Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

dizzy so what you are saying is that when you are apart for 2 months, you are fine with no sex. But when you are together, it's not.

You do realise it's not an issue with sexual needs (otherwise you would get twichy when he isn't there) but one of expectation (I expect to have sex when DH is here).

Again fwiw, having experienced grumpy DH because of no sex due to to small children and how awful it was for him.
We are now experiencing little sex because my health.

And very inetrestingly, DH isn't that grumpy or annoyed. Becaus he knows he can't expect that from me whereas he thought he could expect that when the dcs were small (and I was battling with PND, isolation and no support from him as he was away most of the time).

Maybe if we were to stop expecting sex and in particular, if men were not expecting sex 'just because they are married', we would get more respect for the other person and avoid quite a lot of problems.

Key I would suggest that the OP's DH, if he has such a high sex drive, use masturbating and go an investigate sex toys.
Why should it be on the the OP, the woman, who should do all the leg work? After all he is the one who has a problem, not the OP. Why is it only HER responsibility?

well, when ive been single and wanted sex,ive gone out and looked for it. it was much much easier than when I was in a sexless marriage.

Id be really devastated if something happened that meant we couldnt have sex again, and I think it would be really tough on the relationship , but thats massively different to just going off your partner sexually because youve stopped prioritising intimacy in favour of pretty much everything else going on in your life.

I mean, I know people go off sex, as i already said, i was in a practically sexless marriage for about 8 years and it was hellish. I didnt cheat. In hindsight i should have just broken it off because it never got any better and I just felt worse and worse. I think knowing how shit it is from the other side obviously affects my views.
Ive also had periods when on antidepressants when i didnt desire sex very much at all, and although I didnt want sex, I really missed the intimacy and feeling that desire that I couldnt muster up. I ended up coming off those antidepressants and finding ones without that side effect because sex is massively important for most people. Its a drive, like having babies and eating good food. Noones entitled to have it but its an agreement you make with someone that you want to be their sexual partner.

If both people are happy with the lack of sex, then thats fine. Im sure it happens to most of us eventually that we go off it when we get old, but to do so prematurely, is not easy or good, and needs working on if the other isnt happy.

It may be coercive/bad to say look after your partner or someone else will, but we all know thats the risk

"Women, service your man or he will look elsewhere"

HapShawl, would you disagree that this is a common occurrence? It's unfair to assume that every guy will cheat if you sexually deprive them (for whatever reason), but it's equally unfair to assume that a guy should just suck it up if he can't connect sexually with his partner.

women, dont ask for monogamy if you dont even fancy your partner that much!

I think some people who have been in soul-crushing sexless marriages are projecting a bit here. I don't think three weeks without sex is a sexless marriage - it might be a longer gap than usual, or a "dry spell", and there might be good reasons for it (as there clearly are in this case). It sounds like many people on this thread would be unhappy without more frequent sex, which is fair enough. But as I've said before and I'll say again, if the OP's husband is unhappy he needs to talk to her like an adult rather than sulking and demanding sex like a child.

Also, it's not a question of two choices: cheat or suck it up!

The OP does fancy her partner!

It is hugely problematic to expect access to another human's body for your own gratification. Not having sex is far far better than having sex you don't want (often known as rape). If you cannot control your behaviour towards a partner who refuses you access to their body then you need to seek help. If your own mental health suffers to an extreme degree through lack of access to another human being's body you need to seek help. No one is entitled to access to another person's body for whatever reason.

IdealWeather that's a fair judgement, but my biggest point here is that they are a couple.

It's not just about OP or just about OPs OH. Sex is something we do to connect as a couple, not just for reproduction. They are in a relationship, and you both need to participate to keep it balanced. It will help him to connect with her and it's keeping her involved without pressuring her into having sex.

What if he feels guilty looking at porn, late at night on his own? What if he feels guilty spending money on something just for him to feel less sexually frustrated? What if she hates the thought of him pleasing himself to another woman on a porn site?

Sorting it together helps to clear up those grey areas, they are in it together.

Well isn't this thread just delightful.

According to sunshinesummer the OP is driving her DH to having an affair. Of course it's all her fault for just not putting out enough and massaging his ego by showing how much she wants him. How could he possibly control himself if he got an opportunity for some sex??

