I just found out my children have been physically abused by their father for all these years

[Takeitallaway]

I've name changed for this and can't go into the whole background as the post will be ridiculously long so I'm sorry if there are big time gaps in my story.

I married my abusive ex husband 12!years ago when I was 18 and we had 3 sons now aged 11, 9 and 7. The abuse was unbearable but I was so young and desperate to keep the family together that I stayed for far too long, this is something I will always regret.

I left the marriage nearly 6 years ago and their father has been having weekly visitation overnight unsupervised. He was only ever abusive to me and appeared to love his children and I thought they loved him. They used to run up and greet him when he came to pick them up, defended him after arguments, cried for him if he ever got arrested (usually for threatening me, refusing to leave my house etc.), asked to see him or when he was coming, told me all about the things he has bought them, the places he takes them.

Even though I was desperate to get this man out of my life and I knew he often used pick up and drop off to be rude and vile to me, I thought my children loved him and that he was a good dad (in as far as he loved the boys and would never hurt them).

At the end of last month, their Dad was physically violent to me after a drop off (this has not happened for several years as he is more emotionally abusive) and the boys were present. I had to ring the police and informed school what happened as my eldest son was directly involved and they were all upset. As a result, I stopped all contact with his children and he has bail conditions not to contact me.

My eldest son began to open up to a school counsellor, the first time he has ever spoken to anyone about his dad. My relationship with my eldest son is very strained and has been since he was about 6 (when I left his father) and he never opens up to me about anything. He told her that his dad has been using visitation all of these years to interrogate them, find out information about me, get them to say horrible things about me, go over arguments we have had for an hour at a time so they can see 'his side' and try to convince them that I was wrong in every situation. He told the counsellor to tell me what he had told her and also pass the message on to his dad that he didn't want to have these conversations anymore and that it made him sad. He also said if anyone else ever asks about his dad, he will retract everything and tell them it was all lies.

That night when he returned home, I told him I was happy he had finally talked about what has been going on and that if he ever needed to talk about anything that I would be there but I could tell he didn't want to talk further so I didn't push him.

On Wednesday evening, we had just finished dinner and it was just me and my middle son left at the table. I asked him if his dad has also been saying these things to him and that I promised I wouldn't ever tell his dad what he tells me. He began telling me the same things as my eldest son but went on to say they get hit hard several times on the head in a knocking fashion if they don't comply with whatever their dad asks. They have been hit since they can remember and if they cry when getting hit, they get hit more until they stop.

My youngest son then came in the room and I again reassured him that his dad will never find out what he tells me. He confirmed the same and more. It was like a floodgate had been opened and they couldn't stop telling me all the awful things their dad has been doing to them for all these years. They had to act happy to see him or they got hit when he took them home, he told them never to tell anyone about what was happening. They said they have always hated their Dad and never wanted to see him again. I promised them I would never let him near them again.

I then spoke to my eldest son and he confirmed everything. He cried and said he felt torn, he wanted his dad but he didn't want to get hit anymore. My heart broke

I immediately rang the police and my children now have to give statements next week for their dad to get arrested. I also told school the next day

I am in absolute shock and devastated that I let this happen. How could I not know? Why didn't they tell me? I might as well have been the one doing it to them as I sent them every week. I looked forward to them going so I could have a break. I'm sat revelling in the peace and quiet at home or out with friends while they are getting beaten by their own father and they can't call for help, they can't tell anyone what's happening because they are so terrified of their dad. It haunts me to think of them trapped there at his house, too scared to move. I should have protected them.

He ruined my relationship with my eldest son, he's always kept his distance and I have taken him to CAMHS several times over the years thinking he has ODD. I thought he hated my and it was so hard to be his mum sometimes. Now I know the real reason, his dad was poisoning him against me. He was scared to love me.

My other two have had behavioural problems at school. This man has ruined my children's lives for all these years. It all seems so obvious now but I just thought it was because they had witnessed DV, I never thought they were being abused too. I always thought my younger 2 would tell me anything.

I need to know how likely it is that this man will get jail time and I want to know for how long. This bastard needs to pay for what he has done but I'm so scared CPS will not prosecute due to lack of evidence. My children are terrified what will happen once he finds out what they have said. Can I get a restraint order against him towards the children.

I have an appointment with a solicitor at the women's centre next week but surely this goes further than the civil courts. I want to know this man will never be allowed near my children again.

