Struggling to cope with my baby and feeling so angry

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I don't know if this is PND but I'm at breaking point. He's 7months and still wakes every 2hours all night and is up at 5am. Often he's awake from 3am. He seems to grizzle all day and wants constant attention. DH tries to help but works full time so by the time he gets home baby is in bed.

I feel so trapped and unhappy. Today he's been whinging and crying all morning and I don't have the energy to take him out again. We have 2flights of stairs and the pram is so heavy and I'm so tired. And when I get to the bottom I have to put him on the floor to assemble it. I'm recovering from flu and now DH has it so no help for a few days.

I get so angry I go into another room and cry, punch walls, kick furniture, scratch myself, sometimes tear out clumps of my hair.

I just want some sleep. I can't be bothered to eat, by the time I've made something he's crying again. I keep making a sandwich then throwing it in the bin because I don't want it. I feel sick all the time.

Last week DH took him for a day and it was bliss. I met a friend and we went shopping. I felt like myself again.

I love my son intensely but I can't cope with life at the moment. DH says I just have to cope, that millions of women cope with this all over the world. I feel like I'm failing. He gets angry if I say I can't cope or complain too much.

How do I get through this?

Sweetheart you are amazing and this is not normal behaviour for a baby. Please invest in a stretchy wrap sling (i hated the notion of babywearing but my reflux baby has forced me to take drastic measures) and I promise your child will be more at peace - at least some of the time.

Also, please demand a paediatric referral from you'd gp. Don't take no for an answer and make sure the doctor makes it an urgent referral. Then contact the con's secretary and cry for a cancellation. You'll get one

We did sleep training (gradual retreat) with Millpond at that age and it was, by far, the best £275 I've ever spent. I was so so so angry & tired before.

One other non-mumsnet-approved suggestion - are you baby led weaning? Because we were and it seemed to be going great (DS reached for food & gobbled away, and was still breastfeeding on demand) he just wasn't getting enough in. We started spoonfeeding as well and he was like a baby bird, just wolfing it down. I know breast milk is more nutritious than food at that age, but that's how it went for us.

Oh yes, and I lost 10kg in the six weeks he didn't sleep despite trying desparately to eat. It isn't survivable. At least, it wasn't for me. And DS was a cheerful soul during the day and DP was great at weekends but away during week.

Have you contacted Home-start uk to see if they have a local volunteer who could help you? Also local church groups, our parish often provide lots of volunteers to help mothers and care for the baby while they shower and/or nap.

I think you need a range of solutions, not just going to the GP although hopefully that will help.

Aww sorry to hear that you feel so down & like you are failing, it's awful when you are knackered, have loads of things to do & your baby just screams non-stop. I think everyone has bad days.

I'm a single mum, I have no support unit at all. My daughters dad was a horrible bastard & wished us both dead whilst I was pregnant, he is now pretending she doesn't exist - definitely better off without that waste of space. My daughter started teething at about 6 weeks old & we can have days where it hardly bothers her & then other days she screams non-stop. I have literally tried everything to settle her down but nothing seems to work, by the end of the day I just want to curl up & die because I'm so drained. I apologise to my neighbours whenever I see them, luckily they understand & I think they are just being nice when they say they hardly hear her. Anyway, about 3 weeks ago my daughter got a cold so this on top of teething was never going to be fun but I didn't expect it to be as bad as it was. I had 2 & a half weeks where she cried all day & night, her nose was constantly blocked so if she did fall asleep for an hour she woke up screaming, you could hear how bad her chest was & her temperature kept going through the roof. I felt so sorry for her but at the same time I was desperate for some peace. I suffer with migraines so her screaming wasn't helping with that much either. I took her to the doctors to be told it was just a cold & was given a list of things to do (which I had already been doing). Then at about the two week point, I had a complete meltdown - I was sat on my kitchen floor sobbing, I felt like the worlds worst mum, she was in her Moses basket screaming her head off & in that moment I contemplated killing myself. I don't know how I stopped myself but I remember thinking that I couldn't leave my gorgeous precious little girl all alone, the thought of someone else bringing her up hurt me so much, I got up, dried my eyes & went back through smiling, singing nursery rhymes & giving her loads of cuddles again. If anyone had walked in at the moment they wouldn't of known that 5 minutes before I had been sobbing & contemplating death. I was struggling though, for about 3 or 4 days after that I just lived on redbull so I had the energy to deal with her, then I had another meltdown, for the first time in over 2 weeks I had enough time to make myself some proper food as she was sleeping but being so sleep deprived & weak/shaky from not eating & living off energy drinks I dropped the plate at which point I completely flipped. I smashed the plate up, punched a wall so hard that I dented it smashed my phone up & then stormed off upstairs slamming all the doors as I went. I sat on the bed & sobbed again, I didn't think I could keep going. That night I got a message from my best mate who lives 4 hours away, he wanted to check in on me & the baby because he hadn't heard from me for over a week, normally we talk a few times a week. I told him everything & the next day he turn up at my door. He took over with my daughter for a few days so I could rest a bit more & he was just there for me which is what I needed. My gorgeous girl is now over the worst of the cold & is thankfully sleeping through the night again & I'm feeling so much better in myself. It was the lowest I have ever been in my life, I never want to get that bad again.

