Feeling despondent about the future of my marriage

[noideanow]

Just that really. We have both changed. I feel we have both lost the spark that used to be in us.
I thought I felt his way a few years ago due to having been through a traumatic event. But counselling and CBT helped me think more positively about things.

I feel that positivity has waned and I now think more negatively about a lot of stuff, including my husband.
He thinks it's all related to the trauma and I'll need to get more CBT, but I'm starting to think it's simply that I'm not sure I really love him any more.

He's great in many ways, but frustrating in many others. He has become obsessed with his newish hobby which takes up a lot of his time. On the outside, this looks great - he's fitter, healthier and is achieving his goals.

But they're not my goals. He'll be spending more and more time out of the house and he trains for bigger events and I feel resentful towards him.

I just don't know how to work it out whether it is me sinking into a cycle of negative thinking, or whether the problem is him (or my feelings towards him more I should say)

Or is it a 15 year itch??

I have no idea where I atart addressing this. I have tried to speaking to him and have said we need to work on our relationship, but his answer is always along the lines of "well, we've got that weekend away in X" or "when thing settles down at work" "when Ds starts sleeping better" ...

Any words of wisdom out there?
(Have name-changed for this but have been in MN for 5+ years)

Thanks for everyone's comments. They've been depressing and enlightening in equal measures, but definitely appreciated.
I sent a giant email. His response is attached. What that actually means in practical terms, I don't know yet. But it's a start I suppose.

If he is a goal driven person then it sounds as though you need to set some family goals - short, medium and long term ones. They can be small simple ones like Dad & child time every weekend for x hours, evening meal together all 3 of you 3 weekday evenings and each weekend.

We used to have those random, and I guess I should be taking some responsibility for those falling by the wayside ( working full time, busy etc) too.
Maybe there is hope afterall, I could live with the training if his time spent with us was good, quality time. But he's tired, irritable, distracted ( which he fully admits) and that's the big problem. He doesn't seem content with us, although he claims he is.

Maybe my honest, no holes barred email has opened his eyes to this.

Set your own goals. Everything is all about him. You don't state any ambition or goals of your own.

WTF at the idea of you going part time again so you can pick up even more wifework to help him meet his goals unencumbered by such trivia. Sounds like you regard his time in this world as worth much more than yours.

I don't run, not at all. My mum died suddenly 5 years ago, in horrible circumstances. I value my time here a lot more than you think, which is why I have been asking myself if I can put up with this long-term.

I went back to work full time because the opportunity was there and because it would ease the potential financial burden of DH changing jobs. At that time, I was fully supportive of DHs decision (he had earned enough in the last few years to pay a significant amount extra on the mortgage, and to buy a small but lovely holiday home (in the uk)) but his training has stepped up a gear since then. That's the major problem. DH does less at home due to being out more. And I work more hours so have less time to keep up with things, yet more things to keep up with.
If that makes any sense.

I've tried to resist defending him when PPs have criticised his character, as I've seen that before on MN many times and it never ends well. However, DH worked really hard for years to get to where he was, and changing jobs wasn't putting us on the breadline, nowhere near it. Increasing my hours meant that we didn't have to forego luxuries. We are comfortable even with DH almost halving his salary. That's irrelevant to what's behind my post though, I only mentioned it to highlight the fact that I've been supportive of his career career goals, but can't keep giving and giving when there seems to be nothing in return.

For a bit of context, DH took on my now almost 20yo DD at a time when her biological dad didn't pay me any maintenance. He never once complained, and happily combined his income with mine (his being higher, and at his suggestion I may add) when we moved in together. So he financially and emotionally provided for DD for from the age of 6, and has never once make me feel it was a burden.

This is why I can't relate to the new him. This selfish him. It's not the man I met or the man I married. I hope that man's still in there.

Road cycling seems to be the sport of choice amongst the middle aged men around here - I'd say half my town (of husbands aged 35 to 50) are involved yet all the wives put up with it. Why?

I think it's because privately, they prefer to spend their leisure time with just their children.

My husband spends 6 - 8 hours a weekend training at the moment which is a bit tiresome especially as we don't see each other during the week. however, my children are older and quite independent of him so we cope.

That's no help to you but the thing is, my husband gets so much out of the exercise that I let him. Well, not let him, obviously he makes his own decisions, I mean I support him I suppose.

The email is a good start. Good luck with 'the chat'. I left it too late and my resentment has killed off my feelings for dh. Its a sad state to be in. Its good to talk!

Sorry to hear that bombardier
I really hope I haven't left it too late.

Similar here Lizzie. The road cycling does escalate. DH is now obsessed with it. BUT it makes him so so happy. He has found a thing he loves and is good at. He has made friends through it. He is super fit. He is careful to do his own washing (and ours of course), goes out Saturday mornings when DC at their own activities and fits it in round family life e.g. whenever we go anywhere he cycles but is present the rest of the time.

It does put more crap/house stuff on me though. There is a line, he sometimes skirts close to it. He was in a race yesterday and I refused to go to watch him - girls and I didnt fancy standing by a road for 3 hours.

There is NO WAY I would have allowed him to do this when the dds were little. Now they are older they are good company/low maintenance so being left at home with them (all 3 of us reading in the garden in the sun) is hardly tough going. Being left with a toddler on my own for hours at a time though. No sodding way.

How are things going Op? Hope the chat went well and things are improving.

Hey Nina,
Sorry, only just saw your post asking for an update!
The talk went well, he has committed to cutting back after June (as he's already paid for this iron man and we've booked and paid for the hotel etc) and will only do sprint triathlons from now on.

That's fine with me.

However, there have been a couple of issues that have left me disappointed and still a bit worried.

We went on holiday last month and - low and behold - he found a triathlon to do! And he posted more posts and pictures of that on Facebook than he did of us on or family holiday!
It gave me the rage and we had words about it. I think he felt guilty after I had pointed that out. But he definitely didn't feel bad for taking one out of our family holiday!

On the other hand, he has now sorted swimming lessons for DS.

But we'll see what happens after June. Still a long way to go.

How are things with you?