I haven't been directly involved in an ABE for some time but there is usually an interview suite and a viewing suite. When the children are having their recorded interviews they will be in the interview suite with the investigating officers. There will be another staff member in the viewing suite, operating the equipment and taking notes. There might also be a social worker present.

I am unsure if you can go in the viewing suite or if you will have to wait outside. You must bear in mind the interview is evidence gathering for court so, whilst they won't want the children to become unduly distressed, they are likely to want to minimise disruption and will only stop the interview if they really have to. You will of course be able to support your children before and after.

I'm sure they will go through everything with you tomorrow. The detectives I've worked with in the last have been very experienced, they don't want to upset your children but, understandably, they also want to get the best evidence they can to potentially prosecute a perpetrator. They are pretty good at striking the right balance and building rapport so the children feel comfortable (well as comfortable as they can in the circumstances).

With regard to contact, you are armed with the knowledge that, unfortunately, getting a no contact order is unlikely. As such, could you focus your energies on ensuring any contact he has with your children is supervised by a 3rd party at a contact centre? You could argue that it would be unsafe for the children to continue to have unsupervised contact with their father, given the emotional and physical abuse they are alleging. Furthermore, you are unable to supervise contact due to the history of DV between you. I think it's worth discussing when you see a legal advisor.

Oh ABE means 'Achieving Best Evidence' - it's the name of the video interview

OP, please persist with Women's Aid. You can leave a message and they will call you back. They came back to me very quickly when I first contacted them. Hopefully they will be able to offer you some amazing support.

It really is scandalous that courts make children see a parent who is clearly harmful.

It seems so at odds to the ridiculous stranger danger we indoctrinate and enforce at every level of childhood.

I would second persisting with WA. They will advise on your right to a lawyer too.

I see a lot on here that one parent (usually the mother) is desperately worried about their frightened children having to see their abusive father because the court order says so. Why should the innocent, loving parent be put in the position of forcing their children to see the abusive parent? It's outrageous if true!

If an 11 year old, 9 year old and 7 year old say, 'we don't want to see our father,' then court order or no court order surely that's it? I mean, how could it be enforced? Are they manhandled there against their will? Is the innocent parent arrested? Surely not!

I've name changed too, as I think you'll understand but my heart really goes out to you OP. I was in a very similar position to you about 4years ago, 3 boys all two years apart. They were all going off visiting their dad, and I was encouraging it as I thought that it was the ' right' thing to do. We were going through a very messy divorce, he too was EA. He made lots of false allegations about me to the court etc, and it was this that was his downfall. All of my children were interviewed by CAFCASS separately which was a very emotional day, but I remember coming home after the interviews thinking the CAFCASS officer had been lovely to me, then she phoned me and asked me to sit down. It was then I found out that my EX, their dad had been physically abusing them when they were visiting him, he was questioning them about me and so on. They hated it, and obviously wanted it to stop. Finding out that he'd had my middle child up against a wall by the throat nearly broke me, I wasn't there to protect my little boy.

The police weren't involved in my case so I really don't know what happens there. But, as far as the court process in my case, very quickly all overnight access was taken away, he was not allowed unsupervised access and was ordered on to parenting courses. Any extra access that he may want such as birthdays etc was/still is at my discretion. I should state that all my boys wanted to continue to see their father, just without the violence!

Where we are now, none of them see their dad. They are all old enough to make that decision and they have all severed contact. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

As far as the contact order.. The CAFCASS officer, police ( saw them a lot regarding the divorce!) and solicitor gave me fantastic advice regarding this. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have changed, but the wording states that you should make the child/ren available for access. Well, this is something I always did, if they chose to not go that's up to them, it would be unlikely that they would be forced to go.

What I will add though is my boys are so much happier now, we all have a laugh together, they are incredibly close and for the most part we have a happy home ( I say most part because they've all become teenagers now ). I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a light at the end of what seems to be a very long tunnel.. Honest!

Hi OP, you need to contact national centre for domestic violence

Tel: 0800 970 2070

They will advise if you're eligible for an emergency non-molestation order (and a prohibitive steps order too) provided free by their services.

If eligible they can organise injunctions for you within 24 hours. Just to underline again - they are free.

Yes, I would second Prohibitive Steps, especially under these circumstances.

