How do you adjust your feelings for someone?

[HungoverLikeaSpunMoorhenChick]

This is about DBIL and I, and may be quite long - sorry!

I have known him almost as long as I have been with DH. I always thought we were good friends - except now I realise that actually, we're not. I am his friend, but I don't think he's mine.

Something happened over the weekend which has made me think - we had arranged that I would drop him off somewhere to make his life easier. Plans changed (fair enough, that happens) but he texted DH to tell him, but not me, and a lightbulb went on in my head.

I realise now that although we chat together when he visits and have a good laugh, he never asks how I am, never communicates first with me and only occasionally responds to texts/ voicemails/ emails about family stuff but responds to DH, never gives any thought to presents for me (eg he only bought my birthday present on the day, from Asda, despite us having discussed over the previous week that we would go out for lunch on my birthday as DH had to work, whereas he will spend time and effort on other people).

So, I realise that he's not actually my friend, he's just my BIL and is polite to me, but it's not a friendship. It hurts like buggery to realise this, but I can't change it, so I have to live with it.

Problem is, he visits fairly often. My current instinct (which I won't give in to!) is to tell him to fuck off and never darken my door again, but he and DS are inseparable and that would damage that relationship. And he hasn't done anything wrong. I've just made an assumption which is incorrect.

So I need to find a way to distance my feelings, apply balm to my wounded pride (why doesn't he want to be my friend!), and move on.

How can I do this?

" I can't commit to volunteering and then turn around to say I can't cause I need to work iyswim."

Well actually you can. Organisations do understand that it happens with volunteers. I had a similar dilemma but decided to just do the volunteering, which was the right decision because I still don't have a bloody job! And if I can get a part time job I will continue volunteering.

Yeah, that's what I'm hoping will happen - but not going to hear about volunteering for a bit.

What you are feeling is disappointment, and that's ok - it's always disappointing when we realise that a friendship is very one sided. I doubt he thinks very deeply into it, just back off and don't text - he can put up with whatever you chose to put on his pizza and lump it. Lol

Well now you have realised how the relationship is then just mirror how he is with you and try to move on from the feelings of disappointment. Hopefully as you settle in to the new area new friends will be formed.

Could you start a book group? Maybe ask your school gate friends if they would be interested? You don't need many people - you just need two or three to be interested and then you could advertise online to get a few more (MN local, local FB pages, etc)

Ooh and you could put up a poster in your local library

You can tell I'm excited about my idea

I think you have got some really unkind replies on here.

You have had a lightbulb moment. You have realised that someone you have invested in is not invested in you.

I think you have to grieve the friendship you thought you had. It will be painful for but eventually it won't feel as bad. It's difficult because as he is family you will have to see him.

Take care op.