Living with a weed smoker

[greenchilli]

Happy new year everyone.

So here's the deal: DH smokes weed (yes marijuana). He smoked it when I met him, so did I. But I was 18.

So anyway we were both in our early 20?s when we started seeing each other properly and have been together for 7 years now. We have one gorgeous DD who?s 2. He has smoked weed since we?ve been together while I grew out of it back in my early twenties and I had hoped he would too but he hasn?t. In fact he smokes a lot more now - every weekend and also some week nights. He says it?s because he works hard and long hours?which he does and earns lots of money to take care of us?though I now work full time and earn a decent amount too. But the thing is anything that remotely challenges him like which he sites as, me nagging, the state of society, race issues, blab bla bla any little thing, he says ?see that?s why I smoke?. Always so many excuses for why he has to smoke weed says it help him to deal with stress same way that I have a glass of wine most evenings. The reason I don?t like it is not because he acts particularly different when he?s ?buzzing? for want of a better word. He acts pretty normal it?s just really annoying because I don?t think it is something that a good father should do and it doesn?t fit into my image of a model father/husband so it really grates on me to see rizla papers, broken cigarettes and tobacco lying around the coffee table, near our child?s toys and other innocent paraphernalia. I know he can live without it because we lived overseas for a couple of years where he couldn?t get hold of any and he seemed fine (though we didn?t have dd back then so life may have been less stressful in his opinion.)

One thing I will say though is that he seems to have lost all interest in other activities (no not talking about sex - that?s fine) but he doesn?t really have hobbies whereas he used to play football on a Sunday and see more of his friends., he now spends his weekends in front of the telly watching football and movies or playing computer games upstairs. He does play games with our dd and he is a good father to her but really he kind of seems to fit us in around his rolling up and going outside in the garden to smoke. Then when he comes in from a smoke if I ask him to do anything he says I?m ?killing his buzz?. When I met him he was a much more dynamic individual these days he doesn?t do much except for go to work and reluctantly help with chores after some nagging (though we recently got a cleaner so my resentment has subsided in this department). I wish he would just cut down, I?m not asking him to give it up all together which I think is pretty lenient of me. I want him to not stay up till 3 am smoking while I?ve gone to bed. I want him to wake up early on Saturdays and Sundays and hangout with me a dd and perhaps even suggest something for us to do together once in a while rather than going along with my suggestions or not going along with them if he?s too ?tired?.

Does anyone else live with a weed smoker who is otherwise a good person? I need some advice. He has no intention of seeking outside help?he doesn?t even think he needs help though occasionally he does talk of giving it up, but I never believe him as he doesn?t stick to it. It?s not a massive problem but at the same time, me being an early bird, gym-going, housework-doing person who likes to get out of the house and away from the TV whenever possible I feel our lifestyle aspirations clash; we?re totally out of sync with him wanting to do as little as possible and me wanting to do more. Also an added side effect is that he eats late at night when he gets the munchies (how fucking teenage does that sound? he?s 32) and has gained about a stone- mainly in the midriff - over the last year or two. Sorry to go on but it?s a dirty little secret that I need to get off my chest, can?t really talk to friends about it as I don?t want them to think of him in a bad light and I couldn?t bear their pity. Likewise talking to family is out of the question.

Help somebody!! I still love him but we?re growing apart and resentment is building up in me.

Hi,
OK, how to tackle this question.......DH and I have both smoked the dreaded weed on and off for the last 10 years.I am now pregnant and he only does it on extremely rare occasions, but I can completely agree with all that you say.
As a weed smoker you become completely unable to fuction normally, and are not motivated in the least!!
He is obviously a good person that you love very much but he is addicted and will need some help to come off. But he needs to admit that it is a problem.
Perhaps he could cut down to weekends only and you could fill the "gap" during weekend evenings with other things (DH and I started to play cards, poker etc to pass the evenings)
He needs to understand exactly how you feel about his smoking, not that you want him to give up altogether (maybe in time though!!)

Seem to have been rambling here, hope it has been of some help.
Lou

PS - If he is going to skin up in the living room then a rule about clearing up after himself needs to be enforced - not good for kids to see this stuff

Unhelpful comment I know but do you not worry about the effects of his smoking on your dd's health? My understanding is that it is more carciogenic than normal tobacco.