I'm sure it is just a rough patch you are going through but you should definitely seek help. Hope you get through it soon & please don't ever think you are going to fail, you have a child who loves you & they may cry & stress you out sometimes but you are still the only person they want Good luck xx

Don't forget if you desperately need someone to talk ti call the Samaritans (they have been a lifeline for me a number of times). Also have you contacted your mid-wife or health vistor and told them how much you are struggling?

God that sounds awful

Are you breastfeeding? Sorry if I missed it. If you are, would you consider formula for feeds in the evening? It might help him go for longer overnight and at least your husband can do some feeds. How's he feeding otherwise? I presume you're weaning?

Can you take him out in a sling? The pram issue sounds like something you can't carry on with. Are you in a flat? Is there a way you could leave the pram at the bottom of the stairs?

As another poster said, this is an emergency. It is. When you are literally tearing your hair out you need help, now. See your GP and your health visitor. It isn't really normal for a 7mo baby to wake every two hours.

First of all, you ARE coping. You are caring for your baby in very difficult circumstances, and now you are here - asking for the support that you need.

Here are some of the things that helped me to survive, when I was struggling similarly:

• Homestart. A brilliant charity staffed by down-to-earth, practical and non-judgemental volunteers. You can self-refer and it's totally separate from Social Services, who would not know you were getting help unless there was a safeguarding issue.

• Seeing my GP/self-referring to my local Wellbeing Service. If you have PND, the sooner you start treatment, the sooner things will get better.

• Getting a cleaner. Very expensive, I know. I spent my entire disposable income on this for about 18 months and it was worth it. Similarly, getting DH to take charge of getting the shopping in and cooking evening meals.

• Bottle-feeding, if you are not already doing so. Made my life immeasurably better. Yes, breast is best, but not at any cost. Formula is safe, nutritious and perfectly adequate IMO.

• Sleep training. I did this at about 7 months, following the practices recommended by Richard Ferber in Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. Not fun, but absolutely worth it.

• Getting a part time job at the weekend. Only for 4 hours, but I get out early and use it as an excuse to stay out for the whole day. I do my hair and makeup, put on a nice outfit and then after work I take myself out for coffee.

• Found that singing really helped me to calm down when I could feel the anger/anxiety getting the better of me. Sometimes it even calmed DD too! If I could struggle to the end of Twinkle Twinkle, then I'd almost always feel a little better. It's like a form of mindfulness/breath control.

• Remember that parents come into their own at different stages. Some parents struggle with the baby stage, others really struggle with teenagers, or find pre-teens/toddlers really challenging. Just because things are tough now, doesn't mean you won't be loving every minute in a few years time.

• Oh, and a message a friend had written in a card when DD was born - 'the sleepless nights don't last forever, but the love does.' Cheesy, but thinking about it really comforted me at low points. It does get, much, much easier - and sooner than you think!

