what do I do next

[helpless17]

would appreciate some advice

been in a relationship for 6 lovely years
my other half desperately wants me to move in with him but only me. I have 2 teenage children and am divorced. In a strange situation where at the moment my ex hubbie and I live in same house for financial reasons. Would make sense to move in with him but partner is very honest and feels he wouldn't cope with my 2 teenagers on a daily basis.

We seem to have reached a crisis point now and I feel so torn. If my 2 kids were happy with their dad it might be the ideal situation as financially it solves that problem for a few years until the kids leave home but I am not sure how it would work on a day to day basis when I can't see the kids every day. I don't want the kids to resent me or think I have abandoned them.

I must add here that I do stay over at my partner's a few times a week and also my ex has a partner and he does the same but we alternate. I have come up with a suggestion whereby I stay over with my partner say for half the week and my ex does the same but this would change every week as my ex's girlfriend's ex-husband (keep up!!) changes his mind often.

Sorry for waffling on but my relationship has come to a crisis point where I know my partner will possibly give up on us if I can't commit more as he gets lonely a lot but at the same time I feel so torn. What should I do?

I do know that I love my partner so much and I don't want to be on my own in a few years because he has got fed up waiting for me to commit to moving in with him.

Right, so he adores his children but has lived on his own for a long time? I know you said they're older - but were they kids when he split? Has he already opted out of 50/50 childcare of his own kids?

And please - give over with this "I'll never meet anyone else" poppycock.
It's REALLY bad for your judgement now to think like that. If you believe that, you're more likely to make bad choices, giving up time with your kids now to make sure you keep good of your one and only chance.

You had a marriage that didn't result in bitter hatred, and you've had a happy 6 year relationship. Why on earth would you think you couldn't meet anyone else?

I do think it's very wise to discuss your respective attitudes to adult children at home, btw.

And I have sympathy with his position. I don't see that your kids would have to come to live with you as adults - can't afford a house, then do a houseshare like everyone else!

If I were you, I'd concentrate on being able to house yourself. So that even if you were living with him, you could choose not to. It does sound like you're tied to the marital home because of money - don't end up tied to his rules of who can live at his place because he owns it. Concentrate on putting aside rental / deposit money so that you can make your own housing choices when the kids are adults.

You don't sound like soul mates.

You've been together for six years and he's only met your daughter a few times. And you're still living with your ex husband. Regardless of the issues with dc , you don't sound very committed to him. Things usually progress after six years.

You said you don't want you're children to feel you've abandoned them. Well, if you live in with someone who won't let you bring your DC, that is exactly how they will feel!
I know, my mum left when I was 3. I'm 50 now and it's still hurts and upsets me.
Please do not put a man before your children. They will never forgive you.

Children first. Every time. Couldn't possibly think of a single reason why this would be up for discussion

Is it really a dilemma? Your children are priority.
How can you respect and love a man who doesn't agree with that

He sounds like a child. You need to concentrate on getting your own space, living with separated parents is hell even if they get on well.

In six years have you never discussed living together and the reality (your children living with you) of that? It sounds that your whole relationship has been built with your children being on the outside and he wants to maintain that dynamic if you move in together. He's obviously not happy with the status quo and is prepared to apply pressure/ manipulate you to change it.

Given that you believe the ideal solution, would be your children being happy living with their father full time. I think you would have moved in with this guy already but you're smart enough to realise that your children would view this as abandonment.

I think it's time you need to make some decisions and this 'soulmate' and 'I'll never love again' crap, are just ways for you to contemplate justifying prioritising this man over your children. The reality, is that this man's love for you has never extended to, or needed to extend to, accepting or participating in the side of your life that involves you children. Your unconventional living arrangements has let you get away with avoiding this basic relationship comparability question for far too long and now, it's crunch time.

Just to say - when my dad was in his seventies his love life was legendary

You going to his straight from work = more time with him and less time with your kids.

When he said about moving away and you thought he was ending it, do you think he was expecting you to try and get him back by promising to leave the kids and go with him? It would explain the back track.

