How do you adjust your feelings for someone?

[HungoverLikeaSpunMoorhenChick]

This is about DBIL and I, and may be quite long - sorry!

I have known him almost as long as I have been with DH. I always thought we were good friends - except now I realise that actually, we're not. I am his friend, but I don't think he's mine.

Something happened over the weekend which has made me think - we had arranged that I would drop him off somewhere to make his life easier. Plans changed (fair enough, that happens) but he texted DH to tell him, but not me, and a lightbulb went on in my head.

I realise now that although we chat together when he visits and have a good laugh, he never asks how I am, never communicates first with me and only occasionally responds to texts/ voicemails/ emails about family stuff but responds to DH, never gives any thought to presents for me (eg he only bought my birthday present on the day, from Asda, despite us having discussed over the previous week that we would go out for lunch on my birthday as DH had to work, whereas he will spend time and effort on other people).

So, I realise that he's not actually my friend, he's just my BIL and is polite to me, but it's not a friendship. It hurts like buggery to realise this, but I can't change it, so I have to live with it.

Problem is, he visits fairly often. My current instinct (which I won't give in to!) is to tell him to fuck off and never darken my door again, but he and DS are inseparable and that would damage that relationship. And he hasn't done anything wrong. I've just made an assumption which is incorrect.

So I need to find a way to distance my feelings, apply balm to my wounded pride (why doesn't he want to be my friend!), and move on.

How can I do this?

"I can't reduce BIL's visits (at least at the moment) as it would hurt DS - he's been quite unsettled by the move too, he misses his old friends who he saw almost daily, he wants a sibling (never going to happen) or a pet (also no), and so BIL is a happy constant for him. It is getting better, but DS will always come before me - especially as it's my issue and just me being "high maintenance".

You're not being high maintenance! I think it's bothering you more than it would if you had friends. But it's perfectly understandable to feel a bit hurt if someone isn't treating you as well as you treat them. Some of the people on this thread have very low standards when it comes to basic manners

Your DS can still see his uncle regularly (every day if you want to keep that up) without him coming to your house every single time. I still think they could do an outing or activity. BIL could also babysit so you and DH can go out for some quality time. Use it to your advantage! It will be win win for everyone then. And you will probably be more inclined to spend time with BIL when you are all at home together.

I think you should ask him why he ne'er contacts you directly, though, even when you've contacted him.

ne'er = never (weird autocorrect!)

Very old fashioned autocorrect.

Yes, I do think it's the lack of common courtesy that's irritating me more. I could probably cope with the lack of friendship, but I think if I'd posted about a DSIL doing this, I would have had totally different responses.

I think you should ask him why he ne'er contacts you directly, though, even when you've contacted him.

That would certainly be the grown up thing to do.

From my reading of your posts, it's not about the family / in-law dynamics. Your problem is that you thought you were mates with him, and you don't have many friends around at the moment, and now you realise that you thought you were better friends than you actually are. I've had this happen with someone i knew and it hurts. I thought we were really good friends but actually i was just filling a gap for the other person until someone better came along.

Try to build up your network of people you know in the new area so you don't have all your friendship eggs in one basket. If time take up a hobby, join a meet up group, or something similar. Also, if you are feeling a bit isolated, try to reconnect with old friends on social media. I also think you should maybe try and keep out of BIL's way for a bit, maybe be busy when he comes round. If you have been keenly seeking out signs of friendship then it will be difficult to readjust now. With my ex-friend i have tried and tried to think of reasons why she wouldn't want to be my friend and tried to find reasons to dislike her, but it doesn't work, it just wastes brain power that is needed for other things.

That's exactly it onthestraightandnarrow it's the "yeah, we're great mates!", then actually realising that he isn't a good friend and it's been amplified by the situation I'm in. I don't have spare cash at the moment (job hunting frantically!) so joining clubs etc isn't going to work for a bit.

I do keep up with friends on social media, but again it can be isolating when old friends are going on nights out, and I'm 400 miles away!

Ah well, big girl pants on, I guess I just have to back off, try to avoid contact as much as possible and fake it till it feels better. Can't force people to like you!

It sounds as though it would be a good idea for you to take both you and your son out to meet new friends.

Your last post, OP, makes me think that there is definitely something more to this. I don't mean that you fancy him but that you have a fixed idea in your head of what your relationship was... without any reference to him and what HE thinks it is. You can pick him up on his lack of manners, sure, BUT what if he tells you that he's not enjoying the vibe from you, that you terrify him? Would that hurt you more?

You say "Can't force people to like you!"... Well what is giving you that impression? He's your brother in law, he is obviously not a mate but that doesn't mean that he doesn't 'like' you. He's not replying to your texts and not getting in touch with you when YOU make plans but maybe have a think about why that might be? You're coming across as somebody who is desperate for a friendship and perhaps he doesn't feel the same. In fact, it's obvious that he doesn't feel the same and you're missing the social cues there.

I would say the same if you were talking about a SIL; your demeanour is coming across as a bit much, over-exuberant and 'trying too hard'. One thing that I do know is that relationships need perfect balance; if there's one giving all the time and one taking all the time, it's out of whack and that's what's happening here.

