I just found out my children have been physically abused by their father for all these years

[Takeitallaway]

I've name changed for this and can't go into the whole background as the post will be ridiculously long so I'm sorry if there are big time gaps in my story.

I married my abusive ex husband 12!years ago when I was 18 and we had 3 sons now aged 11, 9 and 7. The abuse was unbearable but I was so young and desperate to keep the family together that I stayed for far too long, this is something I will always regret.

I left the marriage nearly 6 years ago and their father has been having weekly visitation overnight unsupervised. He was only ever abusive to me and appeared to love his children and I thought they loved him. They used to run up and greet him when he came to pick them up, defended him after arguments, cried for him if he ever got arrested (usually for threatening me, refusing to leave my house etc.), asked to see him or when he was coming, told me all about the things he has bought them, the places he takes them.

Even though I was desperate to get this man out of my life and I knew he often used pick up and drop off to be rude and vile to me, I thought my children loved him and that he was a good dad (in as far as he loved the boys and would never hurt them).

At the end of last month, their Dad was physically violent to me after a drop off (this has not happened for several years as he is more emotionally abusive) and the boys were present. I had to ring the police and informed school what happened as my eldest son was directly involved and they were all upset. As a result, I stopped all contact with his children and he has bail conditions not to contact me.

My eldest son began to open up to a school counsellor, the first time he has ever spoken to anyone about his dad. My relationship with my eldest son is very strained and has been since he was about 6 (when I left his father) and he never opens up to me about anything. He told her that his dad has been using visitation all of these years to interrogate them, find out information about me, get them to say horrible things about me, go over arguments we have had for an hour at a time so they can see 'his side' and try to convince them that I was wrong in every situation. He told the counsellor to tell me what he had told her and also pass the message on to his dad that he didn't want to have these conversations anymore and that it made him sad. He also said if anyone else ever asks about his dad, he will retract everything and tell them it was all lies.

That night when he returned home, I told him I was happy he had finally talked about what has been going on and that if he ever needed to talk about anything that I would be there but I could tell he didn't want to talk further so I didn't push him.

On Wednesday evening, we had just finished dinner and it was just me and my middle son left at the table. I asked him if his dad has also been saying these things to him and that I promised I wouldn't ever tell his dad what he tells me. He began telling me the same things as my eldest son but went on to say they get hit hard several times on the head in a knocking fashion if they don't comply with whatever their dad asks. They have been hit since they can remember and if they cry when getting hit, they get hit more until they stop.

My youngest son then came in the room and I again reassured him that his dad will never find out what he tells me. He confirmed the same and more. It was like a floodgate had been opened and they couldn't stop telling me all the awful things their dad has been doing to them for all these years. They had to act happy to see him or they got hit when he took them home, he told them never to tell anyone about what was happening. They said they have always hated their Dad and never wanted to see him again. I promised them I would never let him near them again.

I then spoke to my eldest son and he confirmed everything. He cried and said he felt torn, he wanted his dad but he didn't want to get hit anymore. My heart broke

I immediately rang the police and my children now have to give statements next week for their dad to get arrested. I also told school the next day

I am in absolute shock and devastated that I let this happen. How could I not know? Why didn't they tell me? I might as well have been the one doing it to them as I sent them every week. I looked forward to them going so I could have a break. I'm sat revelling in the peace and quiet at home or out with friends while they are getting beaten by their own father and they can't call for help, they can't tell anyone what's happening because they are so terrified of their dad. It haunts me to think of them trapped there at his house, too scared to move. I should have protected them.

He ruined my relationship with my eldest son, he's always kept his distance and I have taken him to CAMHS several times over the years thinking he has ODD. I thought he hated my and it was so hard to be his mum sometimes. Now I know the real reason, his dad was poisoning him against me. He was scared to love me.

My other two have had behavioural problems at school. This man has ruined my children's lives for all these years. It all seems so obvious now but I just thought it was because they had witnessed DV, I never thought they were being abused too. I always thought my younger 2 would tell me anything.

I need to know how likely it is that this man will get jail time and I want to know for how long. This bastard needs to pay for what he has done but I'm so scared CPS will not prosecute due to lack of evidence. My children are terrified what will happen once he finds out what they have said. Can I get a restraint order against him towards the children.

I have an appointment with a solicitor at the women's centre next week but surely this goes further than the civil courts. I want to know this man will never be allowed near my children again.

I feel so sorry for those boys, no help to anyone I know, but the courts / system simply must act to ensure that they can live in peace with you now.