JustAnotherThree..you and your boys are really brave

I would also second Odfod's comment about school. We have amazing on site welfare officer...she has been wonderful in my case. I really hope that you have gained some useful information from your thread OP...the only way is up from now on

don't blame yourself !!! It's not you're fault , things will be better , take care and carry on xx

Just another, our stories are scarily similar. I'm so happy to hear you and your boys are OK now. It must be a relief to finally have some normality back in your lives. I know I have a long road to go before we can feel normal again.

Offod and formidable, I'm sorry you have had to go through similar. I'm shocked how commonplace this really is. I'm glad you both found school helpful.

I spoke with the women's centre today and they are trying to bump my eldest son up the waiting list for counselling. School have been good about pushing this and they are recording everything the boys have said so that if the police need to use it as evidence then they can at a later date.

I'm feeling very emotional today. I'm trying to get my tears out while the boys are at school as I know I have to be strong this afternoon while they give their statements.

I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much for the excellent advise so far and all of your amazing support

Hope everything goes ok today. Make sure you have some time for yourself this evening too

Thanks Dolly, we got back about an hour ago and my eldest son won't speak to me. He seems really angry and was refusing to eat but now he's taken his dinner upstairs.

I feel completely drained and don't know how to respond to him. He said he doesn't want to talk to me about anything.

[hugs]

Just spend time alongside him for now, stick a favourite DVD or TV programme on and just "be" in each others presence.

If he's safe and been fed let him have some space. As long as he knows you're there if he needs you (and pop your head in every now and then to make sure he's ok).

Not sure there's much else you can do. I imagine it's been a long emotional day for all of you.

I had an awful night last night. DS1 refused to go to sleep so I took his Xbox away at 11.30pm. He then stood by my door whilst I was in bed repeating over and over that he wanted it back. He wouldn't get out of bed for school this morning and tried to run away. Eventually the support worker from school came to collect him and he went but he was very upset.

He said he's angry with me for getting other people involved and angry at the school for sharing what he said ( even though they apparently explained to him that they may have to share information). The social worker didn't help things yesterday by openly discussing that my ex had tried to contact her and that they contacted him after the first MAST referral and that she wants to meet us both separately on Friday. DS1 took this to mean than loads of people are getting involved.

He's so angry with me and won't open up at all. I just feel exhausted and can't get my thoughts straight. The truth is I'm angry too, I'm so so angry he has done this to them.

I spoke to the DV helpline last night and they said there's no point asking for civil legal advice whilst there are bail conditions anyway so I cancelled the appointment with the solicitor today (partly also because DS1 was kicking off and I couldn't have got there on time).

I'm meeting with the women's centre today and I called victim support who have made a referral. The person I spoke to was surprised we hadn't been referred already. I told her I'm struggling to support DS1 in the aftermath of this because he no longer trusts me and his issues go far deeper than I know what to do with.

I was told late last night that they were going to arrest exH at 5am this morning but I've not heard anything since last night. They said they will include no contact for the children in his bail conditions which has given me a small amount of peace. I asked what they are charging him with and they said assault and neglect. Turns out he regularly gets drunk around them, something I didn't know. He's so scary when he's drunk, his eyes change and look like an animals. I'm devastated that they have had to be subjected to this. I'm scared enough of him when he's like that, I can only imagine how scared my DC must have been.

The social worker has also advised no contact for now but mentioned to the boys that part of her role is to help their dad get better. He can't get better, he's an alcoholic sociopath who only wants relationships with people to control them. I don't want the boys to hold out hope he'll change as I know he will let them down over and over again.

Oh you've really been through it. I'm glad the support worker from school was able to assist this morning.

I feel for your son. It must be overwhelming to feel professionals are involved due to something you told them about a parent, even if it's true and needed to be said. Maybe he's been so used to 'toeing the line' with his father he now feels he's 'betrayed' him and is worried about the consequences. It's an extremely complicated time for him.

How are your other children doing?

I understand where you're coming from re: social worker saying she will be working with their father to 'get better' Its a tough one as she has to approach it in a balanced way and offer your ex support yet she may think he's as unlikely to change as you do. It probably wouldn't be helpful for her to voice that opinion to you/ the children at this stage, she could risk being accused of prejudicing the enquiry or it could be seen as bias re: contact.

Can you ask the social worker to coordinate a meeting with school to help you manage over the next few weeks? In terms of children's behaviour/emotional needs.

