

How do you know? Hmm

OP, you have some searching questions to be asking yourself here.

Obviously there are a lot of people on the relationship board that are here because they've been in abusive relationships in the past (I'm one of them) and this can make people fully expect anyone with any issues to be at the start of an abussive cycle.

As I've said upthread, it is possible to be insecure due to your own past and need to work through to be able to make yourself feel secure again. It doesn't make you an abuser just because you have issues.

So use the posts about abuse to see if your partner is trying to manipulate or modify you, or just simply insecure. If it's abuse, RUN!

If he is simply insecure then it's tiring and not a nice place to be (any more than it is to be on the receiving end) but it certainly could be fixable. Question then is, do you want to fix things and are you both prepared to talk openly with subtext or second guessing each other because that's the only way to do it?

Marchate · 06/04/2016 14:49

You need this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

OTheHugeManatee · 06/04/2016 15:00

Taking a middle ground here contradicting my previous post can you get him to open up about his fears a bit? Not by trying to reassure him - that just encourages him to feel like his fears are valid and based in fact - but by pointing out how often he makes those comments and telling him how it comes across. You can do this with plenty of empathy without taking his fears in and validating them. 'DP, I know you say you're joking but you make jokes quite often about me meeting other people or not caring about you. It sounds like there's perhaps a real fear in there. Can we talk about this?' And see what he says. Do it gently, but don't let him fob you off saying it's all jokes, because you and he both know it isn't all jokes.

The best case scenario is that he just has some unfounded fears and will feel better for feeling like you have heard them. Perversely sometimes letting someone express their worries without trying to reassure them away can do more to dispel them than any number of promises of eternal love. In this case you don't have to change your behaviour, just make him feel like you've heard him.

Of course, he might just be a controlling twat who wants to reduce you to an apologetic ghost but I recommend trying this route first.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/04/2016 15:11

you'd rather go on your own wouldn't you?
Well yes I would actually. The way you are behaving means that I really don't want you around me right now so I'll take you up on that and we will go without you... Bye!

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone · 06/04/2016 15:41

I could have posted this about my ex.

This is how she started, then she made me feel like I was going mad. I would say I felt like she was accusing me of things and she would act all aghast. Was and awful, AWFUL relationship

Get out of it

Original poster
CroissantsandJam · 06/04/2016 17:52

I can't just get out of it bust understand why you are saying that.

My DC love him, I don't want to put them through another separation. We have a DD together too.

I half think maybe I haven't made him feel secure enough, I can be quite independent to the point of maybe it seeming like I don't care if he's there or not. And within reason I'm not bothered about fishing trips or sports stuff at the weekend. His previous girlfriend wasn't like that at all and it seems the stark contrast has made him feel insecure.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 06/04/2016 17:55

Have you ever both discussed it?

Has he told you he's insecure and have you asked him why?

LemonBreeland · 06/04/2016 18:02

I'm quite concerned by your last post where you are already blaming yourself for him being like that. If he is really insecure and not a controlling twunt, which I still think he is, it is still his problem not yours. You have not created his insecurity by being independent.

Joysmum · 06/04/2016 18:11

Well said LemonBreeland Star

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 06/04/2016 18:31

Don't you dare take responsibility for this. It's all on him.

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/04/2016 18:40

So your immediate thought is how you can change to make him happier and more secure?

Be very careful op....

Marchate · 06/04/2016 18:44

Be very careful indeed. You are handing him total control of your life

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 06/04/2016 19:05

Shit, Croissants, I can identify with what you're going through way too much. DP says that he feels like he's not needed and makes references to me possibly being chatted up both when I go out (rare) and online. I have been a single parent for 3 and a half years and am very independent (we don't live together). It feels like I'm being punished for it.

Sorry, I don't know what the answer is, DP is great in every other way.

Isetan · 06/04/2016 19:19

Careful OP, you're already trying to rationalise his behaviour.

He knows what he's doing and waited until he felt it was harder for you to leave before he revealed his true colours. Your only leverage here is for him to believe that his behaviour is a relationship deal breaker, if he doesn't then be prepared for at best, more of the same and at worst, an escalation.

Atenco · 06/04/2016 20:10

I half think maybe I haven't made him feel secure enough

Even if you stayed glued to his side, the problem would not go away, though you would have a much bigger problem.

I had a jealous partner one time, but mine upped the ante quite early on and I left.

Have you told him that his jokes are not funny and very repetitive?

LuluJakey1 · 06/04/2016 20:47

No one makes another person feel or react in a particular way- they choose to, for whatever reason. Please don't change your behaviour. This is his default position and whatever you do you will have to either learn to live with him being so pathetic or get rid of him.

Babycham1979 · 07/04/2016 00:10

He sounds very insecure, but also like every other poster on MN. It's his problem, he needs to deal with it. It's not quite LTB yet, though

MakeItRain · 07/04/2016 01:19

Please don't go down the route of pandering to his "insecurities". You are an independent, self confident woman which to most people are really attractive qualities. Lots of people would love a lie in - that was really thoughtful of you. Don't let him twist something like that into you "not caring".

I agree you should nip it in the bud. Assert yourself. Tell him you're NOT looking to meet other men and you find it insulting that he thinks that. Tell him you're not finding these "jokes" funny and that he needs to stop. Tell him that if he seriously believes that you let him lie in because you "don't care if he's with you or not", rather than because you were being thoughtful, then there is a very big problem with your relationship. It needs to stop, he needs counselling, or he needs to move out for a bit and think about whether he really wants to be with you/ trusts you/ sees your thoughtfulness for what it is.

If he starts to twist that idea into "well you obviously don't care", go on a calm repeat. "I DO care, but YOU don't seem to believe it and that's the problem here."

Whatever you do, DONT start blaming yourself for this. Doubting yourself and changing your behaviour will be a slippery slope. Be confident about who you are.

greentableux · 07/04/2016 21:21

My opinion of men like this is once their partners start being more dependent/giving up her interests/constantly reassuring him, then HE will start being the one to stray (if he hasn't done so already).

He seems unable to fathom that men and women can be in a social situation together without finding some sort of sexual connection - whose projection is that? Hmm

I remember first dating (note - not even in a relationship with) someone who was very much "oh everyone is paying you attention" "oh you're at s sports thng with X guy, he's after a date isn't he?".

I was a bit of a stunner (smugface) but as I don't want six boyfriends at a time and I'm not desperate and he had some attratctive qualities was dating this guy exclusively to see what happened.

What was clear by the I got rid of him after a month or so (just for being a bit of an angry whiner, not for infidelity) was that he himself had been setting up dates with other women, meeting them (to the extent of travelling to their city and booking a hotel), booking solo holidays for himself in SE Asia. I hid my online profile after we met, his was logging on every day.

But he was the one who was constantly going on about me flirting wth other men.