I met a great guy but I think he still loves someone else?

[natasha72]

Last year I started dating a man who is great in so many ways. He is 48 and divorced and I am also single after a long relationship. He split from his wife about 5 years before we met. We both agreed not to rake over past relationships but to focus on the present instead and things were really good between us.

He is very involved with a left wing political group here in the UK and over the time we have been dating I have met many of his friends from this group at meeting and socials. A few months ago an old member showed up again a 32 year old woman who is very, very beautiful. They obviously knew each other well and he got quite emotional as he greeted her. I caught a vibe between them right away but dismissed it me being paranoid and feeling a bit old next to her.

However the feeling didn't go away and noticed it several times him looking at her or them sharing an obviously private joke and again on subsequent meetings. I tried to keep ignoring it but eventually I asked him what the hell was going on between them. To be fair did tell me everything right away that before meeting me they had been together on and off for nearly 4 years. That he had loved her very much but that the age gap had been problematic for them, she was and is still young from a different generation and he wanted stability, someone to come home to while she thought nothing of taking off to travel or do a post grad abroad which is how they left things just before he met me. They never properly split up as far as I can tell.

He promises me that it is over between them and that they are just friends now but it is painfully obvious to me that he still has very deep feelings for her. Perhaps he really means that it is over or at least wants to mean it but I can’t help but feeling that he’d go back to her in a heartbeat if she gave him the wave. Since she has been on the scene I feel insecure and second best. I really, really like him a lot, thought he was a man I could have a future with but I’m scared to put my trust in him. Sometimes I just wish she would fall off the face of the planet.
Should I just ignore these feelings; can I ask him to sever all contact with her, perhaps if she wasn’t so much younger and so beautiful I wouldn’t feel this so much but I do.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wanted to post because I know from experience what this feels like and it is awful. I started seeing someone in August last year, who admitted to me in Feb that he was still in love with his ex who he split with over 10 years ago and that if she were to come running, he would drop me in a heartbeat. It's devastating. My advice would be to walk away but I know that isn't easy and I am still struggling with cutting him off completely. I don't have any other advice. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

OP you cannot win here, all you are doing is prolonging the agony for everyone involved them and yourself. These two are are just one too many glasses of wine, one gaze, one I'll just make sure you get home ok from falling into bed together and once that happens you will be history. The only differential here is when that will happen this weekend, next month?

Look at it clearly she is a young beautiful woman, he is already in love with, who he has chemistry and a history with. The age gap is 16 -17 years which is quite a bit really in my view so they most likely had a meeting of minds especially in regards to politics. I don't know if these two can make it work but I think he'll give her all the chances in the world the minute he is free to do so.

All you can hope is that he was at least sincere about you when you first go together with him. The only problem is that you got involved with a man who loves someone else, that is kind of his fault no matter how well intentioned he was.

Time to let go and find a man who only wants you.

Ouch! annonobody... and I think you're right on the money.

So he was here tonight and I managed to speak to him about all the things that were concerning me and it didn't go the way I had hoped it would. At first when I brought my worries about his feelings for this other women he tried to reassure me again that there was nothing going on between them. But when I pressed him to tell me that he no longer loved her or had any hope or desire to get back together with her he couldn't even look at me let alone give me the answer I wanted. He told me it was complicated and that he would always love her but that he had still hoped we could make a go of it but it seems very clear that isn't going to happen now.

We haven't split up yet but he left just a while ago to go home to his own place rather than stay the night like he usually does. I'm so hurt and angry but I can see that he is also suffering. She seems to get off scot free but then why should I be angry at her she hasn't done anything except be the women my boyfriend has been in love with since long before he met me.

I am sorry! The thing which irritated me the most is rhat he wasn't upfront about it to me and didn't give me the choice of getting involved with him or not. Of course I wouldn't have if I knew then what I know now. Sorry I haven't got anything better to say to you. I know it's a very hard situation. I suppose you, like me, have/had two choices, stay and accept that you will be second best, which I think you'll slowly kill you inside, and also run the risk of being left high and dry if she gives him the nod, or leave and meet someone who will only love you!

Its my fault really that he never told me about her, its caused problems in the past for me going over old relationships so I insisted that we let sleeping dogs lie and just focus on our future.

Perhaps if he just talks to her, asks her if he has a chance with her again then at least I would know one way or another. But would it really solve anything after all even if she said no she could always change her mind in the future and if she said no I would always know he would have chosen her over me. I feel like I have only one choice left unless I am able to completely swallow what little pride I have left to stay with a man who is more in love with someone else. I can't do that but then perhaps its better than being alone, and we do get on and care for each other.

Did he leave his wife and children for her?

I have been where you are and it hurts really badly. Except my boyfriend's ex was 12 years older than him and 16 years older than me. She had grown up children and didn't want any more. They had split up after 8 years together. She just did not want to be with him.

