On My Own and very scared

[hurtwife]

Hi
I have been on here before and here is a quick update.
Married for a long time 4 kids H had/having affair.
He left in oct came back and has now gone again.
I feel so low dont want to accept that this is it. dont think i can cope (although know i will).
Please tell me there is another life waiting for me.
I feel so pathetic my whole life was children and him. I am feeling totally lost dont even know who i am any more. I havent worked for some years and really wont be able to because of the children. I feel as if i have scarificed everything for this relationship and feel totally drained of any self worth.

I know i have 4 beautiful children but at the moment i am barely functioning and feel i am being a terrible mother to them.
Meanwhile he seems to be getting his head round it all and getting on with his life and is appearing fantastic with the children.

I know i need to sort out when he can see them but at the moment i just want to withold them and keep them for myself. He is a great father although not been there much for them for the past year. Now of course he wants to appear the goody in all this.

PLEASE tell me my life will get better than this, i am not sure how much more i can take.

How awful for you. I was left with the 5 and he did absolutely nothing, didn't even tell them he was going, still 3 years later has never had a conversation with any of them about divorce, him leaving or anything.
I think you just have to get through each day, try to keep busy, try to sleep and eat well. I am sure you are not being a terrible mother to him.
They are probably missing him. It may help if they get to see him and you get a few hours even if only just to go to bed to cry for a few yours. I found it so unfair that I didnt' get the chance to cry because I had the children 24/7 and he who chose not to see them could do anything he liked.
If you force him to have the children one week on and one off then you can get back to work and that will soon sort out his new lover when she's got 4 children with a vomitting bug up all night and then awake from 6am, no more cosy weekends. Might bring it home to her what she's taken on.

So sorry you are going through such an awful time. Am bumping this up for you in the hope others may be able to offer some words of comfort. x

hello Hurtwife
Really sorry to hear your thread. Yes it will definately get better!
Feb 2006 young baby only 3 months old, and husband arrested for domestic violence!
Single mum since then, ok only 1. But world still fell apart! Divorce, court case!
So onto now! Dating, college course, looking to return to work part time, decided to get figure back! New hair cut!
Life will be a bit poo but it will get better you just kind of have to hang on in there and go with the flow! Best wishes to you

It will get better- honest. This time last year I had just left my adulterous husband and was living with my dd (then 2) in a horrible rental house. I more or less had her 24/7 whilst he got on with his new family.

Today dd and I live in our own little house. I have a new partner who is better with my dd than my xh ever was. Life has been hard, I have cried myself to sleep more times than I care to admit. I still have days when I grieve for the future I had planned in my head, if that makes any sense. But in the words of a song (don't know who by, its just stuck in my head), if I have to be lonely I'd rather be lonely alone (as opposed to living with someone who doesn't respect me, doesn't support me, is selfish and an outright liar!)

Throughout it all hang on to your gut instinct, when I've listened to it, its never let me down.

You are worth more and you will get more.

Big hugs to you.

Thankyou all
I am barely functioning. I am trying to be possitive and not let the unfairness of it all eat me up. I feel completly stuck with no way out and nothing of me left. It is very hard with all four. He is wanting and is seeing them but i feel bad about that too because he is being the good dad when i am being the crap mum at the moment. I am so low my temper is short and i am tired and fuzzy the whole time. Yes i am depressed before you all post back and yes i am getting help but i know it is not an instant cure and will take time.
My head knows all the rules but my heart just runs my emotions at the moment.

Hi Hurtwife
How about just functioning then, you know it takes time Little steps, little steps until you begin to find your feet again.

Would you take him back?

Your life will get better than this. You say 'just' functioning, but at this stage functioning at all is a real achievement. He is doing better than you at the moment because he has been thinking and planning, whereas you have not so you are still in shock. Cut yourself some slack - you deserve and need it.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to keep the children for yourself, but let him shoulder some of the burden and take care of the kids and use that time to recharge your batteries - get some sleep, cry on a friend's shoulder, let your mum make you some chicken soup, whatever does it for you. You've been hurt and you need to heal a little so you can get back on the front foot.

Hurtwife it will get better honestly. It is likw waves though and at first it is like huge ones crashing down relentlessly but then after time they die down and there is a storm every now and then when you think you cant go on.

Hope that makes sense but I know my life will be better without someone who lies, cheats and loses his temper with alarming frequency including violence. In the end it is best for the kids that he behaves and sees them it is hardest for you.

