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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please come and chat to me until i can ring WA

44 replies

RainbowDashed · 26/03/2016 22:37

Potted history (there are threads)

About 3 wks ago inasked h to leave following a vicious verbal assault. Was persuaded to let him stay. Last week I told him to go as I couldn't trust him to do it again, I didn't want to live with someone who would treat me like that. This time he left. Today he had the dc's, asked if he could come in when he dropped them off to pick up some stuff. I thought it would be fine. Wrong. He was here nearly three hours. I've been told that my depression has caused this. He was right to be so cruel to me fir my own good. I need to see a counsellor to figure out how I'm going to forgive him and not drag this up again and again. At that point inasked him to leave. Well there was upset, tears, he had a hypo ( diabetic). He went off to the kitchen to have a panic attack. Eventually he left virtually growling with anger. It was another 10 mins or so before he pulled off the drive.

I.admit I'm anxious and panicky now. Adrenelinenrush definitely. No tears just ridiculously angry. But because I'm not a dickhead I'm not letting it out where the dcs can see/hear. I think he's gone but incant relax. I want to ring women's aid but youngest dc awake and with me. What do I do. House all locked up he cant get in. But he was so angrt.

There isn't anyone local incan call. Family too far. Fabulous mate also lives away but is in comstant contact this evening. She is amazing.

You lot are wise. Wtf do I do now. I don't want him anywhere near me ever again.

I could do

OP posts:

MrsWembley · 27/03/2016 10:36

Hope you are feeling positive this morning? Remember, from here on in, things can only get better!

Happy Easter to you and your little ones

RiceCrispieTreats · 27/03/2016 10:48

It's good that you're getting these moments to see him for what he truly is.

Your anger is good. It's about the scales falling from your eyes, about shedding false optimism, and shedding the instinct to be kind in the hopes that he will be kind back. He won't.

You now need to use the energy that your anger gives you to do all sorts of practical stuff, such as getting legal and financial ducks in a row re: divorce. For example, a firm agreement about the kids. Relying on his and his parents' "niceness" wrt things like holiday weekends will NOT last very long. Get it on paper, signed and sorted.

Have you found a lawyer? They are worth their weight in gold in these cases. All the negotiations that would otherwise be emotionally heightened can just be handled by them in, a totally dispassionate and factual way. Hie thee to a solicitor!

something2say · 27/03/2016 11:29

The most important thing to do here is avoid contact.
You don't have to answer the phone or respond and if he rings on Unknown, then hang up.
If he won't stop ringing or he threatens, tell him one more call etc and you will report him.
Save the texts and messages but do not respond to them.
Re children and contact, thro a third party arrange a set schedule. Try not to have to give them to him directly. Don't let him in the home.
If he says he must come in for his belongings, arrange a time with him and then ring your local police to have them there too. Don't be in the same room as him, but maybe have a friend watching what he takes and does.
The main thing tho is that he hasn't yet changed so you are not yet safe, and you do not want to rely on him for your safety, for he will not provide it.

Original poster

RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 13:31

Just had a really chirpy text from him
I'm itching to reply

OP posts:

Griphook · 27/03/2016 13:36

What does the text say?

Original poster

RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 13:38

2 possibilities here
Either the text was meant for dd1
Or he's being nice as that's always been his way of acknowledging he's been a dick without actually apologising.
Either way, I need to stop overthinking and self medicate with chocolate.

OP posts:

Original poster

RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 13:40

Just happy Easter, hope the egg hunt went well and your not all feeling sick. Smiley and laughing faces included (hence the suspicion it was meant for dd1 as he's never really used emoticons with me.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 27/03/2016 13:41

Reeling you back in. Don't respond.

Hissy · 27/03/2016 13:41

He's hoping you " got over yourself"

Don't.

Basically.

Re-read your posts and remind yourself why he's gone.

If you let him back it will be 10x harder to get him out again.

Ignore.

Things will escalate, stay calm, keep posting, we're here for you.

Griphook · 27/03/2016 14:25

Or he's being nice as that's always been his way of acknowledging he's been a dick without actually apologising.

Classic. You have one who can't bring himself to apologise so tries to sugarcoat his actions by being nice. I once came home to a house that had been Spring cleaned after that had been a bad argument. Don't end up like me you've done the hard part

Original poster

RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 18:26

That's exactly it griphook. Spot on.

Another text. He has ordered some stuff. It's being delivered here. He'll be dropping the kids off on Sunday so can he pick the bits up then?

I want to tell him fine but he can't come in as last night was bad for everyone. Dd2 unsettled in the night and dd1 withdrawn today. I doubt there's much point though.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 27/03/2016 18:29

'No, i will drop it off at your mothers on wednesday with the kids and your other stuff. Do not have any more stuff sent here, you do not reside here any more'.

Original poster

RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 18:49

Trouble is Doreen, he doesn't reside anywhere. He's taking the kids to his parents so he can spend time with them, they don't live near us. He's having a week off work. When he's at work he's living in a hotel.

Fuck why do I feel so guilty? Well I know why, he's fucked with my head, but even though rationally I know its bollocks I can't stop feeling it. Reading Lundy Bancroft arm.

He has no friends here. We've lived here over 15 years. Says it all really doesn't it?

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 27/03/2016 19:40

Yes it does, but you need to draw the line and make it clear he is not to order things and if he does it again you will be refusing the items and or putting them in the post with 'return to sender' on it.

IT IS JUST ANOTHER WAY TO CONTROL YOU. Everything he does is another way to control you. Stop feeling sorry for him, this is his doing not yours.

Griphook · 27/03/2016 20:26

If you don't feel you can drop of at his mum's have it ready by the front door, even open the door with it in your hands so you can pass it straight over.

Will he try to use a key to get in?

Original poster

RainbowDashed · 27/03/2016 20:53

Yy all about control.

He has a key but i doubt he'll try to get in. He wont be able to if I'm in anyway, the door is kept locked with the key in.

OP posts:

Hissy · 27/03/2016 23:13

Refuse to sign for anything and refuse the delivery if poss. He has no right to control you by doing this.

something2say · 28/03/2016 13:13

This is his way of keeping his foot in your door.
Not much you can do just yet about that particular thing, but in time you must start to say no.
These are early days, one day at a time as you cut the responses right down.
He may well use the children to keep in contact. Ring or Text every day to see How they are. Pass the phone straight to them and or don't respond until he gets the message.

Brenna24 · 28/03/2016 13:33

He can have any future deliveries sent to his parents. You will either drop that one off at his Mums or bag it up on the doorstep for him. Stay strong.

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