Is it worth even bringing up?

[artlessflirt]

I'll try to keep it brief!

When I was single I joined a kink social networking website. I moved to a new city and found that they hosted a 'vanilla' evening at a local pub where people could come and have drinks and chat to like-minded people. I attended every month and made lots of new friends. As I was single I will admit that I was very flirty with members of the group and hooked up with some a few times, but mostly I enjoyed the social aspect and the confidence boost of going out in a city I was unfamiliar with and having a good time and making friends.

Fast-forward to now. Me and DP had a DD and we have moved to his home town. I don't know anyone and find the baby groups DD and I go to fun but I don't seem to make friends or feel like I have really socialised outside being a parent. Recently I revisited the social networking site and updated all of my details. In my profile I clearly state that I'm not in the market for play partners but would be interested in attending events and making new friends.

DP knows about the site and knows that occasionally I receive friend requests and messages from people - like anything in this vein some are inappropriate despite my profile being clear that I am in a relationship. But I'm open about these messages and we sometimes read them together.

So, I've had a look into local events and it seems that they hold a similar meet to the one I've attended previously not far from where we live. It's held once a month, on a Sunday night. DP gets one weekend a month off and it would be a miracle if his weekend off landed at the same time of one of these social events.

What I'd like to do is go along and see if the group is as welcoming as what I've experienced previously and hopefully make some new friends. As I've said, I've made it very clear I'm not looking to play with anyone else other than my DP so it would be purely for socialising.

My question (finally!) is should I talk to him about going one night on my own (providing I can get someone to babysit DD)? My fear is that he will instantly reject the idea due to the context (i.e. everyone there has a common interest in kink). My Ex was very sensitive about it, which is kind of putting me off. I also know if the boot was on the other foot and he was asking I would be wary, too. But I have no intention of engaging with anyone in a play context. I'd love DP to come along, but the chances of him being off work are slim. Should I talk to him about it or do you think that, given the context, he would just outright say no and (probably) descend into an argument?

It's like going to a book group but stating that you're not interested in reading, you won't be getting the book, and you don't want other people to talk about the book to you - you just want to chat.

It's a terrible idea. It really is.

artless A bit of context. My wife identified as poly before we got engaged; I'm mono and we agreed to a mono relationship post engagement. She is also more kinky than me and played a bit outside our relationship while we long distance dated. Because of our debates about poly and the background, I am confident in my trust in her.

As such, a social gathering around a common interest like this wouldn't phase me, but I recognise my starting point in this is a bit unusual.

OhShutUp, I wasn't suggesting that I wouldn't engage in a conversation regarding kink, just that I wouldn't be putting myself out there as single and/or willing to play elsewhere (no actual kinky stuff goes on at these meet-ups).

My experience of these things is that the mutual interest acts as a starting point and then we realise that we are normal people with varied interests outside of kink and it kind of goes from there. Perhaps it would be different at this one, and if it was I wouldn't attend anymore. Simple as.

For goodness sake you are playing with fire. Join a book group or get a hobby that doesn't involve flirting with other people. Like an evening class. I would be utterly livid if I was your partner. You are being naive and thoughtless.

queenofthepirates, not sure I'm being thoughtless in as much as I'm actually taking the time to consider even bringing this up? Yes, I want to go, very much, as it's an environment I'm familiar with and I have had good experiences with it in the past. I'm also aware that DP might be uncomfortable with it and, if that was the case, I wouldn't go against his wishes. Don't think there's anything to be livid about there, but I appreciate your input.

I really think that most people would be unhappy if their partner attended such a group, or even talked about the possibility, but you sound convinced that this is the only interesting group of people within the reach of public transport, so why not just ask your DH and see what he says?

If my partner asked to attend it would raise all sorts of suspicions and insecurities in me, and I would be hurt if it was presented as a trust issue, but then he's already aware that you're chatting to like-minded people online so maybe he'd be fine with it. You won't know until you ask, just be prepared for how you will feel if it's a 'no', and be alert to the fact that he may feel obliged to say yes despite having misgivings.

Thanks songbird - it's been helpful to hear what the reactions of others' would be and it's given me something to think about. I'm certainly open to attending any group, I think I've just jumped on this as it's the closest and, weirdly, it's in my comfort zone. I can certainly see how it would be out of the comfort zone of others.

I think the best thing to do would suggest attending together, if he finishes work at a reasonable time or happens to have a day off and gauging the reaction. If it seems a flat out 'no' then I suppose I'll have to resign myself to getting spanked at a book club instead

I actually met my dh on fetlife. I'm not even convinced he'd be comfortable with me going to a munch on my own tbh

Is your dp into kink?

I honestly dont think it would work. If partner is not into it.

I think if you are wanting to make new and completely platonic friends with no sex involved then there are far more obvious places to do it than a club that is for people who all share the same sexual kinks and where you've met sexual partners in the past.

I can't imagine many DHs and DWs would be cool with this AT ALL. You are opening a can of worms. Don't do it. And in fact i think you should spend some time really thinking about why you even want to do it, when there are more straightforward ways to make platonic friends. It's just asking for trouble.

What harm can talking with him about it do?

