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Original poster

AIBU to think Partner needs to pull his weight

32 replies

Lauslaw · 14/03/2016 11:52

Sorry if this seems like an out and out rant....(but it probably is)

Our first (and only) child is 9 weeks old and my partner and I agreed before she was born that I would return to work and he would become a SAHD.
When DD was born he was absolutely amazing with her, and as I was still shell shocked and in pain from the birth this was a massive help, however for every thing that he did 'right' he found something I was doing 'wrong'.
So now our income has reduced (SMP and tax credits) he has stopped work entirely and spends his time playing computer games, if I go out to do shopping ect I will come back to find LO stuck in her bouncy chair (not always happily) while he shoots things on his computer. He cooks perhaps two meals a week and doesn't do any cleaning, but finds the time to tell me that the house is a mess, he only seems to play with LO when I am trying to settle her for a nap, then she gets overexcited and overtired.
When it comes to night time she is an amazing sleeper, going 3/4 hours between feeds but he can't seem to see that this is good and if she wakes him up in the night he gets very angry with me and speaks to me as if I am stupid/ a child.
For example, last week she had her first jabs, that night she was very unsettled and only sleeping 5/10 mins at a time, I kept her quiet until 4am when she yelled and woke him up, he stormed out of the room after ripping into me and telling me to put her in bed with me (he is against co-sleeping AND I had already tried this) when I managed to get her back in her cot and sleeping he came back into the room and shouted because he had been on sofa and "since she was in cot he could have been in bed"
He didn't seem to care that he has I disturbed sleep from 10pm-3am and the next morning pursuaded me to go and do a full food shop (this involves driving 16miles each way, 2 supermarkets, school holidays so everywhere packed, a new car I'm not confident driving and all on 3 hours sleep.
I just wish he would either go to work (so we are not so barrel scrapingly skint and we would be out of my hair And I could start some sort of routine) or be a bit more cheerful about being at home! At my wits end and feel like I have 2 children!

OP posts:
LittleLegs25 · 14/03/2016 12:00

Wow what a charmer. You need to sit down with him and just truthfully tell him what's on your mind. He isn't on holiday...he's unemployed, supposedly to be a stay at home dad but sounds as though he isn't pulling his weight at all! He should be doing his fair share of the night feeds and stop criticising you like he's super dad!

Aussiemum78 · 14/03/2016 12:00

So he gets mad at you because a baby cries during the night, he does less than half of the household chores, ignored a crying baby and doesn't contribute financially?

That's not even remotely a question he is totally not doing anything, he's completely draining you. If he were single he couldn't do this little, but as a father he's not cutting it at all.

Do you want to stay?

Bananalanacake · 14/03/2016 12:16

If you agreed he'd be a SAHD then surely he should be working until you go back to work, whether that's after 6 months or a year, it makes sense for him to work while you aren't. Is he going to help with housework when you're at work and he's at home looking after the baby all day?

petalsandstars · 14/03/2016 12:18

If you're on mat leave then he is not being SAHD he is being lazy and unemployed

AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 12:20

This is about more than "pulling weight"

Will you trust him to look after his child properly when you go back to work ?

SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2016 12:35

Why did he stop work? Did he hate his job, was he sacked or made redundant? What was he like before DD was born?

If he's always been a decent bloke beforehand then it's worth a talk about whether he actually wants to be SAHD now the reality is here, and whether a different arrangement would work better - but if he's always been a lazy manchild, you might have to think about whether it's worth keeping him.

Original poster
Lauslaw · 14/03/2016 12:39

Aussie - no he is not contributing financially, feels like a bit of a 'gotcha' as he hasn't contributed in 5 months, I (possibly foolishly) said I didn't mind being poor if we were both at home and he was contributing to household/baby duties but did stress that he would need to work enough to pay for his own phone/tax/insurance ect.
I'm not sure if I DO want to stay but not prepared to end the relationship at this stage as new baby equals trying times for even the strongest blah blah

Banana + petals - yes your right and I don't know if he can see it from that angle, he seems to think his SAHD duties started when I gave birth!

Any fucker - I certainly hope so, I am assuming that as she will be more 'interesting' when she is 8mo he will show more interest,

When I go back to work I can live with doing cooking and cleaning (damn stereotypical gender roles ey) as long as he can dedicate himself totally to our LO

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauslaw · 14/03/2016 12:41

Solid - he is (was) self employed so he can go to work or not as he chooses, and he is choosing to not, as he is 'tired' 'wants to be at home with us' or more likely is seeing being a SAHD as the easy option!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 12:46

I think then, going off his current behaviour, this will not be a triumph of hope over reality.

neonrainbow · 14/03/2016 12:46

What a cunt. I don't use that word lightly. Who the fuck does he think he is?

He needs to go back to work. He's convinced you to let him give up work but is not keeping up his end of the bargain. Can you trust him to take good care your tiny vulnerable daughter if you go back to work? I wouldn't. I think he needs to find work pronto. But i couldn't forgive him shouting at me and ignoring the baby.

Original poster
Lauslaw · 14/03/2016 12:54

Hmm you are all encouraging me in my righteous anger, (thanks) I need to have a serous coversation with him, not easy as he is a sulker and walks away from any conflict!

