Feeling despondent about the future of my marriage

[noideanow]

Just that really. We have both changed. I feel we have both lost the spark that used to be in us.
I thought I felt his way a few years ago due to having been through a traumatic event. But counselling and CBT helped me think more positively about things.

I feel that positivity has waned and I now think more negatively about a lot of stuff, including my husband.
He thinks it's all related to the trauma and I'll need to get more CBT, but I'm starting to think it's simply that I'm not sure I really love him any more.

He's great in many ways, but frustrating in many others. He has become obsessed with his newish hobby which takes up a lot of his time. On the outside, this looks great - he's fitter, healthier and is achieving his goals.

But they're not my goals. He'll be spending more and more time out of the house and he trains for bigger events and I feel resentful towards him.

I just don't know how to work it out whether it is me sinking into a cycle of negative thinking, or whether the problem is him (or my feelings towards him more I should say)

Or is it a 15 year itch??

I have no idea where I atart addressing this. I have tried to speaking to him and have said we need to work on our relationship, but his answer is always along the lines of "well, we've got that weekend away in X" or "when thing settles down at work" "when Ds starts sleeping better" ...

Any words of wisdom out there?
(Have name-changed for this but have been in MN for 5+ years)

I once read that women mourn a marriage before leaving it, and men mourn after it finishes. In other words, they dont notice til it is dead already. Perhaps it is ultimatum time?
I have a good friend who trains people for ironman. He never understands the family men who do this. He did it pre-kids. Its such a massive undertaking but it is just a hobby, not a necessity.
Tell him point blank you are thinking of leaving. See how he reacts.
And stop doing his washing!

Yes PLEASE set up that support thread!

Another frustrated sad angry wife of a selfish iron man wannabe here.🙁

I can so relate to this - the getting up early to exercise to not affect the family but then going to bed, being wrecked by 8.30pm. Meaning you get all the start of day work (getting self and kids ready for work and school) and the end of day work and no adult interaction. I think the getting up early thing is just a " live to exercise" excuse disguised as thoughtfulness. And the excessive exercise also translates into food, nutrition, sports gadgets, social media, TV hogging and contempt for people who don't exercise. Sad existence for an exercise widow isn't it??

What does he say when you ask to leave DC with him for five hours at the weekend? Does he even see how unreasonable his expectations are?

It's so utterly depressing isn't it? I'm so fed up with it. I am up at his time again as DS hasn't been well. I asked dh to get up tonight (I was awake until 5.30am last night!) His attempts at settling him were pathetic and its back to me to do it whilst he happily snores away. More resentment!

DH would be fine if I said I would be going out with Friends for example, for a full day every now and then (& I occasionally do) but wouldn't be if I said I was doing this every weekend... On both days.

My exH got massively into long distance running. We are divorced now, and despite the fact that DD only stays with him one night a fortnight, I still have much more free time, and far less housework.

It wasn't the only reason for the split, but it was another indication that his mental focus wasn't on, or indeed anywhere near, our marriage.

First of all take the wicker basket out of your bedroom and start washing your own and your dc's clothes as soon as they are.dirty, so no dirty laundry piles. Leave his filthy clothes in a bin liner in his car and only talk to him in a kind way. Do no more cooking or washing for.him. Remain pleasant as reverse psychology works much better. Disengage and take up your own interests, use him for childcare by simply leaving him to it.

Act as if the marriage is over already and he has joint residence so that means every other weekend is a childcare free weekend for you. If he complains say pleasantly that you are just getting into the routine post divorce so that he can get used to the new routine.

That should wake him up. Be firm op and remain pleasant even if you have to grit your teeth as that will encourage him to remain pleasant to you.

If he isn't then you know where you stand. You have nothing to lose by stopping doing things that make it easier for him!

