People are never as warm towards me as they are to others

[MilkaMoo]

And I don't know why. I'm a warm, friendly person. I like people. I try to be kind and decent and would never want to upset anyone.

I just find that people, with the exception of a couple of good friends, are more abrupt and cold with me than they are to others.

For example I am friends with a group of other women who had children at the same time that I had my youngest. They are all warm and friendly towards each other but I feel quite offhand and cold towards me, and they don't seem very interested in anything that I have to say. We have a Facebook group for us all to communicate with each other and to arrange things, and if ever I post on there I get very abrupt replies. I posted recently saying that my son was poorly and that I wouldn't be able to make the meet up that we had planned that week and two or three of them just replied with 'ok' whereas when others have posted similar things they've got long replies of 'Oh bless, hope he/she's ok, poor thing, sending love'.

Then at my current workplace everyone else seems to have really gelled and although I get on well with everyone, I feel on the outside and that they all just see me as someone they work with and everyone else is seen as a friend. I have made an effort with them all, and I chat to them at work, but they all seem quite detached from me. I often hear at work about nights out that they've had at the weekend, which I'm not invited to, and one night last week they all had a 'girls' night at one colleagues house with a takeaway. Every other female from our workplace was there except me. I wasn't even invited.

DH says I should just cut people off who don't treat me nicely, but it makes me upset to think why am I always treated like this?

[Youmatter]

I either really click with someone (rarely) or I don’t at all.

Especially in a work environment, there’s the pack mentality and someone will feel the wrath.

I’m slowly realising that if people aren’t willing to put the same amount of effort into it as I am then they aren’t worth it.

I would rather feel a little lonely than feel like the left out loner.

People are assholes are hard work to understand but there’s a lovely bunch here I’d happily grab a coffee and people watch with.

[Qyilyed1]

Good luck idloveto!

The main thing I’ve learned is just to be my own best friend.

I used to actually feel guilty that I was cursed and some horrible man obsessed anti-feminist weirdo because I often found blokes to be nicer to me than women (many reasonably successful men LOVE the whole “quiet, smiley, well spoken” female type)

but now I’m just like “this is me, these are my goals, this situation doesn’t make me comfortable, this person is flaky” .

I don’t mean I just socialise with men, but I’ve stopped trying too hard with women and it’s fine?

Loneliness is the human condition, I think we all feel it sometimes.

It’s better to be on your own watching a Pilates vid or doing a language course or finding ways to invest money than trying to engage with people who make you feel like shit.

[Qyilyed1]

Ps incidentally I’ve seen the same dynamic applied to other women so it’s not just me “it’s all relative” basically?

For a regular fitness class, I recall the class instructor was really (unjustifiably) rude to one woman who was very tall, slim, posh, and pretty (and nice too!)

whereas she was fine with me as I was probably very nondescript compared to most of the women there.

[Qyilyed1]

It does happen doesn’t it? I mean look at some of the threads here. mumsnet is great overall

But often as soon as someone mentions they’ve got a high status job or oxbridge or size eight (and bear in mind many doctors have worked hard and made massive, huge lifestyle sacrifices to be there, ditto staying slim or getting into a good uni) you get some people who just go off on one in a “oh you’re an X so you clearly don’t have any lifestyle problems at all” kind of way?

It strikes me as well that it’s a way in which social mobility is discouraged and even why people from certain areas and backgrounds tend to struggle more with getting ahead with education or keeping a healthy weight etc - there’s significant female peer pressure to stay a certain way or you’re ostracised.

I’ve noticed women tend to enjoy other women wheh they can look down on them a bit? I don’t want to give myself problems just to be liked more

I’ve had more of a “I’m meeting my own needs and I’ll be civil and that’s it” attitude over the last couple years and it’s really paid off.

The trouble with feeling a bit shunned is that often the impulse is to try to then do things to make people like you and then it gets into a vicious negative self-esteem cycle.

Also I think I’ve lost a set image of what my social life “should” look like - I don’t have the whole “girly night out” thing but I have meet-ups where I can go, have a chat, meet others in a similar boat and not feel like I’m involved in all the “x hasn’t invited me” drama.

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

I think a lot of problems here are a result of others unconscious bias ans jealousy. I have ASD and now as an adult actually have a decent set of friends of both sees.

I have been seen as aloof reserved, posh, blunt, condescending but also somewhat intimidating. I tend to smile as a mask when I'm neutral in mood but that has made me seem like 'a smug bitch' as said by one of my friends. That and the fact that objectively I'm quite attractive and lift weights so I guess that's it too.
Thing is there is nothing about what I do in terms of appearance and Outlook that they couldn't do!

