Mrs Brown's Bastarding Boys

[owlsocks]

Just need a hand to hold really.

I left my emotionally abusive relationship on Monday, myself and DS are staying with my elderly parents.

All was ok ish for the first few days as I was working nights and DS was with his DF (my ex-ex DH, not latest arse), but I'm drowning today. DS returned from his DF's and has been just a bit difficult (going straight on iPad, not listening, not tidying up after himself etc) but I'm on mega-ultra alert as I'm trying not to impede on my parent's home too much as they have already moved furniture and sleeping arrangements for us to be here.

The house is a tiny 2 bedroomed house with one bathroom so we are literally on top of each other.

I'm having a major wobble right now as bedtime was challenging to say the least (DS lied about brushing his teeth, and tonight is the first night we've all been here, so we are struggling with camp beds, sleeping bags etc) and I'm now hiding in my parents room as they have the TV on soooooooo loud downstairs with Mrs Brown's Boys blasting out. I'm also acutely aware of my DM's level of alcohol dependency this evening, and after 5 days of wanting to rip my lungs out from the amount of passive smoking I'm doing, I'm ready to go and live under the nearest bridge.

I'm so appreciative that they have put us up, but my god - this is harder than I thought it would be

[owlsocks]

He was so nervous! I walked him to the bus stop and there was someone he knew so he visibly relaxed and he's been fine since. They've been back a week and you'd never know how much turmoil he had over Easter.

ExP is still under the impression that he can stay in the house and is planning on remortgaging to finance buy me out - now, I'm no expert but I'm a squillion percent sure that's not how it works!

I've been looking at bunk beds on eBay for myself and DS - camping isn't going massively well as he spends every night that it's his turn on the blow-up bed asleep on the floor and once I'm on the blow-up bed, I'm like a beached whale and can't move!

Had a down day yesterday but on an even keel today

[velocitygir1]

OP was your son ok at school? I hope you hold your nerve lovely, and don't let the git of an ex grind you down.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

"I left you because you're so fucking thick you think I would give you half a house"

Every text he sends is just another reminder that you're doing the right thing.

[Elizabethreallyismissing]

You're doing really well though! Stay strong! Don't let him drag you down!

[owlsocks]

I'm trapped living in Groundhog Day...ExP thinks he can give me a lump sum of approximately 28 pence and I will tell the mortgage company that he can have the house.

I've given him a step-by-step idiot's guide to buying me out - ie, involving solicitors and having the house valued but he obviously has superior knowledge and thinks the mortgage company will just believe him if he tells them I'm no longer half-owner.

I'm just existing through the daily nightmare of living with my lovely M&D until the day ExP realizes for himself that we need to sell the house...current daily routine - "why did you leave? I'm here to help. I'm not moving. There is clearly another reason. Why did you leave? You've ruined my life. Why don't you reply?" Why did you leave?"

Banging my head on the wall!

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Everything ok?

[GeorgeTheThird]

You may find he's fine at school - kids often are as it's so normal for them.

[owlsocks]

It would be easier if I went back...doesn't mean it's the right thing to do for me and my boy.

I'm going to make a few phone calls on Monday to see if I can get some cheap (free) advice.

I can't help worrying about my DS who goes back to school on Monday. He has to get the same bus as ExDP's son and I'm not sure he's ready. He's still ultra clingy and hasn't been parted from his teddy bear since we left (he's 11). He's spending every second of the day telling me he loves me so I'm doing as much reassurance as possible but it's heart breaking

[Ciggaretteandsmirnoff]

Hi op, how you getting on?

Sounds like he is waiting it out. He probally feels it will be easier if you go back.

Have you spoke to a solicitor yet? You need to get tough. You need that money .

[owlsocks]

Thanks for the replies and for keeping me going - I think my Dad is close to the edge with my stress!

The house is in joint names and there is £40-50k equity, maybe more as it hasn't been valued (it was a new build when we bought it). We have approx £20k in loans so still a fair chunk each.

He's furious that I spoke to the mortgage company and changed the direct debit and they have rung him to discuss the fact that he can't pay it. He's told them he doesn't know what I'm on about as he starts a new job soon (job offer came in the day after is rung them - incidentally, only a 6 month contract and petrol bill going to be astronomical)

Why does he think he can sit pretty in a house I made beautiful whilst I'm trying to find a crappy rental?

I'm broken today - he's still sending texts asking me to go back as he cannot accept that his behavior was abhorrent.

I need to swear...a lot.

[Ciggaretteandsmirnoff]

Op hang on in there.