Poor you - hope you and DS are resting. In my experience you start off supporting them as they get fit and some of them keep a balance but so many get hooked and it turns them into obsessed, selfish, entitled and contemptuous of non-participants and leaves their families neglected, with the grunt work and resentful. There was a suggestion further up that you join him!!! Use your Ds as a buoyancy aid in the pool, strap him to your back when you are out running? Not sure what to advise you..my OH is addicted although he thinks he is operating a higher plane..being the best he can be,following his dreams -may be his but not mine and not my DS who now they are older call him out on his selfishness which he hates.

Ida it's crunch time I think, he's either in this marriage mentally or he's not. I suppose I'll find out soon.*

Babbino* DS is almost 5 and I am petite, I'd need to be iron woman to strap him to my back when running! He's never been a great sleeper though, and I often wonder if part of my negative thinking actually comes from sheer exhaustion!

Wootoo DS is already calling him on it! "You're going out on your bike again daddy?? When will we get to play?"
"But you only just got in from work"

I can't understand why he doesn't see the selfishness of his ways. But once they're hooked, is it reversible?? Maybe we've gone past the point of no return.

Feel sick at the thought of having the conversation with him.

Sorry, I got you mixed up. I'm on my phone (and tired!)

I don't know if I could keep that up wotoo it's seems a bit passive aggressive and not really me. I'm not good at acting happy when I'm not.
I can certainly separate his washing, and put his in the garage maybe.

Have you talked about what happens after the event? I'd set a clear expectation that he has some solid months of family time with v little training. This isn't unreasonable at all. He needs to read some I interviews with professional athletes to see how much they value family time.

Stop doing his laundry. No maybes.

I'm another one who really doesn't understand how men with young children do this. I'm in a running club and most of the men have taken a big step back when having babies and accepted there can be no marathons etc for a while.

Well really - how dare he hold an iron woman with 4 kids against you when he's so pathetic, he can't even do his own washing or spend time with his ds, let alone stay awake to spend time with you? He obviously can't cope with it himself.

In a different boat but i have just laid it on the line and told dh i want to separate as he is a useless twat who brings nothing to the marriage (paraphrase). It has been a big wakeup call for him. He had no clue (well he could ignore) how unhappy i was. Dont seethe. Tell him he is bringing nothing to the marriage. See how he reacts.
His behaviour is a choice. Itsjust a hobby

Sounds like its crunch time. I'm so sorry.

It could go either way but hopefully he will see that divorcing is not an option and dial back on the exercise.

Could you agree to him getting past the next event then quitting to do something less intense? How much longer is it until his next event? I'm just thinking hat could be a compromise.

He needs to realise that in persuing his 'life goals' he is missing out on life. Ds won't be a playful child for long, he's got a few short years to make the most if him as this cute young age. Plus alienating you is going to mean his future family life will be completely different if you divorce.

You'd think he'd see that he's being unreasonable...

I don't think you have to have a big conversation as such,.

Work out the financials and practical side, who would live where, how much maintenance would you get etc.

Stop washing and cooking etc for him and don't be happy about it.

I called time on my marriage as my DH was so emotionally detached from me (not for a hobby) and it only took a week before the epiphany hit. Yes it's true I mourned a long time before I told him I was leaving and it is taking a long time to fix it back together.

As soon as I saw your first few posts I thought that he was likely training for triathlons or iron man challenges. You have my sympathies.

I swim, I do a lot of swimming during the week in a pool and then train for open water events when the weather is warmer and this means that I spend quite a lot of my time sharing the pool or lakeside with people like your husband.

The open water swimming community is generally very friendly and supportive but come the spring, when the 'iron men' pitch up, the atmosphere changes and becomes more aggressive and competitive.

In a way, you can understand it as these events take one hell of a lot of dedication and commitment but I can't imagine how that is compatible with family life.

Tricky though isn't it as when your partner starts to take an active interest in their own fitness you can do very little other than to be supportive and encouraging. Until it starts to become all consuming and extreme.

