Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Emma :o

My uterus is all over the place. I cannot lie :o

I'm going to try sulking at dh tonight to see if I can get him to do whatever I fancy. I suspect his response will be, "What the fuck are you doing, Chris? Have you lost your mind?"

Oh no. Hang on a minute. I won't do that, because I'm not three and I love and respect my husband.

To be honest, I'm a lesbian & I wouldn't be able to tolerate a unilateral & forced decision of celibacy thrust upon me in a relationship. I think these scenarios on mumsnet often do follow gender stereotypes & putting myself in his shoes, I'd be unhappy too; probably terminally so.

Pushing, who is celibate? Have you read the thread?

I don't see anything rude or offensive in my comments. Nor did I read all the over 100 posts either. I chimed in under the impression the OP wants to save her relationship. I never said I condoned husbands reaction. Yes i'm male i commented here because there clearly wasn't any male perspective here. There is clearly no consideration to her husbands feeling in this matter by a good many of the female posters here. I thought the OP might want to try to understand what might be going on in his head. A diminished sex life is common in long term relationships and women can suffer Postpartum depression after having children . OP might have this and not realize it. It could explain her complete lack in desire for sex and anger at her husband for wanting it.There are many forums where women 2 years after seperation they have regret

Dumb, you could at least have had the decency of reading all the op's posts. I suggest you do.

If you didn't read all the comments, how on earth do you know how many men have responded? What a peculiar post.

Many many women 2 years after separation from an adult who is unable to respect her, are full of joy and having wonderful sex with someone who sees her as more than a vagina :)

Gosh that's awful grammar in my final paragraph. But you get the gist.

Well the only I would say to people who say 'well if I was in a position of enforced celibacy I would leave' is:
I hope you will never have any health problem that will impact on how often you have sex.

And I really really hope that if you do, your partner will have the decency to NOT pester you for sex.

dumb the issue has nothing to do with a male or a female perspective. It is just NOT acceptable to pressurize someone to have sex. It doesn't matter if they are male, female or whatever.
Besides, if, as you say, a diminished sex life is common then surely a ot of men are managing to live a happy life despite having sex less often than before/less often than they would. So maybe it's OP's DH that should have a look at that and wonder why these men aren't behaving as craply as he is.

oops wasn't finished with post. anyway they have regret because they know now after therapy they blamed their ex husband for something that wasn't his fault. Her husband may be reacting badly to being rejected. But men don't articulate their feelings as well as a woman would and he's been rejected repeatedly for a extended amount of time. their relationship is in dire straights. they need couples therapy. OP may need Individual counseling as well heck even her husband too. couples therapy wont help with and individuals depression though.

some of you are posting while i am typing mine so i don't get to see what you said and things wind up out of sink. is he groping her every night? And it also happens in men after having children that they are the ones who have a diminished sex drive and the wife is the sexually frustrated one. Their marriage seem to be at rock bottom at this point and neither of them seem to be communicating their feeling to each other. Their both withdrawing away from each other and sulking and letting their egos stop them from really talking to each other. I did see enough posts demonizing him.

Dumb you have a very low opinion of men. You make a lot of assumptions about the op, and somehow none about his appalling behaviour.

How odd.

If this is how you behave in your relationships, dumb, I strongly recommend you get some therapy. Sulking to pressure someone into a sexual act is not ok.

Everyone has the choice to leave a relationship they're not happy in. No one has the right to pressurise anyone into sex.

It really is that simple. Normal men don't do that. If you do, then please seek help and don't have a relationship until you've dealt with your issues.

Dumb, how often is it ok to grope someone against their wishes? Once a week? Once a month? Is it only an issue if it's every night?

I know my dh would never go against my wishes. Not once.

You have a very odd idea of normal boundaries in a healthy relationship.

Is OP under constant barrage to have sex or does just it feel that way? He is reacting very badly I am not justifying it. I do have a low opinion of men I am one.

