He isn't very sexy anymore...

[cakestop2016]

DP and I have been talking marriage over the last couple of weeks and I've become a little worried that I'm going to be making a mistake...
DP is a nice man; we have a beautiful child together whom we both adore and we always knew that eventually we would marry. The time has come where life has settled down and money allows a wedding but I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.

Is it normal for you to find your partner/husband less attractive when children come along? I don't mean in terms of just looks either, I feel I've lost all admiration for him as a person.

Since DD has come along, I've found DP to be increasingly frustrating, stubborn, lazy and very complacent.
The problems are:
His lack of ambition or motivation for anyhing- he leaves tasks not done or incompleted, the same goes for his attitude at work. He's known as a bit lazy but gets away with it because he's 'nice' I'm starting to wish he had more zest for life.
-everything gets left to me unless I request help with it. I have to write him a list of little jobs most weekends before he'll unglue himself from the sofa. I find it annoying that he can't think for himself and have the decency to give me a bit of head space.
-He allowed his DM to wreak havoc after DD was born and I lost a lot of respect for him. Again, I had to take control of the situation and persuading him to back me up was a huge headache.
-he doesn't talk. Unless it's trivial. He actually talks all the time, loudly about gossipy stuff- things I've no head space for. Yet getting him to talk about finances, future plans or anything of any importance is an uphill struggle.

• personal hygiene. For some reason, since the birth of DD I've seen a decline in DPs personal hygiene. He's never been a morning person but would rather lie in bed for an extra 5 minutes than shower. In the evenings, he would prefer to watch an extra 5 minutes of netflix than clean himself
• he has no sex drive. Before DD sex wasn't fantastic, but it was OK. We are both a little tired now having a toddler but again, DP would rather stay up and watch Netflix rather than make love to me...
• he makes very little effort with our relationship and unless it's me planning date nights in date nights out nothing gets thought about or planned. He's bored of listening to me complain about his lack of effort and so am I.

I love DP, but not sure if I love him romantically enough to marry him. I miss the excitement of our relationship before DD came along but fear that DP has fallen into the habit of little effort. I have my faults too and he is kind to me in general (makes me a cup of tea, buys me flowers every week after getting into the habit of going to the shop every Friday on his way home from work) but that's just it. He operates on autopilot 90% of the time and I'm growing concerned that its just not enough for me. I need him to make more effort with thinking and trying to think for himself.
I can hear people asking why I decided to have a child with him in the first place. Because I once wanted to spend my future with him, he once made an effort and there was once more time for procrastination. Life changes with a little one and I don't feel he's kept up with those changes. He's a wonderful hands on father, but I'm worried it's not enough. I don't find his behaviours or attitude to things very sexy or pro-active, I find him draining.
Is this normal life-with-a-young-child-relationship-blues or should I be concerned that marrying him could be a mistake?

I think, apart from the hygiene issues, the fact you cannot have a decent conversation with him is a terrible sign.

Really think hard about this.

" kind to me in general (makes me a cup of tea, buys me flowers every week after getting into the habit of going to the shop every Friday on his way home from work)"

This is the bit that makes me think there is hope.

He will probably never be a go-getter, but if you make it clear what you need, he is willing and able to do things. It might only be habit, but if it's a habit, he'll stick to it.

Is he willing to take more responsibility if he knows what is needed? If you say something like "I want you to plan a date night on the first wednesday of every month" (or whatever) would he do it? Are you able to let go enough for him to do something, maybe not well, but that you don't have to think about? Or if he'd be really useless try 'shortlist 3 activities, we agree one, you book it / organise it'.

Rather than writing a bespoke list of jobs every weekend, can you give him a shorter list of things which is is wholly responsible for all the time, and set minimum parameters? Can you set a specific time every weekend, early in the day before he gets in a rut, when he does chores, and when he's done you do fun / relaxing stuff together or as a family.

This does put you in the position of having to be active to get it started, which I realise adds to your load in the short-term.

Don't marry him. You know the answer to all your questions because you are asking them in the first place, IYSWIM. Having to write a list of things to do, and manage him like that would kill it for me, much more than the lack of showering! I had a husband like that, and it completely wore me down.

What does he say or do when you try to address these issues? Have you told him that if they aren't addressed you will leave? Does he understand the seriousness of the situation?

We have talked briefly about this but he tends to go very quiet, I'm not sure he can deal with the very thought of us leaving but doesn't really contribute to the conversation other than " I disagree" or " well I'm happy."
Wuffle: I've done the list thing and given days and times that he can get his fair share of jobs done but to be honest, I found it all very demeaning and degrading to have to do that for him. I felt like his mother. I understand that once the list is done he can get on with it but no doubt it will soon be forgotten. Every time I have to act like his 'mother' it just chips away at me that bit more and leaves a bad feeling which I struggle to let go of.

People have said what their deal breakers would be. Perhaps I ought to list his good points to see if any could be deal makers?

• he's a hands on father. He never refers to himself as a 'babysitter' like I know some men do, he really throws himself in to being a Dad.
• He's very thoughtful sometimes. He's extremely good with present buying and even makes me lovely things out of metal and wood which I think is wonderful about him.

he's good with the insignificant daily stuff- so he will ask about my day, if the park was busy, what DD had for lunch etc, which is nice. he can cook (once he's in the kichen!) When he makes the effort he can be very romantic We share books and recommends books he thinks I'll enjoy reading he tells me I'm pretty

Are there grounds for a good relationship do you think? I know it's going to take some work. But there is a good man in there.

