Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish the ground would swallow me up

36 replies

slimochuda · 25/03/2016 06:14

Am male age late 30s. I post here from time to time but I know it isn't really a place for me. I'm struggling with being unsettled where I live so I write her in search of emotional warmth which is absent from RL.
I have a casual acquaintance who I enjoy spending time with. She lives not far away and we get the same train to work. I have been having counselling for low self esteem. It's stupid as I have many good things in my life. I am very shy when it comes to romantic relationships. I thought there may have been a spark between train lady and myself so against all my instincts I asked her out yesterday over a coffee. She politely but firmly declined, I said "ok" and that was that. Except it wasn't. I am so terribly embarassed and feel a total idiot. I feel like everyone in our neighbourhood knows (although this is irrational) and are sitting there laughing at me.If I told my friends how I feel they would laugh too. I know the problem is my reaction to rejection but I just can't help it. I also feel bad if I made her feel uncomfortable as it isn't easy rejecting someone either and I put her in a position where she had to do that.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 25/03/2016 06:37

Think of it another way.... Nothing ventured nothing gained. Instead of kicking yourself, give yourself a pat on the back and remember you should only regret what you don't do and at least you tried. Despite not accepting your offer for whatever her reasons (which you may not be aware of) the fact that you asked her may have made her day.

Well done for having the balls to ask her and do it again with the next lady you like because she may well say yes.

ihatethecold · 25/03/2016 06:46

Absolutely agree with the above poster.
You haven't done anything that you should feel embarrassed about.
You weren't pushy at all.
It's really ok.

tribpot · 25/03/2016 06:47

Did you discuss asking this woman out with your counsellor? I think that would have been a good idea, although I would guess that your counsellor would have said to go for it, but be prepared for the answer to be no and have a strategy to cope with it.

Anyone would feel a little embarrassed in your shoes, I think that's normal. And I appreciate with your low self esteem this will have been a real blow. The key thing now is to act completely normal when you next see her. She is probably upset that she's hurt your feelings by saying no, but really - how would you ever have known if the relationship could have developed if you hadn't have taken this risk? She prefers just to be friends, that's fine, you just need to move past it.

Try not to dwell on it over the long weekend, will you see her on the train on Tuesday morning? Practice the "I'm breezy!" response of

Original poster
slimochuda · 25/03/2016 06:51

the fact that you asked her may have made her day.
Donkey this is what I am clinging onto. Weird though it sounds this felt like one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. She did not seem traumatised by my idiotic statement. I on the other hand have been walking around like a condemned man feeling like I have a label on my head like faulty clothing saying "reject" . I hope she hasn't told anyone though. I have some neighbours coming around for tea Sunday and I'd be so embarrassed if they found out.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 25/03/2016 06:52

You did the right thing. You did a brave thing. Give yourself credit for that!

You asked her out and she said no, which was always one of the possible outcomes. Her "no" doesn't say anything about you. It just says that she doesn't want what you want.

You are still a wonderful and lovable person. Just not the person that this particular woman wants to date, and that's OK.

Belikethatthen · 25/03/2016 06:53

It happens. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you asked casually and respectfully. Next time you see her just act normally and she will be relieved nothing has changed. Honestly no one would ever think any less of you even if they knew.

RiceCrispieTreats · 25/03/2016 06:58

It really doesn't matter what others think.

And if your neighbours did know, to be honest, it would just be something to shrug about. People ask each other out all the time! Some say yes, some say no. Its just the way of things and everyone knows it; no one would think badly of you for it.

Speak to your therapist about your reaction to this rejection: it is really a very heightened reaction, and there are things there worth examining for you.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/03/2016 06:59

She may well have a bf. Don't beat yourself up risks are necessary in life - nothing ventured nothing gained!

Belikethatthen · 25/03/2016 06:59

How would your neighbours ever find out? Does she know them? Are you worrying unnecessarily about that?

groovergirl · 25/03/2016 07:00

All of the above, and remember -- some of us women change our minds. I have sometimes politely declined an invitation only to think, a few weeks later, "Actually, now that I've been around him a bit more, I do like him and would like to go out with him." (Then, of course, it's been up to me to get past the fear of rejection and looking like an idiot!)
I suspect it would help you to join a few groups and aim to make more friends in general, as the more people you're connected with, the more likely you will meet someone tasty. What do you like? Playing sport, hiking, walking your dog, collecting art? There are heaps of opportunities to meet people. I definitely recommend dancing, pref ballroom or Latin. We always need more boys! And a dance studio is a pleasant atmosphere for chat and casual socialising.

