Where do I begin, I've just about had enough! (sad)

[Longlegs1972]

Hi everyone, I've posted from time to time but mostly I just take what advice/snippets I can from other threads. Now however, I need some advice from others who have children/jobs/relationships/depression you name it. Where to start... well, in a nutshell I have the most adorable baby boy, he's 15months old and the biggest miracle of all. My partner I had been with a year when I fell pregnant, he wasn't overjoyed about it but towards the end seemed to get on with it. About 4 weeks before I gave birth we bought a house together (My mums and she bought my flat) and settled in. He is great with DS, so long as DS isn't beging awkward or grumpy or not feeling well etc. However, he just doesn't communicate with me at all. We do not have any sex life anymore, think we have had 'sex' 3 times since DS was born, on the last occassion which I had initiated again, he failed to 'keep it up'. I feel completely unattractive, unloved and unwanted by him. I have treid to have this conversation with him, to see what is wrong, we dont cuddle, kiss...nothing. We barely talk, he is emotionally retarded and I have now resorted to sending him an email to try another approach. That was 3 days ago and he still hasn't mentioned anything about it. Over Xmas his mother came to stay (he is an only child)and one thing and another we had a bit of a scene, not shouting or anything but I was really tearful over something he wouldn't say and I ended up telling his mother exactly how I felt. I dont really know her very well, I've only met her 3 or 4 times and the first time was 3 weeks before DS was born. ANyway she has also talked to him to talk to me and nothing. WTF am I supposed to do. I am totally at my wits end, WTF is wrong with him????? Is he looking for me to end the relationship as he is too cowardly to do it himself? The only time he has ever said anything when questioned by me as to whether he was happy or not, his response was 'I'm not having as much fun as I thought I would be'. Nice eh!!!!! I am so depressed by this, we have had a totally shit year prior to this year, death, stroke, redundancy, cancer, stroke again, you name it. But we are still healthy, DS is healthy, but, oh I just don't know. Am I losing it? I work full time, have a horse that I barely see cos there is no hours in the day! He is self employed - god knows how business is cos he doesn't talk to me about it! DS is in nursery full time. My mother is a god send, but she is also totally fed up of his behaviour, oh god there is just too much to say in one post. Man I am just ranting on and on.... Sorry

If anyone wants to listen to me, advise, help ME!!!!!!! Please, I'd be really grateful x

Hi all, well we talked on Friday, he wouldn't look at me and I almost lost my temper, in fact I could've punched him. He doesn't want to go to counselling as he thinks its a waste of time and money.....(hmm) also he has admitted he is depressed, but, he refuses to go the doctors to get treated. He believes he can treat himself...... I asked him how he thought we could make life better etc and he said he didn't know, had nothing to suggest....! Trust me, for a supposedly articulate man this was a bit of a shock. Anyway he ended up getting up and going to bed, he'd had enought talking......! I was just left pissed off. To be honest I felt more relaxed when he wasn't there. The next day he acted as if everything was great with the world....

I wasn't prepared to leave it hanging so tried to talk again on Sat night. He has agreed that he needs to take some time out to get it straight in his head what he wants. Told him that he should only come home if he truly wants us to work. He says he loves me but has no emotions towards me right now, work that out!!! He also said he was prepared to give counselling a go, to which I retorted 'that's big of you' which I shoudn't have said I no and I took it back but I was so bloody frustrated.

Anyhow, I got loads off my chest and trust me I didn't hold back. I've made it so very clear how I feel and that I am in no way prepared to have a half arsed reltionship. Told him that I love him but cannot continue like we are...... We will see, I feel totally empty!

Hows it going longlegs? Been thinking of you and wishing you well. My DP never used to want to talk to sort things out and I know the frustration involved. I hope you are making progress and it all turns out the way you want it to. FWIW DP now talks about stuff too much but only in as much as to blame me for everything . Some men are just so euchhhhhhhhhh make you want to scream.

Oh Longlegs. So getting him to agree to counselling was a breakthrough wasn't it. I hope he sticks to that. It also sounds like you handled it very well, said all you wanted to say and have hopefully set the two of you on the journey towards resolving the "problems" in your relationship. Lets hope the journey ends well.

Do I understand from your post that he has moved out? You say he should only come home if he truly wants it to work - does that mean he is staying somewhere else for a while? If so, I hope you are OK with that.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

He is still in the house,l acting as if I have never said anything. Not once has he tried to hug me or kiss me, considering that I said I felt starved of affection from him its a pretty poor show in my book...

We will see, we will see. I wonder whether I just want to be on my own with my son... I am having very random thoughts at the moment. Swinging from wanting to keep my family together no matter how unloved I feel to bugger it, I cando this on my own - with the help of my mum that is - I am so much more in awe of single mums (since having a child of my own) Total respect. x

Longlegs I am going through a very similar thing at the moment and exactly like you, some days I want to try anything I can to keep my family together as I do love my DH so much, but then other days I realise that I could do it own my own and maybe find someone who gives me the love and support I deserve....

My DS is 16 months old and absoultely perfect and some days I look at him and think if DH can't put me and our little angel first then I should be with someone who can. We are both lucky enough to have our ds's and for me, he's more than I could have ever dreamed of. That makes me and you very lucky indeed

The counselling is a great breakthrough. If you can, just take it one small step at a time and don't try to make any big decisions or rush things through as problems are much easier to handle if dealt with in smaller little chunks. It kills me some days to stick to that but I just hope that the counselling may be the external support we both need to realise that what we have is worth saving. Hopefully that could be the case for you too...

Lots of love and {{hugs}} to you xx

It is good to hear from you and glad of someone in the same situation, IYKWIM!!!

And yo ucouldn't be more right, my little man is my life, I am so incredibly lucky to have him considering I was supposed to be infertile.

I just wish DP (I begrudge abbreviating him that way, I'd rather just say HE or HIM!) would feel the same way and put some effort into our relationship. DO you feel like it is so one sided all the feckin time?

I am not going to start moaning again, if you want to talk let me know I'd gladly compare notes with you, its easier to think/feel when you say/type it out loud!

Thank you for the hugs, back atcha and then some xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi there - sorry I couldn't get back on last night by the time I got in from work etc...

I definitely do feel like it's so one sided all of the time - sometimes I just can't comprehend why he doesn't seem to care or even want to try! It just confuses me more and more every day

I'm thinking of booking a few days away for the 3 of us next week and taking some time off work, just to try and get to the bottom of what the issues are and see if there's any hope left at all! I'm fed up of feeling so sad (and angry!) all of the time!

It's nice to have someone to talk to (so to speak!) who understands those feelings because it's hard to even explain how you feel isn't it. You're right though, sometimes writing it all down does help - puts things a bit more in perspective.
I'l have written a novel by the time all of this is over!!

Maybe the best thing for your both would be just to ease off the pressure - it's been a tough time as you say. In the course of a lifetime 15 months isn;t a long time, and somethings take time to get back on an even keel?

Monkeytrousers, 15 months isn't long I suppose, to some people. I am not prepared to waste one minute of my life any more. I've done plenty of that in the past. When you get no feedback, emotionally or otherwise from your so called partner you begin to question yourself in so many ways. There just comes a point whenyour brain says no more...