Where do I begin, I've just about had enough! (sad)

[Longlegs1972]

Hi everyone, I've posted from time to time but mostly I just take what advice/snippets I can from other threads. Now however, I need some advice from others who have children/jobs/relationships/depression you name it. Where to start... well, in a nutshell I have the most adorable baby boy, he's 15months old and the biggest miracle of all. My partner I had been with a year when I fell pregnant, he wasn't overjoyed about it but towards the end seemed to get on with it. About 4 weeks before I gave birth we bought a house together (My mums and she bought my flat) and settled in. He is great with DS, so long as DS isn't beging awkward or grumpy or not feeling well etc. However, he just doesn't communicate with me at all. We do not have any sex life anymore, think we have had 'sex' 3 times since DS was born, on the last occassion which I had initiated again, he failed to 'keep it up'. I feel completely unattractive, unloved and unwanted by him. I have treid to have this conversation with him, to see what is wrong, we dont cuddle, kiss...nothing. We barely talk, he is emotionally retarded and I have now resorted to sending him an email to try another approach. That was 3 days ago and he still hasn't mentioned anything about it. Over Xmas his mother came to stay (he is an only child)and one thing and another we had a bit of a scene, not shouting or anything but I was really tearful over something he wouldn't say and I ended up telling his mother exactly how I felt. I dont really know her very well, I've only met her 3 or 4 times and the first time was 3 weeks before DS was born. ANyway she has also talked to him to talk to me and nothing. WTF am I supposed to do. I am totally at my wits end, WTF is wrong with him????? Is he looking for me to end the relationship as he is too cowardly to do it himself? The only time he has ever said anything when questioned by me as to whether he was happy or not, his response was 'I'm not having as much fun as I thought I would be'. Nice eh!!!!! I am so depressed by this, we have had a totally shit year prior to this year, death, stroke, redundancy, cancer, stroke again, you name it. But we are still healthy, DS is healthy, but, oh I just don't know. Am I losing it? I work full time, have a horse that I barely see cos there is no hours in the day! He is self employed - god knows how business is cos he doesn't talk to me about it! DS is in nursery full time. My mother is a god send, but she is also totally fed up of his behaviour, oh god there is just too much to say in one post. Man I am just ranting on and on.... Sorry

If anyone wants to listen to me, advise, help ME!!!!!!! Please, I'd be really grateful x

Longlegs, you must be exhausted!
You have so much responsibility, and clearly feel that you have little support from your partner.
Could you arrange for someone to look after your DS whilst the two of you go out for some time together? Perhaps for a meal, or even for a walk around the park.
I think relationships are complex anyway, but things are often made more difficult when other people get involved. Perhaps if the two of you get some time together, with no-one else around, you might be able to start communicating about how you both feel?

You really have to confront him and make him listen to you, which isnt easy but but better to know how he feels than muddling along being unhappy. Tell him that whatever he is feeling you want to know, which may not be what you want to hear, but then you can tell him how you feel. Maybe he feels jealous of the baby taking up your time, some men do, and maybe if your wonderful mum could babysit and you could have an evening out. Good luck

My mother is great and often offers to take DS for a night so we can go out or for a few hours during the weekend so we can have time on our own but he is reluctant to plan to do anything. We recently went out and had a lovely meal with some friends of mine(he has no friends, and I mean NO friends round here or anywhere that I can think of, in the 3 years that we have been together he has NEVER introduced me to a friend of his)it was lovely to be out but he doesn't hold my hand, kiss me, nothing its like we are 2 people that live together and bring up a child. Its totally shit.

oh, this does sound all in a muddle.

the first thing that strikes me is that he needs to talk to you, and you both need a serious talk about where things are, and where they are headed. you have obviously tried to do that, sending him an email i think was a good way to approach him, if you asking him outright hasnt worked.

men IMO are very odd.my dp says things like that to me about his happiness in our relationship, but i later find out its either work or something about his ds (that doesnt live with us) that is really bothering him.

and no, i dont think you are losing it hunny.i just think you have alot on your plate and no obvious support from your dp.

do you think maybe he has some sort of depression? you said he owns a business-maybe something wrong with that/businesses finance?that can be very stressful.

this would also fit in with his lack of sexual interest,and what happened last time you had sex.

as for talking. a tricky one. could you maybe get a sitter for ds and go out together somewhere where you can talk privately? or make it clear to him in a non-aggressive way that 'we need a talk today' and offer a time?

in my personal experience, my dp has to given an exact time for talking about big issues, otherwise he skirts round them and doesnt acknowledge a fault.or he continues to take it out on me.