I may not have made myself clear about ignoring the baby- he will feed and change her if I am not available but he does the bare minimum, says he won't allow her to sleep on him ect (surely babies need cuddles!)
It feels like far trickier a situation than it probably is and I do feel quite stuck, on one hand I can't wait to get back to work and on the other hand I don't want previous LO to be emotionally neglected

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauslaw · 14/03/2016 12:55

*precious not previous

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2016 21:06

Oh shit, get rid of this loser now. What was the 'self-employment' BTW? Did it ever bring in any money or was he one of those pissy 'creative' types who was all talk and thought most jobs were beneath him?
I think you have probably been keeping him for years and having a baby has made it clear to you what a parasite he is.

CocktailQueen · 14/03/2016 21:10

How come he was 'amazing' when she was born, and now he's shit? What happened?

So he'll do the 'bare minimum' for her but won't cuddle her? You can't leave her with him, op.

DoreenLethal · 14/03/2016 21:15

9 weeks old and he wont cuddle his baby? Wow.

Fuzz01 · 14/03/2016 21:17

Nothing worse than lazy men but your enabling him to a degree. He shouldn't of been encouraged to be a sahd that would imply you were working which isn't the case here. Many people don't have the luxury of having two parents on hand to deal with baby in most cases there is a main parent who works FT providing finacially for the family, normally the woman stays at home caring for the children/house. In this case hes acting like a teenage slumping around in mothers house no a father who should have a more active role. I think you need to tell him to sort himself out and find work and start putting back into the family.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 14/03/2016 21:26

Please don't leave her with him. Tell the lazy shite to get a job!

goddessofsmallthings · 14/03/2016 21:35

new baby equals trying times for even the strongest Can you not see that he's a bone idle manchild for whom parenting is not at all trying as he's opted out of it?

This pathetically weak manchild would need to go on a parenting course and qualify as a nusery school teacher before I'd leave him in sole charge of a goldfish non-verbal infant, and I'd only do so if the premises were equipped with cctv that I could access at any time and any computer equipment was securely stored in a locked cupboard to which I held the only the key.

Anomaly · 15/03/2016 04:05

You would be mad to carry on with this plan for him to be SAHD. Can see that in 18 months time you'll be working full-time doing all house work while he 'minds' baby badly. You'll feel trapped and unable to leave as he'll be deemed primary carer. To be honest I don't think he sounds like he has the patience to mind a baby.

MooningIntoTheAbyss · 15/03/2016 04:27

My STBXH was a bit similar. Kind of work shy and 'wanted to be home with us' but then moody and always wanted to help out with cleaning/cooking/shopping/Dd but never could cos he didn't know my plans for shopping/dinner. Or 'I wanted to clean but you were napping with Dd so I napped too'
Yes, I was napping, Dd slept for 2-3 hours last night while I held her cos I so desperately wanted her to sleep that I essentially didn't... What is your excuse???
He never had one.

He was wonderful and amazing when she was first born. He seemed genuinely concerned about me and more interested in supporting me and helping me then in Dd tbh. Then around the 8-9 week it felt like he had gotten bored with it all.
I felt like night struggles and breast feeding and sleeplessness were 'dramas' I had 'milked' for too long.

I stayed. We have Dd (3.7) and Dd (18m).
I am applying for divorce now.
He has said, too many times to count, things like 'I will swap with you any day and just stay at home all day. You don't know how easy you have it' because he genuinely thinks. SAHP is about playing, eating and napping.

Your H sounds like a perpetual child and insensitive. I hope that by 8 months he has suddenly shaped up but I fear you will back here, in my shoes in a couple of years. Work and drained and exhausted by him, not your DC. Thanks

dandydesmond · 13/04/2016 17:05

Another vote for sitting him down for a conversation.

The problem is that if we wont change you're going to have to make a massive decision that you clearly haven't yet come to terms with. Its easy for people to tell you to leave a man like that... but its unfortunately going to be your only option if a frank conversation doesn't help.

You've got to think about your DD and the affect this will have on her. He is currently a terrible role model both in his behaviour towards you and his actions in general. First step is to try to make him see that its not sustainable either for you or for your DD as she develops and starts to understand more.

Jan45 · 13/04/2016 17:09

He sounds horrible, really horrible!

I don't like how he talks to you either, he sounds a right bully and a useless partner and father, wondering why you are putting up with such crap?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2016 17:39

"I'm not sure if I DO want to stay but not prepared to end the relationship at this stage as new baby equals trying times for even the strongest blah blah"

What do you get out of this relationship with him now?. Is the above really why you are still together, because if it is it is frankly a rubbish excuse.

He is not even now trying to be a decent partner and father to his DD; he is simply a self serving emotionally immature manchild. Such men do not change; they just look for some woman to look after them.

Iflyaway · 13/04/2016 18:52

What an utter utter bastard!

A 9-week-old baby?! How dare he!

He should be treating you both like the most precious thing in his life.

How dare he come in disturbing you both for you having been woken... duh, it's a baby!!
As for making you do that shopping (does he not drive?), words fail me.

Bottom line is I think, he can't bear that he is no longer nr. 1 fucker.

How do you think his histrionics are impacting on a beautiful young baby who needs peace, calm and safety (shouting while being woken up is NOT that). And that includes you also. You will be ground down before you know which way is up.

Single mum here. Not easy but so much more preferable than these kind of people in your life. He will drain you. Emotionally, financially etc.

Basically, you have to protect yourself and your child from his self-centered and toxic ways.

teawamutu · 14/04/2016 08:13

Op, can I ask in which ways he was 'amazing'? You sound so nice, but you're not getting the partnership you have a right to expect.