I have started to notice a pattern to our rows, and I think my DH might be emotionally abusive when it happens. I need help to 'decode' what is going on. This is a typical example of what happens.
We were in the lounge, I was on my phone researching built in wardrobes and was absorbed ( I was on Pinterest!). He said he was taking DS upstairs to play, the tv was on CBeebies, I wasn't watching it. Half an hour later he came back down and the tv was still on CBeebies (I hadn't noticed as I was absorbed in my task). He flipped out at me for not turning it off ( I am suspicious he did it on purpose to catch me out when he came back down so he could have a go at me). He says I am lazy and a liar and that he won't believe me because he 'knows me' and that I am stubborn and am not telling the truth. I feel that the responsibility for the tv was with the person who was watching it ( or the person watching DS who was watching it) so don't feel it was up to me to turn it off. I try to explain I cannot 'lie' to resolve the row and he shouldn't expect me to. Admittedly I do get defensive as I feel my character is being attacked and I feel he is being unfair. I try to make him believe me and see that it's not worth making a huge row over in front of DS. He will not stop going and going on at me being rude, calling me names, discounting everything I say, twisting and turning it to make it my fault and force me to 'apologise'. Even though he comes at me with the issue, and essentially causes the row by having a go at me, it is always me that has caused it because I should have just 'apologised' and 'admitted I was in the wrong'. I feel very strongly that I won't apologise for something I haven't done or that I don't feel warrants an apology. I am always quick to apologise if I am wrong though. He keeps going and going until I can no longer contain myself and flip out in a rage of the injustice and his rudeness to me (he says awful things which I can' never remember). He then uses this 'flip out' against me saying things like 'look at you you're a mess' 'you can't control yourself' 'I'm not the one shouting'. of course he is rude and hurtful and awful to me but he manages to stay calm the whole time he is doing it which then makes me out even more to be the 'bad guy'.
Eventually I will apologise to make it stop thinking if I hold my hands up to 'my part' ( which I still don't believe and therefore feel uncomfortable with apologising) he might see he is at fault and apologise for being the one who caused the row and hurt me so much in the process. No such chance. He will not accept any responsibility, will not apologise, cannot see his part (he has caused me a great deal of mental anguish by now and I have been crying and sobbing pushed to my limits but he is incapable of saying sorry, feeling guilt or reaching out to comfort me for causing me to feel this way).
He then shuts down the row, saying we will discuss it later. When I try to talk about it later he latches on to the fact I lost control and shouted, and in so doing makes himself out to be the victim, instead of focusing on the real issue which I feel is his inability to take responsibility or apologise for his part in the row. The argument can never be resolved as I am left reeling from what has happened, questioning myself, head fucked and emotionally battered, because I have to apologise but he won't. These rows only ever happen when he has started it and seem to be over trivial things, like the tv being left on, the kitchen door being left open, or me not realising that DS hasn't had breakfast yet (when DH usually does it and it's only 8.15am and therefore not a disaster that it's not been done yet).
It's worth mentioning two things. I have a fragile sense of self after an emotionally and physically abusive relationship when I was younger which may or may not be contributing to the way I react. DH had an extremely abusive childhood and ended up cutting off his Dad and half his family. I don't know all of the details but from what I have heard they were awful emotionally and physically abusive people. 90% of the time DH is loving and rational and a brilliant Dad, and I really do want to get to the bottom of it for all of our sakes. Any help in shedding light on this and ways to move forward would be helpful..