i hope this helps a bit

how old is he? I'm asking because the "I'm not having as much fun as I thought I would be" comment sounds quite immature. (BUt then so does much of his behaviour, and that may not be age linked). Does he get out with his friends and you with yours? agree with HumphreyC about getting babysitting so you can go out together and re-bond if you like. A lot of men feel pushed out when a baby comes along, often moreso when that baby is male, imhe at least. Have you changed much physically since the baby was born? well, obviously you have but have you put on or lost tonnes of weight, do you feel you get the chance to make the effort to look nice etc? (all of this is damn hard with a small baby around I KNOW and god, he should be worshipping at your feet just because you have given him a son, but it doesn't always work like that)

what else did his mum say? has he been spoilt rotten in the past or does she recognise the problem as a familiar one?

sorry, crossed posts

have you thought about relate? it sounds like you really want to work this out, but he won't communicate. I know relate has been very good for some people

"we have had a totally shit year prior to this year, death, stroke, redundancy, cancer, stroke again, you name it."

Longlegs - you poor thing, the line I find most interesting in your post is the one above. Who have all these things happened to? To you and/or your partner or other members of your family? Certainly if he has suffered a TIA or a stroke then this would have an impact on his ability to become aroused and also on his personality to some extent. Did he have a stroke?

God this is such a relief to talk....!!! He is 33, his mother totally adores him and vice cersa, his father wasn't around much when he was growing up due to the nature of the business he is in, they all have degrees comingout of their ears and very well privately educated etc. Me, no degree but loads of life experience and certainly no dummy. His mother was kinda shocked I think, she was very honest with me about him but she also protects him (naturally) which really p*sses me off as she has no idea about what he is really like. He smokes, but his mother totally hates smoking so he pretends that he doesn't and made me pretend too - against my will I might add but anything to keep the peace. But then my whole family (I am eldest child of 7 - which is another issue with him....) had to watch what they said when she was around so as not to drop him in it which is just not right. God I am SO ANGRY, mostly with myself for putting up with this shit. I am, sorry was a really strong, independant women took no shit from any man and lived my life the way I wasnted. Now I am scared to say boo to a goose as I am afriad - maybe - to face life alone with a baby??? As for have I changed since the baby, yes I have put weight and it bothers me but I try to do something about it like exercise - I would ride me horse but he then begrudges me the time out!!!!!!!! I am not obese by any stretch of the imagination but I am not a size 10 anymore....
God I'm going to have an anurism as there is so much rushing around in my head and I cant get it typed out quick enough!"

Sorry I should be clearer. My beloved aunt died from cancer this times last year, she was my 2nd mum and I still haven't grieved properly, haven't allowed myself becuase DP father had a stroke the following week. 2 months later I had shingles and depression has kicked in but I'm no stranger to that so I sorted it out with AD's, I say sorted more like, masked it over. Then his mother had another breat cancer scare but they removed the ,lump and all was ok. Then he got made redundant, got a contract with a plc for some consultant worked and set up his own business. I had major issues and struggles with my company coming back to work, his father then had another mini stroke recently but he is now back out of hospital. His father is now confined to a wheelchair but lives about an hour or so away, I have only just managed to persuade DP to take me and DS over to see him (there is no love lost between DP and his father - apparently, I found this out through DP's mother at xmas...) That's it, I think.

Oh, I suggested Relate and he didn't even acknowledge it.

you both sound utterly miserable to me.

I'd say it's time for a make-or-break discussion. Get your mother to take DS off your hands for a few hours, and have a good chat about how you both feel, and if you want to stay together.

Has he always been like this, or just since DS came along?

Its got progressivly worse over the last year, but more so last 6 months. I think he is miserable but he wont say anything to me, I am fed up always being the one to bring the subject up. I thought I would give him the opportunity to do something about the situation for once.

But no, so far, nothing.

Oh he's 33. Very unlikely that he's had a stroke then! However, it does sound like you have both been carrying a heavy load in terms of stress. All of those things you mentioned AND a new baby can really pile on the pressure. Would he consider counselling? Probably not by the sound of it. What about you? It might help. Sounds like you need to rediscover your old confidence which, no matter how low you feel now, is still in you. You are still the strong confident woman you used to be, that side of you is just temporarily buried under a pile of life events that have amalgamated and weakened your resolve. You will get through this eventually either by talking to each other or by seeking help from a counsellor/RELATE.

MT you are so right I know, but do you know what. I dont know if I even want to go through all the Relate side of stuff with him. His mother even said 'I blame his father for the way he is, the inability to show emotion' I nearly expoded on her by saying and you divorced him, WTF am I supposed to do!!!!! He had no problem showing his emotions for the 1st year we were together I can promise you that!!!!!