Is he looking for you to look after him?

How often does he see his kids?

Your kids need you so please don't abandon them because that's what you would be doing, never put a man before your children, NEVER.

The fact he has children actually makes him look worse, he's expecting you to just drop them for him, ridiculous expectation.

OP, if he can't be happy with the way things are then he's no soul mate, you also have a weird living arrangement with your ex - teenagers are harder work than at any age so leaving them would be pretty foolish, and for what, to stop him feeling lonely?

Seriously, I think you need to make it clear to him that you come as a package and are not a free single woman who can choose her time as she pleases, you have responsibilities, I'd have thought he would get that but perhaps he's never been much of a dad to his own.

Another one chiming in here with the same opinion as everyone else. If he was truly your soulmate there is absolutely no way he would be asking you to choose.

Also, if in a few years' one or other of his children might need to stay with you (if you were living together), and that's OK because they're his children - but he wouldn't want yours to come? Really?

He's not your soulmate he's a selfish dick.

I don't know how old your DCs are but it's kind or irrelevant. If they're still teenagers they need you. Full stop. No question. Even if they never spend time with you and only on their tablets / PCs/ TVs etc, they still need you there. More so (IMO) than when they're little.

Thinking about it, I don't think I have ever seen the word "soulmate" used about a happy, equal, long-lasting relationship.

I wonder if it's like the word authority: if you need to remind people of it you haven't got it...

Please chose your children. My DH has a mother who has always chosen her relationships over her children and it's been just awful. It has affected the way he has lived his whole life. She wasn't abusive or cruel, but DH has always known that she and her (latest) partner come first. I judge her hugely for this - she has no relationship with our DC's either for the same reason. It's very sad.
Your children will never forgive you if you choose him over them and it will affect their whole lives.

wow so many msgs to catch up on. I do appreciate all your comments.

I know the situation with my ex seems odd but we cannot agree on finances and I can't afford to take him to Court. I would end up renting but not have enough for anything meaning food, clothes, bills etc.

I have kept my family apart for quite a while from my relationship but in the last few years we have met up more.

When he split from his wife over a decade ago, his kids were young and he had an active part in their lives. Now they are teenager and twenty something he seems them less often.

In answer to one of the replies, it is a case of him moving as he lives in a house too big for him on his own and because of his health worries is thinking about worse case scenario. He always says when we talk about living with kids that he isn't sure he could cope. He has never had to live full-time with kids and is used to living in a very quiet house doing his own thing. I do sound like I am making excuses but I can see his side of things. I often envy him the peace and quiet he can have compared to the noise of my household.

If I did move in with him full-time or half and half, I could see my kids regularly as we would be in the same town and they could come over and stay when they wanted to.

and they could come over and stay when they wanted to.

Not knowing they're not wanted they won't. Just won't happen. They're not stupid. They'll sense his unease.

You can see his side of things all you like, but if he expects his side of things to overrule your side of things to the point of separating you from your own children, then he does not care equally about you.

Teenagers need an awful lot of stability in order to achieve independence. They need to have a solid base in order to take flight. Knowing that their parent is prepared to do without them will not make it easier for them to become independent of that same parent. Sympathising with your soulmate because he gets the peace and quiet of a house without children is hardly going to make them feel good about themselves.

"I could see my kids regularly as we would be in the same town and they could come over and stay when they wanted to."

Expect they couldn't, because they would only be able to stay with you until new partner had had enough.

The normal thing for a couple splitting up would be to ask the children (once old enough to voice an opinion) where they wanted to live. So what would you say to your children if they said "we want to live with mum" or "we want to share 50/50"? "Sorry, you can't because new bf wouldn't like it and his voice counts for more than yours"?

Bet they couldn't come over and stay when they wanted to.
If that's OK, why hasn't he proposed that you and he live together and you have your kids 50/50 with your ex? Which means you have your kids and he has his peace and quiet - just neither of you have either thing full time.