Sorry it's such a long post. Hope some of it helps.

I don't think you have PND, you just sound exhausted.

Could you find a nursery or childminder for a few hours a day to catch up on your sleep?

Thanks everyone.
to all the other mums who are struggling.

My HV comes every few weeks, but I haven't told her about the self-harm or anger. She says to let him cry in cot until he goes back to sleep, and only give him water, but he just screams and screams and by 2am I'm so desperate for an hour of sleep I end up feeding him to sleep.

My DH has offered me 1 weekend day a month to myself, which should help. He also takes DS off my hands for a few hours at weekends and the rest of weekend we do things as a family or I take DS so DH can relax after his week at work. He's very stressed in his job and feels he needs more downtime than me due to high-stress job. He thinks I get all the perks as I'm not chained to an office and can go out and about with DS, see friends etc. Which is true in some ways, but I'm on still on-duty.

I have a wrap sling and Ergo but he's getting heavy and kicks and wriggles a lot in them, then cries to come out.

We're doing baby-led weaning as well as purées. He has fruit and rice puree for breakfast, veg puree for lunch and some things to chew on, dinner is bread soaked in casserole/stock or potato with puréed meat.

Will look into HomeStart

Barbarian- the reason I say it is he sounds just like my 7 month old DS2. It is wearing, but I don't try to tear my hair out or scratch myself, so I wondered if perhaps OP might have some PND

Another suggestion:

Get a light-weight fold-up pram. It will make it much easier to get out and about.

You also have a high-stress job, OP...

I'm not here to knock your husband, but it does sound as though he hasn't fully realised the scale of what's required from him. He works 5 days away from the home and you work 5 days (AND nights) in the home: you both work! So surely you are both entitled to the same amount of downtime at the weekends? Yes, there are perks to being a SAHP, but there are also perks to going to work: one gets training and support, respect and validation for one's labour, a greater degree of financial autonomy, intelligent conversation with other adults, etc. Not to mention breaks, sick cover, holidays and a decent pension!!

Sorry to rant...

Can you hire some sort of baby sitter during the day to stay with the child so you can sleep?

Also "he has offered me one weekend day off per month." Fuck that! You get one weekend day off PER WEEKEND - tell him that is how it is going to be.

I would start the baby on formula so the father can do equal feeding, book a hotel and have a two-night, two-day weekend to myself in the next couple of weeks. Sleep, take hot baths, read, etc. and rejuvenate yourself.

I agree it should be one day off every weekend. Even if you are both in the house, he should look after the baby. You are BOTH parents after all.

I kept my DD up and she didn't go to bed until we did. If I didn't, DH would only have vet seen her awake at weekends.

I'd do a last feed at 11:30 then we'd all go to bed. She'd wake at 4:30 for a feed then get up at 8:30. If she slept too much in the day then she'd not sleep at night so the daytime sleep and activity would get adjusted accordingly.

However, I realise I was very lucky with her and I realise you probably just want to kill me for it! Even so, it's worth considering if later to bed and less daytime sleep would make for better nights for everyone. It may not, but I thought it worth sharing just in case.

I really hope you get some rest soon as you sound exhausted

Luckiest nice one saying "it's in your head" - kick the OP when she's down ffs.

OP: you must must must get in touch with your GP/HV soonest. This sounds like an incredibly tough situation and this is not normality; no matter how difficult baby is the day to day hyper stress you are under is simply too much for one person to bear.

Also: are you in touch with your local Sure Start children's centre? Mine has been pretty helpful and they're good for practical support and advice.

Re: your DH - one day off in 31 is not enough. At all. My DP works full time and travels with work and takes one "nightshift" in the working week and takes the majority of tasks at the weekend. He does need to wise up.

Sleep deprivation and stress breed the worst kind of anxiety. That then prevents you from sleeping. It's a nasty, vicious cycle.