How infuriating. He is obviously the product of his upbringing so his mother is right in one sense. However, you do not want history to repeat itself in the next generation ie your son having a complete twunt as a male role model. If he can?t get himself together for your sake then your dp should be made to understand that how he behaves will have a direct impact on the development, happiness and future relationships of his son.

Couldn't agree with you more. I come from a large family where we are all very open with one another. We get together as much as possible, but even my family are now feeling uncomfortable as DP made a comment about it being annoying that 'my family' all drop in when they feel like it, which is not entirely true but has an element of truth. However, he has no family around here and it is always my family that help out, whether it is putting up some shelving or we need help carrying something large to the garage.

I am just getting myself wound up again. I think I may ask my mum to take DS this eveing and have it out with him, in as calm a fashion as possible. So I thought I would give him a heads up on my plan but he is not taking my calls as yet!

May I suggest that if you want to try and change things, please don't approach it from the 'having it out with him' perspective? You sound very hurt and frustrated and frankly you have every right to be, but it sounds like you are both coming from too very different perspectives and you don?t want to polarise this situation. It can be quite a viscous circle can?t it- he doesn?t want to talk about emotions, you get upset, it makes you want to talk about stuff more, he wants to talk about it even less. You have both had an awful lot going on, a lot of stress and pressure and you?ve dealt with it in different ways. Can I suggest as you seem to be the one that have realised things are bad/want to be pro-active that at this point you take the initiative but not by having it out with him.
How about approaching it from a ?I love you so much and I can see you?re not happy and I really want to make you happy, what do you think might make you happy?..? type conversation. More of a ?what can I do for you? type approach. If he finds it hard to talk about emotions he will need to feel in a very secure and loved and not all conflictual place to open up, so you?ll need the patience of a saint as I suspect at the moment he feels very insecure and distant from you. It won?t have escaped him that your family background is much more open and confident around talking about emotions and frankly I wouldn?t be surprised if it scares him witless- hence the bury his head in the sand approach. Start little by little don?t try and solve this all at once- maybe try and have a three month plan where you can get to a point where he would go to relate with you. As someone who once had great difficulty talking about certain emotions trust me it can be excruciatingly hard and painful, but underneath it all it doesn?t mean he doesn?t have emotions iykwim. Good luck!
(oh and ps you do know you can go to relate on your own, which might be really helpful to start off with)

Hi Hettie, thanks for this! I have had counselling myself and amconsidering going to Relate this time round. I've made it sound like I am going to go in there all guns blazing which couldn't be further from the truth. I will br treating him exactly as I would like to be treated in this situation. I have been very patient so far and I am keeping my cool as long as it takes, but he is gonna have to start giving something up in conversation otherwise I dont think I have enough love/energy left to deal with him. I have arranged for my son to go my my mum's tonight and I have called DP to let him know that it is about time we sat down and talked things through properly. He has agreed so we wait and see. I have mentally crossed my fingers but I am not holding my breath. I fear he is about to drop the bombshell that he has been holding back for so long...! Wish me luck!

Don?t get wound up. Very crucial to stay cool. If you decide to go for it tonight then good luck and try to spend some time planning in your head how you want the discussion to play out and what you want the outcome to be. Try not to get enraged by anything he says as that will give him an excuse to throw his hands up in the air, claim it?s not worth talking to you and stalk off thus ending the discussion. But perhaps you are a calm, rational person anyway and don?t get crazy when provoked (unlike me!). If it were my dh I would remind him that the life of a working parent of a very young child isn?t always fun but, if you can put time into building a supporting, loving, intimate relationship with your partner then life can be very sweet indeed.

good luck! hope it goes ok for you this evening

I am a typical Arian,.... fairly quick to jump the gun etc but since having DS I have chilled a bit. I will be planning all the way home, through my doctors appointment, when I drop baby off and whilst mucking out, all prior to getting home for that all important glass of wine (large) prior to life discussion!!!!

Thankyou all for your ears and eyes!! Update you later! x

you sound very sensible and loving, I wish you lots of luck. Be prepared that there may be no big bombshell, just a series of things that have contributed to him being stressed and unhappy. Also, I have often been at points (many years ago) where I have been prepared to chuck everything in (it's just all too much I can't be doing with it) and walk away from good people rather than face the terror of 'talking' about things, and this wan't even one big thing just lots of little ones. I know it seems daft, but the more someone tried to get close the more I pushed them away- it took an extraordinary patient and loving saint of a man to keep steadfastly just being there until I realised that it might not kill me to talk about 'feelings'!

Hi longlesgs - how did things go?? Been following this and just hoped everything was going ok xx

Me too Longlegs. Hope it went well for you both.