edited: what do I do about this crap?

[Chicago73]

Apologies if you already ploughed through the last post I made, I posted this as a comment in a random thread and when I realised, cut and pasted it here - what I didn't realise was I also pasted the rest of the thread too 🙈
1st timer so forgive the lack of knowledge and etiquette.

Problem is this. I am self employed work ft and earn excellent money, husband stays at home. We have 2 daughters 20 & 13 yo. He does school run and cooks dinner, but that's about it, the rest of the day he just watches tv. If I'm home he stays in bed for a lie in (!) and I do the school run (which I quite like actually) and everything else. We have cleaners once a week to do a big clean and me and the girls keep on top of it other than that. So you get the picture he's basically a lazy bast@rd. He's miserable and mean. The bit I wanted advice about is this, I pay all the bills, everything. He has some income from a property he owns so I don't physically give him any cash but he does not contribute financially at all. He agreed that I could have £500 a month for myself (from my own income!!) but this is eaten up quickly each month as I give the kids money, buy food at weekends and work in the city so stuff just costs more. I don't know why I am trying to justify this. I have a limited company which I invoice my clients from and the money gets paid into, and when I pay myself each month it goes into our joint account (which I am not allowed to use without being told off) and I withdraw £500 into my personal account. The business acct is in both of our names (foolish on reflection) so when I run out of cash I sometimes take funds (as 'director drawings' if you know the legalities of this stuff). I never told him I did this before. Anyway he's gone ballistic today because he asked how much money was in the business account and I told him and he said that seemed a bit low, so I told him I'd been taking extra sometimes (I've checked and it's on average about an extra £300 a month). He blew his top and has shouted at me calling me a liar and a thief and saying I am stealing from the family. I argued this was all my money anyway and that made him worse. Complicated by the fact that we own a house that my parents rent from us but is in his name (to be tax efficient - another error) he is now threatening to sell the house to "get back the money I have stolen". Tbh our marriage is shit and I'm really unhappy I put up with loads of crap because it's easy. I'm out of the house a lot working so don't have to deal with it. But this latest issue has just shaken me into reality - wtf am I doing with this loser. I don't know what I want people to say really, I just want to know what you all think. And perhaps a kick up the Arse for being such an idiot. I can't talk to anyone because people don't see this side of me, I'm living a double life and it's bloody miserable. Thanks for any comments.

[Offred]

Near enough anyway. He wouldn't necessarily get classed as a SAHP or primary carer just because he doesn't work is what I mean. The primary carer is the one who provides the primary care to the DC. Not working/working is somewhat incidental. You can't just sit off and watch Tv, have your spouse work, do all the housework and child care stuff and then claim to be the primary carer in court.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

But - he could claim he was doing all that?

[LineyReborn]

The DC are old enough to give a view and have a choice.

[Namechanger2015]

OP please don't think any of this makes you an idiot. It's emotional and financial abuse and it is impossible to be aware of the signs until it's too late. I am also a consultant, PhD qualified etc and yet I use to pay all of my earnings in Hs accounts. He would then pay me a small salary each month (less than a fifth of my earnings) and pocket the rest. I still don't really know how it happened. But it does. It's slow and insidious and creeps up on you. Glad you are seeing it now in a different light. X

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Ah, sorry.