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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why is it taking so long to heal ?

67 replies

NeckingtheNightNurse · 26/03/2016 06:57

Me and my ex split last May mutually and for months I was fine I've done so much work on myself had therapy lost weight socialised even a few dates. Then the other day this woman sent me a photo on Facebook of her and him together for no reason other than to mark her territory ? I was really upset as I had predicted in fact that this would be who he would move on to as I saw her sniffing hound him when we was together and they are old friends. Suddenly I was propelled back to the beginning of our split I haven't eaten for weeks from pure sickness and adrenaline. On top of that he actually hasn't left me alone what so ever. As an example he left a rose on my car for valentines. I haven't actively chased him but I do still love him we just argued all the time when we was together. Last week I went to the emergency dr and got prescribed beta blockers and ups my anti depressants but I can't sleep even! It's really hard as I do night shifts so sleep is important and the anxiety despite the beta blockers is so bad. I've re booked for more therapy as in aware this level of fear and anxiety just can't be normal can it ! I'm struggling quite badly here so any advice ! ANY would be so gladly receivedConfused

OP posts:
tiredofeverything · 27/03/2016 13:57

ThanksWineChocolate for us all to get through today. I'm feeling very lonely too and distraction is difficult and concentrating on the kids. All I want to do is stay in bed. No fun alone on a holiday weekend I think it brings back all the memories.

NeckingtheNightNurse · 27/03/2016 14:15

Yes I'm same as that I just want to lay in bed. I'm trying to find a good audiobook right now so I can block out external stuff and make my brain concentrate on a good book I'm not able to focus on reading which I normally love. I've already made a roast dinner and done all the house work but I just feel empty inside.

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tiredofeverything · 27/03/2016 14:37

I've caved in and texted him happy Easter Blush.
Yes I love reading but am unable to concentrate as usual. Doing the housework now this evening will be hard.

hurtandconfued2016 · 27/03/2016 16:17

I wish I knew how to get over someone😐 been nearly 3 months now and I have days where I hate him days where I love him!
I can't cut contact with him as I have a 2 year old and 4 week old.
Whilst I'm sitting missing him living him he's away playing happy couple with the ow!

NeckingtheNightNurse · 27/03/2016 18:38

It's ok tired it's a small slip up at least your aware of wanting change now and you can come on here if you feel the urge again ! I've had 3 house phone calls I've ignored from my ex this evening it helps I've switched the phone to mute and I'm listening to psycho on audiobooks

OP posts:
NeckingtheNightNurse · 27/03/2016 18:39

Sorry to hear that hurt and confused. ThanksBrew

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Kirk123 · 27/03/2016 19:42

Hi ladies , please please help me ho no contact , I have had a weepy sad day , every bank holiday I struggle not to remember the good times 😢 I have cried all day to my daughter , like was said on this thread rl people get fed up of hearing it and just want you to move on ( I too would like a fireman or any man breathing lol ) I need to go no contact and I think I will heal ??

hurtandconfued2016 · 27/03/2016 19:51

Kirk - I know how you feel! For me when it's sunny and I want to take the kids to the park or beach it kills me!! Message me if you need a chat always up for a chat might take our mind off talking to them xx

HoppingForward · 27/03/2016 19:56

Don't contact kirk stay and talk to us instead.

I've had a very lonely day but just need to keep reminding myself that most days with him were lonely even when he was here, or me waiting for him to get back from the pub.

I wish I had something more positive to write but I'm resisting the edge to email, hoping he is as lonely as I am although he probably isn't giving me a second thought.

hurtandconfued2016 · 27/03/2016 20:04

Well ladies I gave in and emailed him a picture of the kids saying happy Easter! It's my little girls first easter and first for my little boy without his dad not even an egg from him :( I hate all of this

Kirk123 · 27/03/2016 20:19

I will keep writing in here and the onwards and upwards thread , I am going to have to dig deep for my own good , why oh why is this so hard , I am divorced a year since he left me , why can't I just do no contact so I will think about him less and less. I have anger too today as he will be having a nice child free day , whilst I cook for our kids and wash sons university x3 black bin liners !!!

dilys4trevor · 27/03/2016 20:39

Hello all. I agree that bank holidays and occasions are hardest. My H had an affair and then killed himself after I kicked him out. He probably did it because OW ditched him too or because of losing his job. I very much doubt it was because of me or the kids (and clearly not a shit was given about the kids or he wouldn't have done it; benignly 'depressed' he was not. He'd fucked up and couldn't find the balls to deal with the consequences).

