Is it worth even bringing up?

[artlessflirt]

I'll try to keep it brief!

When I was single I joined a kink social networking website. I moved to a new city and found that they hosted a 'vanilla' evening at a local pub where people could come and have drinks and chat to like-minded people. I attended every month and made lots of new friends. As I was single I will admit that I was very flirty with members of the group and hooked up with some a few times, but mostly I enjoyed the social aspect and the confidence boost of going out in a city I was unfamiliar with and having a good time and making friends.

Fast-forward to now. Me and DP had a DD and we have moved to his home town. I don't know anyone and find the baby groups DD and I go to fun but I don't seem to make friends or feel like I have really socialised outside being a parent. Recently I revisited the social networking site and updated all of my details. In my profile I clearly state that I'm not in the market for play partners but would be interested in attending events and making new friends.

DP knows about the site and knows that occasionally I receive friend requests and messages from people - like anything in this vein some are inappropriate despite my profile being clear that I am in a relationship. But I'm open about these messages and we sometimes read them together.

So, I've had a look into local events and it seems that they hold a similar meet to the one I've attended previously not far from where we live. It's held once a month, on a Sunday night. DP gets one weekend a month off and it would be a miracle if his weekend off landed at the same time of one of these social events.

What I'd like to do is go along and see if the group is as welcoming as what I've experienced previously and hopefully make some new friends. As I've said, I've made it very clear I'm not looking to play with anyone else other than my DP so it would be purely for socialising.

My question (finally!) is should I talk to him about going one night on my own (providing I can get someone to babysit DD)? My fear is that he will instantly reject the idea due to the context (i.e. everyone there has a common interest in kink). My Ex was very sensitive about it, which is kind of putting me off. I also know if the boot was on the other foot and he was asking I would be wary, too. But I have no intention of engaging with anyone in a play context. I'd love DP to come along, but the chances of him being off work are slim. Should I talk to him about it or do you think that, given the context, he would just outright say no and (probably) descend into an argument?

Oh, I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Plenty of people at munches are parents after all. And let's face some of the people at your mum groups are probably kinky bastards.

The nice thing about munches is how it's not weird to go on your own.

Anyway, this is all going round in circles. YANBU to want to go to a munch. YABU if it makes your partner uncomfortable and/or unhappy. You crazy kids are just going to have to talk to one another.

If you got to know a couple of people at one of the mums' groups and then suggested a social one evening, with wine, they'd take your hand off.

Everybody's thinking the same thing as you - these mums' groups are shit, hope I get to know some like-minded people, shoot me if I start talking about pureeing my own baby food, wish there was wine.

As an aside, find it funny you're too shy to invite another mum for coffee but can talk to strangers about spanking.

Are you sure you just don't like being in a room full of men wondering what it'd be like to spank you?

No, Songbird, not one bit. When I was single, of course there was fun in it - being flirty and suggestive. But DP very much satisfies my kinky side so I'm not even remotely interested in that!

I guess it's hard to understand but being in a strange city and jumping in to something like that, as someone who isn't very confident, munches have very much become my comfort zone. If I needed an ego-boost I'd only have to read some messages I get - but it doesn't do it for me as I am fulfilled.

Yes, probably I should work on my confidence in the mum and baby groups, and having PND I think I'm probably trying to find my identity again and this is how it has manifested. Who knows, I only really know that at baby sensory I'm a totally different person, and that is not satisfying for me. Apologies if that offends you.

Personally I think that if you want to do this, you should make every effort to go with your DH, at least the first few times. Nothing will turn this into a pottery class.

The thing is, I really get wanting to refind yourself but you can't fully go back. I think going with your DH will give you a sense of whether you'd secretly love to be going alone, in which case you are kidding yourself. Kink aside I just wouldn't go to booze based 'getting to know people' events without my DH. Singing, running, work stuff- sure.

crazyhead, I would agree. And I would love for us to go together and if I can make it happen I will!

I am really very at your insistence that you struggle to make friends and relate to people on any meaningful level that has nothing whatsoever to do with your sexual kinks except suddenly, when thrown together with people who just happen to share those kinks you find you click with them on ooh, all sorts from politics to a shared sense of humour, a shared appreciation of wine, or knitting....

I just don't think you are being entirely honest with yourself about your motives here. Either that or you are generally very sneery and dismissive of people you perceive to be too boring and straight laced.

No, Tippytappy, that's not the case at all. Of course, everyone has their passions and motivations and absolutely everyone has a story to tell. I would never, ever describe myself as sneery or dismissive.

I'll repeat what I've said throughout this, I don't have a car, so any meet up has to be either within walking distance of me or within walking distance of a bus route. Or indeed accessible by train.

The munch just happens to be right around the corner from my house. Book clubs don't seem to exist, there's a social group that seems to consist solely of going to the cinema and then walking clubs and choirs are more out of the way.

Yes, I know the kind of welcoming atmosphere I'm letting myself in for at a munch, and it is in my comfort zone, believe it or not. As it's a meet up that isn't judgemental of anyone. Perhaps I worry, too, about people being judgemental and sneery towards me. Also, just to point out, not everyone has the same kinks at a munch, and other people's kinks definitely aren't my kinks a lot of the time. And, like any social gathering, you don't click with everyone, and I do struggle without a glass of wine in my hand, or the opportunity to decompress in a smoking area. All of that helps with my anxiety. But I guess the biggest thing is I'm aware that no one wants to be judged or sneered at, and it's not an atmosphere that fosters cliques. I'm sure there are other groups that do that, but I'm struggling to find any near to me.

OP, go to the meeting! You obviously really want to go.

MN isn't the best place to ask for opinions on that type of lifestyle. It is just a common interest, not a market for sex. But it's going to be misconstrued that way.

You're not going to trip up and land on someone's trouser area, are you? You would have to make a deliberate effort to take a friendship to a sexual relationship. So there's no danger as long as you know what you want.

Tell your partner where you are going and then go!

Yes, I'd already made up my mind about talking to DP and how I was going to approach it.

Can understand the reactions of some on here but don't want to come across as something I'm not and wouldn't want to be, hence the responses

It is the job of MN to help you overthink things. But I say go for it.

Honestly this would be a huge red flag for me.

However I'm not your partner and neither are any of the other naysayers here. He already knows about this part of your life and is cool with it, you only want to make some new friends, presumably he trusts you. I can't see why it'd be a problem.

Would your dp be interested in joining the kink scene with you? If so, I don't see a problem with you going to meet people before you go to an event together. However if he's not interested, and you'd be meeting scene people without ever intending to go to any events, I think that would be very weird. Weird for your dp and also for the people at the munch.

I would love for us to go together and if I can make it happen I will!

I know how you feel about regaining your non mum identity but I get the feeling that this is more to do with introducing your partner to the 'community', than about making new friends. Has your partner expressed any interest in joining the 'community'? There's a big difference between sharing a kink behind closed doors and sharing a giggle over explicit messages to, meeting a group who may or may not want to talk about it, in person. I'm guessing from the fact that it's taken you this long to have this conversation with him, that he doesn't share your level of interest in the community side of things.

I suggest you be honest with yourself before you have the conversation with your partner because it very much sounds like you want back in to the 'community', with or without your partner.