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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please come and chat to me until i can ring WA

44 replies

RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 22:37

Potted history (there are threads)

About 3 wks ago inasked h to leave following a vicious verbal assault. Was persuaded to let him stay. Last week I told him to go as I couldn't trust him to do it again, I didn't want to live with someone who would treat me like that. This time he left. Today he had the dc's, asked if he could come in when he dropped them off to pick up some stuff. I thought it would be fine. Wrong. He was here nearly three hours. I've been told that my depression has caused this. He was right to be so cruel to me fir my own good. I need to see a counsellor to figure out how I'm going to forgive him and not drag this up again and again. At that point inasked him to leave. Well there was upset, tears, he had a hypo ( diabetic). He went off to the kitchen to have a panic attack. Eventually he left virtually growling with anger. It was another 10 mins or so before he pulled off the drive.

I.admit I'm anxious and panicky now. Adrenelinenrush definitely. No tears just ridiculously angry. But because I'm not a dickhead I'm not letting it out where the dcs can see/hear. I think he's gone but incant relax. I want to ring women's aid but youngest dc awake and with me. What do I do. House all locked up he cant get in. But he was so angrt.

There isn't anyone local incan call. Family too far. Fabulous mate also lives away but is in comstant contact this evening. She is amazing.

You lot are wise. Wtf do I do now. I don't want him anywhere near me ever again.

I could do

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 22:40

God I look like I've been on the wine up there. I haven't. Just really hyped up.

OP posts:
Zhx3 · 26/03/2016 22:42

Sorry to hear this. I can't help with wise words, but is it worth logging the incident with the police on 101? I know someone who did this following a similar incident with her dp and I think it alerts the police to react quickly if you need to call them again?

Original poster
RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 22:57

Thanks Smile. What do I say? He didn't threaten me. I just wanted him out and gone. This is typical for him when he doesn't get his way. Lots of shouting and slamming doors etc. Passive agressive.

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 26/03/2016 22:59

You sound like you're doing just fine, so stay strong and don't worry.

Hope you're putting DC back to bed now?

Keep checking the locks to reassure yourself and make sure all the curtains are closed. You're a strong woman and it will get better. You know this, you just need reminding Smile

Hissy · 26/03/2016 23:00

This is the first day of the rest of your life. Your children need you to stay firm and keep him out of your day to day.

Mumsnet is worldwide and there's always someone to listen, you're not alone Sweety!

5608Carrie · 26/03/2016 23:01

You can log it with police if he acted in a threatening or aggressive manner. You could ask WA about no molestation order. It can be granted temporarily on a statement written by you. Usually within about 24hrs.

Original poster
RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 23:05

Thank you. I let him come in, in the hope of some kind of remorse. There was none. It was just a massive self pity fest on his part. Even his parting shot was about how he needed to be sure he could drive, because of the other drivers of course, because he doesn't care about himself any more. Hmm

Dc asleep now finally.

OP posts:
InFlagranteDelicto · 26/03/2016 23:08

Not much help, but I'll hand hold.

I'd log it with the police, you need the papertrail for the future.

It's all an act. When the pity show doesn't work the anger will resurface.

Glad your dc have settled

Original poster
RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 23:10

X posts Carrie thank you. I must admit I'm wary of winding him up any further. Tbh I'm not expecting him back here any time soon, I think I'm more likely to get guilt trips by text. I've been calling his bluff recently whereas i used to back down all the time. I'm not necessarily expecting escalation of agressive threatening behaviour but am wary enough of it not to rule it out. Maybe read too many threads on here I dunno. But there is a script and he's following it.

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 26/03/2016 23:15

Can you call women's aid now? They will advise you on what steps to take to protect yourself - 0808 2000 247

jellybean2000 · 26/03/2016 23:17

FYI there isn't such a thing as just logging with police. If you call about DV (which verbal threatening comes under) they will either call you back or visit your home. Be prepared for that. It happened to me and I was shocked and scared when they turned up at my door at 11pm.

TheBouquets · 26/03/2016 23:21

I would do a doorstep handover for the DCs. If he asks for clothes or other goods from inside the house, close the door with the lock on and go to collect whatever yourself, and hand items out the door. You have hopefully changed the locks on all the doors in the house. Do not let him in no matter what he says, needs to use the loo or feeling faint etc. Advise where the nearest public loo is and offer to call an ambulance. This is emotional abuse. He has caused a lot of upset in your house tonight. Kids just settled and you worried and on here. That is just not on. People wont think you are wrong, they will see him as wrong. I think you got good advice above about the paper trail with the Police

Original poster
RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 23:26

Thank you. Rang wa but it went to voicemail. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again in a bit.

Oh I wasn't expecting them to send someone round. I don't want the dcs disturbed. I'll ring them if he comes back. He cant get in anyway the key is in the lock .