If that is what he is like then he is an arse. You don't have an affair because you are an unhappy. You talk about it, and if there is no resolution you are both content with you leave.

(Oh and I'm a MAN so please listen to my penile wisdom.)

Btw I do understand that it must be miserable to be in a "sexless" relationship (though I would dispute

He is only thinking about his own needs and not how you feel and what your needs are. I hope you two can talk this through and he can stop being so self centred

its not about coercing someone. Its about looking at ways to improve the relationship. Thats if you want it to last and arent just taking it for granted

NC for this. I would get thee hence to sex therapy. My DH was never that unreasonable but we had a similar problem starting from the time my DS was the same age as yours. He's now 11.

What started as mild grumpiness the following morning (after me saying no IYSWIM) ended up with him not asking at all, so it was up to me to initiate, and eventually he started to withdraw further and further physically, and eventually refused everything. Now this took nearly ten years but that's what happened.

We got along fine in every other respect throughout all this, great kids, nice life etc. We're now in sex therapy, and I'm so sorry we didn't try earlier. Have no idea where it will end up, or even what I want from it, but it's a long time to lose.

It is hugely problematic to expect access to another human's body for your own gratification

Actually, I do expect my DH to want to have sex with me. We took vows such as "to have and to hold" and "foresaking all others". If my advances were repeatedly rejected, I would be upset.

According to sunshinesummer the OP is driving her DH to having an affair

Actually, the Op's husband has already mentioned that he is so sexually frustrated, that he is thinking of having an affair. I would not condone him doing that, obviously. I just think that if they can't reach a compromise, that this could well happen in the end (as he has hinted), and that would be far harder to deal with, than the current situation.

I can't see why half an hour a week, can't be reserved for intimacy. It's not a lot of time and this whole situation would be improved dramatically. If she can't face half an hour a week connecting with him, then maybe there is a bigger problem.

Branleuse - he's not an arsehole for wanting sex. He's an arsehole for sulking

its all communication.

Hes being pretty damn clear that hes not ok with it and that its threatening the relationship.

Use that information as you will.

Theres not much point crossing your arms and saying I WONT BE MOVED,

I guess he could put up with it and then one day have had enough and she could be crying that she had no idea he was so unhappy.

Neither OP or her husband sound like the worlds best communicators

I find myself withdrawing following constant rejection. I'm sure others may view this as sulking, its a coping mechanism for me. I guess its subjective.

NCtherapy, I'm 8 years into your timeline, not sure where things will end up either!

You do realise it's not an issue with sexual needs (otherwise you would get twichy when he isn't there) but one of expectation (I expect to have sex when DH is here).

No I don't agree. I think it is about proximity. When he isn't here we don't have a proper relationship, we can't smell and touch each other, we don't share activities like cooking, eating and sleeping. We don't talk for hours or share tit bits about our day. All these things make us want to spend sexual time together. When we don't have these things we don't have a proper connection and no feeling of togetherness so we naturally don't feel lost if one part of that connection is not there.

Despite the fact that we email, skype and call each other everyday. It is not the same thing and the reason why a lot of long distance relationships usually fail.
The difference is that we know we can re-connect, we always have. But reconnection needs to be mutual. When people are together and disconnected then the reconnection is often harder because the reason for the disconnection is not as simple as just "being away" it is unknown or sometimes hidden, it can be loss of attraction or love, which is much harder to fix.

OP, by "sulking" do you mean "acts hurt and upset that his DW hardly ever wants to be intimate with him"? Because that's quite a reasonable reaction to being sexually rejected constantly by your life partner.

No, by sulking she means sulking. See all the examples she gave.

Looks like "hurt and upset" to me.

Sodizzy in your books, if your DH was suddenly ill and couldn't have sex with you that often, there is no way you would be able to stop yourself from wanting to have sex and you would coerce him into it, for example by saying that it's a deal breaker and its either him having sex with you or you leaving?
All that because he is close to you so you really can't help yourself?

Branleuse - he's not an arsehole for wanting sex. He's an arsehole for sulking

I'd just like to take a moment to point out that, although OPs OHs sulking can be seen as arseholeish:

"He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull"

Deliberately causing an argument after he has put effort in to making a nice meal and trying to be romantic. Is that not equally arseholeish?

They are both as bad as each other in that respect.