I met a great guy but I think he still loves someone else?

[natasha72]

Last year I started dating a man who is great in so many ways. He is 48 and divorced and I am also single after a long relationship. He split from his wife about 5 years before we met. We both agreed not to rake over past relationships but to focus on the present instead and things were really good between us.

He is very involved with a left wing political group here in the UK and over the time we have been dating I have met many of his friends from this group at meeting and socials. A few months ago an old member showed up again a 32 year old woman who is very, very beautiful. They obviously knew each other well and he got quite emotional as he greeted her. I caught a vibe between them right away but dismissed it me being paranoid and feeling a bit old next to her.

However the feeling didn't go away and noticed it several times him looking at her or them sharing an obviously private joke and again on subsequent meetings. I tried to keep ignoring it but eventually I asked him what the hell was going on between them. To be fair did tell me everything right away that before meeting me they had been together on and off for nearly 4 years. That he had loved her very much but that the age gap had been problematic for them, she was and is still young from a different generation and he wanted stability, someone to come home to while she thought nothing of taking off to travel or do a post grad abroad which is how they left things just before he met me. They never properly split up as far as I can tell.

He promises me that it is over between them and that they are just friends now but it is painfully obvious to me that he still has very deep feelings for her. Perhaps he really means that it is over or at least wants to mean it but I can’t help but feeling that he’d go back to her in a heartbeat if she gave him the wave. Since she has been on the scene I feel insecure and second best. I really, really like him a lot, thought he was a man I could have a future with but I’m scared to put my trust in him. Sometimes I just wish she would fall off the face of the planet.
Should I just ignore these feelings; can I ask him to sever all contact with her, perhaps if she wasn’t so much younger and so beautiful I wouldn’t feel this so much but I do.

what I mean is, if she is fickle and on a power trip as I suspect, then they have no real future, and from that point of view I can see why you wouldn't want to give up yet - he may realise soon that she doesn't really want him and then he will 'wake up'!

She is keeping him hooked by what you describe as vibes/chemistry but for her it may be completely not serious. I think he needs to ask her to be absolutely honest with him- she may not do that but worth a try for everyone concerned. NOt because he'll then 'settle' but it will stop his delusions, and he may genuinely appreciate you as first choice once he sees the true picture. So many people get tangled in deluded thinking and hopes - then they kick themselves that they have passed up the REAL opportunities for happiness.

He introduced me to her has his girlfriend so she knows that we are or where together. I think he was trying to see if he could put her behind him and be with someone else and he could full himself and me while she was hundreds of miles away but once she came back the lie he was telling himself just collapsed.

I don't really know her as a person, as I said before she is always nice and although I hate to admit it I can see why he likes her so much. She might be a bit flightly (she is an artist) but she isn't ambitious politically as far as I can tell so I don't think she is using him for that but she does clearly need him for emotional support she needs him and he needs to be needed by her.

Everytime I type something its another massive warning sign that I don't have a hope in hell of keeping hold of him. It is just going to take a lot of time before I am ok with that.

He told me it was complicated and that he would always love her but that he had still hoped we could make a go of it

Did he tell you what the complications were?
Are they still relevant?

I don't know all the details I think that she isn't a very conventional person as I said before she's an artist and I think he wanted them to get married but she wasn't ready, that made him panicked and insecure and he would get a bit jealous and possesive which isn't really like him but that pushed her away from him.

I don't know if they are still relevent perhaps not if it turned out she was ready to commit to him but then perhaps he will always feel possessive of her?

Walk away and let him get on with it. Don't look back.
You will end up analysing every minute and possible detail and scenario and whatever is between them will become the substance of your life.
You are worth someone's best efforts, not his 'trying to see if he could put her behind him' effort. Don't accept it. It isn't good enough.
If he was serious he would avoid her, not speak to her, avoid places they might meet, not get into conversation and avoid eye contact. The reason he doesn't is he doesn't want to. He enjoys it.

He described you as his girlfriend and then proceeded with all the rest of this, essentially not thinking or treating you as anything like a girlfriend? I wonder if introducing you as his girlfriend was just his 'opening gambit', telling her in a way - "Your move...".

How can you event think of being with somebody who tells you that they love(d) somebody else and don't think they'll ever not love that person? You're worth an awful lot more but, if you don't raise your own value to where it should be, other people won't either.

You say that you're not quite ready to let him go... you don't 'have him', Natasha, he has already gone.

... and I don't think you're being told anything that you don't already know either. Sadly, all of the posts replying to you are in response to what you're telling us. I can quite see that it's hard and awful to read your worst fears 'come to life'... but you already know that this relationship is over and that you cannot hold it together on your own.

I wish I could convince you to make a pre-emptive strike by ending things with him before he can do it to you, it would make the recovery easier for you. I completely understand though that you're desperate to hang on to the last vestiges of hope and I know how difficult all this must be for you; it's a horrible situation.

He told me it was complicated and that he would always love her

Any partner who says that to you needs to be dumped immediately, I'm afraid. He has just told you that you are second fiddle to a fantasy of his. He is not committed to you if he can think and say such things.

If he were committed to you and to your relationship, it would be a case of: "We dated and it was intense but didn't work out; it's over now and that's for the best." But instead, he is hanging on to ideas of star-crossed romance. Anyone hanging on to a romance with someone other than you is not being a true partner to you.

