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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Mrs Brown's Bastarding Boys

76 replies

owlsocks · 01/04/2016 21:46

Just need a hand to hold really.

I left my emotionally abusive relationship on Monday, myself and DS are staying with my elderly parents.

All was ok ish for the first few days as I was working nights and DS was with his DF (my ex-ex DH, not latest arse), but I'm drowning today. DS returned from his DF's and has been just a bit difficult (going straight on iPad, not listening, not tidying up after himself etc) but I'm on mega-ultra alert as I'm trying not to impede on my parent's home too much as they have already moved furniture and sleeping arrangements for us to be here.

The house is a tiny 2 bedroomed house with one bathroom so we are literally on top of each other.

I'm having a major wobble right now as bedtime was challenging to say the least (DS lied about brushing his teeth, and tonight is the first night we've all been here, so we are struggling with camp beds, sleeping bags etc) and I'm now hiding in my parents room as they have the TV on soooooooo loud downstairs with Mrs Brown's Boys blasting out. I'm also acutely aware of my DM's level of alcohol dependency this evening, and after 5 days of wanting to rip my lungs out from the amount of passive smoking I'm doing, I'm ready to go and live under the nearest bridge.

I'm so appreciative that they have put us up, but my god - this is harder than I thought it would be

OP posts:

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HeddaGarbled · 01/04/2016 23:26

Put the house on the market now. People looking round won't affect GCSE revision. It could be months before you get an offer. Then your ex will have to find somewhere to move to, then there's the time it will take to go through surveys etc, usually several weeks before exchange, then more weeks before completion. You are allowed to negotiate completion dates.

Agree with previous poster about talking to mortgage holders about a temporary payment holiday or reduction to allow you to rent. When we were struggling, we extended the loan period in return for a reduced payment. Once we were sorted, we were able to pay off chunks of the mortgage so didn't end up with paying the mortgage for longer after all - it was just a temporary fix to get us through a difficult time (redundancy).

Also, just because you are paying the mortgage, doesn't mean you have to pay anything else. Inform all utilities you are no longer resident and get yourself taken off those bills. Don't give him any money for food etc.

Cabrinha · 01/04/2016 23:27

I may have forgotten these:

Sorry, I don't mean to overwhelm you! You only left a week ago. Well done you!

owlsocks · 01/04/2016 23:28

I've remembered another Monday job - change salary to be paid into my personal account so I can choose how much to pay over. Is there anything other than the mortgage that I have to pay? What about insurances?

BUT...they have zero income (save for child benefit and a couple of tiny pension payments probably totaling £300) and I don't with them harm! I wish my conscience would piss off

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owlsocks · 01/04/2016 23:33

Cross post about my salary!! I'm in the zone!

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HeddaGarbled · 01/04/2016 23:34

Well he'll have to fucking go back to work then, won't he? Or claim job-seekers allowance.

Yes, house buildings insurance definitely and contents probably as I'm guessing you've left a lot of your own stuff behind.

Cabrinha · 01/04/2016 23:34

They have zero income (and not zero income at all) because he quit his job 5 weeks ago.
He can go look for another one.

You'll be paying the mortgage (for your own reasons) do he's already getting his lodgings paid for.

£380 per month is enough to pay for essentials whilst he sorts himself out.

It's not your problem. Shouldn't have been abusive, should he?

If he needs cash to tide him over, let him borrow it from someone he hasn't abused.

Friendlystories · 01/04/2016 23:34

Notify all utilities to remove your name from the accounts and stop paying into your 'bills' account.

This^ set up a new account if you don't have one he cannot access and arrange for your wages to be paid into it and mortgage DD to come out of it, the rest is not your problem and won't affect your credit rating as long as you remove your name from utilities, council tax etc, just ring the gas/electric/water companies and tell them you've moved out and are no longer responsible for the bills. Mortgage, any loans in your/joint names and buildings insurance are the only things you need to continue paying, his bills are his problem.

HeddaGarbled · 01/04/2016 23:35

Oh and can I recommend earphones and some nice soothing music?