The scarey thing is when they stop all financial help and let you cope on your own. I know that my three are my responsibility, emotionally, financially and physically and getting them the best life possible has become my reason for living. That is the really scarey thing but also has the most incredible pay back from the kids themselves who repay me every day with huge amounts of love and respect. They totally understand when I am "stressy" as they call it and know that it is inevitable.

Thanks again
Still sitting here crying and desperatly need some sleep. What a rollercoaster!!
The fact that i want to lash out and hurt him means i still care i know and as to whether i would have him back - there is no going back. If he crawled on his belly and followed me for a long time then maybe - but that is just not going to happen. He has changed so much and he doesnt want this old life anymore. After years of working together to make this life i just cant believe he can just walk away from it. I know what i must do but i am still a heap on the floor.
Thanks again anyway its great to hear how you all got through it.

Hurtwife how are you? I hope you are managing to cope. Am thinking of you.

Hi gf
not good at the moment. Not sleeping not eating properly only barely functioning. I know all the things i need to do. Get my arse into gear and take care of the kids but i am so low - i need to seek help but cant be bothered to even do that. I feel so angry i want to lash out at him but know that will only make things worse. It is so hard to accept that he just doesnt want me anymore (after 20 years). he has changed and i dont want to accept that. He used to be so family orintated and full of life. Work and her have changed him into someone i dont know. I know i should be grateful as there are probably lots of people i could find who would respect me ect but i just want to cling onto the past and cant seem to get it out of my head. I want to kick people who say time will heal (een though i am sure they are right).

Doom and gloom is all around me.

Hi Hurtwife,

I dont knwo if this will help, but my dad died when i was 6 so it was only me and mum from then on. She was devestated and for a time just 'functioned'. For weeks and weeks dinner was fried tinned potatoes and fried egg, she wore trousers, did;nt do her hair etc. And although I knew mum was sad I did'nt notice (I promise) a change in her care or love. When I got older mum talked with me about those times and how she was desperate for adult conversation etc. Being a child you dont appreciate such things, but one thing I do appreciate as an adult is that mum still cared for me and loved me as difficult as time were for her.

I am sure in years to come your children will look back at this time and will see that you did your best by them, and that it was their dad who put you through this. No matter how good or bad each of you are being perceived by them at the moment.

I hope that helps - (((((()))))

Thanks
You are right i hope one day they will realise that it is him that has done this but that means holding onto the hate ect which i know is destroying me. It would be better if he just was not around (which i know is wrong of me to say) but why should he be able to show up and have all the good bits and me just left with the crap. He has already told one of them that it is because i am difficult to live with but i made him tell them it was all his fault. I am sure when the whole truth comes out when they are older they will understand. One part of me wants them to hate and punish him too., but i also want to be a better person than that. It is as if he is not going to get punished for this crime. If he had been physicaally abusive i could have charged him but as it is only mental creulty that he is put me through he seems to get off scott free. Its just not fair.

hurtwife, be kind to yourself, don't knock yourself further down. It's early days, and as someone else said, take little steps. Immerse yourself in the humdrum of school runs, housework, eat properly and perhaps in a few weeks you will realise you are coping and that in itself will help you recover.

Have you got a good mate to turn to for coffee and general support?

And you need to agree with your husband not to involve the kids in your breakup by telling them stuff about who's fault it is - git. (sorry)!

Oh hurtwife I so understand. I know it is no good saying time makes all the difference because to get there you have to live through today. This is a totally shit situation for you and nothing can make that any better.

I would write down some very small and short to do lists to enable you to focus on practical things. You will need to sort out finance, possible divorce proceedings and issues around the children and this is possibly the worst tiime for that to happen. I found writing things down very helpful because then I didnt forget the small stuff like kids routines etc.

Being busy did help me and concentrating on the things which really mattered rather than getting bogged down in the rubbish. I had superb advice on here as well and one of the things was to get a haircut and buy myself something I had always wanted. Take some time for yourself and dont forget you matter too.

