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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm losing my marbles in new relationship

35 replies

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 13:09

I'm a bit embarrassed to be writing this, but am hoping you'll be gentle and help me pick my way through it.

Am weeks in to a new relationship, and so far so good. But I just feel uncertain about it. I worry that I'm either over-thinking and going to spoil it by being needy or that I'm in danger of ignoring signs that this isn't right for me at this time.

Please give me a good shake and tell me to calm the fuck down

OP posts:

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 15/03/2016 13:23

We're going to need more than that I think :)

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 13:24

I know I just don't know where to start

I drive myself crazy thinking about it, and then I think "just relax and enjoy it" and then repeat.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/03/2016 13:24

I won't tell you to calm down, cause I believe no one should ignore their instincts

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 13:27

I know guilty. I always think that instincts should be heeded.

OP posts:

misszp · 15/03/2016 13:29

If things aren't right, they aren't right, no matter how nice the other person is, or how well you think it is going.

Regardless of your past relationships or potential reasons for feeling this way... Trust your gut.

Awholelottanosy · 15/03/2016 13:31

Are there any 'red flags' that are making you uneasy?

Toomuchinfo1 · 15/03/2016 13:32

Have you recently come out of a relationship before this one? The only reason I ask is because I rushed into my last relationship and didn't give myself time in between. Some people don't need that time (when it's right, it's right etc), but I most definitely needed to be on my own for a little while.

Maybe you just really like this one, and you're nervous of putting your feelings out there?!

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 13:34

When things are good, they're bloody brilliant though misszp. It's comfortable, sexy, loving, easy. Like a favourite pair of jeans really.

It's the first relationship I've had when I've really fallen for someone so much so early.

OP posts:

themoomah · 15/03/2016 13:35

Are there any signs that you are ignoring or are you worried that there could be but you're not spotting them IYSWIM?

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 13:38

Awholelottanosy there are things that make me think, "hmm, is this a red flag? What would I be saying if someone posted about this on MN?". Sometimes, for example, when we are chatting over dinner, it's all about him. It's like a monologue. And I get a bit bored.

Toomuch it's all good. I have had quite some time since my last relationship and got to a place where I was very, very happy being single. Neither of us was looking for someone, we just met, clicked and fancied the pants of each other. The sex is very, very good

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 15/03/2016 13:38

you say "when things are good".

so when they are bad...?

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 13:39

Are there any signs that you are ignoring or are you worried that there could be but you're not spotting them IYSWIM?

More the former moomah. Or at least I dwell on things and think, "hmm, is that a red flag? Am I in danger of ignoring it?".

OP posts:

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 13:46

Lorelei I can't really put my finger on a "bad time". I guess I miss him when I don't see him for a few days.

Ok. Let me run this past you.
There was one time when he let me down a little by forgetting something, it wasn't a big deal and I had it in perspective. But before I could say, "I'm disappointed that you forgot about X, it meant I ended up doing Y..." he jumped in and said, "I know I let you down by forgetting X but I'm doing my best" etc and raised his voice. When we talked it through he said that he thought he was walking in to an argument and that I was going to shout at him and he didn't realise I'd react calmly. I explained that of course we'd get irritated with each other at times, and I might have a grumble, but that I'll never be unkind to him. (I think he's had at least one unkind girlfriend in the past from other things he's said).

So can you see why I feel silly posting about this? Part of me knows my friends would roll their eyes at this story. But the other part of me thinks, "nobody talks to me like this; I don't need this in my life".

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 15/03/2016 14:08

OP, I can't see at all why you would feel silly.

that's a BIG red flag to me.

If your friends would roll their eyes, i wonder what they consider acceptable.

nobody needs that shit in their life. Such fecking hassle and for what?

QueenElizardbeth · 15/03/2016 14:21

No, I wouldn't like that behaviour. Raising his voice for no reason? So he's going to keep doing that, every time he imagines you are going to shout at him (when you aren't)?

What a weirdo.

I'm sorry if it sounds like pissing on your parade a bit, but the fact you hardly know him is important here. It's all very well to fancy someone loads. We've all been there.

The fact is though, all you're seeing at the moment is the prospect of someone with no known faults. You don't know about them yet - or all the good things of course - but that doesn't mean they aren't there, if that makes sense?

You don't know about anything awful, so far - of course you don't. He's practically a stranger, with whom you're having some excellent sex.

You can't therefore conclude that there's nothing bad about him - that would take months and years to find out. That's why normally people wait a long time before making a proper commitment to someone else.

I've been where you are and it was lovely for about 2 months and then the darker side began to emerge, and I ended it very quickly - I'd already invested in the relationship, sadly, but that's another story. I suppose I thought 'hey! I don't know of anything bad about this man!' That was because I didn't know anything about him except what he was like in bed.