I didn't know that when we got together because we did what you did and agreed to focus on now rather than the past.

It became clear after about a 6 months that he could not let go of her in his mind.

When we were together we had wonderful times but every so often something would happen- her birthday, her daughters' birthdays, her daughter had a baby and he would just want to be part of it. It felt like at any point if she had said she had changed her mind he would just have gone.

I finished it and then had to put up with months of him ringing me, askng me out, me going, us fallng back into it until I realised he just was not going to change, not with me. I finished it and cut off all contact. He tried again a year later and when I asked him not to call, sent me a long letter about his regret and a beautiful antique silver locket- which I gave to a charity. I just as not prepared to be the person he settled for.

Since then I met DH who is so right for me and we have been married almost 7 years and have a 15 month old DS. Ex has never had another long-term relationship. Perhaps he has just never got over her. She lives about 20 miles away now, by herself.

It might be that your boyfriend does come to terms with it and can put her behind him but he hasn't yet and you should not feel second choice while he does that. You are better off without him if that is where he is. You want to be someone's first choice.

Cruusshed, I am not sure exactly of how his relationship with her and his marriage overlap if at all. I don't believe that he left his wife for her. From the little I know his wife was fed up with his obsession with politics and the limits his "principles" put on what they could do i.e. sending their kids to private school was a biggie. He must have met her before or soon after his divorce given the time he said he was with her.

LuluJakey1 thank you for sharing your story it seems like this sort if thing effects more people than I realised. I suppose that is baggage and I have enough of my own. I wish I could be brave like you and just walk away but I just don't feel that confident I will meet someone else, and certainly not anyone I liked, loved as much as him. I'm glad you found your DH but I suspect you were a lot younger than me, perhaps that makes it easier, not to get over the hurt but to find someone new?

I think it's better that things are cut off now. Onwards and upwards! Summer is here and there are dates to be had in bars with pretty dresses. Stay well out of this social group. It may take time but by next year you'll be laughing.

Do not stay friends. Don't give him a speech or let him know he can "have you if he gets over her". He sounds pathetic and a bit socially desperate.

If this guy was emotionally wanting to move on from this interaction he would have detached from the group and gone NC.

Although I don't think anyone has behaved terribly in this situation, the guy seems a drama llama wanting to keep her in his life?

You seem to be seeing her as "beautiful and young so he obviously can't help himself". Erm, yes he can? Lots of people have had intense flings. It doesn't mean they have to pine over them to the detriment of their REAL life.

I'm a fairly cute type who likes travelling and doesn't like commitment, and I've been the "sexy thing who has completely blown over a man from the moment he saw me".

The sensible ones moved on and cut contact when they realised they wanted a sorted stable relationship and I didn't and definitely would/will ignore me if they see me in the street. Simply out of respect to their new partners and to themselves .

I am still fairly good-looking (preens).

And these guys were CRAZY about me when we had our fling.

They wanted to move things forward in life (they've moved in with WAGs, had babies, are saving up for cottages in the country etc etc)

not stand there weeping over Corbyn's budget together and quivering from thwarted passion with Monika who they had a grope with in 2006, like a Jeffrey Archer novel.

THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE.

ps my name isn't Monika.

I would guess he left his wife and children for her.

I do appreciate what you are saying greentableux and I do agree that if I can get my head sorted then cutting off contact and meeting new people would be better.

She is very beautiful I wish I were exaggerating but I am not. I do think that I am feeling it more though because she feels like my competition and because I feel I am on the downward swing myself.

I think they were very seriously involved when they were togther, it was more than just a fling it went on for four years with some breaks but its a good chunk of time. If I didn't think it was serious for him I would feel even worse because then I would just be getting thrown over for a firmer set of tits and some waist length hair.

I feel like I have only one choice left unless I am able to completely swallow what little pride I have left to stay with a man who is more in love with someone else. I can't do that but then perhaps its better than being alone, and we do get on and care for each other.

No it is not better than being alone. It is like being a hostage, it is not sustainable, it will rot you from the inside out.

Dont do this to yourself.

Is she single?

Cruusshed, if he did leave his wife and kids for her then what bearing do you think this has on the current situation. Do you think that would make my chances worse in that he's already given up too much to be with her?

Natasha- I am 37 on my birthday. I would honestly rather be by myself than living with that gut-churning feeling I used to get with him when I saw it happening. It led to dishonesty- because he could not bear to tell me the thruth because he knew it would hurt me. It led to pressure between us. It eroded my self-esteem because I could not stand being what he settled for less with. I felt insecure. It was awful. And I just loved him. It really hurt.

I decided to have time where I just looked after myself and suddenly at the end of it when I was in a much better place, DH appeared- same age as me and in the same place and everything just was right.

