Dumped by a guy due to 'timing issues' who came back. Was I right to say no?

[ElanoraHeights]

Hi all
First time poster. I'll try to keep it short.

I met a guy IRL last year. We had a lovely few months together then he finished it (by text - which I was not impressed by). He said he wasn't ready as he'd not long come out of a serious relationship which he said had drained him. I had seen it coming and was sympathetic. I wished him well and said if he was ready at some point in the future to let me know.

Towards the end of my time with him, my dog got sick and she died just before Christmas. She'd been my companion for 13 years after I'd rescued her at the age of 2 and I was devastated (he knew this was happening but didn't ask about her or how I was).

He had something of mine that I'd lent him that he'd promised to return. After I'd e-mailed about it (it was something my parents had given to me), he got back to me and said he was sorry and that he would return it. After the third failed promise, I e-mailed for the last time and he replied apologising and asking if I would meet up again. I asked why and said I'd had a rough time with losing my dog and that I didn't need any more upset in my life. After a week, he sent me a message back saying his life had been really hard lately, but he was happier now and waffling on about companionship and friendship and doing things together.

I replied saying I was confused and didn't understand what he was asking and heard nothing back so, after waiting yet another week, I sent another message saying to forget it and not to bother returning what he'd borrowed.

We'd had a lovely time together and I'm now full of doubt, wondering if I acted too soon, if I should have given him more time. Or he was just flakey and if I was right to draw a line under it. Although relatively short, it was good while it lasted. It's difficult to know if he was like this all the time or just while he got over his previous what sounded like EA relationship. Was I too hasty?

SoThatHappened, I've read a lot of your posts here and I think you're being very unfair to ladyjadie in this instance. You are projecting. Big time. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know what that's like. But really, you're taking it out on the wrong person on the wrong thread. From what we've been told, ladyjadie's BF was honest and upfront about their relationship. He didn't owe her anything more. Whether she was in love with him or not, is as unfortunate as it is irrelevant. Assuming we've heard the truth here, it was her choice to hear what he told her and either not believe it or believe it and continue anyway. As for you, I hear the pain in your posts. I really hope you manage to mend your broken heart soon. Your ex sounds like a complete dick and not worthy of you. Onwards.

OP, as for this man.... He is also telling you what he is like, so listen. Sporadic contact, cowardly and unlikely to be someone you could ever have a real relationship with. I'd agree with suggestions to get your book back if it is of importance to you and then cut him off. No contact, head high, dignity intact and move on. It really is the only way. He seems the type to pop his head up every now and then to chance his arm. Don't engage.

Thank you Ina. No, it was when he told her that he was seeing me that she suddenly started to send pictures of herself in her bikini, offers of 'fancy a filthy weekend' and finally when he politely told her again that he was happy with a girlfriend now that her final text declaring her love came along. sothat I'm sorry if my post touched a nerve, I too have seen your posts and thought you deserved better. I did talk to my boyfriend about how often fwb ends up with one person having feelings but it was always her saying she was coming to his (she lives about an hour away) and he would reiterate it was just 'as mates' which she would enthisiastically concur with. I'm not ecstatic about it all (she also turned up at his door when I was there, hoping for a 'cuddle and a nap' after he'd told her he was seeing me) but I guess he just took what she said at face value at the time. I don't think I'm 'it' at all. And the point of my post to the OP was that the language used was similar to my DP's wrt his time with her and not indicative of someone worth investing huge feelings in.

Sorry for the derail OP

See my one was the one doing all the inviting and speaking of a future with me.

Yours still shouldnt have encouraged her in anyway though knowing she liked him.....said no when she invited herself etc. he must have liked the attention.

OOps hit send to early. It really messes you up when someone acts the way mine did. I still cant get over it.

Also probably am projecting as still feeling like such a twat for being taken in by this guy only to be dumped.

To be honest I'm in agreement with you sothat, but I guess if she was saying she was fine with being 'just mates' how could he have known she wanted more? I'm guessing she liked the attention she got too, and you're right I shouldn't have used the phrase 'she was history' that was crap of me. The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit guilty but it was their lives and their choices and its a shame she got hurt but she could have decided to not see him anymore.

Your ex sounds like an utter belltower and I'm sorry he treated you like that, it's all kinds of cruel to be talking about a future if he knew that wasn't going to materialise

This ex-fwb girl popped up on my 'people you may know' thing on Facebook and her profile pic is of her and a guy and se looks really happy so hopefully she's found someone who loves her too, she looks really happy. And you too will find someone, someone who is honest and adores you and will make you wonder what the hell you saw in that prick

Oops should have proofread.

Someone who dumps you by text, doesn't care about your dog dying, and "can't cope" with post your book back......is NOT someone to hand your precious heart to. He would stomp all over it. I think his "ex" is not an ex at all. I reckon she still lives there and they never split up. The fact he never gave you his address, is just bizarre. Red flag. Well done, you did the right thing.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to this with their thoughts and perspective. It has been very helpful.

sunshinesummer - Thank you for saying I did the right thing. It did occur to me that perhaps his ex was still living there but I had his landline number and could phone hin at home whenever I needed to. He said he had asked her to move out several months before after she'd admitted being with someone else. He said there'd been no contact since when I asked how they were managing with the house bills etc (I think she'd cut contact). If we'd carried on going out, I would have asked to see his house but it suited me at the time for him to come to mine.

Still very sad it's over as it was the best thing I'd had in a few years. Perhaps timing issues aside, he'd be annoying and flaky at the best of times anyway. I did think it was pathetic that he couldn't make it to a post office to post my book back to me. It's not hard!

Thanks to everyone who replied.

Isetan - thank you for your very sensible post. You're probably right about the previous EA impacting on me still. I think it does. I'm having some time out now (again!) to focus on me for a bit.

OTheHugeManatee - thank you - you made me smile with your post. Yes, you could well be right about his previous ex getting irritated with him. She was a lot younger than him and I think he was head over heels while she wasn't. So that could have come out in some controlling behaviours perhaps. Anyway, if he's as undynamic all the time as he has showed himself to be recently then that would drive me up the wall after a while.

wizzywig - no! It was too much for him to cope with.....ridiculous, isn't it!

Thanks everyone....!