OP what this literally boils down to is if you love him enough to stay with him? You know him better than anyone and in the event that he did not change at all accept he may get worse, even the hygiene thing do you want to stay with him because you love him and for no other reason. The issues you outline would turn off a lot of people but you are in it and of it and it will look different to you. You can stay with a man that few others would, just because you love him, understand him and are prepared to accept him the way he is. If not (and I assume not because otherwise why have you posted) then you need to get your ducks in a row and separate kindly and with dignity and set up separate dwellings so you can co-parent successfully and be friends only. There are worse situations to be in. I assume you have said something about his hygiene? ie he knows you have issues about it but is choosing to ignore that because he is happy with himself the way he is

it's easier to rectify not getting married yet than to face a painful and costly divorce complete with childcare provisions further down the line. If you are not sure, do nothing, for now. The balance will tip one way or another soon, if you are not ready to work out what you need for yourself now, you are certainly not ready to get married...

If he's changed since you've met him, in fact if you both have, would couples counselling be an idea?

Another one suggesting couples counselling / therapy. But don't marry him now!

It sounds like there are definitely some positive qualities, but some real problems in terms of expectations about communication, and perhaps personality clashes. A bit of effort to see if things can be salvaged, could go a long way here.

If you are contemplating couples/marriage therapy and you are not even married to the bugger, its a bit grim OP. He knows how you feel, he either cannot change or refuses to. Either way not endearing is it? Separating doesn't have to be catastrophic. Handled well you could have a happy life and it may be the kick up the arse he needs to wash sort himself out. Sorry to sound harsh but he doesn't sound like he has an original thought in his head and that would be a turn off and a dealbreaker for me. Stay friends but separate if you really feel the way you do.

He does have good points (as do we all) but at the moment, compared to the negatives they don't sound enough to make a good marriage.

I think it is fairly normal to go through a rocky patch after having kids as you both adjust to a massive life change. Some couples come through it stronger, others don't make it. I would say don't marry him now, but definitely don't write off the relationship yet either!

I've done the list thing and given days and times that he can get his fair share of jobs done but to be honest, I found it all very demeaning and degrading to have to do that for him

Demeaning and degrading to him, not to you.

I'm surprised to see so many posts telling you to leave. He's good to you and you have DC together. At least give him a chance to sort himself out.

It sounds like the spark has gone, it's normal to find fault with your partner when you're not being satisfied sexually. But you can get it back. It's annoying that it'll be you who has to make the effort to do so, but one of you has to. And you might be surprised to find he doesn't think you're the perfect partner either.

I think starting with a good relationship self help book is the way forward. Mars and Venus in the bedroom is a good one.

I think you need to go to counselling together.

You aren't sure about leaving even though there are obviously big issues. But he cares about you and you both love your DD.

Go to counselling

So... I brought up the idea of relationship counselling. He laughed at me and said "talking you always want to talk and moan. Moan and be negative. You're not happy unless you're being negative"
whilst he was obviously feeling irritated I said "we'll it's either that or we separate because you can't be happy either. "
And he's for the first time he's admitted that he's not and that it's all because of my moaning and negativity. He says that we need to stop talking and just get on with things because I constantly want to talk apparently.
That went well.

Cake, when you seperate, he'll still be a dad, but you'll be free.

It sounds like you're fundamentally not suited.

Your toddler will still have a dad.

You need a mediator to help you negotiate the custody and the finances.

I don't think you'll have any trouble getting a partner who challenges you and makes you feel like you're in a team on the same page. You seem very positive and go getting!

Good luck with your life!

If he isn't even prepared to try and meet you halfway, then there seems little point. Certainly don't marry him.

If he's not prepared to do some hard work for the sake of your relationship and even chat through some of the issues your facing, your chances of a decent marriage are rubbishy.

Such a shame that he didn't want to talk and turned it all back on you. I don't think you just get on with it now. I think that way lies many, many years of unhappiness for you. Tbh, it doesn't sound like you are compatible as partners. Maybe it is time for you to move on from this. You can still parent well together even if you aren't living in the same house.

You are weighing up whether or not you should marry him. Has either of you proposed marriage or is it a kind of expected outcome - at some as yet unfixed time? I was just thinking that if and when he suggests it, that is your time to tell him why you don't think you can take that step. If he won't talk or listen ordinarily, he will (surely?) when he realises that his desired outcome is not shared by you.

I'd wait for a day or two, hopefully he'll raise it again, or it'll have time for it to so I in and got him to think as he's got some catching up to do now he's admitted to himself and you that he's also unhappy. If he doesn't raise the subject (which I doubt he will tbh)then say that you've both just been getting on with it up till now it's not making you happy enough to want to continue in that way, so unless you can both talk about what needs to change and the order of priorities for doing so, you're better off seperate g and you won't settle for this for the rest of your life.

I agree with others, give him a couple of days to think about what you've said. If he still isn't willing to go to counselling then he's telling you he won't ever take you seriously.
Every time you bring something important up about your relationship he'll say "you're negative and moaning". I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with some one like that.

you don't like him so don't marry him