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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped by a guy due to 'timing issues' who came back. Was I right to say no?

36 replies

ElanoraHeights · 29/03/2016 16:09

Hi all
First time poster. I'll try to keep it short.

I met a guy IRL last year. We had a lovely few months together then he finished it (by text - which I was not impressed by). He said he wasn't ready as he'd not long come out of a serious relationship which he said had drained him. I had seen it coming and was sympathetic. I wished him well and said if he was ready at some point in the future to let me know.

Towards the end of my time with him, my dog got sick and she died just before Christmas. She'd been my companion for 13 years after I'd rescued her at the age of 2 and I was devastated (he knew this was happening but didn't ask about her or how I was).

He had something of mine that I'd lent him that he'd promised to return. After I'd e-mailed about it (it was something my parents had given to me), he got back to me and said he was sorry and that he would return it. After the third failed promise, I e-mailed for the last time and he replied apologising and asking if I would meet up again. I asked why and said I'd had a rough time with losing my dog and that I didn't need any more upset in my life. After a week, he sent me a message back saying his life had been really hard lately, but he was happier now and waffling on about companionship and friendship and doing things together.

I replied saying I was confused and didn't understand what he was asking and heard nothing back so, after waiting yet another week, I sent another message saying to forget it and not to bother returning what he'd borrowed.

We'd had a lovely time together and I'm now full of doubt, wondering if I acted too soon, if I should have given him more time. Or he was just flakey and if I was right to draw a line under it. Although relatively short, it was good while it lasted. It's difficult to know if he was like this all the time or just while he got over his previous what sounded like EA relationship. Was I too hasty?

OP posts:

HotNatured · 29/03/2016 16:37

God no, you totally did the right thing, he sounds like a flakey self absorbed piss taker. Don't forget, he didn't care about you enough to ask after you after your beloved dog had passed away.

Don't doubt yourself for one moment, you've totally done the right thing, be proud of yourself, this is how rubbish half arsed relationships start. Hang onto your precious sanity. Been there, done that. Never ever again.

gatewalker · 29/03/2016 16:40

"Was I too hasty?"

In a word, OP, no.

And I'm sorry about your dog and the unreturned item.

Billben · 29/03/2016 16:45

This is what I would have done: I would have agreed to meet up with him, just so I can get back the thing he borrowed. I wouldn't have told him this of course. Once I got it back, I would have made my excuses for not wanting to start up the relationship again. But that's just me. Definitely don't give in to this guy. You are better off without him.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/03/2016 17:33

I'm of the same mind as Billben. Despite being asked 3 times, the flakey fucker couldn't be arsed to return the item he'd borrowed from you and didn't even have the grace to send condolences on the loss of your dear canine companion, or ask how you were feeling.

I would have met up with him and made sure I got my item back, plus a couple of drinks by way of repayment for inconvenience caused, before leaving him talking to himself about himself unceremoniously dumped in a bar.

Losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking and the fact that your loving care enabled her to reach ripe old age is no consolation whatsoever. I wish you could have shared another 11 years with her.. .

imeatingthechocolate · 29/03/2016 17:36

he didn't really come back though did he he just sort of waffled about a bit and was told to go

Offred · 29/03/2016 17:37

You did what was right for you ergo you did the right thing.

What he showed you of himself was that he is flakey and selfish and no-one looks for those qualities in a prospective partner.

Buzzardbird · 29/03/2016 17:44

I'm sorry for your loss.

He is a twat, you are far better off without him. Selfish, opportunist twat.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2016 17:48

Oh, fuck him off. But I'd tell him I wanted that thing back. Arsehole.

Original poster

ElanoraHeights · 29/03/2016 19:33

HotNatured and gatewalker - thank you both for your kind replies and for reassuring me that I did the right thing. I was worried I hadn't given him enough time to sort himself out but it did seem a bit pathetic that it took him a week to reply after he'd asked to meet up again.

