What is counselling supposed to be like?

[Miso104]

I have had yet another bad experience with a counsellor. I'm beginning to wonder if my expectations of what counselling should be like are wrong. This one didn't say anything, just let me ramble on until I felt awkward and then we sat in an even more awkward silence while the clock ticked. I eventually made my excuses and left. Cried all the way home. I thought they were supposed to help you focus your thoughts and explore your feelings? Am I wrong?

Having read all the replies I think my experience must have been CBT.

I was set 'homework' to do some weeks, like writing timelines for past events, identifying my 'rules & assumptions', challenging myself to leave my comfort zone (to me, my comfort zone was always being under pressure, the thought of having to sit and relax and just 'be' made me anxious and stressed).

We also looked at how I interacted with friends & family and how my upbringing affected my current state, and I was able to identify new strategies for how my life had changed.

My time with my psychologist was about 18 months in total - started with weekly appointments for about 6 months and then switched to monthly check ins for about a year.

I have bi polar as well as anxiety, and when I was referred to the psych it was because I had started to tip over into a breakdown after years of living too close to the edge.

There was a lot of times where I just talked & cried as well though and she just listened.
I think I was very lucky to have found someone who was a very good fit for me, and who was also very good at what she did.
She's set me up with some good strategies and thought processes for my future life.

matthew, using the term "re-programming" is both emotive and inaccurate. There is no brain-washing going on. In simple terms - a CBT therapist listens to a client describing an issue, examines with them their belief, their reaction, their response and enables them to understand the existing behaviour and to change this to something more positive and valid. How that qualifies as "re-programming" is beyond me.

The NHS restricting free counselling to 6 weeks is a problem and limits what can be achieved - by CBT or by any counselling modality. The high number of returns you refer could probably be attributed to this one reason.

summerlovinf's point of 'use it, or lose it' is very valid. Counellors don't fix their clients, it is a joint process and one in which the clients have to actively participate.

Hm, this is all looking much more complex a transaction than I thought it would be and it probably explains why I'm not getting what I want or need out of the counsellors I've seen so far. I had to admit, the idea of becoming such an informed client on what I need is exhausting. I think I was just hoping I could simply get some help to get me through a crisis.

CBT will get you through a crisis - even limited to 6 weeks, should be enough to be helpful. Key is finding a therapist you feel comfortable with and trust, whatever the modality.

I'm worried about seeking CBT as it feels too ... 'Fix this' like if you have a broken arm. My issues are complex than just the here and now. And no one has yet reassured me that there isn't any pressure point tapping involved.
That said, I can probably only afford 4 more sessions of therapy so I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything that can help in that time and perhaps I'm best to leave things?

There's no pressure point tapping involved in CBT and it's not a 'fix this' therapy. It is goal-oriented and works on specific issues that you bring, but the therapist should also be using their skills to listen to you as a person. You could look at the book 'Mind over Mood' by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky if you want a self-help type book that uses CBT tools.

There are other short therapies, like Solution Focused Brief Therapy that aim to help within a very short number of sessions.

Is it normally the case that the pressure of finding someone to work with as a counsellor actually adds to your anxiety and stress? Every time I try to look for someone I just get completely disheartened, feel more anxious and give up. I keep assuming it won't work out with anyone because it's not worked so far and I should just not try.

I don't know...I was lucky in that I got referred to a CBT therapist through work and I found her excellent to work with. I'm now training to be a therapist myself and I've had 3 clients so far (fully supervised) all of whom have said they found the therapy useful and beneficial (and they all brought me chocolates and cards at last sessions so proud!)

The service I work for is voluntary and clients give a donation if they feel they want to and can afford it. Referrals are from the GP or direct.

Hopefully there's something similar near where you live. You could ask your GP for a referral or recommendation?

I feel like I'd be wasting my GPs time tbh. I just know I would get the 'go on the happy pills' chat as it's quicker, cheaper and easier than the cost of counselling. I think they would only refer you for counselling if you were suicidal.
And you must be good Summerlovin. I can't imagine feeling like that about a counsellor. The ones I've seen so far have made me feel much much much worse than when I arrived. The last thing I would be giving them would be presents!

NICE guidelines recommend CBT or other talking therapies before antidepressants for many conditions including mild or moderate depression. If you tell your doctor you want referred then s/he should be happy to do so. If waiting times are too long they may recommend somewhere you can approach directly. Good luck X

Its hard to find a therapist, in my opinion!

I've had CBT (the standard 6 sessions offered by the NHS) and the therapist was lovely, we clicked etc - but we worked out pretty quickly that CBT wasn't the right intervention for me at that time, and I was 'referred' for psychotherapy, but then told it wasn't available on the NHS and I would need to go private.

Unfortunately private therapy was utterly shit for me. It took ages to find someone, and after 4 painful months I just couldn't bear it anymore. She barely said a word and I left every session feeling I had just rambled on and reached no conclusions at all. I would drive home in tears after each session, hoping that this was somehow 'cathartic' and 'part of the process', but eventually I had to admit to myself and the therapist that it just wasn't helpful.

I then got a recommendation for another therapist from a friend. I managed almost a year with this therapist, but found it very, very hard going. I also found the exit strategy bit hard going, as I felt both therapists wanted to categorise me as 'resistant' to therapy when I decided I didn't want to come anymore. Actually, it was that I found it extremely unsettling and destabilising to spend an hour a week pouring my heart out with no real feedback except silence, the occasional nod and the very occasional 'it sounds like you found that difficult' (no shit, Sherlock).

Its tough, because people say 'just keep going until you find a therapist that clicks' but when you are in crisis or feeling vulnerable or whatever, its not that easy. You have to research them, ring them up, go for an assessment appointment and tell someone you're whole background etc....all on the off chance that it might end up being helpful. Emotionally draining! I gave up on therapy in the end because of that .

Worth a chat to your GP, though, OP. Not all GPs go to 'happy pills' straight away. My GP practice prefer to refer for talking therapies before prescribing meds if possible.

Your experiences sound very much like mine. I am finding the process of therapy very unsettling and I'm wondering whether it is just part of the process or actually it isn't working for me. I'm not trying the psychotherapy nodding dog approach again. Definitely very unhelpful.
I'm really reluctant to go to my GP. Apart from taking away an appointment from someone with something more pressing, they know me and my family too well. I wouldn't feel comfortable going in there and saying 'I'm falling to pieces'

Also, doesn't your GP just refer you to any old counsellor they work with, rather than a particular type of counsellor which might be right for your needs?