Cabrinha · 01/04/2016 23:38

Do not pay over anything.
Seriously.
If he's not working you really can't trust him not to just spend the mortgage money.
Pay the mortgage directly. Phone them tomorrow, let any direct debit bounce, pay it over the phone on time.
You don't have to pay house insurance unless it's a condition of your mortgage (I expect it is) but anyway you should to protect your asset!
You may have some things like broadband under contract in your name? Better call and ask them about those. People move all the time.

ArmfulOfRoses · 01/04/2016 23:38

Yy to house insurance.
Can you store your furniture at your parents?
If not I'd go back and get date stamped pictures of the lot in case the fucker sells or trashes it.

He doesn't have much income?
That's a sad story.

Cabrinha · 01/04/2016 23:41

I'm at your salary going into an account that you don't have access to!
Is that because it's not an online account and you don't have access now, or that it's not in your name?
If the latter, was that his idea?
Speak to your employer URGENTLY to stop them paying into it.
If you have a joint account, go and withdraw half tomorrow. Or all of it, if it's your salary.

owlsocks · 01/04/2016 23:42

Heddagarbled...hahaha! Headphones currently hanging out in my handbag - guess where that is?

I've got a good few hours at "home" tomorrow. Number 1 priority is having a bath in a bathtub that I can actually fit my arse into!! Then, operation documents and other stuff that I can reasonably fit into a postage stamp sized room that was already crammed with furniture before I decided to use it as a camping ground!

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Cabrinha · 01/04/2016 23:42

Oh and if they don't have any income, he'll be happy to get the estate agents round on Monday, won't he?

owlsocks · 01/04/2016 23:46

Cabrinha, my salary goes into our joint account (which I do have access to) the mortgage is paid out of that account then he moves a proportion over into the "budget" account to pay the rest of the bills.

All his idea...doh!!

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ArmfulOfRoses · 01/04/2016 23:49

Don't worry. We're here to help with your own ideas.

HeddaGarbled · 01/04/2016 23:55

OMG, no clean knickers, no handbag, that really was an emergency escape, wasn't it? Thank goodness for your parents, bless their chain-smoking, crap-TV-at-ear-splitting-volume-watching, drink-dependent selves. I too have parents who I can totally rely on to rescue me in an emergency but who would drive me to stabby rage if I had to live with.

owlsocks · 01/04/2016 23:58

Thankyou - and I don't need to keep reminding myself that the most important thing is snuggled up in his cute sleeping bag next to me

I refuse to spend another single moment with him being shouted at and treated like something that has been stepped in.

For all of my moanings, his grandparents ADORE him

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ArmfulOfRoses · 01/04/2016 23:59

My only idea is to shave off all your body hair when you have your bath and not rinse it out so I'm probably not much help but I'm here anyway.

owlsocks · 02/04/2016 00:00

Odd green looking person there! Perhaps he knows where my OFRS is

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Cabrinha · 02/04/2016 00:05

Right, get your money back out of the joint account tomorrow.
Speak to your employer as soon as you can and make absobloodysure that they don't pay your salary into the joint account again!
You can't close a joint account without both signatures (at least, at Natwest 3 years ago I couldn't) but you can get them to freeze it if you tell them there is a relationship dispute. But once you do that anything in it is frozen. And if your employer accidentally pays your salary in you're fucked! So just be careful how you handle that.

He may already have emptied the joint account into the budget account.

Cabrinha · 02/04/2016 00:06

I even resorted to google!
Please tell me what OFRS is!
(presumably not Oxford Fire & Rescue Service!)

ArmfulOfRoses · 02/04/2016 00:10

Other Fucking Red Sock?

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owlsocks · 02/04/2016 00:10

It an "oh fuck rucksack"

Old school mumsnet on a name change :-)

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Cabrinha · 02/04/2016 00:12

Oh love, if that time was bad enough to need an OFRS, you sure as fuck should not be paying his bloody bills for him!

More for you. I'm glad you're out of it!

owlsocks · 02/04/2016 01:24

Lovely DS not so cute anymore. After being enormously sick all over the floor in GP's spare room, he's now tucked up on the sofa looking a bit cute but mostly pale

I love stealth cleaning up of sick at 1am - it's ace.

Living room floor not so fabulous.

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