Soo stupid. anyone know how to get a paternity test ?

[whatanidiot]

I have been so stupid. my relationship with dh has been up and down, mostly down for 4 years. last xmas a friend started paying me attention and to cut a long story short we have had sex 2 times. Now ive got a 3 week old ds and cant be sure he is dh's. How can I get a paternity test ?

good grief I would ask your GP. What a nightmare.

Can I ask why it's important?
If it turned out to be the friend's, would you (in effect) lie to DH and let him asusme that ds was his?
Would DH abandon you and/or ds if he found it wasn't his?
Or would you leave DH for the friend, or just leave him anyway?

Think verrry carefully about this because once you know the result you can never go back and have to make a decision based on the information.

Of course it is important. A child has a right to know who his natural father is!

you can get it done privately for example here , but you will need samples from either dh (to prove he isn't the father, or from the other man to prove he is). I haven't looked thoroughly at the site, but imagine that it's done with a cheek swab, so not possible to do without the other person knowing.

Why do you want a paternity test? Is it going to make your situation any better knowing for sure who the father is? Would you tell either your dh or the other man the results of the test?

Yikes!

Does your DH think it's his?

I would think very, very carefully about what you?re doing before you go ahead and do anything.

Firstly, does your dh know that your ds might not be his? And more to the point, does your friend know that your ds might be his?

If you get a paternity test, you won?t be able to do it on the quiet, samples of either your dh or your friend will have to be taken to prove or disprove paternity, and at that point everybody involved will need to be told. If the baby is the other man?s, how do you think your dh will react? How do you think your friend will react? If the baby is his he will be entitled to access and may demand it in fact, are you prepared for that? Are you prepared for the fact your dh might leave if the baby is proven not to be his?

While I agree to an extent that the child has a right to know who his biological father is, I think that there?s a lot more to it than just that, families might be ruined by this, if your husband is a good father, and you are making a go of your relationship, then I think there is potentially nothing to be gained by having a paternity test and everything to be lost. After all, it only takes on shag to father a child, but it takes a lifetime to be a father.

I agree with wannabe

well put, Wannabe, that was what I was trying to say but expressed myself very poorly .

The odds of your DH finding out, unless there are obvious signs (blood type, for example), are pretty low.

I'm with the "think before you test" crew.

I see why everyone is saying think before you test but that to me is also saying it doesn't matter if another man thinks the child is his, when it isn't. The birth dad doesn't know his child, and the baby doesn't know his real dad.

Hmmm, I'd say the baby's real dad is whoever raises him. Much as adoptive mums are the real mums.

I do see some strength to the argument that the child needs to know, because of any genetic issues, etc, but I'm not sure it's strong enough to override whatanidiot's desire to keep her family together (assuming that is what she wants?)

aside from the right of child and both men to know what's what, the child may need to know about medical history, hereditary diseases etc. In my experience things like this come out one way or another.

what a pickle (to say the least)

I'd speak to the GP about it. If the other man is willing to take the test, you can rule him out (or in) without your partner knowing. What you do with the resulting info is up to you then.

if you have other children you need to consider what effect any fallout might have on them. In the short-term it might be better not to know - your new child can always do a paternity test later if that seems appropriate.

NAB, I see your point, but there is a whole lot more to being a father than just passing on genes. If WAI wants to have that information, she cannot get it without either or both of the "fathers" knowing. That knowledge may cause huge problems in the family. The child should have a right to know who is father is, but that testing could equally well be done later in his life. Doing the test in the immediate future could have serious and long-lasting repercussions, which WAI needs to consider before leaping in.

Also, what if it came out later that the baby was someone else's?

You know, it's sort of like an affair, a lot of times, the parties get busted in the most unexpected of ways.

I know someone, who broke up with her Bf, went on holiday, shagged the first man she met, came home and discovered fairly shortly after that she was pregnant. She didn't know which of the two was the father. Knowing she was pregnant, bf and this girl made up, baby was born and it later becaame clear just by looking at him, that child was fathered by the BF. Moral of the story is that the father of the baby may become apparent without the need to test

If you do a paternity test you've got to realise that it doesn't end there.

You will have very important, potentially life-changing information in your hands and you will have to make a decision what to do with that info.

Do you tell all risking huge upheaval? Do you sit on the info and have it on your conscience for the rest of your life?

Oh shit, what a horrible problem to have. This will drive you bonkers if you let it.

As an adopted child, the man who bought me up, my Father IS my real father in my mind as my biological parent only provided the sperm if that's any help. I do not in any way think of my biological parent as my 'dad'.

The only problem you might have is during a row, later down the line, things get shouted etc....

I think I would try to get a hair from your DH and have the test done. Just so I knew. Whether I would divulge the results is something I would have to think about at the time. Knowing me, if the baby was BF, I would probably break down & tell as am unable to keep things from DH. But if it's DH's baby, then I would keep quiet.

I know all the adoptive4 mum is the real mum, etc. I am talking blood. Highly unlikely but what if the child is the BFs and wants to go out with the BF child but the baby thinks the husband is his dad? I know unlikely but I am sure it could happen.

I read a story of a couple of who adopted. They met up as they discovered they were siblings and went on to have a relationship. IMO that was wrong.

It just feels wrong to let people think they are the parent/child of someone they aren't.

Also what if the child became ill in the future and needed organs etc from birth dad? I think a child needs to know who their real father is for that reason alone.

Dh doesnt know, but friend does,cant talk to GP as we live in a small town and are friends too. I know its entirely my own stupid fault but I'm going crazy thinking I might be lying to dh and ds,I spend all day and night looking at him to see if he looks like ds1,dh or friend.

You can't lie to a child for years. It's dreadful. Also it could come out by accident if there were an accident and blood samples etc were taken.
You need to do it in secret and not tell anyone to start with. So first you need some genetic material ideally from both men. Can you get bits of their hair, or spit. I know when Clinton and Prince Harry go out and about their secret service men wipe the beer glasses to make sure no one gets their hands on their DNA etc. so I don't think you need very much

I think your DR would have to keep it confidential anyway if you choose that option.