Hey Loujay: thanks for feedback, will suggest rule of clearing up. Good idea!

Nothercules: He somkes outside as our home is smoke free so dd shouldn't be at risk. Would never tollerate that!! but thanks for concern

Hi, my DP is also a weed smoker. Probably the same amount if not more as your DH.
He does function normally and it doesn't stop him doing things though, is a great parent etc etc.
Realistically, you need to tackle him about staying up so late and not doing things.
If this happened to me, I really would feel resentful and have a go at him.
I don't smoke it myself, but because it doesn't interfere with our daily living I don't really have a problem with it.

So after he's had a smoke does he keep well away from her for what ever lenght of time is required for it to stop coming out of his breath?

I know I sound rude but couldnt live with my child breathing in smoke from someone elses breath and smelling of weed. For me that would be a large part of teh problem as well as the mental effects.

DOes it not limit your own life as well - I mean can you leave him in charge of her much?

test

OK, so the name change has worked. I'm a regular netter but have changed my name for this. DH and I both smoke weed on a reasonably regular basis. We are both professionals with full time careers, we are responsible parents and very active within our local community ie we are not stoned wasters who sit around in squalor chasing a buzz. I feel that it is possible to use cannabis in a way that enhances existence rather than erodes it.

However, I do think your dh has gone past this point and I think you are right to feel aggrieved and concerned. He needs to modify his use or risk a huge gulf opening up between you both. If he won't seek help then perhaps you could find a support group or counselling service that might advise you on how to move forward on this. I don't think hectoring him or arguing with him is going to do much good. A helpline or support group may be able to advise you of the best strategies to deal with him. My GP runs a group for family members of drug users so perhaps you could find something similar near you.

You are right to feel the way you do and I wish you luck in resolving this.

Why the name change if you think it is a good thing?

I too have no problem with a bit of weed but ths does sound out of hand.

I am just on my way out to work so this will be short

i too live with a badtempered weed smoker. he has many other qualities and i dont think it is a 'bad' as living with an alcoholic -but I hate it hate it hate it

no answers but you have my sympathy. I will pst more later

If he 'needs' it to deal with stress etc , it sounds like a problem.

I have the odd glass of wine but I don't 'need' it. If it got to that point I think I'd stop.

also smoking it with tobacco is a significan't risk for lung cancer (among others) and you don't want to live the life I've been living over the last few weeks. quitting something you like is hard, but no-where near as hard as coming to terms with the terminal illness of someone you love.

'Killing his buzz'? Oh, how irritating of you, I'm sure

I can't say I'm particularly enamoured of weed-smokers generally (and living with them is tedious in the extreme, ime/imo) but the odd bit now and again probably won't do too much harm. However, whilst I'm sure he's a nice enough chap in lots of other ways, he sounds like a stroppy teenager where this is concerned, not a 32-year-old husband and father.

If it's stopping him from participating fully in a normal family life, then it's a problem. What does he say when you tell him the way you feel?

name change because the fact that i smoke weed is incidental and has very little effect on my life and i don't want people who do not know me referencing what i have to say on other subjects against the fact that every so often I smoke a pipe filled with a little green plant.

Greenchilli: my DH smokes the odd bit - as I used to. At one point I felt it was too much, as once he's had a toke he's not really 'with' me for the evening any more - similar to if one of us is a bit pissed and the other isn't. He's agreed to only smoke on Friday and Saturday night and only have one small one in the evenings. I'm really happy with this.

With regards to it being on his breath, I'm 7 months pregnant, and he's not allowed near me for half an hour afterwards.

However, when I was younger I lived with a man who smoked so much it made him unable string a sentence together. He actually developed schizophrenia, and I have since read that there is some research to suggest that smoking to excess (which would vary from person to person) can bring out latent mental health problems. He was also incredibly paranoid.

Sorry to bang on. He sounds like he's behaving similarly to an alcoholic (afraid I have experience of that too), and will be bloody hard to get through to. Might be worth looking up some scary child-related health-facts on the web and presenting them to him.

I'll see if I can find any support groups through Google...

found this - hope it's helpful.

Greenchilli
I wouldnt be too concerned about dh developing a psychotic illness (like schizophrenia) unless he's starting to smoke really strong skunk, more and more and lots of behaviour changes. The prime time to develop psychotic illness is in the teens and early 20's, so he's probably past the danger zone, though its not unknown.

