Feeling insecure - would this bother you or is it just me? (ExW related)

[FaithLoveandHope]

Hi All,

DP and I are having a few rows as of late. I think a lot of it is about my own insecurities rather than what he's doing. He has an ex wife, separated 3 years and official divorce came through 2 and a half years ago. I'm not the OW, we met shortly after they separated but didn't get together until a while after the divorce came through. They have a DD together who he sees often and I've always liked the fact that for the most part they have a very amicable relationship. However lately she will text him asking him to do something for her and if he doesn't reply immediately she will bombard him with texts and then say their DD needs to talk to him until he phones her and then of course DD doesn't want to talk anymore and has just run off. Last week she asked him to help move something for her twice. The first time I was okay with, he did it on a time he was picking up / dropping off his DD and didn't need to go out of his way. The second time though she insisted it had to be done that day. I'd actually wanted to spend time together as it'd been a stressful week and I thought it'd be nice for us to do something together. He didn't ask me if I'd had plans just assumed it would be fine and off he went on a one hour return trip plus about one hour moving this thing. He injured himself in the process which then meant our plans for the next day got scrapped.

On an unrelated (but in my mind interlinked) issue, whenever we try and discuss the future of our relationship it feels like it falls on deaf ears. It feels like I can't even talk about the future yet here is somebody who he married, had a child with and is still running around after. I don't know if it's just my own insecurities. Re the ex wife he says he wants to have a good relationship with her for the sake of their daughter but also that he really struggles saying no especially when in his mind there's no real reason to say no. Would this bother you or is it just my insecurities?

Thank you Dad your post made a lot of sense and it's really interesting to hear from the other side.

I don't know Lightening that to me seems a bit manipulative especially as I literally can't do anything to help. Hopefully now we've had a proper discussion about it things can start to move forward more positively and it'll be less of an issue.

If you've had to have the discussion I guarantee you ...you will repeat this discussion over and over and over again. He's not ready. Trust me.

Your bf's commitment to change would be more convincing if he addressed his behaviour rather than his 'being' (a doormat). If he took steps say, to only see his ex once per week or to only respond to urgent texts that might be a start. He's not made any commitment or plans to change anything and he's also convinced you that the lack of future planning in your relationship is your fault.

If you've had to have the discussion I guarantee you ...you will repeat this discussion over and over and over again

Of course, people don't just shake off being in a controlling relationship and realise what is 'normal' or how to behave normally. That's why it's great to have an understanding person in your life who can gently point out what's normal for you. That doesn't mean it's not the responsibility of the victim, just an acknowledgement that abuse is their 'normal' and this takes a lot of time to overcome and rewrite.

Tbf to him I've made it sound worse than it is. Normally she asks him maybe once a month to help her. It's just the last two weeks she asked him twice in a matter of days and it's the way she (and he) went about it that bothered me. He sees her two days a week because of their DD and actually last night I was surprised, she dropped her off and left immediately. She told him last night she would drop their DD off at 8 am on Saturday and he told her no way - normally pick up at 9 and take her straight to her class which is 5 mins from her mum's. She kicked off and said fine you'll have to pick her up from her nans then which he was absolutely fine with so he is actually putting things into place.

You're absolutely right Joysmum and I think I do understand a lot because I know that I still have issues from my previous relationship.

Me too and I'm 22 years into this one but things still pop up

It's horrible isn't it :(

I think it's your insecurity. There are too many crap dads in the world, let him be a good one but also ask him to draw the line at outing your time together second. Say you don't mind him doing anything for her but when it suits him and you not her, that way he's not at her beck and call but still willing to help out.

This is exactly right: you don't mind him doing anything for her but when it suits him and you not her, that way he's not at her beck and call but still willing to help out.

Last night we weren't specifically chatting about marriage and he brought it up and asked how I would feel about getting married next year! This year would be a no go for both of us due to various reasons but it sounds promising that he mentioned next year.