What is counselling supposed to be like?

[Miso104]

I have had yet another bad experience with a counsellor. I'm beginning to wonder if my expectations of what counselling should be like are wrong. This one didn't say anything, just let me ramble on until I felt awkward and then we sat in an even more awkward silence while the clock ticked. I eventually made my excuses and left. Cried all the way home. I thought they were supposed to help you focus your thoughts and explore your feelings? Am I wrong?

I've had 5 counselors. Four of them were varying degrees of bad (or maybe just bad for me ), and my current one is wonderful (or wonderful for me).

It's just like any relationship: some you'll click with, some you won't.

It's a good idea to tell a new counselor what you expect from sessions, then ask them how they plan to conduct sessions, and see if there's a match.

I also start each session by telling my counselor what issue I'd like to examine with her that day, and why.

They're there for you. You are always free to ask for what it is you need from them.

I have had counselling like you describe and also found it just wasn't for me. I am now in the middle of a course of CBT, which is awesome and really helping. I have realised that personally I need someone to do stuff with me and push me a bit.

I do mine online using instant messenger and it is great. It helps me feel much more in control and I love sitting on my own bed with a cat by my side rather then sitting in an unfamiliar room with a stranger.

Try taking some time to find out about different types of counselling and think about what you need to be comfortable. There are a lot of different options, it can just take time to find the one that works for you.

I've confirmed to the person I had been seeing that I don't wish to continue. I now have to find a new counsellor. Any advice on how to assess their suitability for me?

Decide what you want from a counselor:

• What issues do you want to examine with them?
• What is your goal in entering therapy?
• Are there any particular techniques you want to use (eg. CBT)?

Then tell this to the ones you meet, and ask them how they will be able to meet your needs.

I did this for my therapist when I first met her and she was very pleased, as it meant we didn't need to spend a session or two casting around for why I was there and what I wanted from her. And it means she could honestly assess whether she was right for me, and in turn explain to me how she could meet my needs.

I would suggest looking for a counsellor who is trained and uses a variety of techniques (I know most fall naturally into one method but being able to use other methods is important)

When you get in touch explain what you found difficult/unhelpful about your other counsellors. If you have an idea of how you would like sessions to be structured (I can't never think that far ahead) then ask if that is possible. If you struggle talking over the phone or explaining what you want verbally contact them via email.

Don't be afraid to contact a few and choose the get the best 'gut' feeling about. In my experience you need to click with a counsellor for it to work well.

I offer a free initial session for just this reason.
Many counsellors do and it gives you both a chance to see if you can or want to work together.
It also gives me the chance to make a working agreement with my clients, something that I don't believe a client should pay for.
Decide what you want from counselling before you see/talk to your counsellor and make sure that you both are involved in making a working agreement (also referred to as a contract by some counsellors).

I think it is like most jobs - there are good and bad everywhere. I had one counsellor that made me feel worse and focused on something that wasn't actually the issue. I came out crying every time and in the end he even said, I don't think we are getting anywhere here. I really hope he left as could do some real damage to someone less 'robust' (for want of a better word) than me.

I'd suggest you email several people (use the BACP website to search for people by area of expertise) and ask them about their experience with the issues you're having, and what is their normal approach.

From their replies you should be able to narrow down to a few who you think would work, from there you can either arrange a short initial session, or maybe do a phone "interview" with them.

Bear in mind you're engaging a professional in a service here, so you should ask questions to be sure you're getting the right person, just like you would if you were asking someone to build you an extension or tutor your child. Nobody will get annoyed with you for trying to find a good match.

I have had bad experiences with counselling but brilliant experiences with psychotherapy. They are not the same thing at all. If counselling has not worked for you, consider a more structured form of psychotherapy to deal with your issues.

For me the difference was, counselling looked at what I was feeling and why, whereas psychotherapy actually looked at what was causing the problem I was having (loneliness) and how to develop strategies to improve it, and it did actually fix the problem to a significant extent.

Have you tried CBT? This is much more guided than what you describe and what is typical of PCT and so on. CBT counsellors will usually explore goals with you in early sessions and at each session there is an agreed agenda. Having said that, I'm sure there are variations in quality of CBT too. I think part of it, and this is borne out in research too, as well as what others have said, is finding a therapist that you feel comfortable with. What Rogers called 'Core Conditions' are very important irrespective of the modality of therapy.

I completely empathise. Had it not been for having 2 wonderful counsellors I would be thinking the same as you after the last 2. The 2 wonderful counsellors I've had were with a charity called Mind. Both women used a range of techniques, listened, contributed, helped me make sense of things. I gained a great deal.