You're hurt because you feel that he's snubbing you. You're making far more of this situation than it needs to be. Let your husband do the running and you stop doing it. Maybe then you will feel less sensitised to the fact that your BIL doesn't want to behave as a 'best friend' because you won't be putting yourself in that mould either.

Stop love-bombing and you'll see a difference. Your BIL may well relax his guard around you then, but keep your relationship familial, not on a friendship basis.

Can you find some new friends around where you live? Where you take your DS out?

Okay. My fault, my issue. I get that. I get I'm expecting too much, probably because of my situation having moved and lost my support network.

I don't think I'm "love bombing", a text to ask what he wants on a pizza is hardly declaring my (non-existant!) everlasting love for him - but I don't think I'm being too demanding to expect a response to a direct question?

I'm trying to get my head round it and work out what I can do, so I don't expect too much, but I need to shift my perception and my expectations.

Making friends is difficult for me due to DH's work - he's out early, back late so clubs are tricky along with lack of funds but I'll see what I can find.

"Stop love-bombing"?!!!!
I don't see a single thing in the OP's posts which suggests she is doing that to her BIL or is "desperate" for friendship She just sounds (understandably) a bit lonely.

OP, let me guess, did you move away from your job/family/friends in order to be closer to DH's job/family/friends?!

Next time you are about to offer to do him a favour / go out of your way for him maybe ask yourself the question "Would he do this for me/offer to help/delete as applicable?"

Another how about you focus on the OP instead of picking up other people's posts? Posters post according to their own interpretation.

Hungover

Ah well, big girl pants on, I guess I just have to back off, try to avoid contact as much as possible and fake it till it feels better.

Why do you need to avoid contact ? there is every chance that your BIL thinks you are a great mate, he is certainly treating you like one rather than a flame...(which is a healthy thing IMO)

Cross post!

Hungover... I don't mean 'love-bombing' as in you declaring your love for him, I mean it in terms of you making all the moves, doing all the running.

I'm sorry that you've lost your support network, it makes things very tough for you. Is there no way of getting in touch with other local mums, for example? Taking it in turns for coffee morning or just a walk in the park or something?

How often do you text him? Maybe it is a bit much?

I suspect your feelings about this have a lot to do with you being without a support network at the moment, so stuff like this gets blown out of proportion. I don't think you should stop him or cut down on him coming over. Could you use it to your advantage? Ask him to babysit so that you could go out to an activity and meet people in your local area? Or even just get on with chores at home while he is there? I think you should back off for a while now. Keep busy and be pleasant but brief. Ask your DH to text him when it is necessary.

Avoid contact in terms of not texting him as the consensus seems to be that I'm over contacting. Moving out of the room to do other things so I don't treat him as a friend - at least until I get the hang of the fact that he isn't.

Babysitting is possible, but no spare cash to go out so not a real option, but getting other things done certainly is.

aylish... Start your own thread, perhaps? I'm sure posters will come and answer you there.

sorry i'm new to this how do i do that

Hungover how about you go out when he comes round? If H works long hours and DBIL comes over to see DS most evenings why don't you let him have dinner with DS/spend time with him and use it as an opportunity to pop out for a walk, go to an exercise class, get a coffee and read a book (I'm trying to think of low cost options to meet people).

Sounds like you moved to be nearer H's family and isolated yourself. 400 miles is a long way from everyone. Have you considered starting your own business? I know a lot of people who have taken up selling things from home, Forever products, Stella and Dot, that kind of thing; could help you make friends and solve the no money to do things issue? Might not suit you but just a thought.

I still think he might fancy you (or think you like him even though you don't) and possibly is concerned if he responds to your messages he'd be "flirting".

It is weird that he won't text you back though! I'd be really annoyed by that. Why would a brother in law not text you back?!

I would stop texting him just because he obviously has some kind of issue but I don't agree you're hugely over thinking etc; it's pretty basic to reply to a text to the person who is making your dinner?!

OP 'what would you like for dinner BIL'

BIL 'DB tell SIL I'll have pepperoni'

That's not normal. I would definitely speak to dh about it - he could start by replying 'tell her please not me!!'

Good heavens I'd be very worried if he saw it as flirting - it tends to the practical ie pizza topping, organising stuff that we're doing as a family etc.

Sales isn't my thing, but I get what you mean about a hobby - hopefully a job will come along soon and that'll help the isolation.

There are things you can do to meet people that don't involve spending a lot of (or any) money. For example:

• Volunteering - loads of possibilities here (this would also help your job search as it would be something current to put on your CV)
• Join a local running or walking club
• Join a book group (you can get books out from the library)
• If you like dogs, sign up to Borrow My Doggy or a similar scheme (you might make friends with the owners or other dog walkers)

Those are just off the top of my head, I bet there are plenty more.

I'm already trying to sort the volunteering out; just waiting to hear back from that, but it's complicated by the lack of job - I can't commit to volunteering and then turn around to say I can't cause I need to work iyswim.

No book groups close by (I've looked) and I can't walk long distances although I'd love to do so. I need a "sloth" group really!