I am a regula poster but have changed my name, so if you know me PLEASE don't out me.
This is long so i will understand if passed by just needed to let it out.
I am so unhappy and i only really have me to blame, i met my hubby when we were both very young, we were each others first and we got married and had two lovely children.
The problem is me, i grew up in a family without my dad, my mother's mother banned him from the house, he was a drunk and they were not married, he was around but died when i was still only a child.
My mother and grandmother took every chance to tell me how i was a mistake, unwanted, stupid (im dyslexic)and ugly, i grew up with no sence of worth and no self esteem. I was bullied at school and so just kept to myself and tryed to avoid school as much as possible, got no O or A levels and ended up in jobs i never really liked but was never going to be the pathologist or vet i had always wanted to be.
The only person who has ever loved me for me is my soon to be ex hubby. My family (although very close in somethings) are very demanding and every week there is a different crisis, hubby found it hard that i was always rushing off to help with what ever was wrong now.
My sister has had a lot of problems and my mother has had a few breakdowns. Hubby says he was never put first and i know he is right, but at the time i always thought that if i could just sort out my family then they would love me and be happy and if they were happy then i could be happy, i now see i will spend the rest of my life like this and no one will love me, but now its too late.
Hubby and i started to exhist and not really do anything, our eldest child has SN and the youngers is just a handfull, im a very bad mom, i shout at my children all the time, and i know i will make them the same as me, DS1 is being bullied at school, is withdrawn and cross all the time and DS2 is always having a tantrum about something, they only have to be in the same room as each other to fight and take no notice of me at all.
Hubby and i were always shouting at each other or them and no matter what i did i felt so alone, i chucked out all the fizzy drink and crap and begged Hubby to help me reinforce the rules of bed time home work ect, i felt so alone and no matter how hard i tried i was always wrong, i had to make all the phone calls i had to go to all the Dr.s and hospital appointments i had to make all the desicions and i could not do it alone i needed help. At the same time my mum (who i get on much better with now sinse i had the kids and who is the goddess of babysitters) under minds me all the time, i say no kids go to nanna.
All this time Hubby and me just grew apart everything was a battle, and as for a sex life we had none, although i have never really needed or wanted much in the way of sex (not wanting to go in to too much detail but i was molested when i was about 10).
Hubby likes sex and is in to porn big time, would have mags, videos,dvds then we got internet.
I felt degraded that he would watch these things then want to do them to me, i wanted less sex as i was hurt, he watched more porn, i was more hurt, more rows, porn got worst, family always wanting something, kids always fighting,no money,all the desicions down to me, ENOUGH.
Enter a friend of ours who we have known for 5 or so years, we get on well i talk to him and its nice to have a conversation about everything and nothing, hes younger the me and i tend to mother him a bit, as hubby goes out with his friends i go out with mine and we talk and laugh and i tell him how sad i am how bad things are and he can see for himself. He listens i flirt with him abit and i feel 26 and like im fun to be with and i like the feeling. I want to feel like this, but the same time im a married woman, so i tell hubby i think i have feelings for xxxx and hubby does not care, i spend 18 months in a hell of not knowing what i want as my friend has fallen for me and wants me to be with him, part of me wants to but part of me wants to be with hubby, i beg hubby to go to relate with me, he wont, i beg him to tell me what he wants he wont, all he says is its up to yuo, my friend paints a picture of support and fun and a life with out all the stress i have, all i do is hurt everyone and in the end without even meaning to i leave hubby.
My friend get a bigger house and in to debut and we plod on, and i love him i really do but with out hubby i am nothing i am sad, hubby is still looking at and lying about the porn, and its getting worse, all i have done is hurt people and let people down, my new partner wants to marry me and i dont know what i want, i ask hubby why he never said he wanted me to stay and he said because i did not love you enough at the time.
I know i have done wrong, i know i have hurt people, i know i cant make it right.
My sons get on well with my partner but really want to go home, i don't fit in to his world at all he is very smart his parents and sister all have phd's half the time i have no idea what they are talking about, i feel he should be with someone worthy and have all the things he should have, engagements, weddings his own kids, i know if i leave him he will be deverstated as he REALLY loves me but i feel so alone and prussered.
I wish i could turn back the clock.
If you have got to the end of this thank you, and i am sorry for being so pathetic.