Bilben - thank you for your suggestion. I did think about doing that but just wasn't strong enough after having him finish with me and then losing my dog (I know some people will think that's a bit ridiculous but it was horrible seeing her deteriorate over a period of weeks and then having to have her put down three days before Christmas). I'd had such a horrible few months that I didn't think I could cope with seeing him if there was any chance he was going to mess me around again.

goddessofsmallthings - thank you for your understanding. Yes, I wish I could have had her for longer too. It was heartbreaking to lose her.

imeatingthechocolate - I guess you're right. I was trying to phrase the title so it was short. He did ask to meet up again but didn't try very hard to win me over again which is one reason why I said no.

Thank you Offred - he seemed such a nice guy who I thought had just had a rough time of it from what sounded like an EA relationship. I worried that I hadn't been understanding enough (having been through one myself that left me a wreck). But I like to think that, if someone decent had come along in the aftermath, I wouldn't have just let them go.

Buzzardbird and expatinscotland - thanks both! You made me laugh.

I was worried that I hadn't been understanding enough of his situation of having come out of a serious relationship not long before he met me with someone who hadn't treated him very well. I don't meet men I like very often and I'd had such a nice time when I was with him that I worried I had thrown away something that could have been good.

Ironically, I actually met him hours from home at a place on the coast I'd taken my dog to for the weekend when I'd got her cancer diagnosis so I could spend some quality time with her. It turned out he and I lived close to each other and had the same backgrounds, values and interests. It all seemed like fate. (Yes, seems laughable now.)

Thanks all. The thing he walked off with was a book that my parents had given me. I was annoyed he'd not returned it especially as he could have posted it back easily (but he kept saying he couldn't cope with doing that). It may seem a small thing but it was important to me.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 29/03/2016 19:42

Then get it back and stop letting him control things.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 29/03/2016 19:50

He sounds like a flakey arse who doesn't give a shit about other peoples feelings.

He dumped you by text
He didn't ask how you were after your dog died
He couldn't be arsed to return your book.

You've had a lucky escape I reckon.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 29/03/2016 19:51

I reckon people's actions speak louder than their words. Anyone can put on a front of pretending to be a fun, nice person with lots in common, etc. But in reality he's shown you who he really is.

SoThatHappened · 29/03/2016 20:06

Good for you.

I met a guy exactly like this a while ago. He dated me for a bit and ended it by text saying he was in hell at work, life stress, didnt want to date, out of LTR recently.

He came back nearly a yer later and we started seeing each other again. He ended it again a few months later and I found out he had kept going back to his ex and used me as a back up when they were off again.

Your guy met someone else and now it hasnt worked out with her, he is back. Good on you for saying no.

SoThatHappened · 29/03/2016 20:08

Send him a self addressed envelope for the book? He cant possibly say no?

Offred · 29/03/2016 20:17

There's no point thinking about why he was flakey and selfish or whether you could have given him more time to sort himself out IMO.

Relationships (and people in them) are IME usually at their best in the beginning. 'Giving time to sort himself out' is a massive risk that IMO it is unwise to take on someone you are barely involved with and barely know. Someone who is willing to date knowing they haven't 'sorted themselves out' already is likely to be a bit of an arse and given you hardly know them you don't know how realistic it is that they ever will sort themselves out - very often they just drag you down with them I think.

Stillunexpected · 29/03/2016 20:20

He "couldn't cope" with returning a book by post to you???? Well, he's a precious little snowflake isn't he?

Original poster

ElanoraHeights · 29/03/2016 21:14

Goingtobeawesome - I told him (effectively) to get lost so I won't get it back now!

WhoTheFuckIsSimon - I thought he was a lovely guy who was just going through a hard time. I didn't think he was malicious. But I guess I'll never know. And, either way, he has shown that he is a bit useless and thoughtless. Thank you for reminding me of this. I need to knock him off his pedestal. I think my opinion of him is coloured by sympathy.

SoThatHappened - I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you and I suspect that's what have happened in this case had I agreed to go back out with him. I don't think he met anyone else in the meantime as he was too messed up. I suspect he has now though. He's quite good looking and I doubt he'll be on his own for too long.

Oh, and rather embarrassingly, I didn't know his address. I didn't ever go to his house as it was the house he owned with his ex (she had moved out a few months before but he said he felt awkward having me there as she still owned half of it). He was going to sell up or buy her out. It suited me having him come to mine because I had my dog and he lived an hour away. Otherwise I would have sent him a SAE and asked him to return it.