Also, since you found out about this you've done everything you can to get help and support your children. Be kind to yourself and don't forget to ask for any support you need

I've been there too but I'm in France, where child protection is generally harder to achieve. The thing about this is that it is the long road. There are no quick fixes, and it takes an age to go though it all, sometimes multiple times in court. My DDs are 11 & 10 and are now no contact with their Dad. He calls about 5 x a year and that is enough for us. However I've been back to court 5 x - and only the last was me (on behalf of the kids) taking him to court.

Even when they were very small they didn't want me to worry so they kept pretty much everything about him from me. I am very open with my kids. I tell them everything that they want to know, because this is what they need, in order to have trust. And I always tell the truth, as unvarnished as I can. I do very little fudging. Sometimes its hard for my DP, but that is the way that works for us. Hearing that I am scared of their father so why wouldn't they be surprised them and made it easier for them to say what scared them. But also when I got to the point where I could say, you could tell me anything you want that he has said, because I simply don't care about his opinion.

They were heard by the judge, aged 8 & 9, and they had to see him in a visitors centre for 4 months for 2 hours a fortnight. Following that we were meant to sort out a new contact order between us. The children have chosen not to see him. My lawyer has advised us to leave it and only fight it if he takes us back to court. i.e. dont poke the dragon.

Things I have done and still do.

Collect evidence all the time. Record drunk calls, abusive messages, anything and everything. Get witness statements if possible. Never assume that you will only be going to court once. If one avenue is thwarted they often try another. You need as many bats in your corner as possible.

I use to leave my smalls with my phone and they would record their feelings (mostly that they wanted me to have a swimming pool!)

Keep a time line.

Get your boys to keep a time line. Give them a dairy to write it all down in. Go through it with them a bit say what kind of things they can put in. What happened at this visit (good and bad). It'll give the thing a bit of shape. And potentially help you all. Talk about feelings. How things make you feel.

Find a really amazing adult who your kids are willing to talk to. This is the hardest bit of all. Finally, having tried endless others, my kids talk to the family doctor. We take quadruple appointments if necessary. She really knows them and the courts take her opinion seriously. We have now found (after 8 years) a good child psychiatrist, and she is good for the report writing, qualification bit. I would be a bit wary of the school's intervention - your son is unlikely to ever trust the person he's been seeing there again. But I might be wrong. Don't assume the school will be enough help for the kids.

My eldest is the most affected by the abuse - we went through some of the Out of the FOG website together. It really spoke to her. Particularly the stuff about the kids of the abusive fathers. She was amazed that it wasn't just her Dad, but that there are others like that out there.

Read Why Does He Do That, just because everyone should. He is not sick - he's just nasty. He will not get better.

Lawyers do not all charge a fortune. Not even good lawyers. Find a good one (by recommendation - took me 4 goes to find mine). Tell them that financially you are not in a good place and you will not be receiving your cash in hand payments etc. Ask what you can do yourself. Do the leg work yourself and just keep them up to date. You need them in court though.

Thanks dolly!!
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Wally,* it sounds like you and your DC have had an awful time of it. It's a great suggestion to keep a log of everything.

ExH has still not been arrested, they couldn't find him yesterday. I'm worried that he won't be arrested before he meets with social worker Friday and that she will tell him everything before police have a chance to get hold of him which would mean a weekend of hell for us.

I'm really hoping that contact will never be an issue as they are all saying they don't want contact at the moment. I know this may change down the line.

I had to go into school to comfort DS2 yesterday afternoon as he was inconsolable. He told me he's sad because he doesn't have a dad anymore. I reassured him that there are lots of families which don't have two parents and that we are a strong unit with just is four. I'll admit my heart broke for him though.

What an awful thing to have to contemplate at 9 years old

I'd contact the police tomorrow and ask for an update re: his arrest. I can't imagine them wanting the case discussed with him prior to his arrest.

Also, do they know about the social workers planned meeting with him? If they can't find him I'm sure they'd be interested to know when he is due to be at a planned appointment as they might want to attend to.

I'm sorry to here your 9yr old was feeling upset. All you can continue to offer is your love, support and reassurance to your children. Hopefully, with time, coping with all of this will become easier for them. I'm sure it's all feeling pretty raw right now (and that's hard to verbalise at their ages).