[WiseOldBird]

This is me.

[TheGruffalosLoveChild]

INFPmum1 - That definitely sounds like there was some jealousy. How ridiculous! As for this new lot, it just all sounds very odd. Maybe it’s the same jealousy? Or jealousy over something else? It still sucks.

I really don’t know what my problem is . With work I was often praised for my good work when the others were criticised for not doing very well. I’m also not very loud and attention seeking, whereas they all longed to be in the limelight. That didn’t really bother me, as I realised we were just different types of people.

The mum group affected me more because I thought we were all fairly similar and got on well. Like you, I’d get lots of “Oh it’s so lovely to see you” type comments and they didn’t seem to hate me. Then they stopped inviting me to stuff, but all the group messages continued. Then there were lots of silly things, like when I messaged to say my baby had arrived safely I got lots of “Congrats x” messages and heard nothing more from them after that.
A few months later one of the others had a baby and they all sent loads of “OMG she’s so gorgeous” messages, constantly asked how she was getting on, went round to see her with presents etc (which I also wasn’t invited to). It just really sucked because I was suffering from PND and really needed some support.

Q - Yes! There is a lot of inverse snobbery. Definitely! The pretty, thin, posh girl thing is also definitely a thing . It’s such a shame, I mean...why can’t people just see if someone is a nice person and take it from there?!

[Qyilyed1]

Ive noticed this too but I care a lot less as I get older?

I think it’s a combination of:

• being seen as a bit too “pretty and slim and posh” (this is a thing, yes) I didn’t want to date at one workplace and tried to be “one of the girls” but I think a lot of the guys there expressed serious interest in my eligibility etc - cue daggers from other women
  

• slight asd tendencies
  

• Maybe some childhood experiences meaning I tend to play out the same dynamic with my older sister and my mum who were both very aggressive to me? Then I worked harder for their approval, then I get into a bad pattern. Etc
  

I generally find im a lot happier as I get older and more goal and activity focussed rather than trying to fit in with women who snub me. I’d rather put £50 into my pension pot than on a night out where I’m being ignored by the women I’m with because my dress size is too small or whatever

Like pps have said, you find your tribe? I tend to get on ok with blokes (and big mixed groups of international people) so tbh I just stick to people who like me rather than try to get that Sex and the City social lifestyle.

I also think sometimes it really is due to circumstances - I’m currently retraining but have “day pay job” which is fairly female dominated with women with low levels of education. I genuinely don’t have a lot in common with them and so I think any overtures I make are regarded suspiciously as “who does she think she is, she’s going to be doing X and upping and leaving soon?”. Inverse snobbery is a thing

[blueangel1]

INFJ here too. I often feel as though I'm in the outside looking in, and as pp have said, I can find people hard work face to face. It used to bug me, but less so as I've got older.

[INFPMum1]

Hi Gruffalos, thanks for your reply. 🤗 Funnily enough, like you, I used to get ostracized at work too, years ago. I was also promoted and one girl snidely said to another one“why is it only the good looking ones!” Aha! Now I know I thought. At least I had an idea what that one was about - jealousy. This time I don’t know why but I’m very independent and non cliquey, but at the same time I’m friendly and warm I’m told.

What do you think it is with yourselves? Maybe it’s just like that with us

🤷‍♀️

[TheGruffalosLoveChild]

I’m sorry you were googling that INFPmum and I’m sorry you’re feeling so low (and others who have commented). Do you have any good friends who are there for you, or are they all the same?

I’m exactly the same and relate to so many comments on this thread. I’ve had it for years at work, despite trying so hard to make friends (probably half the problem!) and have just found it awful since having children. “Mum groups” seem to be particularly bad .

[Thatsalovelycuppatea]

Hi op. Know how you feel. Unfortunately it's like it anywhere. You even get it at church and I have made comments about it several times, but nothing changes. It seems that some people become 'favourites' for some reason. I'm quite content with the friends I have but it's not a good look for 'new people' etc etc. Just be yourself and it's other people's loss if they don't include you or make an effort x

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

I know what you mean - particularly when doing temp work - but when people got to know me it was usually OK. I have ASD and had this at school all the time - I speak to maybe three people from all my school days.
But these days I have a tight group of friends who are mostly male and work in STEM and same for the women too. I do have something of an eccentric appearence and demeanor (apparently) so I suspect I cause (and did cause) something of an Outside Context Problem to people as I am also somewhat blind to social heirarchy I only go on how people treat me.
I'm not sure if that is helpful but that's one idea.

