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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU to think Partner needs to pull his weight

32 replies

Lauslaw · 14/03/2016 11:52

Sorry if this seems like an out and out rant....(but it probably is)

Our first (and only) child is 9 weeks old and my partner and I agreed before she was born that I would return to work and he would become a SAHD.
When DD was born he was absolutely amazing with her, and as I was still shell shocked and in pain from the birth this was a massive help, however for every thing that he did 'right' he found something I was doing 'wrong'.
So now our income has reduced (SMP and tax credits) he has stopped work entirely and spends his time playing computer games, if I go out to do shopping ect I will come back to find LO stuck in her bouncy chair (not always happily) while he shoots things on his computer. He cooks perhaps two meals a week and doesn't do any cleaning, but finds the time to tell me that the house is a mess, he only seems to play with LO when I am trying to settle her for a nap, then she gets overexcited and overtired.
When it comes to night time she is an amazing sleeper, going 3/4 hours between feeds but he can't seem to see that this is good and if she wakes him up in the night he gets very angry with me and speaks to me as if I am stupid/ a child.
For example, last week she had her first jabs, that night she was very unsettled and only sleeping 5/10 mins at a time, I kept her quiet until 4am when she yelled and woke him up, he stormed out of the room after ripping into me and telling me to put her in bed with me (he is against co-sleeping AND I had already tried this) when I managed to get her back in her cot and sleeping he came back into the room and shouted because he had been on sofa and "since she was in cot he could have been in bed"
He didn't seem to care that he has I disturbed sleep from 10pm-3am and the next morning pursuaded me to go and do a full food shop (this involves driving 16miles each way, 2 supermarkets, school holidays so everywhere packed, a new car I'm not confident driving and all on 3 hours sleep.
I just wish he would either go to work (so we are not so barrel scrapingly skint and we would be out of my hair And I could start some sort of routine) or be a bit more cheerful about being at home! At my wits end and feel like I have 2 children!

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 14/04/2016 08:28

I don't think the current set up is working very well. I agree a new born puts pressure on a relationship but not to the extent you have described.

I think the role is proving very trying for him, I would not be happy leaving the baby with him FT because by what you have said he seems a bit bored/inadequate/resentful.

I can also see you going to work all day then coming home and him handing the baby over to you, he seems the sort after what you have mentioned.

He is not meeting your expectations and he is pushing your lower and lower and it's not right, don't lower your standards for him, the more you do the more unhappy you will become. You deserve better.

ValancyJane · 14/04/2016 08:41

This doesn't sound right. I think you need to spell it out to him that it's not acceptable and he needs to pull his weight. I have a ten week old DD who woke us both up crying at 4am this morning - DP couldn't get back to sleep so he got up and went downstairs once I'd settled her. If we'd had a bad night he'd have taken her downstairs so I could have a few hours; he did this frequently when she was tiny. He kissed us both goodbye before he left for work. He does sometimes play computer games with her on his lap (usually at night when she's dozy anyway) or when she's in the bouncy chair; but would not leave her crying and it's not the extent of his interaction with her. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him about this.

Zaurak · 14/04/2016 08:55

This will it be a safe arrangement for your dd when you go back to work. You need to keep a hawk like eye on them constantly past a certain point. Him distracting himself gaming is a disaster waiting to happen.

You haven't got a sahd unfortunately, you've got a man child. He needs to buck his ideas up.

AntiqueSinger · 14/04/2016 09:03

I don't think he wants to be at home with baby full time, no matter how great he seemed in the beginning or what he says. I don't think he's a bad person, or that you need to think of separating, but I do think he would be better off working and either you share responsibilities part time or engage a nanny, or he works full time and you reduce your hours. My concern with him looking after dd would be that small babies needs lots of communication to really strengthen their language skills and if he's doing long stretches of game playing and not talking to her, or engaging interactively much that could cause some issues. Not all men can manage to be stay home dad's. Just like some mothers can't.

Snoopydo · 14/04/2016 09:10

It's madness to have two stay-at-home parents and no money coming in. How/why did you think that was going to work?

The issue now though is his version of SAH parenting is different from yours. What a waste of space. You need to rethink the whole arrangement.

I went back to work and ex was SAHD and it definitely led to the end of the marriage because it was just an excuse not to work for him and I resented it every day. I took over and did everything as soon as I walked through the door and it still wasn't enough. Plus he was completely rubbish at it and would only look after the dc on his terms.

I think you need to get really firm and adamant and tell him what is acceptable or not.

AgentPineapple · 15/04/2016 08:32

Lauslaw from what you have said, it does not sound like he is the right choice to be a SAHD! He seems to think it's more of a holiday!?

New solution, both go back to work and put DC in to nursery at the end of your mat leave. Your DH sounds like he is looking for an excuse not to work and has found the perfect reason.

After our first DS I took 9 months mat leave and went back to work, it killed me but it made financial sense. I had twins 8 months ago, my mat leave is up in June and I have had to tell them I am not coming back because child care x2 for my DS and DD is more than I earn.

I will now be a SAHM and we will be skint but it's our only option. Is there a reason you both can't go back to work?

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 15/04/2016 09:19

Would you want to leave your little baby with him all day when you go back to work? I'd put money on it that she'll be in the chair (no so happily) from when you leave to when you return. At least he'll get a chance to practice his computer games though.

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