It doesn't seem as if your DH will readily accept the impact that this is having on family life. I hate to say it but perhaps it is family life that he is trying to distance himself from in the first place.

So sorry OP

Sounds very one sided.

Some men just check out of relationships when they are bored with it all. I have friends who have husbands who have gone down this route or deliberately changed working patterns so as not to have to do as much "family time"

Some men are great at adapting when kids come along. Other are not. It seems yours is one of the bad ones!

It's not compulsory to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. I am thinking of leaving my relationship currently for other reasons.

Does anyone have any experience of having worked something like this out?

I honestly don't think he is using this as an excuse to deliberately check out of family life. I think it's more about having found something that he's really good at, and allowing it (and the feckin kudos he gets from it) to consume him.

I have no idea whether he'll be willing to cut back a bit, at least until we can afford for me to I back to part time again, and I don't feel completely used.

But I can see I need to have that discussion soon.

I work part time time and still feel used. Possibly more so than when I was full time tbh. DH really ramped up the exercise when I reduced my hours. I feel I went part time to facilitate his training somedays.

You can only talk to him and try to get your point across. After an insane year where DH did a triathlon, an iron man and wanted to do an open water swim comp during our family holiday, we had words and set rules. At the time he could totally see he was being unreasonable.

We both wanted another baby so agreed no comps during pregnancy and with a newborn. We already have a four year old so I'm not struggling on my own whilst he works on himself. If there's house chores that needs doing it comes before training. He does half the childcare. All the laundry, half the cooking etc.

He's stuck to it but it hasn't changed the mentality. He's still obsessed with exercise, diets, weight, calories burnt and all that. He ignores that fact the iPad is broken and DS and I can't use it but can spend ages setting up his new weighing scales.

Physically he's around more and doing more but emotionally his out of touch, which why I now feel he uses it to disengage from our marriage. I think your comment about the present you bought him being left unopened speaks volumes, sadly.

Nina you are right, every time I see it lying there, my heart breaks a little bit more.

I really don't know what to do. I fired off an emotional text to him at 3.30am this morning, but DS has either been exploding from both ends or hyper and wanting to play. So it's been the elephant in the room all day.
He's heading to the airport shortly and will be away with work until Wednesday. Great.

Ps sorry for inconsistencies, I had changed some minor details (DD/DS) to avoid being identifiable, but then forgot. Never was any good at lying.

When you do discuss it or have some opening conversation via email please include that part about feeling heartbroken over him not bothering about your gift to him - how once upon a time it would have been hung up etc. Evidence to him how much he has changed.

Staying emotionally checked in takes work in my experience, it doesn't come naturally to everyone.

I think you need to be clear to yourself what your "family life goals" are. Then discussion (are his the same?), then action.

Just noticed you've updated with more info, noidea.

I'm not surprised in the least you are nashing your teeth with resentment.
He is selfish and self obsessed. Bollox to realising personal goals, what about his family? He's benefitting from the advantages of family life, laundry service, nice home and the ability to live his dream.

Ultra sports are incompatible with family life, the non competitor always ends up with the arse-end of the deal as you are finding out. Not what you "signed up to" and oh so convenient he waited until your DS came along before deciding to go off and find himself.

If you didn't have DC I would say tell him where to go because anyone who is clueless enough not to realise the bleedin obvious without you having to point it out, doesn't deserve you.

Struggling to think what to suggest...I don't think ultimatum in your situation would be helpful...

Could you mentally set your own personal goals - to bide your time until after his Iron man to see if he gets it out of his system and is prepared to knuckle down to family life and show you some respect. Or at that point ask him "are you serious / commited to us as a couple because I'm not prepared to put up with this any more "

You need to have that conversation. Perhaps plan what points you want to make.
Frankly you only have two choices. Get him to understand and change or Divorce.
Of course there is always the third option. Shut up and put up with this for the next 20 years or so.
Good luck.