However I suffer with recurrent depression which comes back every few years so I've felt reluctant to use the free service that Mind provides (although I do make a monthly donation the waiting list is huge) so I decided to pay privately. What a mistake that was.
I've seen 2 private counsellors and both were pretty crap. The second I've carried on seeing as she was better than the first but seems to talk too much and usually shapes the conversation to whatever she thinks we should talk about rather than what I feel I need to. She also forgets to carry things through and will start an activity and not complete it. Try to search for a closely monitored charity based counselling service or even a paid service that monitors it's staff. I feel there are far too many private counsellors taking advantage of vulnerable people. The first private counsellor I paid for gave me a load of unhelpful, unsolicited advice and dominated the conversation entirely. It was blooming awful. Don't give up. There are good ones out there

If you choose a counsellor or therapist that is qualified, is a member of one of the professional associations and/or is accredited then they will be required to have regular supervision and reflect on their own practice. This provides a level of quality control.

Summerlovin: from experience, the level of supervision that private counsellors get is nowhere near enough. Both my counsellors with Mind had weekly meetings with a supervisor which in my opinion, made a huge difference

Meant to say *weekly face to face meetings with a supervisor

In terms of assessing suitability:
Anyone who doesn't contribute and makes you feel awkward is a no no.
Anyone who dominates the conversation and doesn't let you say what you want to is a no no.
Anyone who offers unwanted advice is a no no.

I knew the last lady I saw at Mind was fantastic by the end of my first session because she seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and then at the end explained why I may have been feeling the way I'd been feeling, how my feelings may had linked to certain events etc. She explained that she understood how I was feeling and that it was OK. For a first session, it was all I needed. I felt that she was completely on my page from the word go.

I don't disagree and I think going via MIND is probably a good option. BABCP has strict requirements for regular supervision based on number of therapeutic hours undertaken. I think most of the more reputable associations do.

Thanks all for your constructive input in helping me with this. I think it's really useful to hear the range of types of counselling available and that it helps to know what you are looking for. I'm wondering if I have previously misunderstood CBT. I thought it was that thing where you tap pressure points when you feel anxious and I'd ruled it out on that basis (just not my thing) Is that not it?

cakestop2016 counsellors who are members of the BACP are required to have X numbers of hours supervision for every X number of hours they counsel, so it's likely both had the same amount of supervision. If you are finding a big difference between the private counsellors and the Mind counsellors, it's more likely to be that Mind have a particular ethos that their counsellors must work within. As it sounds like that ethos works for you, have you asked whether your Mind counsellors have private practices? Most will, as working for charities is carried out on a voluntary basis to build up experience and they will need to balance this with earning a living.

I had a similar experience with a counsellor who did the silence thing. It didn't work for me at all. I felt like I was oversharing with a disinterested stranger. CBT, as I understand it, is about retraining your brain, which is particularly helpful if you have anxiety. I am thinking about looking at it myself. It has become very popular because it seems to be what is available on the NHS< and this is likely because it is very solution focussed.

The vast majority of counsellors at my local Mind fortunately get paid for the work they do. I know that counsellors who work for Mind in other areas don't so they could possibly have private practices.

I recall from my training that a key aspect of initial sessions is assessing what resources each client has personally and establishing what other support systems they may have in place, or available to them. You need to know these two things so that you can proceed at a pace which the client can handle. Leaving a client vulnerable at the end of a session is a major no-no.

Wow cakestop, how lucky are they. I found it hard to even get voluntary charity placements in my area, let alone paid gigs.

CBT is concerned with thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It focusses in the here and now and looks to support clients in understanding how they are affected in the present day and in finding solutions to deal with their issues. There is a mis-conception that CBT does not consider the past, it does where it's relevant, and it looks for ways of coping in the present and for the future. CBT is used for clients with anxiety. It is also recommended by NICE guidelines for many other presenting conditions including depression, anger issues and so on.

CBT is a cognitive therapy which attempts to "re-program" your brain as you would a computer with faulty software. this is the simplest way to describe CBT.
It is very affective for things like phobias and certainly has a place in therapeutic counselling.
However, it also has the highest rate of clients returning for therapy due to the same original issues.
It is widely used in the NHS, but a large part of the reason for this is financial; CBT treatments usually last 6-8 weeks, whereas other therapies cannot give an accurate estimate for their length.
It often deals with the resulting condition (although this is not always a permanent "fix") and does not deal with the cause of the condition.
For this to be dealt with more in-depth therapy may be better, such as one of the Humanistic therapies.
At the end of the day it is up to the client to choose what they feel is right foe them.
Checking out the BACP website may be helpful.

I think there are some common mis-perceptions about CBT reproduced in your post, Matthew, from the treatment duration (can be anything - it's NHS or certain services that might specify 6 - 8 weeks, I'm seeing clients for 12 usually at the moment - it's true we do aim for there to be a set length of therapy with achievable goals in that time), to the fact that it doesn't deal with the cause of the condition - err....it does...and we seek to look for ways to deal with how the condition is manifest in the here and now as well as helping client understand the origins of the problem. True, if you're restricted to 6 sessions then there is a limit to what you can do, but that goes for any modality. As with any behavioural change, clients need to practice new habits and techniques both for their original presenting issues, and for other issues that arise in their lives. If they do, CBT techniques are very effective. If they don't then they might fall into old habits again - it's a bit like having a personal trainer for a while and then the person organising their own fitness training - it's easier to stick at it with a trainer to remind you.