I still see ex occasionally, he lives at the other side of our village. I don't know what it was all about now, I have no feeling about him.

Only you can know about yourself but please be strong and don't settle for something if it makes you unhappy.

Yes she is currently single.

If you don't make the choice to end this now, on your terms, it will be 'death of a thousand cuts'...

Your update made me so sad for you and ending it is going to be your only salve; he is protecting HER feelings, not yours. I don't think you come anywhere in his priorities.

I'm so sorry for you, Natasha but settling for the crumbs of this relationship is only ever going to make you miserable. For your sake, don't do it.

"she feels like my competition and because I feel I am on the downward swing myself."

That's probably something you need to tackle more than anything - it's like you see yourself as "2nd best". You need to address this issue before anything else. Its fuck all to do with age,

I actually went out with someone like him, who had a stream of "beautiful friends he had a penchant for, some might have had history with" (some were older than me at the time, i was 21).

It was soul destroying at the time, and like you I was thinking "oh, they are SO wonderful I need to protect my turf". (yuck! )

I spent ages agonising over their movements and the past together.

The reality is, he was just ill-mannered, passive aggressive, and liked creating Mills and Boon style drama because he wasn't happy with himself (he slid into obesity and drunkenness after I left him, and his career didn't ascend as he had hoped).

The real question, is why was I myself drawn to someone who treated me like that?...

Yes I do.

If he gave up his a long term relationship, marriage, wife, children, home, finances, friendships, future etc to be with her - he would drop you in a heart beat.

Do you think that she "came back" when she heard you were on the scene?

That is sad for you natasha, . But your self esteem is more important than this relationship...now quotation marks "relationship". It is a bit crowded as Princess Diana said.

"He will always love her." That is it really, all you need to know. Oh he is suffering alright ...not. He is a fool, therefore not a keeper.

Hope to still make a go of it with you all the while loving another woman? What planet is he on? Sister wives? Angry on your behalf.

Are you going to end it? He doesn't seem to have the backbone to own up to it.

Lying I do see what you are saying and I agree but I'm not quite ready to let him go yet, just in case but I need to do something soon.

I know my self esteem is already damaged by this I know i'm older now but before I still felt good about myself, good that he wanted me but I've always had fragile self esteem. I don't think he is really so bad as your guy, he just loves her, how can he help that?

She came back when her course ended as planned I think so I don't know that she knew about me but then someone else migth have told her still so far she has always been nice to me.

You're far too empathic for his feelings but don't care about your own if you're going to keep hold of him while he's clearly more interested in her. You need to let go, you shouldn't be 2nd best to anyone.

their age gap is not that huge being 16yrs. It sounds like her feelings just weren't strong, that's all. A person who is strongly in love would not go away reguularly for lengthy periods and have a talk about wanting different things. But she may enjoy having a 'hold' on him - does she know he is in a new relationship. OP?

If she does know, it's not 'nice' of her to keep vibing and sharing private jokes with him, and you are around. Maybe she is very selfish and on a power trip, especially if he can help her along in gthe organisation.

Nasty for you to be in this situation - I wouldn't give up on him yet but try to talk with him frankly, and then slightly cool things off so he can see you've got some pride and that you aer a prize also,

Infatuation is a hard thing to beat. It's like the endocrine system seizes control of the rest of the person and gives them OCD hell
ooh that's SO spot on!

What LyingWitch said.
Why would you let him use you like that, now you know the real him/the truth? You do all the skivvy work while he pines and swoons for someone else? You would be more his employee/personal assistant than his partner.

I can understand that your self esteem is hurt by these circumstances, but you are not the lesser person here; he is. Did he ever tell you he loved you?

Yes, he can help loving her...he can stay by your side and not have cozy chats and private secrets with her. He can avoid her. He can focus on you. He has already made his choice.

He would not be settling for you; you will be the one doing the settling if you stay this course (could not say "stay with him " because he is not really and fully invested in your relationship, is he?) You are with him but he isn't with you...the fish food chain analogy again.

sorry posted before reading your update. Well I was suggesting a frank talk, so well done you were brave and did that! not great news - I'd still like to know if he told her that he is with you now? If not, just forget about it. He may have been trying to see of he can be with someone else but now he knows his feelings haven't gone (for her).
The worst thing is, he can't even try and stop seeing her as he's devoted to his group and she is a part of it, a lot in common.
I can't see what you can do really apart from cool off a bit and wait - I can understand why you are not ready to give up, she sounds fickle and possibly using him to move up in the organisation and for support. You could offer to be friends while he decides what he wants (sadly it's what she decides!), but no sleeping with him meanwhile - for regaining your own sense of space and to feel in position of strength. It's tough though - and you shouldn't give it a long time at all -0 set yourself a cut off point. I'd also date others meanwhile (just socially, but just to focus less on him).