I hate him but am sad that he threw away our relationship and marriage in the first place. Today should have been a family day. Then again, as others have said, I also know he would have been crap today. He was a shit family man and clearly didn't want the family life he had. I am sad though that this has happened to us. And really embarrassed, to be honest. No one else I know seemed to have chosen such a complete loser. Why me? I'm not a fool and am a proper cynic! How did I not see he was a tosser and a fruitcake to boot.

HoppingForward · 27/03/2016 21:26

It's important to hold on to remembering they were useless tossers when here.

Sorry to read that though dillys that must be extra tough.

Who mentioned Tinder? I've joined and will hold you responsible for ever more I have a match! Can some one remind me how to hold a conversation with a male over the age of 12 please??

NeckingtheNightNurse · 27/03/2016 21:34

Oh my gosh that's awful Dily ThanksI can't imagine how shit that must be for you. It was I who said about tinder ! As I said there are a lot of creeps to get through but I've had one normal date so far and another set up. Just watch out for red flags early on I guess this time ! X

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HoppingForward · 27/03/2016 22:03

We are talking about films....

I've just changed my very first spot light bulb Smile all whilst DD3 is still up (8) helpfully reminding me that daddy always changed the light bulbs, so glad I managed to do it although I didn't figure out the metal ring thing so I hid it from her

He fills her head with such bullshit, how lonely he is, how it's all my fault. It was DV and my escape plan took nearly 3 years to complete resulting in the DC and I staying in the family home, for now.

Angry
tiredofeverything · 27/03/2016 22:11

I'm sorry for your pain dilly Thanks

amarmai · 28/03/2016 00:22

can you pretend to congratulate this woman and enlist her help to get your ex to leave you alone? Bet she wd really like to help you with this problem!

tiredofeverything · 28/03/2016 21:05

Struggling this evening Sad how's everyone else doing?

hurtandconfued2016 · 28/03/2016 21:29

Pretty crap :( another lonely day with no reply from him about seeing the kids on Friday :(

HoppingForward · 28/03/2016 21:31

Not great here today either. We spoke face to face today for the first time in 8 weeks.

8 weeks of not seeing someone you once loved and was married to for 15 years was hard going. If only he would get some help for his selfish ways... It feels like such a waste of my life. I'm struggling to cope with 3 DC on my own, school holidays and work, not that I've told him that.

Sad
tiredofeverything · 28/03/2016 21:44

Hopping I don't think that there is any help for selfish men it seems to be part of how they are wired.
It must have been painful seeing him today. I understand your struggle with the kids. I feel bad that I've been here all day but not really present, too busy pinning for his drip drip contact.

tiredofeverything · 28/03/2016 21:46

Hurt don't be left hanging about contact arrangements it's all about control for them. If he hasn't confirm your a decent time (midweek imo) make your own plans.

CocktailQueen · 28/03/2016 22:01

Op, delete and block your ex! You split up in May, he has a new woman, so wtf is he doing ringing you all the time and contacting you? The wankbadger.

Seriously - you said the relationship was abusive from the start. You'd made great progress after you split up. Keep being strong - delete, block, move on from this tosspot.

hurtandconfued2016 · 28/03/2016 22:16

Tired we have days and times organised it's just I have a 4 week old baby and said he couldn't see her without me being there (he didn't ask to see her for 2 weeks and only seen her for 2 hrs since!) So don't feel comfortable with him having her just yet.
So originally I said I would go to his parents house and let him spend as much time with the kids but decided I need to not see him at all so instead meeting at the local shopping centre where he could take them for something to eat and I could have a coffee elsewhere means I don't have to see the way he looks at me with hatred and not speak 2 words to me! But no reply at all

Kirk123 · 28/03/2016 22:23

I have hit a brick wall again , so so tired , all emotional stuff in my head . I have done 2 days no contact 🎉 I need to continue , as this is his only way now of control over me. I am going to dig deeper xxxx

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