People are never as warm towards me as they are to others

[MilkaMoo]

And I don't know why. I'm a warm, friendly person. I like people. I try to be kind and decent and would never want to upset anyone.

I just find that people, with the exception of a couple of good friends, are more abrupt and cold with me than they are to others.

For example I am friends with a group of other women who had children at the same time that I had my youngest. They are all warm and friendly towards each other but I feel quite offhand and cold towards me, and they don't seem very interested in anything that I have to say. We have a Facebook group for us all to communicate with each other and to arrange things, and if ever I post on there I get very abrupt replies. I posted recently saying that my son was poorly and that I wouldn't be able to make the meet up that we had planned that week and two or three of them just replied with 'ok' whereas when others have posted similar things they've got long replies of 'Oh bless, hope he/she's ok, poor thing, sending love'.

Then at my current workplace everyone else seems to have really gelled and although I get on well with everyone, I feel on the outside and that they all just see me as someone they work with and everyone else is seen as a friend. I have made an effort with them all, and I chat to them at work, but they all seem quite detached from me. I often hear at work about nights out that they've had at the weekend, which I'm not invited to, and one night last week they all had a 'girls' night at one colleagues house with a takeaway. Every other female from our workplace was there except me. I wasn't even invited.

DH says I should just cut people off who don't treat me nicely, but it makes me upset to think why am I always treated like this?

[AtSea1979]

It's surprisingly accurate i.e the career was spot on.

[FaFoutis]

I'm an INFP.
The best bit of my life is the inner bit! I didn't know about the outsider thing, it makes sense.
People are not warm to me either, even my own family. I'm told that it is my sense of humour that gets me invited to social things, but I rarely get sympathy or kindness from others. I think it might be because I don't show vulnerabilities or that I need people. Is that like you OP?

[Butteredparsnips]

Is no one an S ?

OP people like this aren't worth it. It doesn't matter why. If they Can't be bothered to be kind; don't waste your time fretting about them.

[knitknack]

I'm an INFP too... I'm often told I'm eccentric or that I 'say bizarre things', but I think I'm utterly normal!

[FaFoutis]

I do say bizarre things. They are just the things I'm thinking about and I don't have small talk ready unless I'm prepared.

[knitknack]

Oops, pressed the wrong button...

Could you be 'different' to these people in some way? I'm thinking of ways that might intimidate them; are you above average intelligence, are you creative, are you beautiful, or slightly eccentric? Sometimes it's astonishing to me how others perceive people! They may feel that you have such a rich and involved life elsewhere that you don't really 'need' them?

I agree with other posters that hopefully you'll find some kindred spirits and be able to build 'outside' friendships that can sustain you...

[knitknack]

I'd love to have a group of friends who all felt comfortable with 'bizarre things'!

[springydaffs]

Phew, glad to hear there are some extroverts here one - I was beginning to feel left out!

[IrianofWay]

Regarding my people-averse personality traits tonight is a perfect example. I am going to my running club tonight. After that a friend is coming round to see me. I am feeling vaguely unhappy about this all because

1. I am sort of dreading the running club - nothing serious it's just socialising I could happily do without. I like all of the people there but I'd rather run alone. But I make myself go every week because it's 'good for me'.
   

1. Afterwards is my down-time, bath, food and maybe a glass of wine. Alone! Or at least with just my family. Now I have a friend coming -she is driving her H to our town for an evening out and she asked if she could come and visit me while she waits to pick him up later. I really like this person and I like to see her - but I don't want this. Again I feel obliged to see her because it's what 'normal' people do.
   

I will probably enjoy both these things in a way but I am dreading them both. Stupid isn't it?

[Boopear]

Yes, IrianofWay I can relate completely to that!

I have a lot of lovely friends who do Parkrun and then go for breakfast afterwards, but as much as I love running and like my friends I always dread going. Like you, I feel that I should as it is "good for me", but I find the combination of running and social just bizarre. I feel so much better knowing it isn't just me!

[Drbint]

ENTJ here and I have exactly the same socially. I don't much enjoy meeting people socially, E or not (professionally is fine), I find it hard and everyone else seems to get rules I don't.

I suspect I'm just not the easiest person to socialise with though - over-confident, talk too much and can come across as really arrogant without meaning to. OP, you just sound like you meet a load of bitches or people who are jealous. Not inviting you when everyone else was included is shit behaviour.