Original poster
slimochuda · 25/03/2016 07:02

Rice that made me feel better thanks for posting it. I have someone coming around to give me personal training in a little while so hopefully that will help me focus. Thing is, I have developed this kind of "safe, non predatory, possibly gay ( I'm not) " reputation due to never being with anyone and not being especially macho. I feel good when women say they feel comfortable around me, so anything that maybe risks that like asking someone feels like absolute torture. I 100% respect her "no thanks" and will dig very deep inside myself to find the maturity to be normal ish with her on the train. No way do I want her to feel bad it is every person's prerogative to say yes or no.

OP posts:
BettyBi0 · 25/03/2016 07:10

Everyone feels uncomfortable and stung by the pain of rejections. They key thing is how you bounce back from it. Worrying that your neighbours will find out is verging on paranoia and not helping you at all.

Try to be as normal as possible next time you see her with an "oh well, it was worth a try" type shrug. Practise keeping a gentle smile as your default resting face and maybe try some positive affirmations or meditations on sending out positive vibes.

liinyo · 25/03/2016 07:12

I agree with groovergirl, I initially declined my DH and then regretted it. I was very happy when our paths crossed again and I was able to ask if I could change my mind.

Even if that doesn't happen, please don't read too much into this. She might already be in a relationship or she may be gay or she might just not fancy you. Whatever reason she had it was still a nice, brave thing you did and I am sure it gave her a little ego boost. Just smile and nod when you see her again and I am sure it will all blow over.

Keep on plugging away with the counselling. Get out and about and ask out women you find attractive. Maybe try online dating - if that girl wasn't the right match someone else will be.

Diamogs · 25/03/2016 07:12

OP you sound like a lovely sensitive person. It took guts to ask her out but she will far more appreciate you continuing to be friends than have you avoiding her.

wavingnow · 25/03/2016 07:34

I just wanted to say I would repeat all of the above just to reassure you. I

too once said no thanks to someone, years ago now, but only because I was so surprised and that kind of thing was only ever played out in my head. Eventually I was able to get over feeling bad about saying no when I'd exhausted over-thinking it. Fast forward a few years and at 33 I managed to accept a coffee invite and while that one fizzled out in a few months I soon after met someone else and we've been together ever since. If that first invite out hadn't been rejected I might never have found the one, so in the same way your first rejection will hopefully let you see that you can do this and the next time may get easier. So, next time you want to ask someone, do.

Original poster
slimochuda · 25/03/2016 07:41

Thank you all.
I read my posts back and they come across pretty insecure and self-pitying which I regret. It is just so hard for me to get over the thought that I am committing some of emotional crime letting someone know I like them and they will get angry or something.
BTW I am obviously neither a mother not a parent but am trying to be a good uncle to my 1 year old nephew whom I adore. He teaches me about unconditional love every time he smiles at me. Anyway I hope you don't mind if I post here sometimes. The uncle thing is kind of my way of justifying it, to myself at least.

OP posts:
Diamogs · 25/03/2016 07:47

No need to justify your presence on here, just post away Smile

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 25/03/2016 08:44

Have a manly hug, and a reassurance. You did fine, you're doing fine, you will do better.

As for being male, the vipers are good folks as long you're not an arse. Just don't post in Sex because that's Wrong.

Backtoblackcoffee · 25/03/2016 18:04

The fact that you have a thoughtful conscious is a good sign and I'm sure you will find someone lovely soon.

Arfarfanarf · 25/03/2016 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleleftie · 25/03/2016 18:17

I agree with PP I bet you made her day or even her week.

Any time you ask someone out there is a chance they will decline, and it may be for reasons that you couldn't possibly guess at that have nothing to do with you personally.

See it as a positive thing. You were brave. You took a chance. You survived (just) and so you can do it again - maybe not straight away. Lots of people would never have been brave enough to ask, so you should be praising yourself rather than feeling awful.

If anyone mentions it, just give them the hard stare and a shrug.

Friendlystories · 25/03/2016 18:23

You don't sound self pitying, you do sound insecure but that's nothing to be ashamed of and something you can change with time and effort. I think most women would prefer someone a little unsure of themselves to someone arrogant anyway, you just need to get to the point where you're ok with who you are. You're welcome here as far as I'm concerned and I hope you feel a little better about asking your friend out now, being brave and adopting a 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' attitude gives you a much better chance of meeting someone nice than letting fear hold you back and you sound like you deserve someone nice.

mithy · 25/03/2016 18:36

It's lovely when thoughtful men post, restores my faith a bit.

VulcanWoman · 25/03/2016 18:59

You sound like a kind an decent person, a deep thinker.
I over think myself, which annoys me sometimes but feel this also opens things up to have a richer experience when things are good. Best wishes.

Backtoblackcoffee · 25/03/2016 19:33

Another over thinker here Grin