I'm not sure whether I'm finding dumb's posts extremely patronising or just downright goady as fuck.

yeah but your not recoiling from your husbands touch. Their marriage is in trouble. their both in pain. If she wants to save her marriage they both need help. If OP doesn't then its time to hang it up.

dumb there is nothing new about people having iussues with communications.

However I REFUSE to accept that somehow men are not good at articulating feelings and oh poor man is being rejected!

Well sorry but if he isn't good at communicating his feelings, he should learn. I'm not sure why we should expect his wife to make all the work to compensate for his issues.
And if he is feeling rejected, well he needs to learn to communicate (that word again) and to listen to what his wife is saying (ie if she can't bear being touched again because she has had one or two dcs climbing on her all day, then the answer is NOT to pressurize her to get what he wants, it should be for him to hear that she is struggling and to find a solution with her so that she isn't as o]overwhelmed/tired ec... And in the process, surprise!!, she will also be much more in the modd for sex).

The issue here is more about him not being able to show compassion and to be able to put himself in her shoes (probably because he never has had to be the sole carer for the dcs for more than an hour)

And yes yes she should be listening too. But, unless she was using sex as a weapon, I'm not sure what she is supposed to do. Have sex just because it's soooo hard for him?

This thread isn't supposed to be about me.

You will be recoiling from your husband touch if he has been pressurising you so much that the mere idea of him touching you is looking like the most awful thing ever.
Which is what happens when you force people to do things they don't want to do, touch them when it's unwanted, constantlky make adavnce for sex, complain about lack of sex so you know a cuddle can't be just a cuddle it will lead to sex etc etc (Talking from experience there btw)

Goady Fucker, for sure.

just relenting and having sex with her husband without wanting it too in order to get him off her back isn't good and isn't going to help. Its not the sex itself its the feeling of not being wanted that's fueling him. OP herself said he's helpful with the kids and around the house. He needs to back off and she needs to figure out why she feels that way. counseling will help that but couples refuse that till there far too much damage done to the relationship.

I know the politically correct thing expected is back down when a woman is beating her chest and putting a man in her place. I'm not the one being insulting and the one swearing around here. A cuddle isn't a cuddle it will lead to sex? He's awful for even that? OP seek counseling for your own sake not your husband's or your marriage. You may not be able to convince your husband to do couples therapy or save this marriage but can at least seek help to heal yourself. good luck to you and deserve to be happy.

Why on earth are you banging on about political correctness? no one cares that you have a penis, other than the fact that you think it gives you right to speak negatively about all men. Which it doesn't. You can only give your opinion.

I don't agree with your opinion. Do I think you should back down because it's politically correct? No. I think you should consider why you have such a negative view and low expectations of men. Perhaps that's something you need to work on in counselling. I like men. I think they're nice. I think individuals on the other hand, can have issues and treat people badly.

When I see that being treated as "normal" or "oh men just need sex/can't communicate" then it's a problem.

I think the OP's h is communicating his feelings pretty well - the OP doesn't seem to have any problem understanding what he wants and how he feels when he doesn't get it. What he isn't doing is listening to or attempting to understand the OP's feelings

so she should not try individual counseling? Or go to couples therapy? I was trying to give insight to what her husband may be feeling in this difficult time in their marriage because there seems to be a large effort to dehumanize him here. i've been reacting to everyone reacting to my posts and now there's 7 pages to this thread

I don't give a fuck about how her husband is feeling quite frankly. NOTHING gives him the right to act the way he is, do you understand that?

ChubbyPolecat, caring about the other partners feelings is non negotiable in a relationship. Different sex drives doesn't mean that any partner is in the wrong, it just means their sex drives may be incompatible and they BOTH have a responsibility to try and resolve that problem. You can't say the man should just put up with having less sex, or the woman should have sex when she doesn't want to, that would be putting a joint burden onto one person.