[MilkaMoo]

Wow thank you everyone for the replies.

I think the thing that upsets me the most is how people are so curt to me compared to how they are to others. If ever I have anything going on in my life that I would like a bit of sympathy, support or advice with, and post about it on my Facebook, in that little group, or text friends about it, I get very abrupt replies. or ones that just say 'Oh dear' or that type of thing, whilst others get really elaborate replies from those same people with lots of kisses, hearts and fluffy bunnies.....

I have actually started to ignore people when they reply to me in a curt way and only acknowledge those that have spoken to me in the way in which I want to be spoken to.

Good plan too to be offhand and cold with people and see how they are with me after that. I do find that it works but then I forget to be cold and end up being my usual self, arghh

[Starstruck2016]

I think for me, I am less fluffy than other people and shy away from that.
So I do find, when people want to bond with me a lot, I cool down a bit because I find it a bit too much, at first.
But then, if people are then cooler I wonder why. Lol

So now I am a bit warmer and more overtly nicer, make more effort to be warm and a bit more feeling in how I interact, which reflects more how I am on the inside, and people are warmer back to me. I don't want to meet up with them all, I don't have enough time, but I do want people to be warm and nice.

[springydaffs]

but then I forget to be cold and end up being my usual self, arghh

Me too! Haha! I forget to be horrible!

[eddielizzard]

you can change personality type. i used to be intj when i was working but after kids i'm much more strongly infj. i think i was intj to fit into my working life but now enjoying creativity a lot more.

[Starstruck2016]

Hello to all of the INFJ ers gathered on the thread

[springydaffs]

Oh. Not me then Star?

Is this a INFJ club then

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I am INFJ. Definitely happiest with small groups and my own company. People take a while to warm to me, but then tend to really like me (because I am nice and a good friend). I'm really rubbishy at making new friends though; people have to pursue me, no way can I make the first move. If it was a man I could never ask anyone out and would probably be single.

[Starstruck2016]

Hi springy :)
INFJ is supposed to be < 1% of people taking the test so just surprised to see a cluster of them in the thread that's all . Sometimes I am ENFJ

[Owlcat]

"I am less fluffy than other people and shy away from that.
So I do find, when people want to bond with me a lot, I cool down a bit because I find it a bit too much, at first.
But then, if people are then cooler I wonder why"

"but I rarely get sympathy or kindness from others. I think it might be because I don't show vulnerabilities or that I need people."

I could have written both of the above! OP - how do you comment on other people's Facebook statuses? I think that people tend to comment in the same way that you do, I'm not "fluffy" and people aren't with me, even if they are with others. I often feel like a outsider in groups and I think a lot of people do, however, in my two main "friend-making opportunities", university and baby groups, I have ultimately come away with small but good groups of friends who are genuinely nice people and who I still meet up with regularly years later, and the fluffy are people are nowhere to be seen.

[Owlcat]

Typo, aargh... "and the fluffy people are nowhere to be seen".

[RowenaDahl]

Just stumbled across this thread and I could have written it myself!

INFJ here. I do have quite a few friends but find the whole fitting in thing quite hard generally especially at work. It's baffling. I am always positive, helpful and friendly and do my best to get on with everyone. Currently doing a temp job and I do not fit with two of the women there. They haven't said it directly but I just know that they do not really like me. Quite odd as they seem to prefer the personalities that are frankly quite bitchy. I am at the stage in life now where I don't try too hard if it is not going to be reciprocated. I certainly don't go out of my way to help them.

An ex-boyfriend used to tell me I was 'misunderstood' and I think that's quite accurate. I wouldn't say that I overshare but I am quite honest about my life/what I am up to and I wonder if that is part of the problem. Have started to be very careful about what I reveal to other people so will tend to respond to questions about my job as, "It's great but contract is coming to end shortly...." as opposed to "Not great as I work with two witches who are getting on my tits so need to get out of there ASAP!!!"

Any other top tips would be appreciated...

[HildaHippo]

It seems that so many people today just want to hear a load of gushing platitudes - it doesn't even matter in some cases that they haven't even met the people - " big hugs" "lovely" "awesome" blah blah ....sometimes if you don't act like this then you are seen as an outsider. It is a load of fake bullshit . Half of these people can't even stand the others and are all talking about them behind their backs - oh yes I know how this all works and if you don't play the game then the pack will turn .