Please let us know how you get on. You may feel better with medication but you need practical solutions to your problems, not just a prescription for some pills. x

Oh dear it sounds so hard. Mine was similar until 5 months. I screamed with frustration and felt I couldn't cope. I did think I had pnd but once he settled down I was totally fine and really started to enjoy motherhood. You are essentially being tortured and its just too much for one person so please don't feel bad.
Your hv doesn't sound great. Def feed him and consider co sleeping so you can doze through feeds. Homestart a good suggestion _ my friend is disabled and has a volunteer give her an afternoon off once a week which makes all the difference.
May also be worth checking in with your children's centre. Mine ran a bonding/nurturing course for free that I did with 3 other mums all struggling. It was amazing and really helped me reconnect with baby. I also attended a pnd support group. I just hope your husband can take your wellbeing seriously. Wishing you all the best

2Many- I hope OP doesn't take it as a kicking, especially since I said 'I don't want to sound mean'. I was just trying to find a way to suggest her self harming and anger might be a depression issue rather than a normal response to a massively difficult time.

Hi op. My ds is also 7months and wakes a lot in the night, feeds to sleep and is a crap napper. The saving grace is that he's cheerful mostly but it's still a struggle. Husband is fucking useless and that's the polite version. I have had a handful of hours off, one hour at a time. So I know a little of howyou feel.

What's helped me recently is leaving the sodding housework. I do the very minimum. Reading no cry sleep solution and though nor started it properly, I am getting there and it's helping. Co sleeping. I don't have to get up to feed. And working on naps. Literally laying down with him with a boob out. I've done this twice a day most days for a few weeks. Today he fell asleep and I put him down and he slept for a Whole Hour!!!!

It's tiny improvements but they all add up.

Yes, to paring housework back to a bare minimum. What's essential for basic hygiene? Clean toilet, clean kitchen sink, bins changed before they overflow and that's about it. Soap and a massive bottle of alcohol gel by each sink meant that DD never got sick. Everything else is pretty cosmetic, IMO.

I didn't ever sort my washing either, which meant all of DD's clothes eventually went grey - but, frankly, I didn't care. I never bothered with fancy outfits either, just kept the same half dozen sleepsuits on rotation. A friend's toddler once asked why DD was always in her pyjamas! But as long as the baby is clean and warm, who cares what they're wearing?

I live in the exact same situation as you. I couldn't go oit because trying to carry a pushchair, a baby and then a nappy bag resulted in anxiety out of nowhere. It was awful. I didnt cope. But then I did I guess. I had no family or friends where I lived and too far for anyone to pop down to me.

It got easier at 1 years old. Independence really kicked in. My first year of motherhood sometimes is a blur. I didnt appreciate the times enough because I was constantly tired. We are having our second. I wanted 4 until I gave birth lol. Then changed to 1. But I feel like if we live away from our social circle a long time then my LO will feel lonely. I may be a young mum but Im not someone her age and felt she needed someone who could spend good time with her and toys!

Im telling you I understand it is so so hard. I am struggling again because of being pregnant. It is back to being hard again but ita different because we talk and she makes me laugh and read and whatnot. im not just feeding her milk all day and worrying she'll crawl into a dangerous space. I also know the nexr year is going to be hard too and I am scared but if I get the newborn stage out of the way then I can really enjoy my loving family.

It waa really fun 3 months down the line from you. DH really started getting ideas of days out and that meant I was more at ease as he waa taking over. He couldn't always do that before since he was working and at night he couldn't feed her lol. But man she woke up a lot every night.

It will get easier soon, believe that but hand your LO over at any chance and do what you need to do. It is important. PM me if you ever want to chat.

Also my LO slept well at 3 months but after that it was hourly, every 10 minutes, every half hour and similar. We did baby led everything which suited us so even if she needed to be fed a tiny bit to sleep I did it. We couldn't do sleep training. My heart always told me she needed mummy milk and thats it and although it meant hardly and sleep and lots of tears, I couldn't and wouldn't change it.

The GP prescribed anti depressanta but I dislike the idea of it supressing. I know that if I had moved and lived where therr were things to do (everything is miles away here and no car) then things would improve. But our finances wont stretch to that and I kept saying it would be better to save for a place than pay to move and redecorate all over again and it affect our finances.

