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Original poster

what do I do next

49 replies

helpless17 · 31/03/2016 22:54

would appreciate some advice

been in a relationship for 6 lovely years
my other half desperately wants me to move in with him but only me. I have 2 teenage children and am divorced. In a strange situation where at the moment my ex hubbie and I live in same house for financial reasons. Would make sense to move in with him but partner is very honest and feels he wouldn't cope with my 2 teenagers on a daily basis.

We seem to have reached a crisis point now and I feel so torn. If my 2 kids were happy with their dad it might be the ideal situation as financially it solves that problem for a few years until the kids leave home but I am not sure how it would work on a day to day basis when I can't see the kids every day. I don't want the kids to resent me or think I have abandoned them.

I must add here that I do stay over at my partner's a few times a week and also my ex has a partner and he does the same but we alternate. I have come up with a suggestion whereby I stay over with my partner say for half the week and my ex does the same but this would change every week as my ex's girlfriend's ex-husband (keep up!!) changes his mind often.

Sorry for waffling on but my relationship has come to a crisis point where I know my partner will possibly give up on us if I can't commit more as he gets lonely a lot but at the same time I feel so torn. What should I do?

I do know that I love my partner so much and I don't want to be on my own in a few years because he has got fed up waiting for me to commit to moving in with him.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/03/2016 22:58

Not a chance in hell I would. I would think less of a man who was pressuring me to do that.

Ime teens need you more than when they were babies. Anyone can keep babies alive, teens need stability and guidance.

However would I he'll be sharing a house with my ex. Imo you need a middle road of moving into your own place.

anyoldname76 · 31/03/2016 23:01

there is no way i would ever leave my children to live with a man, i agree that you need your own home, what about if you have grandchildren one day, would he be able to cope with them?

Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:04

If he doesn't love you enough to wait for your kids to be older, then he's not worth giving up daily life with your kids for.
A bit obvious, but true, I think.

I think it's fair enough not to want to live with your kids - but not fair to then expect you to leave them to enable that.

You're already there "a few" times a week. What's that - 2 or 3, sounds like?

This is the reality of your life, you have children. If he can't handle that, he needs to bail.

Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:06

And what about ten years time when your teens now in their early 20s want to come and stay for the weekend to see you? Is he going to say no to that?

Thatslife72 · 31/03/2016 23:08

No you can't do that , I understand that in a few years they'll have they're own life, but u don't know how long that will be it could be a few years but it could be 10! Don't abandon them, u will regret it. Also you come as a package how the hell can he expect u to make that decision. I don't think he's as lovely as u think tbh!

Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:09

I have said that in a few years I could move in permanently probably but that these days kids cannot afford their own homes and so quite likely they will need to come and live with us. I am quite happy the way we are at present as I don't feel I want to be tied down again YET and we have time on our own when I see him which I admit is lovely.

He is being very honest I guess but I feel very hurt that he loves me and yet he won't accept me and my kids. He does have kids of his own but they are quite a bit older and it's not impossible at some point they may move in with him!!

If this relationship ends because of this I wouldn't try again as he has been my complete soulmate in every way

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:10

I'm also Hmm at him "getting lonely a lot".
He sees you 2-3x a week (if your meaning of "a few" is like mine - at least 2, anyway)
He could come and stay at your place on other nights when your XH is away, if he's missing you.
Now it's lovely to miss each other - but getting lonely? I'd be walking away from Mr Needy.

Happyat40 · 31/03/2016 23:10

Children come first every time .

Accept me - accept my children .

I would be questioning this relationship tbh OP but it would be a no brainer for me.

Happyat40 · 31/03/2016 23:12

OP has he got your best interests at heart - or his ?

Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:13

Oh enough with the "complete soulmate" bollocks.
I'm sorry, but that sort of attitude isn't helpful to you! He's not your soulmate because if he was he'd have come to care about your kids over the 6 years, and he'd happily put your relationship with them far higher up his agenda.

Fair enough to be honest he doesn't want to - and he may still be a lovely guy - but that's not a soulmate!
And how silly to chuck the baby out with the bath water - why not date again? That seems unnecessarily over dramatic.

Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:14

Latest is he has said that he will move away and buy a small place somewhere else as there's no point him living in a house too big for him in an area he doesn't like so much. I said would that be the end of us then and he said depended on whether I was prepared to visit him. I thought at that point he was ending it. He has lived in this house for over 11 years and is having health problems at present which may be making him re-assess everything and could possibly be major.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:16

To be totally fair I didn't introduce him to my kids until we were a few years into our relationship. He has only met my daughter a few times but he sees my son quite a bit. We had a very unusual start to our relationship.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:18

I like him less and less.
He whines about being lonely, and now he's having a hissy fit about his house and how you have to visit him!
Where his effort?
When does he ever make the effort to come to your place?

Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:20

I probably should be clearer. Because my ex lives in the same house I guess we have tended to meet at his or go out. He has been here for Christmas and dinners occasionally but quite rarely. I think if he had been invited more often he would definitely have come here. He has wanted to stay over here but I felt a bit awkward with the kids.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:21

I mean, this is supposed to be your soulmate? Confused
OK, he doesn't want to live with your kids.
But he also doesn't want to stay in your area so he can continue to see you 2-3x a week.
Your soulmate would.

HeddaGarbled · 31/03/2016 23:22

He is trying to make you choose between him and your children.

Choose your children.

ALaughAMinute · 31/03/2016 23:23

I would always put my children first.

Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:23

He would still be under 10 miles away. I thought he was finishing it and going to move but he is older than me and with these health issues I think he thought he may as well move away and be on his own in a smaller place. He did then say he would hope I would visit him. Maybe there is some insecurity creeping in for him as he is unwell at present.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:24

So why not change that now?
Then he doesn't have to be lonely.
You could see him at his 2-3x a week, and at yours 1-2x.
As long as the kids can cope with it.
Why would you feel awkward about it around the kids if he was your soulmate?
Any chance you've over invested in the idea of this man because of this "unusual start?"

Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:25

How can he love me so much and make me choose then? He absolutely adores his kids so he knows what that is like.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:27

Did he have a properly hands on role parenting his kids when they were younger?
You may have quite different values regarding parenting.
As with many divorced fathers, did he actually find that he could be a part time dad, and now thinks it's no big deal for you to be a part time mum?

Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:27

The solution now seems to be to stay at his 2 or 3 nights a week but straight from work whereas at present we meet up later so if you like I half move in with him. We nearly always get half a wkend together anyway.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 23:32

Well that sounds fine if it's YOUR solution that you're happy with.
You'd see less of your kids, but it sounds more like a more common divorce situation, with split days.
It's not fine if you're doing it under duress because you feel like he's threatening to end it.
After 6 years, you should either be strongly enough in love to weather this situation - or just split.
It's fine for him to wish you could live together (my fiancé and I live apart and will do so for 2.5 years because of our kids) it's not fine for him to pressurise you.

HeddaGarbled · 31/03/2016 23:35

That's a very good question. Why do you think a man who understands how important a parent's relationship to their children is to both parent's and childrens' happiness, would pressure a woman he claims to love to abandon and live separately from her own children?

Original poster
helpless17 · 31/03/2016 23:35

I personally would be quite happy carrying on as we are with me over 3 nights a week approx and seeing a lot of him at wkends. I know that if we split I will never meet anyone else. He is okay with the waiting for a few years but then he realises that at some point if I was living with him one of mine may need to come and live with us and he is being very honest by admitting that he's not sure how he'd cope with that. He has lived on his own for a long time now since his divorce.

OP posts:
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