Needs - Unfortunately, I didn't make it clear in my earlier post that I meant no collecting/attending school for now as opposed to ongoing.

As the case is currently undergoing enquiry, the OP should tell school that her ex shouldn't collect/attend as:

• the police have advised her not to allow collection

-there is an ongoing enquiry into his care of the children

-it may prejudice any the enquiry for her to allow him to do so.

As you suggest, she will of course need to seek relevant orders if she wants this to continue (if he has PR).

I am a survivor of abuse, and also carried a great deal of guilt for years as my silence led to the girl I was babysitting for being subject to horrendous abuse. I can tell you right now that guilt has no purpose what so ever and will weigh you down, cloud your judgement and stain your future life with your boys. Accept what has happened, and accept that it was your EX's fault, not yours. This is the only was you can move forward as a family unit and help your boys to move on. Take every offer of help/therapy you can get, hopefully your eldest can still be helped in to a better place and learn to fully love and trust you and get rid of the demons his father has saddled him with.

You need to get legal advice, enquire about counseling for you to reduce the feelings of guilt, look into counseling for the boys ( as a family unit and also 1 to 1), talk to the school to make sure he is not allowed to collect them or contact them and most importantly, just be there for your boys. As another poster said, you are their stability. You are their refuge and their safe place.

Oh OP I'm so sorry that you and your boys are going through this

It seems unbelieveable to me that you can't stop him seeing them right now after this has come to light. I sincerely hope the system can help you to achieve that and you can all have some peace from this piece of shit

I don't have much to add, but I wanted to say that you are doing a brilliant job and all of the blame for this terrible situation is your ex partners. You are a fantastic mother and none of this is yours or your childrens fault.

Before I had children I always thought they'd tell me everything. That they'd feel able to confide in me if they were worried or scared or anxious. And that I'd simply know if something was wrong and automatically know what it was that^^ was wrong.

The reality is different. I'm very close to my sons (8, 5 and almost 1) and we chat everyday about everything. But, as they get older, I realise there is stuff they don't talk to me about too. For whatever reason they don't tell me everything, they keep some stuff back. And my eight year old is certainly capable of fibbing very convincingly if he wants to keep something from me. Everyone has secrets and children are no different, even with their own parents and even when their parents are loving, supportive and encouraging.

But why do children sometimes fail to ask their parents for help when they're worried, frightened or in trouble? Are they worried about upsetting their parents? Are they being threatened? Do they simply hope if they ignore it long enough it'll all just go away on its own? Sometimes saying what's wrong out loud is the hardest thing of all. Opening that can of worms is terrifying.

And it terrifies me to think my children are capable of keeping secrets or that they may not come to me for help when they're in trouble. It's one of my biggest worries as a parent - that one day it'll be me saying, 'how did I not know?' I think any parent can easily find themselves in that situation.

So please be kind to yourself. Their father is an arch manipulator but you have the facts now and all the problems your boys have had make sense. You can get through this together and they will feel the benefit of your love and support. And do you know what? Although they're worried about their dad and what's going to happen next I guarantee they will also be feeling incredible relief too; that they've finally said what's wrong out loud, the can of worms is opened and actually a future where they are protected from physical and emotional abuse is possible.

Good luck to you all.

Brilliant post Magical..

I totally agree with everything you say. It is difficult not to blame yourself but often the signs are so subtle. Looking back, I can see all the "red flags" but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Shortly after the incident with my daughter, my ex-h gave her £500 and told her to treat herself. I now see that that was so out of place in terms of ordinary everyday life that I can't believe I didn't see it for what it was. I can't believe the level of emotional abuse he inflicted on her, but he will never see it like that. I also think that often children will keep quiet or put up with anything if they think it will keep their family together. I would hope that my children will never ever feel the need to keep things from me again.

It is indeed terrifying.

The other stories on here are awful, I'm sorry to hear I'm not the only person who has gone through this. Thank you everyone for your kind words, I think it will take some time before I can even begin to process what has happened.

I've taken the boys out today, it's nice not having to wait for ex to turn up. He rang my mum last night expecting to see them today, as he isn't aware of any of this at present. He just knows I'm stopping contact but he thinks it's because of the DV incident.

It's hard seeing all the loving fathers here with their children and knowing my boys have never experienced that with their Dad.

Op this has made me cry and I honestly can't imagine much worse than this for a mum to endure apart from bereavement. Don't beat yourself up about your dss not telling you. My ds is much younger but I already see the torn loyalties/sense of guilt and complex maelstrom of emotions boys feel towards theirs dads. Nowt else to add except look after them and try to get them to open up which will be easier now the evil fucker's out of the picture.

