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Original poster

I know I'm being daft but I really don't want my dds staying with FIL

38 replies

2ndSopranosRule · 18/03/2016 19:19

Dh has a poor relationship with his father. FIL is a very difficult man. He seldom makes contact and when he decides to fit in a visit to his gc it's entirely on his terms. If we aren't available on the date he suggests that'll be that until he decides to try to slot us in again.

He dislikes me and it's mutual. I don't fit his image of the ideal wife for his son: I work, I have ambition and a mind of my own. He's said some horrendous things to me and has also tried to suggest I've been unfaithful and that dd2 isn't dh's.

Anyway, he lives 150 miles away and has 'invited' us to stay for a few days. Last time FIL saw the dc he played some sort of tickle fight with dd1 who is 8. Recently she mentioned that granddad tickled her lots. I asked her if she liked it and she clearly felt she couldn't say no. I had a conversation at that point that it didn't matter who it was, if someone was doing something to her body she has the absolute right to say no.

The thought of staying in the same house as FIL makes me feel almost physically sick. Even with us there, I can't go through with this.

I have told dh that I'm not going to allow them to stay in FIL's house. Dh is doing his usual non-committal thing of not being straight and saying no. I know this is his dad we're talking about.

Am I being ott here?

OP posts:
Coldtoeswarmheart · 18/03/2016 19:22

YANBU

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/03/2016 19:25

Nope, don't go. If he can't be civil to you then he won't get a chance to be close to/have access to your children. And the tickle thing-you are right about that too.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 18/03/2016 19:25

No. It sounds as though your FIL thinks he can do and say what he likes where women and girls are concerned.

What will happen if his idea that DD2 is not your DH's child is trotted out over this visit? Why stay with someone who is horrible to you?

The whole thing sounds unhealthy, with no real relationship and everyone having to submit to treatment they should not have to tolerate in order to keep the peace. Visit if you want, but on terms that suit you and shield the children from his unpleasantness.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2016 19:27

Yanbu

AnyFucker · 18/03/2016 19:28

Or should I day, yanbd

AnyFucker · 18/03/2016 19:28

*say

Inertia · 18/03/2016 19:32

No, I absolutely would not be staying with anybody with such a bullying manner with women and girls. The last thing you and your DH should be teaching your children is that they should have to submit to uncomfortable and overpowering physical contact from an adult (which tickling is, if you don't like it).

thefourgp · 18/03/2016 19:41

Always trust your instincts regarding the care and safety of your children. Keep this awful man away from them.

AntiqueSinger · 18/03/2016 19:42

Follow your instincts. Don't go. He dislikes you anyway, so you have nothing to lose. The tickling would be a possible red flag for me. But then I'm particularly sensitive to these things. No don't go. Give you DH the support he needs to say no as it really can be hard to say no to a parent under such circumstances. I suspect he feels torn.

SkaterGrrrrl · 18/03/2016 19:44

Don't go.

Zaurak · 18/03/2016 19:55

Yanbu. If you must go, book a hotel nearby and don't let your girls out of your sight.,

The only positive here is a good opportunity to teach dd about her rights over her body.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 18/03/2016 20:02

I had something similar with FIL posted on MN some posters supported some were way off saying usual grandpa being there for DCs crap.. Most important is the feeling you have as a mum nothing else matters! There are many odd people out there and your FIL could be one of them. Trust your instinct

SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 18/03/2016 20:05

YANBU trust your gut. He sounds deeply unpleasant. I would avoid the old scrote.

ScoutsMam · 18/03/2016 20:07

The only positive here is a good opportunity to teach dd about her rights over her body.

I wouldn't say putting her into an environment where there's going to be a need for that is a positive. If my Mum put me in a situation where she knew I may have to fight for my rights over my body I'd feel pretty let down to be honest.

Just don't go. He sounds like an arsehole. You aren't being OTT.

Duckdeamon · 18/03/2016 20:09

You told DD she didn't have to go along with it, but by appeasing FiL you and DH are showing her that YOU go along with him.

Mixed messages. She isn't able to stand up to him, she needs you to do that for her.

Peanuts2000 · 18/03/2016 20:11

You are not being daft at all. He has been horrible to you, imagine saying that you have been unfaithful and your daughter is some else's. What happened between him and DHs mother? Does he have a partner, probably not if he treats people this way. He has been over familiar with your DD. I agree with others, trust your instinct and don't go, or DH can go on his own. Otherwise stay somewhere else and just seen him for a short time to see how he behaves, then you can leave if he starts being horrible

Original poster
2ndSopranosRule · 18/03/2016 20:19

FIL had an affair and left MIL when dh was young. He's now married to the ow.

We're coming under lots of pressure from MIL to stay which I simply don't get.

OP posts:
Original poster
2ndSopranosRule · 18/03/2016 20:20

Thanks for the reassurances btw

OP posts:
amarmai · 18/03/2016 20:24

is mil getting $$ from fil that cd be withheld if she does not fall in line? Follow your instincts op.

coconutpie · 18/03/2016 20:28

No way would I visit.

Penguinepenguins · 18/03/2016 20:29

Does the MIL live close by and she wants to see you at the same time?

I absolutely would not go. Your DH needs to stand up to him for the sake of his daughters and you.

No no no

purplepandas · 18/03/2016 20:29

i would not visit.

Penguinepenguins · 18/03/2016 20:32

And at 8, you can't protect yourself from an overbearing old man (your DH a grown man is struggling)

No no no

Tying to think based on what you have said how/why I could let a daughter be in the company of this man and honestly I cant

janethegirl2 · 18/03/2016 20:35

Can you stay nearby and arrange to see him in a neutral environment for lunch but not in his home? If you meet in public, he will be forced to conform.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/03/2016 20:38

He's said some horrendous things to me and has also tried to suggest I've been unfaithful and that dd2 isn't dh's

You have two problems here. The first is your FIL. The second is your DH.
I'd ignore the FIL, he can't make you visit him. I would however read the riot act to your "non-committal" DH. He's not doing his job as a parent or a husband to let any of this slide.