I would strongly advise you to go stay qirh family even for a few days or even longer. The first year is hard and if you have open doors then walk through them. Sadly I don't but I would grab the chance.

I think there's a two pronged attack needed here.

First, you do sound like you should be talking to a HCP about how you're feeling. Just be honest and tell it how it is. They will be able to signpost you to some help - whether that is medication, talking therapies, a local group, some practical Surestart help etc. Don't be fobbed off - if the first response is crap, go back to someone else - GP/HV/CHildren's centre etc.

Secondly, your DH needs to step up. Apart from anything else, if he's out at work until your ds is in bed, it'll be brilliant for him to have some solid bonding time. Yes, some women sail through, but millions of women DON'T cope - they get brilliant help from partners, family, friends ... or sometimes they really struggle and have a shit time. Is that really what he wants for you? Have you been honest with him about just how hard you are finding things? Tell him that you need him to be quiet for 10 mins whilst you talk, and see if he feels differently after you've explained. I think partners can be scared of hearing that everything isn't rose-y, but make him.

I think he should AT LEAST take one night AND one day over the weekend. Even if you are bf, he can get up, bring the baby to you in bed and take him back and settle him. One night/day a week is in no way unreasonable (Dh did way more than that for me, and works ft....)

DS was a dreadful sleeper. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason - it really does mess with you.

OP - it WILL get better.

Oh poor you.

Your DS sounds like my DD, or how she would have been if I had not sleep trained at 4.5 months. It transformed life - DD and I were both so so much happier for decent sleep. I suddenly had a normal baby! (still on the demanding side, but who slept and was mostly happy) It was amazing.

My advice:

1. Get DS checked by GP for anything physical - reflux, ear infection, hunger etc. (I suspect what is wrong with him is mostly lack of sleep however).

2. If he is all clear physically: Do sleep training. Controlled crying is best here IMO as it gets quick results. (Many on MN are anti CC but IMO it's the least worst option here). Here's how to do it. Start with naptimes - first nap should be 2 hours after he wakes for the day or when he starts to look tired (if you can tell). At that time, make sure he's fed and comfy, give him a cuddle, put in cot and leave the room. Leave him to cry for an interval of 2 min, then 4 min etc. At each interval you go in and pat him and say night night but don't pick up or stay long. Keep going, increasing intervals, till he finally goes to sleep. (note: suggest you turn volume down on monitor as listening to crying can trigger anxiety IME). Next nap should be c.3 hours from waking from first nap, or when he seems tired. Repeat the CC process. If that nap is short then he will also need a third nap before bedtime, suggest using buggy or sling not CC for this one. Repeat CC at bedtime and at any night wakings. If you do it this way then you hopefully lay the foundations before the night and he will go back to sleep quicker in the night.

3. If you have any money to spare then you could consider a night nanny for a few days who could do the CC for you (or just give you a break if you don't fancy the CC). Not cheap though.

4. Get your DH to pull his weight, as everyone else says. I have a stressful high flying job and it is so so so much harder looking after a grumpy non sleeping baby. If he thinks otherwise he is just wrong. My DH also has a high stress job and when DD went through her all night waking phase he would take her from 9-11.30pm and 6-8am so I could sleep at those times. He'd get 6.5 hours solid sleep in between which was plenty. And he did 50/50 at weekends - wouldn't have dreamed otherwise.

5. Do speak to the GP about the way you feel. I keep making a sandwich then throwing it in the bin because I don't want it. I feel sick all the time. this for me was a symptom of post natal anxiety which weirdly I had with (much easier) DD2 not DD1. It may well be that these feelings resolve if you get some sleep however so I would do the sleep training before trying meds. But do tell GP the truth so they can keep an eye on you.

As regards DH's view that many women cope with this - No, they really don't. Most babies sleep better than this. Of the ones that don't, many are sleep trained in one way or another till they do. The mothers that have babies who sleep like this and don't/won't sleep train, are on their knees.