I hate talking on the phone. Least of my problems tonight.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 26/03/2016 23:29

Absolutely agreeing with TheBouquets. You should totally remove his access to your home. No matter what. Another time he might refuse to leave and, in all likelihood, you'd be a bit stuck with waiting him out. Which would wear your resistance down yada yada - guess the rest. Best to keep him on the backfoot of his own compliance before he changes tack. You're doing amazing by the way!

Zhx3 · 26/03/2016 23:33

I'm not sure that the police came to visit in my friend's case, although she might have gone to the station the next day (sorry, i can't remember). Hope you're feeling calmer now, and glad to hear your friend is supporting you.

Original poster
RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 23:40

Thank you, all your posts feel like a much needed cuddle. Sounds ridiculous really but I feel like I've had an epiphany tonight. He got gradually more and more horrible the less I pandered to his bullshit. I did get scared that he might not leave but eventually, eventually he did. He did the very thing he promised me last week he wouldn't do, get angry and behave like a three year old. I won't be letting that happen again. Best part of three hours, THREE HOURS and not once did he take any responsibility or show any remorse.

God I need to calm down. We live on a fairly busy road and every time a car drives past I jump out of my skin.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 26/03/2016 23:48

Time really can be used as a weapon in such gruelling situations. Be very aware of that. It's not about how long it takes for "a situation" to be resolved. It's a battlefield. I'm glad that your epiphany has started. There will be more revelations on your part because you're actually truly looking at the situation. You're going to be fine, get this sorted. Can't promise it won't hurt but I have total confidence that you're going to sort it, control it and create a wonderful new life. Looking forward to when you change your name to RainbowRising Chocolate

Birthgeek · 26/03/2016 23:49

Never let him in again.

goddessofsmallthings · 27/03/2016 00:05

The national helpline is run in conjunction with Refuge and it's frequently oversubscribed particularly on bank holiday weekends.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here but be aware that you may have to wait until Tuesday before you can speak to a local adviser: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

I think you know now that it's a mistake to allow him to enter your home and if he hasn't removed all of his possessions I suggest you bag them up and find a way to deliver them to him which doesn't involve you coming into contact with him.

When is he next due to the see the dc and do you intend to begin divorce proceedings?

Original poster
RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 00:21

Tried wa a few times, it would seem there are plenty of us out there who need help sadly.

I've just remembered something else he said and given how shit my memory is atm I'm going to write it here so I can come back to it.

I asked him a few months ago following a previous outburst to get help for his anger, I suspected he was depressed and I knew he needed help. I told him then that it was his last chance, i would not put up with it any more. He told me he would. Then he didn't. Fast forward to more recently, it happens again, I kick him out. He has apparently spoken to someone at relate. I asked him if he'd discussed why he waited until I actually kicked him out before he got help. Apparently its a common thing to stick your head in the sand (well yeah) and he kept thinking he could put things right in his own. I asked him why he ignored what I'd said re getting help for himself even though id told him I was at breaking point. He said that not facing up to things was like an addiction. It was like asking an alcoholic not to drink. Personally I don't see it like that, my view is that he thought that if he ignored me enough then id stfu and let him start the cycle again. Ha. Not any more, wanker. I wouldn't want a relationship with an alcoholic and don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's reaction to their wife having a breakdown is to firstly ignore it and then make out that he's not in any way to blame and that he's quite within his rights to be cruel and angry.

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 00:31

Gosh you've done SO well OP. No wonder you feel beside yourself! The only way is up now! Flowers

Original poster
RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 00:32

Sorry goddess x posts. Thank you for the info. I did suspect that a Saturday night would be a busy time for them. I think ill leave it now as I don't feel in any immediate danger. If he comes back ( which I doubt he is a coward) I will call the police. I'll leave them a.message and ask them to call me back.

Divorce proceedings - asap, as soon as I can speak to a solicitor. I don't want him anywhere near me.

I'm due to drop the children off at his parents house on weds evening, they are going to stay for a few days. This was arranged when we were still being civil. His parents are lovely, but I haven't heard from them since he told them about the split so no idea what he's said or what they think of me.

His stuff. Well I haven't thought that far ahead, I suppose I could take some of it with me when I drop the kids off, his parents can store it for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 00:42

Thank you Matt. rather suspect that I will crash tomorrow and feel horrible again. Writing this all down now so I can read it and get this feeling back again. This feeling where I don't give a fuck what he thinks because I know he'll never change. This feeling where I know I tried my hardest but the only way tho relationship would survive would be for me to do whatever he wanted without complaining.

OP posts:
InFlagranteDelicto · 27/03/2016 07:31

And to do that destroys you. You can do this.

Have a lovely Easter with your small people

Griphook · 27/03/2016 10:24

You've down really really well, honestly he sounds like an arse, he's not going to change. And he behaviour all points to him not caring about you or his family, about him self yes. He only rang relate as a means to get you to let him stay. If he was interested in changing he would have called along time ago.

But it's so hard, so very hard but you've done the hard bit. Write down all the times he was/is an arse and re read to remind yourself.