[INFPMum1]

I just googled “people don’t warm to me” and this post appeared. I know this post is quite old now, but I can completely relate to you! What’s happened to you is very similar to what is now happening to me right now - and quite frankly it’s getting me down. I’m usually a strong person and I never thought it would, but it is. I’ve tried ignoring the issue, but my child is only in Year 1 - so a LOT of years to see these cold, wishy washy women.

Have things improved for you since 2016 Milkamoo? Would be interesting to know x

[Bountybarsyuk]

I appreciate at work this is difficult, but my advice still stands, find one nice friend rather than try to crack into a rather exclusive group, you'll have more fun and a better friendship anyway.

[Bountybarsyuk]

I think you need to just get out of any groups where you are not appreciated or don't feel quite part of things. Why hang around to get a few kicks? I had an NCT group like this, I realised over time that no-one seemed to laugh at my jokes or sometimes there was a slight silence after I spoke. I've had lots of good friends over the years and was nonplussed by this. In the end, I just left the group, who were bitchy about each other as well, and haven't looked back. As Hilda says, why do you want people who aren't really your friends to write 'oh hun, what a shame, hugs etc'- why not invite one person who you get on well with for a coffee and build more solid friendships. Groups can be very fickle and not that nice, I would protect yourself and seek nicer individuals or find groups like running/walking/hobbies where the people are there for more than just hanging out and slightly excluding some people to make themselves feel better.

[HildaHippo]

It seems that so many people today just want to hear a load of gushing platitudes - it doesn't even matter in some cases that they haven't even met the people - " big hugs" "lovely" "awesome" blah blah ....sometimes if you don't act like this then you are seen as an outsider. It is a load of fake bullshit . Half of these people can't even stand the others and are all talking about them behind their backs - oh yes I know how this all works and if you don't play the game then the pack will turn .

[RowenaDahl]

Just stumbled across this thread and I could have written it myself!

INFJ here. I do have quite a few friends but find the whole fitting in thing quite hard generally especially at work. It's baffling. I am always positive, helpful and friendly and do my best to get on with everyone. Currently doing a temp job and I do not fit with two of the women there. They haven't said it directly but I just know that they do not really like me. Quite odd as they seem to prefer the personalities that are frankly quite bitchy. I am at the stage in life now where I don't try too hard if it is not going to be reciprocated. I certainly don't go out of my way to help them.

An ex-boyfriend used to tell me I was 'misunderstood' and I think that's quite accurate. I wouldn't say that I overshare but I am quite honest about my life/what I am up to and I wonder if that is part of the problem. Have started to be very careful about what I reveal to other people so will tend to respond to questions about my job as, "It's great but contract is coming to end shortly...." as opposed to "Not great as I work with two witches who are getting on my tits so need to get out of there ASAP!!!"

Any other top tips would be appreciated...

[Owlcat]

Typo, aargh... "and the fluffy people are nowhere to be seen".

[Owlcat]

"I am less fluffy than other people and shy away from that.
So I do find, when people want to bond with me a lot, I cool down a bit because I find it a bit too much, at first.
But then, if people are then cooler I wonder why"

"but I rarely get sympathy or kindness from others. I think it might be because I don't show vulnerabilities or that I need people."

I could have written both of the above! OP - how do you comment on other people's Facebook statuses? I think that people tend to comment in the same way that you do, I'm not "fluffy" and people aren't with me, even if they are with others. I often feel like a outsider in groups and I think a lot of people do, however, in my two main "friend-making opportunities", university and baby groups, I have ultimately come away with small but good groups of friends who are genuinely nice people and who I still meet up with regularly years later, and the fluffy are people are nowhere to be seen.

[Starstruck2016]

Hi springy :)
INFJ is supposed to be < 1% of people taking the test so just surprised to see a cluster of them in the thread that's all . Sometimes I am ENFJ

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I am INFJ. Definitely happiest with small groups and my own company. People take a while to warm to me, but then tend to really like me (because I am nice and a good friend). I'm really rubbishy at making new friends though; people have to pursue me, no way can I make the first move. If it was a man I could never ask anyone out and would probably be single.

[springydaffs]

Oh. Not me then Star?

Is this a INFJ club then

[Starstruck2016]

Hello to all of the INFJ ers gathered on the thread