..time... yes you have to try to make it fly I supose. I haven't listened to it yet but there's a Paul Mc|Kenna CD with yesterday's Times. The description says he has technique to make time seem to go faster and he uses it on long air plane journeys.

i know what you mean about people saying time will heal and you think no it bloody wont, but it will you just dont know it yet, i am 18 months down the line, when it first happened i wanted to die, i got to t junctions on roads and i thought i am going to just pull out in front of someone i didnt care about what would happen but i didnt the kids made me get up each day, sunday was the hardest day for me so we started going swimming at 9.30 every sunday, (not today thought we have come to a play place, i am on mumsnet and they are having a ball somewhere)

xmas was hard and so was new year but we got through it, and now we are in 2007 looking foward again.

you have to take every day at a time, i think i told you before about a relate course i did called new life new challenge, it was fab and just what i needed at the time!! find out if there is one near you,

i am still not 100% over it all and do still greive for the family i wanted, but i have to accept it has gone and we have become a new family, i have redecorated the house got wooden floor (that he didnt want) we do so much more together now just me and the girls and 99% of the time life is fab....

i am starting a salsa class tomorrow just to get me through the next 10 weeks, and i just try to set things up to keep me ticking on by.

you will come through this hopefully stronger than you ever realised you could be,

i have lost 3 stone in weight, have a new posh bob, reinvented my wardrobe,and take much better care of myself, - and i know he looks at me and thinks i look good, xmas he gave me a kiss and hug, but i look at him and think no thanks, because he hasnt changed i have had to, he hasnt, and this is the man i used to cling on to his ankles begging him not to leave me and i did this for 4 months then thought i cant do it anymore as it was slowly killing me.

please try and be strong i know it is so hard xx

Message withdrawn

hurtwife it does get better

at the moment things are still raw and emotional
in time you will move on to a brand new life

I did, a lovely man took my 4 children on as his own and we have been together for 11 years

dont be afraid
and build up your confidence little by little
good luck sweetie
xxx

Another of these it does get better stories I'm afraid

Your relationship ends after a substantial amount of time,there's young children involved and whilst your left picking up the pieces and the day to day living,they're off living the life of riley.Not having to deal with the dc upset because Daddies not there anymore and the general grind of housework,school-runs and of course trying to mend your broken heart.
You find that with the functioning thing, just taking it literally one day at a time,and when you've made it through that day you'll feel you've achieved something.After a while(when the anger kicks in) you'll be in the frame of mind that you'll make him feel sorry for walking out on you all,anything to show him what he's missing.Eventually though you will get over it and realise you don't miss them quite as much anymore and think of the good points of being a lone parent.

And then of course one day you'llstart looking at men in 'that' way and if your really lucky like me you will find a GREAT guy who's the best thing that's ever happened to you,great with your kids and life's better than ever.And you realise that the relationship that you had with your ex was special because it gave you your dc but that the relationship in itself is not half as good as the one you have with your new guy.
As for the ex yes he's changed but you realise that he's changed in a way that you hate and you count your lucky stars that your not the woman on his arm anymore.

At the moment this will seem like a fairy-tale but in a few months (or slightly more) down the line you will think back and you'll see the first glimpses of this story start happening.But for now just concentrate on you and your dc and making life as easy for you all as you can to get over what you have lost.

Take care

Hurtwife - you do not need to hold on to hate for your children to see who's played which part in this story.

You do the best you can by them and I am sure they will see you are not the bad person in all this.

Being left with having to deal with everything is the very unfair bit of this. If those leaving had to take on a lot of washing, caring etc for the children it would be much easier and fairer.

hurtwife - I am sorry you have gone through this & understand how devastated you must be feeling.
I am in the middle of separating from my husband & I often feel a lot like you & lose it very easily with my children because I am so horribly stressed.
I try & surround myself with my friends as much as possible & make sure I try to have the odd night out, just to attempt to lift my spirits a bit.
I guess life will get better in time. Your life has been turned upside down & I'm sure atm that it just feels like you've been kicked in the stomach...but it's early days & I am sure life will get better for you in time & you will move on & find happiness again.
Take care.x

Thankyou all so much
I am feeling sligtly stronger now. today had to go to a lunch with all couples (it was to do with school). Is that a big enough small step. I just hate the way i feel that i want him to have a crap life and mine to be great.
I know deep down this is all for the best i will never have trust for him again and i must accept that it is dead and in fact he is not really such a great catch for anyone. unlike me who having lost 4 stone in weight and my only crime was to be the dutiful wife am a fantastic catch (well apart from the kids of course)!!
I am thinking that things will be better by the summer anyway as they really cant get worse.