Just enjoy the sex but be very aware that just because you don't know there's nothing wrong with him, it doesn't mean there isn't. iyswim?

Early days. And yes, what he said/did in your example is a big red flag.

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 14:27

Oh dear

OP posts:

sonjadog · 15/03/2016 14:42

I don't think that that episode is a red flag. It is part of you two getting to know each other and getting to know how you react in situations where everything isn't perfect. Assuming you aren't just out of your teens and new to relationships, you will both have experiences both good and bad that you are bringing to your present situation. Sometimes both you and he are going to react in ways that the other person finds strange because of something that you have learnt or experienced in your past. The thing to focus on is how you deal with these issues, not that they arise. Can you talk about them and be open about what you are thinking or feeling, or do either of you react by getting angry, sulking, etc. Those are the potential problems, not that a slight misunderstanding occured in your interaction with each other.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/03/2016 14:45

BTW. They all have crazy/violent/lying/cheating* ex-girlfriends.

delete as appropriate

plainjanine · 15/03/2016 14:53

If he's been previously conditioned to being like this, his rection is undertsandable, at least. I wouldn't make any hasty judgements yet - see if he changes, once he realises that you can discuss things rationally?

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/03/2016 15:19

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag - sounds like he's got some insight into the behaviour patterns he's previously been part of, which is a good start.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/03/2016 15:24

The issue when he raised his voice, sounds like he is in attack mode a lot of the time, he said he thought he was going to be shouted at. He felt triggered, his fight or flight response is on high alert by the sounds of it.

But, do you want to be dealing with this issue, if it means you have to moderate your behaviour for fear of triggering or upsetting him.

I wonder if your posting on here, partly goes to show maybe your already moderating tone of voice or choice of words. Your instincts are putting him on the watch list, as dctr Phil would say, maybe this isn't what you need to be doing this soon in.

SanityClause · 15/03/2016 15:41

So, instead of owning his mistake, he effectively blamed you, by saying you would overreact to his mistake.

This is a red flag, but that doesn't mean you have to dump him. Just watch out to see if the red flags start to accumulate.

Will you take care not to overreact another time? In other words, will you modify your behaviour?

You need to be very aware of doing this. Adapting your behaviour for "a quiet life" is rarely successful.

If you have a reason to react, then do so. If he lets you down, you have a right to express disappointment. His reaction should be to apologise, not to deflect the blame to you, by punishing you for a reaction he doesn't even know you will have.

Original poster

WednesdaysBudget · 15/03/2016 16:01

sonja there has been two such incidents and both times I was a bit shocked but responded in a calm, present way and we talked it through. He seems a bit confused at first and apologises and I feel ok afterwards.

Preemptive he hasn't bitched about his exes, but he's said a couple of things that make me think he's been subjected to some pretty cruel treatment in the past.

I was aware that one reaction would be for me to change my reactions guilty and Sanity, in the way you've both described. I've told him I won't tolerate this kind of behaviour, but that it makes me sad to realise that the alternative I would choose is to walk away. He feels bad that he made me feel this way, he's never seen himself in this light before. It's given him a bit of a shock. But then abusive people do say all the right things, right?

I don't mind modelling this kind of behaviour in, I guess, the same way at least one of my exes showed me. But it's not for the long term.

So, instead of owning his mistake, he effectively blamed you, by saying you would overreact to his mistake.

Oh, and yes he did do this. It was so badly and obviously done though that I almost laughed. It really helped me think, "hang on, he thinks offence is the best form of defence" and made it very easy for me to react in a calm and grown-up way, the way I would do with a stroppy or angry year 10 really.

OP posts:

QueenElizardbeth · 15/03/2016 16:07

The thing to focus on is how you deal with these issues, not that they arise

Yup and he dealt with it appallingly and inappropriately.

You'll probably be treading on eggshells if you stick around with him. And no one is 'conditioned' to behave in a bizarre way once they are an adult. That's just not plausible. If he was in a crap relationship before, he needs to sort out any remaining issues he has resulting from it, before entering into one with you.

I would put money on this incident being the tip of a very spiky iceberg.

Slowdecrease · 15/03/2016 16:12

If someone promised me they would never be unkind to me weeks into a relationship I'd consider that a red flag the other way around tbh. Ie we will have grumbles etc but I will never be unkind to you...ergo any grumbles will be because you've done me wrong because I'd never be unkind to you. Unrealistic and saintly to boot. Anyway. Just relax and enjoy - weeks into a new relationship I hope means you were dating him a while before it became a officially a new relationship and not youve known him weeks in which case you are massively overthinking.

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