Needs - Unfortunately, I didn't make it clear in my earlier post that I meant no collecting/attending school for now as opposed to ongoing

As the case is currently undergoing enquiry, the OP should tell school that her ex shouldn't collect/attend as:
- the police have advised her not to allow collection

-there is an ongoing enquiry into his care of the children

-it may prejudice any the enquiry for her to allow him to do so

As you suggest, she will of course need to seek relevant orders if she wants this to continue (if he has PR)

No she will need a court order to action it even once. The school cannot refuse to allow a parent with PR to collect a child even once even if a police officer or a social worker tells them to. They can cause delay tactics allowing the other parent to collect via a different door but they cannot prevent.

The exception to this is if a court order exists or bail conditions stipulating that he cannot collect them. Or if he kicks off at the school they can move all children to a safe location and a police officer can action an EPO and chose the other parent as a place of safety.

Many parents will try to action this without the relevant orders some schools even will do but they are breaking the law if they do and if the other parent has a brain it is incredibly easy to circumvent the plan.

to you and your boys. I really hope this is the line in the sand and from now on all your lives just improve and improve. I really hope that the law sees justice be done and your boys protected.

Of course now you know what has happened CAMHS and the schools etc. can give the proper support your boys need to come to terms with.

Thanks Needs...and apologies for getting it wrong. That said, I've known lots of police officers/social workers/ other professionals to advise this course of action (evidently wrongly, but also very rarely challenged by parents or later in investigations/proceedings).

I must say, it seems another example of the system being at odds with the immediate needs of the children. I appreciate PR is important but surely the welfare of the children is paramount and they shouldn't be allowed to leave with someone in the midst of an enquiry due to possible physical & emotional abuse towards them?

That said, on the flip side, I can see how parents in contentious separation/divorce proceedings could use allegations against one another in an attempt to 'informally' withhold PR, which could be problematic - therefore court orders are needed.

Is there anything OP should be saying to the school re: if father turns up to collect? Police have told her that school should contact them - is sticking with this ok? (I personally would and say that's what the police told me to do).

OP would he be likely to try and collect? He seems to have accepted you are withholding contact this weekend so I'm hoping it's a non- issue.

In her situation I personally would be in court Monday morning but many people will not be in a situation to do that.

The problem people have is many professionals rely on people thinking they are an authority and not challenging them with this sort of thing.

It's the same reason many people sign a section 20 when they don't want to.

Unless she has an order the only thing she can hope is that the police see fit to action an EPO the school can call them if they feel the child is at risk of harm as a result of hand over.

Thank you Schlong, it sounds like you are going through something similar and my heart goes out to you. All the years I've agonised about what was best for them, to maintain a relationship with their dad which meant myself and my family tolerating endless shit from my ex or stopping all contact and risking them being 'damaged' from not seeing their father and upsetting them. I'm just so angry that after it all he was damaging them more than I could have ever realised. I wish I could have stopped contact years ago.

I know it sounds selfish but part of me feels relieved. It wasn't all in my head and my boys do love me and each other. They are not just 'naughty' as some people think (including CAHMS who stuck me on a parenting course instead of actually listening to my concerns and assessing the boys properly) They were showing so many signs of abuse and I just couldn't see it at the time. I'm relieved that I can finally get rid of this man from our lives, I've spent my whole adult life dealing with this and it takes its toll.

What really breaks my heart is that he destroyed the boys relationship with each other. They have never spoken to one another about any of this. He pitted them against each other by forcing them to tell him if the other spoke out so they have been living in fear of each other too. Today I saw a moment of kindness from my eldest son to his younger brothers. A rare event and I hope is a sign of healing. I know they feel relieved that they don't have to carry this huge burden anymore.

They have all now explicitly said they don't want contact with their dad. Last night my eldest said at first he felt sorry for his dad as he has no other family in this country and looks 'so sad when he's arrested'. He then said he realises now that he did this to himself and no longer wants to see him.

The school have agreed the action plan to ring the police and hopefully after statements are given on Monday he will be in custody for a while and I won't have to worry. He has less than half a brain so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't figure out he has PR

Dolly, he hasn't accepted not seeing them this weekend. He rang my mum yesterday and she told him they will be at my house all weekend. He is respecting his bail conditions by not turning up at my house (or at least he hasn't turned up yet) because he doesn't want to go to prison.

