I wish the ground would swallow me up

[slimochuda]

Am male age late 30s. I post here from time to time but I know it isn't really a place for me. I'm struggling with being unsettled where I live so I write her in search of emotional warmth which is absent from RL.
I have a casual acquaintance who I enjoy spending time with. She lives not far away and we get the same train to work. I have been having counselling for low self esteem. It's stupid as I have many good things in my life. I am very shy when it comes to romantic relationships. I thought there may have been a spark between train lady and myself so against all my instincts I asked her out yesterday over a coffee. She politely but firmly declined, I said "ok" and that was that. Except it wasn't. I am so terribly embarassed and feel a total idiot. I feel like everyone in our neighbourhood knows (although this is irrational) and are sitting there laughing at me.If I told my friends how I feel they would laugh too. I know the problem is my reaction to rejection but I just can't help it. I also feel bad if I made her feel uncomfortable as it isn't easy rejecting someone either and I put her in a position where she had to do that.

Even the most confident struggle with this, so give yourself a break! You did good to ask her - blardy well done

It's a compliment to be asked out. You paid her a compliment.

You're welcome here. Many post who aren't parents /uncles/aunts etc. You, my friend, are MORE than welcome bcs you sound fab

Hey Slim, keep up the fitness training, because a reticent, slightly unsure-of-himself man in a fit, sexy body is, shall we say, a godly gift to womankind. You might not have to do the pursuing, after all. Wouldn't that be nice?

As for that insanely cute nephew -- USE HIM. There is no man alive who does not look better with an adorable toddler in tow. Give his parents a break, take him out and about, to parks and art museums and on trains, and you'll soon be in conversation with all kinds of people, especially women.

Sample conversation:

"OMG, your son is so damn cute!"
"Thanks. Actually, he's my nephew, but I like to practise with him for when I have my own kids."
"Oh, that is so lovely. So, are you trying for a child with your partner?"
"No, I'm single, but I hope to have a family one day."

Woman thinks: He is gorgeous -- and the baby nephew's not bad, either!

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful, kind person.
Someone saying 'thanks but no thanks' hurts and would hurt anyone - i.e. it's not irrational to feel hurt. There's no label on your head though and no evidence to suggest anyone else (neighbours etc) know about this - but also, come to that, no evidence to indicate that even if people did know, they wouldn't identify/empathise as we have all at one time or another been in that situation in whatever form (hope that makes sense?).
As others have said, no need to justify yourself. Be pleasant and breezy with this lady when you see her again and remember you have done nothing wrong at all! It might be helpful to remember that at the moment your thinking processes seem geared towards finding fault in yourself, but it doesn't have to be this way - feelings aren't facts, etc. Please carry on your work with your counsellor and have compassion for yourself the way you clearly have for others. (If you think about it, it makes NO SENSE not to have compassion for yourself when you have compassion for others. In fact it's essential. So write that down somewhere and look at it from time to time).
Also, if you find that you relive certain moments in your mind (such as asking the lady out), I know this might sound bonkers but try imagining it with some crazy change, such as her voice being the voice of Kermit the Frog or something. Can take some of the sting out of reliving tricky moments.
Don't dishearten. As I said you, you sound lovely.

I'm married to the man who turned me down when I asked him out! Not to give you false hope or anything, but I remember so clearly how humiliated and small I felt; I avoided him for at least a year afterwards. In the end it turned out he'd been in the initial stages of seeing someone else, but they eventually split up and then the story of how we eventually got together is quite long and I won't bore you with it, except to say it was prolonged by my not wanting to get hurt again. Anyway that was 16 years ago and we are still very happy.

Even if it is an absolute 'no', not a 'not now', it doesn't reflect on you. I think it shows real assertiveness to put yourself on the line like that, and that in itself is an attractive quality. No-one would be laughing at you. I suppose it could feel a bit awkward with train lady for a bit, but her reaction suggest it probably won't be, just take your cue from her and carry on like nothing happened.

I asked someone this week he turned me down. I did it over the phone. I then had to see him about 30 minutes after the call ( he's involved in a sport my dd does). I've a few days of feeling a bit down but life is too short. It's done now I can't take it back.

I agree with groover of course take your nephew out (even better if you or they have a dog and chat away take him to parks, cafes etc. People talk to you him etc. And even if not romantic but more friendly it gets you out there socially with others.

You know, every so often a poster puts up a thread asking if there are any decent men out there. I think they should be auto-directed to this thread as proof op.

Now for you, think of it this way - you did it. You went out on a limb - the response was not good (as in not what you wanted it sounds like she's been perfectly nice about it) and you survived! One of the things I'm sure you dreaded happened and you got through it!

How strong is that?

Honestly, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You put yourself out there, well done you!

Her rejection is absolutely not a reflection on you, she could be seeing someone, she could have just come out of a messy relationship, hell she could be gay! She will be nothing but flattered that you asked her out, hold your head high and be proud of yourself. You felt the fear and did it anyway, it didn't work out this time but we all suffer our fair share of rejection before we meet that special someone.

I only just logged back in here. I'm really very touched at so many lovely kindhearted messages among practical advice. I am mainly doing the fitness thing to combat depression and give me some more confidence. I am not overweight or very ugly but neither am I likely to inspire lustful glances from anyone with normal eyesight.
People do tend to make assumptions re my sexuality iyswim & I almost feel I am letting them down or risking seeming predatory if I correct that. I didn't really develop emotionally in my 20s for various reasons and still somehow think a woman will tell me to "eff off" or get angry or say something hurtful if I let my feelings be known. I know this is flawed thinking but I am just trying to reprogramme myself and it's awfully tough. But nowhere near as tough as for some of the people whose stories I read on here. A real eye opener and should be compulsory reading for all young people so they don't become the gobshites of the future.

I think that you're saying that you are a fairly average man, who doesn't come across as very macho, perhaps more sensitive than many, so it's sometimes assumed that you're gay.

You sound exactly what many women, including me, go for in a man. You just picked the wrong one to ask out, her loss.

I have known lots of nice but insecure men who don't look bad but find it hard to meet partners. Just the same for women I suppose.