I know I'm being daft but I really don't want my dds staying with FIL

[2ndSopranosRule]

Dh has a poor relationship with his father. FIL is a very difficult man. He seldom makes contact and when he decides to fit in a visit to his gc it's entirely on his terms. If we aren't available on the date he suggests that'll be that until he decides to try to slot us in again.

He dislikes me and it's mutual. I don't fit his image of the ideal wife for his son: I work, I have ambition and a mind of my own. He's said some horrendous things to me and has also tried to suggest I've been unfaithful and that dd2 isn't dh's.

Anyway, he lives 150 miles away and has 'invited' us to stay for a few days. Last time FIL saw the dc he played some sort of tickle fight with dd1 who is 8. Recently she mentioned that granddad tickled her lots. I asked her if she liked it and she clearly felt she couldn't say no. I had a conversation at that point that it didn't matter who it was, if someone was doing something to her body she has the absolute right to say no.

The thought of staying in the same house as FIL makes me feel almost physically sick. Even with us there, I can't go through with this.

I have told dh that I'm not going to allow them to stay in FIL's house. Dh is doing his usual non-committal thing of not being straight and saying no. I know this is his dad we're talking about.

Am I being ott here?

I would not visit him under any circumstances. A good rule of thumb here is that if you find the relation too difficult to deal with, its the same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless children. They need you to protect them from such malign influences. "Toxic inlaws" by Susan Forward is a good read for you.

Think your DH is very much in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) state when it comes to his father. He cannot seem to at all assert himself when it comes to his overbearing and controlling dad.

I would also add that your DH's inertia when it comes to his parents is simply hurting him as well as his own family unit now.

That's not even in the same postcode as 'daft'.

Your gut instinct is seldom wrong. Listen to it. I'd rather there be a massive showdown because you wont allow them to stay with him than anything awful happen to your girls.
He sounds like a vile misogynist,
Please don't feel guilty about not accepting his invitation.

YANBU. They may well be nothing to it, but it is making your daughter uncomfortable and you must show her a clear message that anything which makes her uncomfortable is not acceptable. She must not be made to spend time with him if she feels like that. Well done on supporting her.

YANBU - you do not have to go anywhere you don't want to. You are an adult who makes her own decisions. You are also a mother who has to make the right decisions for her children.

If DH wants to visit FIL then wave him off with a cheery smile.

Ooh, a unanimous thread! I agree, don't go.

If you do go, who are you doing it for ?

Your FIL sounds vile , he doesn't like you and you don't like him, so it's not for either of your sakes.

If he makes your dd feel uncomfortable, and you have reason not to trust him - which I think you definitely do - then it's not for her sake.

So that leaves your husband. If he knows the awful slur his dad made about your dd2, and about his behaviour to you generally, why would he expect you to go ?

Let your dh do the duty visit.

Don't go.

I have recently heard from an expert on child protection that you should always trust your gut about these things, i.e. when you have a bad feeling about someone being around you or your children. Our instincts are telling us something for a reason.

Dh doesn't seen to understand how very upset I was about his dad suggesting dd2 isn't his.

Anyway, we had it out last night. We're going to visit for the day. My anxiety has been terrible this week and this hasn't helped. SIL is now piling on the pressure for us to stay over (she's also invited but can't go on our weekend) but frankly she can just sod off.

I have no idea why everyone in the family always wants to appease this man. This is possibly the final straw for me. Dh always says that he doesn't want to decide for our dc whether or not they see their granddad but I'll be making that decision.

"I have no idea why everyone in the family always wants to appease this man"

Its because they want to continue their own part in your DHs dysfunctional family of origin; you rocking that boat is seen as a threat to that messed up dynamic.

Your DH is in FOG with regards to his dad and likely cannot as well as does not want to believe that his dad is still a crap parent and grandparent to him and his children respectively.

I think it is also a mistake to even visit this person for a day. Who benefits from such a visit anyway. Its not you or your children is it?. A good rule of thumb too is that if the relative is too difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for the children too. They need you to protect them.

He sounds very domineering and not a pleasant person all the things he has said would put me right off him and the fact your dd doesnt like the tickiling and you feel you cant say anything to him would make me not want to stay it sounds so stressful. My stepdad played with Dds like this i had to tell him to stop they hated it.

Dh always says that he doesn't want to decide for our dc whether or not they see their granddad

Bollocks to that. DH and you choose where they live, what they eat, what they wear, what school they go to, when they go out, when they go to bed, etc etc etc. Choosing not to have a toxic person in your life shouldn't be up to children. They're not equipped to handle stuff like that.