I'm really not sure if he would pick them up from school but it's something I have to be prepared for. I don't know what he's capable of anymore. I clearly got it SO SO wrong when I thought he would never hurt my children

OP I'm so sorry this has happened, you sound like such a lovely mum and you and your boys will,get through this.

Have you had a look at The Hideout ?
It's a really good resource run by Women's Aid (for young people and children who have experienced domestic abuse). Hope it'll be of help just while you're getting other things sorted.

Takeitallaway - at least he hasn't turned up yet and hopefully he won't do so. If he does, don't open the door and call the police. Fingers crossed he'll leave you alone and, as you said earlier, come Monday it'll be statements & then custody for him (and the potential for additional bail conditions in respect of the children).

Please be kind to yourself. You weren't to know what he was doing, As others have said part of his abusive behaviour was to intimidate and silence the children from telling you....there's no way you could have known until they found the courage to speak out. And they have now. You are doing all the right things and you will have the support of professionals to help you through the next few weeks.

You also have our support

Thank you Dolly, your advice has been really helpful.

Thanks also metallic, the website looks like a really good resource for my sons to use. I worry that getting them counselling will take a long time when it's really now that they need it so it's a good start for them to realise they are not alone.

Your poor children, I feel so sad for them. They are going to need so much support. I really hope they can come through this. It is heart-wrenching. Poor kids!

You poor darlings. So sorry for all of you. Get all support you need and can.

Has anyone had any dealings with the civil legal advice service? I checked on the online calculator last night whether I qualify for legal aid and I don't.

I've requested for them to call me tomorrow but I'm worried about the costs of hiring a solicitor. Even though I work full time I struggle to make ends meet as I'm hugely in debt and only earn enough to make ends meet....just. Would they take this into consideration?

My ex pays me £200 a month in child support but it's a verbal agreement because he works cash in hand and doesn't declare it so CSA have assessed him as not working and therefore calculated that he owes me £84 for the last 3 years. They are pretty useless!

I'm guessing the poxy amount he does give me will stop now too as he was sporadic with it anyway but now he can't see the boys I know he won't pay for them.

He just bought himself an Audi, it's so fucking unfair!!! I reported him for benefit fraud last year and as far as I know, nothing happened to him. He actually said to me after the attack on me that I only called the police because his life is 'going well'

This man is deluded. Surely there must be a way for people in my situation who's children are in immediate danger to get help with legal costs to get no contact and residency orders??

He's bought himself an Audi whilst being assessed as owing you £84 for three children for the past three years! Meanwhile you work full time, are paying off debt and raising three children single-handedly.

Working cash in hand truly is the magic key to avoiding child support responsibilities!

Infuriating!

You could see if there's a Law Centre nearby that might be able to help: www.lawcentres.org.uk/

Citizens Advice has a help page with some ideas: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-rights/legal-system/taking-legal-action/help-with-legal-costs-free-or-affordable-help/

Also, check if your local authority has a crisis intervention team. They support women who have been in domestic violence relationships and sometimes offer free legal advice.

What is it with buying fucking Audi's? My ex has recently done exactly the same thing along with a personal plate illustrating his, OW's, her son's and my son's initials. Yet he pays a pittance in maintenance. They are disgusting excuses for human beings. Have you tried "Rights of Women" or Women's Aid OP? Please do give both a call, the former are buggers to get through to but will give you free legal advice and help you with this. Women's Aid are spectacular in my experience.

Thank you both for these links. I've tried the women's aid DV support line several times and can never get through. I will try the others tomorrow.

I'm already in touch with the women's centre and have an appointment to see a solicitor organised through them for 30 mins free advice on Tuesday but I will most likely have to pay to follow through with their advice.

I really don't want his money anymore, he can have his Audi and all the other material things he holds so dear.

All I care about is stopping this evil man from ever coming near my children again. I've read the child first campaign and it's terrifying that only 1% of cases get a no contact order. It terrifies me that I will get an idiot judge who will order contact with him and he will do something awful to the boys as revenge. He literally has nothing to lose when the boys are out of his control which makes him so dangerous.

Why are DV and child abuse cases seen so differently by society and the law. If someone unrelated to the boys had subjected them to this abuse it would be handled so differently. It's worse that it's their father doing it to them as it's the ultimate abuse of power and trust!!!

Dolly, will I be able to listen in/watch the boys giving video statements tomorrow? I want to know the whole truth about what their dad has done as I feel I only know the tip of the iceberg but I don't want to interrogate them at home. I'm also worried how the officers will question them etc. Will they be allowed out of the room if they get upset and want me there?