I was actually thinking the situation with your ex was quite good, that you'd managed to make it work for 6 years. It's not for many - but if it works, it works.
BUT... then you reveal that it isn't all peace and harmony. Are you feeling stuck there because he won't agree a fair settlement?
It's strange to talk about a need to take him to court, when you've outwardly managed to staying living together.
I thought it was your choice to still live together, but it doesn't sound like it.
What's stopping you taking him to court and self representing?

Word of warning: if he's trying to screw you on finances, you'll get a far better settlement now whilst you have children to support.

Do you work?
What's stopping you deciding where you live instead of your ex?
Are you divorced?

You know, he's not wrong for wanting peace and quiet and being uninterested in the children of his 6 years girlfriend.

But is that really what you want?

My fiancé came with me to collect my child from school today. His are older, he's done all that. I said "it's OK, no need" he said "but I want to - I want us to be a family". Then he chatted to her all the way home.

Maybe that's not what you want, a boyfriend who is part of your whole life. But are you sure it isn't? I want my fiancé high fiving my daughter's exam results with her in 10 years time - not saying "oh did he do his GCSEs then? Oh, sorry - she".

I'm one of three children. my mother left my brother and sister with my dad when they were 7 and 5, and I was 2. she stayed with my stepdad for 15 years.

we did not get over it. we are now 49, 47 and 43. none of us are in contact with our mother. she has 7 grandchildren and doesn't see them either.

is this the future you want for you and your children? I'm baffled.

OP has been stuck living with her ex for SIX YEARS because (it seems) he won't agree a financial settling with her - and for whatever reason, she isn't financially independent.

Who's going to join me in betting that during these six separated years the OP has provided the majority of earning capacity limiting childcare?

The nights she can see her boyfriend are dictated to according the whims of her ex's girlfriend's ex husband. (so - dictated by her ex)

I'm beginning to think that OP is considering a bad decision because she's stuck in a shit situation.
OP - forget your boyfriend, you have to sort out your financial separation.

I am in a bad situation and have been for many years. We were very acrimonious initially but things have settled down a lot now we both have partners.

Money is the reason I can't move out even though I work and money is why we can't sell the house. I would get half (no more) and would not be enough to buy a place for me and the kids. Hence the stalemate.

This is also why my partner initially made the suggestion that I move in with him as he didn't want to see me homeless. The kids are very happy living where they've always lived near to things they need and I would hate to uproot them unless we could live in our own place.

I am taking in all your comments and agree that kids always come first. Mine will start to be independent fairly soon my eldest is twenties now and youngest 16

OP, they will not be independent in the sense that they won't need to be able to come to you and feel welcome, not for a long, long time. If you are living with someone who isn't sure he can cope with them because he relishes the peace... well, they are not going to feel very welcome, are they?

Meant to add, your situation with your ex sounds grim. Is there anything you could do to enhance your earning potential?

How many kids have you got? That sounds like more than 2.
If at least one is in their 20s, can they not be paying you rent if you buy a new place? And if they don't want to / move out and on naturally, you could get a lodger.
Is there much equity in the 50% of the house?
The longer you leave this, the harder it will be - if you want a mortgage.
What happened when the kids leave home? Are you going to live with your ex then?
And what if he wants to live with his GF?
Or he splits up with her - will he go back to being acrimonious?

Are you really going to be homeless if you move out? Why? Why wouldn't your 50% cover rental deposit? There must be some equity or you wouldn't have been arguing over finances!

Moving in with your boyfriend isn't the answer - that relationship is not guaranteed.

I'm sorry to be doom and gloom, but this will get harder not easier. Six years ago you'd have had young enough kids to be higher in the social housing list, or house prices would have been less.

hey could come over and stay when they wanted to. do you really think this is enough for your children? Really? Just how often do you think they'll want to do this? How about ensuring they have a home, with you, their mother?

I do think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please see a solicitor tomorrow (ok, Monday) and get proper advice on how to separate a get a legal financial settlement. There is always a way. And when you are living your own life you will be better placed to make coherent decisions.