And you deserve better than that.

I second everything rice crispie has said. If you came first, he would have gone out of his way to reassure you. Instead, he's behaved inappropriately with her (right in front of you) and is now adding insult to injury by telling you he still loves her.

Honestly, you deserve more than what he has to offer.

Perhaps he is an amazing guy, a soul mate and a life partner with everything to offer but for her but not you sadly. Cut ties and move on as soon as you can sweetie.

I'd cut ties. This will play and re-play on your mind. You've said a couple of times that it didn't work out with them and he's hoping that you might be his salvation. Don't be. There is someone out there who will want you for the pure and basic reason that you are you. Going from what you've said it seems as though he wants to settle and thinks you're the best bet in terms of a long-term relationship. Doesn't matter if you're 44 or 74 - don't be his second choice.

I feel sick right now and know you are all right. I called him when I got home from work because I felt that I had made a terrible mistake and had pushed him away. He told me he went straight to her flat from mine last night because he needed to see her and talk to her. What he wanted and what he has probabaly wanted for weeks now is for me to end it so he can go to her so he gets to stay the good guy everyone thinks he is so I've done it and told him not to contact me again, he didn't sound upset, only relieved. I've been such an idiot.
Thank you for all your advice, you've all really helped.

Well done, Natasha, better 'an end with horror', ie. you were dreading it - than a 'horror without end', ie. sustained doubting of yourself and your worth.

Now begins your recovery.

Oh no, I'm so sorry. You're absolutely not an idiot though. He told you it was over between the two of them and when it became clear it wasn't (in his mind, anyway) you faced facts.

Sending you an unMumsnetty hug. Go easy on yourself.

I second what Rupert has said. You are the very opposite of an idiot. In fact well done to you for looking at the situation, realising and accepting it and acting accordingly.

You sound erudite, self-aware and not willing to put up with any shit.

So sorry to hear, my stomach flopped for you when I read it, I think we all know the feeling.

This will be a horrible bit of time now while you pick yourself up but it's absolutely the right thing for your self esteem, your wellbeing. You will get through it and you will be happy again.

Part of me feels like this absolutely won't work out between them and he'll be back. Of course by then you'll have recognised him for the weak character he is and won't want him.

You're not an idiot in any way. It's sad. It's not something he engineered or her, it might not even work out with her still, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters apart from the fact that he didn't put you first. It wouldn't matter if she left again, all she did was hi light the fact that he wasn't going to put enough into you and him. You (and all of us) deserve better. Personally I think he's a fool running after a relationship that doesn't work. It will probably fail again, but that's not your problem. I hope you have a good cry, give yourself time, and that you meet someone that would walk over hot coals for you, even if his ex was Cindy Crawford.

He isn't that nice a man, Natasha, I'm a bit shocked that he went to your flat first and then to hers. If he was going to do that - and I have no doubt that he meant to do that - why not tell you when he was at your flat?

He may not feel shocked/sad about your bombshell in dumping him today - but you will have properly spiked his guns and I'm sure that his ego has had a well-deserved bash.

I don't know you, Natasha, but I'm proud of you, it was not an easy thing that you did today. Be proud of yourself. I promise you that it will get easier and, having bitten the bullet yourself, that will come much sooner now.

for you

I read your last post and my heart just sank for you, but really you will look back and think this is a good thing.

Nobody deserves to be second best, and just think somebody could just be around the corner who is your "first" and for them you are their "first" you don't want to be wasting your time here on this man who is pinning after Miss 32 and missing out on your chance! I know this is much easier typed/said than actually done

I've been in your shoes wasted years, then more years getting my confidence back - now at 38 I very much have the love of my life in my life :) and look back with "wish I had done that sooner"

Have a good cry, eat chocolate drink wine (don't drunk dial) get yourself a haircut, new outfit or whatever you want to make yourself feel fabulous :) because you are fabulous :)

Chin up :) and listen to the ladies above they talk a lot of sense :)

So sorry to hear it's ended up like this

It is definitely for the best - though it certainly doesn't feel like it.

Personally, I think he's a shit and not such a great guy at all. In time you'll see that. He messed you around. Not a nice guy at all, sorry.

And btw, 44 isn't that old. yy it feels like it when you're there but it really isn't.

didn't expect for it to happen so rapidly, but it's for the best. Better a short sharp pain than months or more of the relationship slowly dying. He is obviously someone elses's in his heart so at least you know that you being a newbie had no chance (no one else would have!) and that you've done wrong at all.
Wallow a bit and then onwards and upwards! and good luck for the next relationship!

done nothing wrong, obviously!

Let him get on with it. Just think It is none of your business. Stop yourself thinking about it- make yourself think about other things when it comes into your head. You have no control at all of him. He is not worth your time and energy any more.
Focus on you and looking after yourself. It will be tough but you have done the right thing - you took control, you made the decision. He was weak and dishonourable and you have been strong and done what you know is right. You will get through the next few difficult weeks/months and meet someone you deserve who will put you before anyone else.

I imagine it will end in tears for him but don't look back at him, not once.

And don't listen to him when he rings for a chat, to see how you are, wondering if you fancy a coffee, keen to tell you his traumas. Tell him you don't want to hear it, you really have no interest at all.