I agree that for people not familiar with the subculture, they may just see 'SEX!', and feel that it would be a betrayal. But if your DP understands more about the cultural norms, and trust and identity issues focused on within kink, and how they relate to your changing self-perception of relocating and becoming a mother, he's much less likely to feel threatened by it. Talk to him

Thanks pannacott.

I knew that a lot of people's reactions would be similar to what has been said in this thread, so that's kind of confirmed some things. Thanks, all

I am going to mention it but try to be as non-threatening about it as possible, rather than just Spring it on him and potentially freak him out. He's not averse to kink, although he wasn't really aware of the social aspect before he met me. We will see. I'm not going to hang all my hopes on it. As I say, if it makes him uncomfortable then I won't go.

Good luck. The ideal situation would be if he could come with you, of course. I think people do assume that munches must be a frenzied mass of kinky activity rather than a bunch of people in a pub talking about films or football or the best place to buy a customised flogger.

You say your partner isn't really into kink. Is this a problem for you? The fact that you are still on - presumably - FetLife suggests that this is still part of how you self-identify.

There's no reason why someone in an exclusive relationship shouldn't go to munches. They're not hook-ups. But I'm a hit concerned that if your current lifestyle is more vanilla than you'd like then befriending a whole bunch of kinky friends might stir up some dissatisfaction with your present lifestyle.

One last thought, I know your partner works on the munch night but have you checked if there are any other events that you could attend together? Where I live there's a munch once a month, a games munch once a month and another munch in a town 45 minutes away.

Venus, he is into kink in the bedroom but we didn't meet in a kinky capacity, IYSWIM. He has fully engaged with what I'm into (without going into too much detail, obviously!). But I've always found the community very welcoming and easy to engage with. Whereas I'm struggling to do the same with the parent and baby groups. I guess I don't see myself as a mum outside of looking after DD, I still want my identity outside that!

A lot of the other events in our area are more hardcore - club nights, dungeons (eek!) and I think that would be a baptism of fire DP could do without, although we have talked about going to clubs, I think a munch might be a better way of easing him in. We live about 30 mins train ride from the city I used to go to munches in, but I thought he might worry that we might bump into someone I'd met previously and be even more uncomfortable!

Hope it all works our for you. I agree that munches can be a great way to meet a diverse and interesting bunch of people. The closest friend I've made through my munch is a straight woman and we mostly get together and talk about pets and work and stuff. The only kink aspect is that I can be a bit more open with her about what I get up to in dates than I would be with other friends.

Why can't you ask your DP to go with you, at least the first time?

But I think there is no problem in asking your DP if you put it exactly as in your OP. Whether they say yes or not will depend on the level of trust in the relationship.

Even if your partner says yes, however, you should only go if you believe it was a genuinely untroubled response rather than one given from a sense of obligation.

I can see the appeal, generally they are a very friendly community of people, and there tends to be a high number of geeky people and people with a robust sense of humour :) Ive met a few of my very good friends at munches without any kind of actual "kink" ever being involved!

Oh I agree! Kinky people are some of the funniest and geekiest people I know!

If the meets are every month and he has EOW off, why would it be a "miracle" if he could go with you ?

I would not be happy about my spouse joining a social networking site where he was receiving , and presumably responding to graphic and forthright messages. Like previous posters have said , there absolutely must be other ways to meet people in your area.

What's the hurry? Just wait until your DP is free to go with you.

The hurry is that I'm slowly going a bit crazy with my social circle only consisting of babies and mummies!

He has one weekend a month off and, having looked forward, it seems that none of them fall on that weekend and he's mostly working till 10pm when he is at work. So just not feasible. But it could be planned if I wait.

FYI, I don't respond to graphic or flirty messages. Usually me and Dp have a bit of a giggle at them and then I delete them. In fact, i don't really chat to anyone at all, mostly just post on message boards, like here, and follow friends like on Facebook

Why don't you just look up from the PC and ask him? It's been two days of ruminating now.

Most people would have to build up to it, but he already knows you chat online and used to go to meetings.

FWIW I find the tone in which you refer to 'mummies' quite condescending. You do know that they're all different don't you? Some of them will be returning to interesting careers, have fascinating hobbies and ideas, have lived amazing lives and even have the odd intelligent thought in their head. Initially your common ground will be your kids, but then you scratch the surface. I expect you'd hate someone to look at you and think all you had going for you was 'being a mummy'.

I agree with songbird. Your way of seeing the world as divided between those dumb boring mummies and those sparkling witty intellectuals who like their arses spanked comes across as very narrow minded.

Oh no, I don't mean that all! I love being a mum, and of course other mums are human beings - just like me! - with hobbies, and careers, etc. Truth is, I find it quite difficult to make friends at these groups. A lot of the mums know each other and hang out with each other. Mostly we talk about our babies and it doesn't go beyond that, I'm not the kind of person to suggest a coffee or something like that.

To be honest, and I'm aware how pathetic this sounds, I can socialise much better with a glass of wine in my hand! If there was a mums group that met down the pub without babies I'd be all over it. My problem is that I haven't socialised whilst not wrestling with a baby.

I'm annoyed with myself that I've come across that way. But my point was I wanted to talk about something other than being a mum - and the munches would be a good opportunity to do that. 'Cause you know, for some reason drinking at baby sensory is frowned upon