I'd echo what some others said, sounds like some limits on his use so he can function with you and dd at the weekends is the minimum you should expect.

There's a website that's a bit less judgemental called www.stonerlemmings.com.

green chilli are you asian by any chance, just wondering

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Hi greenchilli

My DP is also a weed-smoker. Our situations are a little different, in that he does want to stop, but is showing very little sign of actually trying to stop.

It doesn't matter what time of day it is, he smokes. 1st thing he does when he gets up. Last thing he does before bed.

I know what you mean about being unable to talk to RL friends.

He is a drug addict, and he (my DP) has admitted it, but won't do anything about it.

He sat down with me one eveing last year crying. Telling me he wanted to stop, but he needed me to help him. Of course I'll be there for him, but I can't do it on my own. He won't see the doctor, becase 1. He feels that if he admits it to someone else then it makes the addiction worse (or something like that), 2. He thinks we'll have the ds' taken from us. He won't go to an anonymous support group, because again, that's admitting it to others, and also he feels something like Narcotics Anonymous is only for Heroin/Crack addicts.

He's seems to have made no effort to stop. He still goes outside to smoke every few hours. It really does my head in. How can I help him if he won't help himself? We are also in serious debt because of his addiction (£9K credit cards, mostly cash withdrawls to buy drugs). I'm trying really hard to get them paid off. Sacrificing seeing my friends, while he's sacrificed nothing. He now has no cards, and I have to treat him like a child, giving him 'pocket' money. To be fair, he did shred the cards himself, I didn't have to force him, he just got up and did it without me saying anthing.

The money situation has forced him to 'cut down', but I want him to cut down through his own willpower IYSWIM.

I could sit here rambling forever about it, (I probably already have, but it's good to be able to be open about it with people who understand where coming from).

Like I say, our situations are different becasue your DH hasn't admitted his addiction, and that's the 1st step, probably the biggest step. But you really do need support too. I think that's what I find really tough, is lack of support becasue I can't talk about it.

I'm going to have a look at the link from booboo now. Definately get him to do all his skinning up, and keep all the crap away from dd though. Good luck.

I used to be engaged to someone who had a spiralling weed habit - eventually he became a virtual recluse who sat in front of the TV or playstation smoking or rolling the next one. He had no ambition and never wanted to go anywhere. He was bad tempered in the morning until he'd had one. I didnt want to marry him or have children with him so told him to give up weed or lose me. He lost me. My brother has a similar problem and I really feel for my SIL.

If he doesnt change I think you will continue to grow apart - does he know how this is affecting you?

boobooma: am slightly surprised that you referred to the site I linked to as judgmental. It contains standard guideline advice for people who want to help their loved-ones to face up to a problem with addiction.

This is something I know a lot about (wish I didn't), and I wouldn't have posted on this thread if that were not the case.

i thought the two booboo's were one and the same . both sites are good i feel.

MidnightToker was a namechange and I completely understand why because she doesn't want this brought up every time she says something on here. But I thought I'd be brave and admit that yes I too am not adverse to a bit of a smoke.

In the same why dh and I are also active members of our community, he has a very full-on job and I am a SAHM. We do not sit around semi comatose skinning up in front of our children. I do get cross about the reactions some people have about canabis - alcohol is a far worse drug. You do not get aggressive canabis users etc.

We are the sort of people who will smoke it if there is some in the house (only at night, never when the dc's are around). We did find a while ago that it had got a bit out of hand and it had become a nightly habit, so we didn't get any for a few months. The first few days it was hard because we'd got used to the habit of it, but after that it was fine. Occassionally we get some, but rarely now as there are often other priorities financially.

It sounds to me like you need to talk to your dh, in exactly the way you've posted on here. Non judgemental, not telling him what to do, not asking him to give up, but telling him how it makes you feel. Has he found the transition into fatherhood hard? My dh is the best husband and a great father, but he found it hard to move onto this phase of life in social terms ie. no more clubbing, lots more staying in. our oldest is 7 and he's got used to it now (mostly) but it was something he found hard and the pot smoking may be his way of hanging on to a previous life.

Ok, I'm now getting ready to be judged.