My friends arsehole ex did similar - he gave up work so he didn't have to pay fuck all and she had to keep it up otherwise she would get screwed with debt.

Put the house up ASAP as he isn't doing you any favours and is relying on your good will. My friends ex also dragged his feet at every solicitors letter and every stage and she was ruined financially at the end.

Dig deep and don't let him walk all over you. It's not your fault he has made himself jobless

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Agree that that's bollocks about no rights to the house.
Is he aware that your salary will no longer be paid into the joint account?

[Ratbagcatbag]

Can you engage legal advice about the house now? Rather than waiting. If he's going to be a dick about it you need to get the ball rolling on it.

[chocolatemuppet]

Apologies posted too soon!! Wanted to add - take care and make sure he doesn't take you for a ride OP.

[chocolatemuppet]

Absolute nonsense about having no rights to the property! He's either had some seriously crap advice, or he's lying (and badly at that!!) if your name is on the mortgage then you have rights.

Apologies if you've already said - but is the property in joint names? If so there would obviously be financial repercussions for both of you if there is no money to cover the mortgage. If in your sole name, then unfortunately it would be you.

[owlsocks]

ExDP has told me that according to the CAB, because I chose to leave I have no right to the property. He's also moved the direct debit for the mortgage back to our joint account (that my wages no longer go into).

I think my head will explode soon

[ArmfulOfRoses]

There's lots of positives in there!
Good luck with the blow up bed, you'll feel much better after a decent sleep.

[owlsocks]

Somewhere between a living hell and a waking nightmare (but surviving, you know - because I have to!) thanks for asking.

I was going to come back to this thread but got scared that ExDP might spot it.

Noisy, uncomfortable old camp bed swapped for an inflatable camping mattress - first night tonight so fingers crossed!

I've arranged for the mortgage to be paid from my account as well as my car finance. My salary will go into my personal account from next pay day. I've registered for a council house and am apparently "a priority" (getting on the list was a whole thread of tears, injustice, red tape and beurocracy) but there's nothing available at the moment.

ExDP starts a new job 50+ miles away in a few weeks and is insisting on staying in the house despite his wages not being enough to cover it...he has graciously conceded that "if" he ever sells, I can have my half of the equity. I'm considering getting legal advice as what happens when he can't pay?

He's still not told his family about his job or our split to protect them - meanwhile, my lot are all in different stages of nervous breakdown.

On the up side, I've managed to do enough overtime (I get my overtime money weekly) to have enough for a deposit on something rented when a property pops up on rightmove!

[ArmfulOfRoses]

How are you op?

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

OP you need to set up substantial savings for when you go to court to force a sale.

You will need his agreement and his signature in order to sell the jointly-owned property. If he's abusive as you say, I can see him refusing to sign anything and remain in the property until the cows come home. He'll be living rent-free and causing you maximum anguish and inconvenience, so why should he make things easy for you? Fancy paying the mortgage for the next X years being unable to sell, while you pay rent on another property for you and your son? This is what could happen.....

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

In order to have your utility accounts closed and new ones opened in your ex-partner's name you will need to have meter-readings to give them. I recommend you take photos of the meter-readings on your phone for future reference.

You need a new bank account in your sole name to have your April salary paid into.
Make arrangements for the mortgage-payments to be paid from it.

Cancel all standing-orders and direct-debits on the joint account. Once that's been done have the account frozen so he can't put the account into overdraft.

Once you've had confirmation that the Council Tax account has been changed to his name only (they should send you a final statement) STOP BLOODY PAYING IT!

Set up a mail re-direct so you'll be forewarned should any bills show up or not be paid by him.

If he's a jobless abuser with no savings he's almost certainly going to start playing dirty, so be prepared for the worst.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Well done!

[Iamdobby63]

Can you speak to your mortgage company, explain the situation and that you need to rent somewhere quite quickly and see about a mortgage holiday? My ex did that with me and he hasn't appeared to have any issues obtaining a mortgage after. You can check with them that it won't go against you when you want to take out another mortgage with them.

[owlsocks]

I've brought everything with my name on, which was surprisingly little. Mortgage statement, council tax etc. the water/sky/TV license is all in his name but I can't find the electric/gas stuff as it's online.

I've got all of the house purchase stuff as well as all of my car stuff and documents.

Our tiny cluttered space just got tinier...smells a bit suspect too!

[owlsocks]

He was up again at 3am being sick but settled until 7:30am when we were discovered in the living room by my Dad.

Just arrived at "my" house - I have wifi!