Offred - you're right. I didn't want to be his therapist and always tried to have fun with him and divert him when he started on about how he didn't know who he was anymore and how the relationship with his ex had made him miserable etc etc. Not what I wanted to be hearing!

Stillunexpected - yes, it's not hard, is it! But in 5 months he couldn't get himself to a post office to return it after promising that he would the night he finished with me. It is a bit pathetic, isn't it!

OP posts:

MadeMan · 29/03/2016 21:45

"I wished him well and said if he was ready at some point in the future to let me know. "

At this point in your original post I was thinking "well of course he came back then."

But by the end of your post he seems a bit all over the place with his emotions and probably still not over his previous relationship. Unless you want to play as his social worker fixing him up, then perhaps it is best that you said no to him.

ladyjadie · 29/03/2016 22:31

waffling on about companionship and friendship

My boyfriend had a fwb before me. He maintains that he was always straight up with her that they were friends only and that he was single but said it was nice to have a 'companion' to do things with every now and again. It was obvious she was in love with him and pretended it was all fine but secretly hoped he would fall in love with her too. Then he met me and she was history, he wanted a real girlfriend and could walk away from her because he never wanted to commit to her. It sounds like this bloke might have realised he was a bit lonely and fancied some company but him using those words would be far too wishy washy for me, I'd think I was a temporary option while keeping his eyes out for something else. And not asking after you when you lost your lovely dog is just and the book thing is just crap of him. You definitely did the right thing OP and deserve and for being so clued up. You've saved yourself so much angst and pain, I'm sure of it. Good on you for having such good self respect!

Isetan · 30/03/2016 08:32

Why would you worry about being too harsh on someone who;

Finished with you by text
Borrowed something precious to you and not return it
Despite knowing of your loss, still makes it all about him.

He may well of been in an abusive relationship and be having a tough time but it does not give him license to be a self absorbed disrespectful twat. Though given his behaviour, I would say that he probably was the EA one in his previous relationship and has manipulated you into feeling sorry for him. You and his Ex are well rid.

The way you are doubting yourself over this twat leads me to believe that the legacy of your previous EA is still negatively impacting on your thoughts and behaviour. Let this be the catalyst to work on your esteem because if it was higher, there would be no doubt or second guessing about dumping this guy.

This guy is a player who thinks he has the right to mess you about whilst dressing it up as 'confusion', just to wrong foot you. In order to get your book back, you're gonna have to temporarily play him at his own game.

MistressDeeCee · 30/03/2016 08:37

Don't 2nd guess yourself OP, you did the right thing

These people who are apparently not over previous relationship yet manage to get with someone else, enjoy themselves for a bit and then "suddenly" remember they're still grieving over a previous relationship, and then dump you, are a pita. He's at a loose end thats why he is back. Let him find someone else who can fit in with his now "perfect time"

OTheHugeManatee · 30/03/2016 11:07

It's quite possible that the relationship with his ex wasn't EA at all, she just got exasperated with him being a whiny git who needed special allowances made for his special emotional problems of specialness all the time

Sorry about your property, OP, and your poor dog. But sounds like you're well rid of the bloke.

SoThatHappened · 30/03/2016 13:19

I wouldn't be so proud of your boyfriend ladyjadie.

he sounds lovely. Even though he was straight with her, he knew she had real feelings and kept having sex with her regardless of that. He should have ended it.

Dont chortle and be proud that she is history now and you're "it"......your time may come to be history.

wizzywig · 30/03/2016 13:24

He cant cope with putting a book inan envelope and going to the big bad post office??

SoThatHappened · 30/03/2016 13:39

Also ladyjadie your bf sounds extremely selfish and callous regarding another human beings feelings. It was obvious she was in love with him? I presume you didnt meet her and he actually told you this about her?!

You too sound selfish, to describe her as "history".
You haven't won a prize, he sounds like a selfish arsehole.

If a guy told you he'd chucked a fwb for you and he knew she was in love with him...that should have told you to walk away as the mere fact he told you all that is a red flag.

But then you seem to like to gloat that you won him.

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