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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want my name back

55 replies

Flicknamn · 11/03/2016 19:04

DH and I got married almost 20 years ago and after all this time I still regret giving up my maiden name. I wanted to keep my maiden name at the time and talked it over with DH then. Although he said that he would support whatever choice I made, he also said he would feel awkward explaining my decision to his family and friends.

I'm so frustrated with myself for deciding to give up my name all those years ago. My married name has never felt like me and I still sometimes sign my maiden name on forms without thinking. Ridiculously, I feel jealous of family members who have my maiden name. I also feel hypocritical talking to anyone, but particularly my DCs, about feminism and equality when I chose to take my DH's name.

So I've looked into the process of reverting back to my maiden name and it's a faff but hopefully straight forward enough.

I'd be really interested to hear any opinions on whether this is as big an issue as I feel it is, whether anyone has been through this process and how simple/complicated it is. Are there any downsides to this that I'm not thinking about?

I haven't spoken to DH about this recently although he does know I regret my choice. We have one DS (18) and one DD (14).

OP posts:

HeadDreamer · 12/03/2016 13:08

caker having the same name as MIL is the biggest no for me! How about a double barrel name for your DC? It's what the Spanish does. So it's not anything new and out there.

cece · 12/03/2016 13:13

We got married in 1999 and I still accidently sign my original name. I thought I was the only one who regretted it - so I was pleased to see your OP.

I did bring it up with DH a year or so again and he was very unhappy with me even suggesting it. So at the moment I am still at the thinking about it stage.

Original poster

Flicknamn · 12/03/2016 13:20

HeadDreamer, the first time someone called me Mrs 'DH Surname' I instantly thought 'aaargh, that's MIL'.

Do people who keep their own name carry on being Miss? I don't like the word Ms so don't want to use that.

OP posts:

BoGrainger · 12/03/2016 13:24

Why don't you like the word Ms? You can pronounce it 'Miss' not this over exaggerated MZZZZ that some sarcastic people delight in saying.

rumred · 12/03/2016 13:28

Wow the impression this thread gives me is that men own their wives. Why on earth would anyone be unhappy with a person keeping their own name? It's crazy.

Op get your name back, sod them

mix56 · 12/03/2016 13:28

I lived with my H for nearly 30 years before we got married. (in another country) I kept my maiden name. It is my identity, it is my culture, it is my family & I am proud of my national heritage. There was simply no negotiating.
I am who I am, & my name helps defines me as being anglophone.
Also as it happens before marrying my father and my mother had the same surname ! also the family company had the name.
My kids had his name as it goes with the flow here , I was subsequently often called Mrs "husband's name", which I accepted as it made things simple.
I have had to fight several organisations who have since said I am obliged to use H's name, I have to show them the government text from their web site to get them to leave me alone. example the bank sending new cheque book in Mrs "H's name". which doesn't match my ID ! not helpful !
I had a telling off from my "SIL" just last w/e, she was outraged that I hadn't embraced the family name (which is a blast, as she isn't married, so doesn't have it !) I simply replied that I had spent nearly 30 years living without H's name, but with him, WHY would I want it now ??

Original poster

Flicknamn · 12/03/2016 13:28

I don't like Ms because I've only ever heard it pronounced Mzzzz.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2016 13:30

Why don't you like Ms? Please don't say because it's hard to pronounce if you don't have a problem with Mrs...........

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2016 13:31

Then you've only ever heard it being said by gits.

simbobs · 12/03/2016 13:32

I never even considered changing my name on marriage. DH was fine with that and our dc have his name. Hyphenated would sound ridiculous in our case. Like many others here I feel that it is who I am and that I did not cede my identity on marriage. Some people refer to me as Mrs Him eg at school, but I answer to that on those occasions. I do style myself Mrs, though, to reflect the fact that I am married.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2016 13:36

If it doesn't feel right after 20 years it never will.

Absolutely. I'm more than happy with my married name, even though I'm divorced. If I wasn't happy, I would change it (probably to my mother's maiden name rather than my own as I didn't like mine!)

Then you've only ever heard it being said by gits.

Don't be ridiculous.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2016 13:38

I did not cede my identity on marriage

Neither did I.

dontcryitsonlyajoke · 12/03/2016 13:53

I've been married 9 years. Use both names where it best fits - so birth name is personal banking, work, and any other things I do myself (social media for example) and I kept my driving licence in this name. Married name is for children so we have the same name and any family stuff, joint account and passport so we're clearly the same. Passport office let me put my maiden name in as a middle name.

So I have photo ID in both names, answer to both. My kids know me as both - sometimes call me Dontcry Smith and sometimes Dontcry Jones. I occasionally have a problem with finances, where they want me to be married name because it makes their lives easier but they always let me use what I want if I provide ID.

I'm happy using both. I think if myself as my birth name and that is my automatic one, but sometimes I find it useful to use my married name. My husband wanted me to be Mrs His Name at the time we got married and we did have a discussion about it then but I think he's realised it doesn't bother him that much what I am actually - I'm still his wife whatever I'm called and we're 9 years in now so there are more important things to worry about I guess.

HeadDreamer · 12/03/2016 14:01

flicknamn I go by either Dr or Miss. That's if I get to choose. I don't like how female identities are defined by our marital status. I don't mind Ms either but I don't think it's very commonly used.

But tbh since I got to my mid thirties, people have started giving me Mrs. (Tradesmen, the garage, real estate agents, etc). So I also get Mrs Myname. I don't correct people anymore now I'm a bit old and jaded. It just reinforces my view on how our identities are totally tied to being a wife. And these are from people who don't even know if I have a partner. I feel sorry to all those who doesn't want to be single but is.

TeddTess · 12/03/2016 14:38

i'm tempted to do a PHD just so i can go by "Dr" and forget the Miss/Mrs/Ms nonsense

nightandthelight · 12/03/2016 14:49

Took my husband's name. Six months later told him I wanted to change back as felt I had lost my identity. DH then asked if we could both hyphenate which we did by deed poll which wasn't a faff. Am very happy with my name now :)

fakenamefornow · 12/03/2016 14:50

I really wish this archaic practice of women changing their names on marriage would die out.

Let's imagine it never existed. You meet the love of your life and decide to get married, he suggests, I know, when we get married why don't you stop using your name and start calling yourself by my name? How does that sound?

I think if name changing ever does die out iwomen in the future will be incredulous this ever happened.

Sorry, not helpful op.

LionsLedge · 12/03/2016 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2016 15:14

To me, brilliant :o however, I had 29 years living with a ridiculous name so it was a huge relief.

Personally, I wish people (always women in this case) would just let others do whatever they wish without making snide comments about it.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2016 15:15

I've said it before but I don't see my surname as particularly important. I gained that purely through circumstance. My first names, however, were chosen for me out of love. Those are far more meaningful.

BoGrainger · 12/03/2016 15:21

If you had to change your name by deed poll and it wasn't part of the wedding ceremony maybe it would make people actually think more about it. Ditto titles. On another subject, you never hear men chomping at the bit to get rid of their family names but an awful lot of women seem to want to.

LionsAndTigersAndBearsHaha · 12/03/2016 15:32

Like I said, I regret not keeping my surname BUT that is only when I give it any thought and that's really only when a topic like this is raised. Most of the time I couldn't care less about what my surname is. Taking dh's surname was simply that, a name, it didn't make me lose my identity or mean that Dh owns me. I am so much more than a word.

I do wish I'd kept my name, I was 37 when I married and I liked it, but I find it hilarious that someone would put so much importance on it and think so deeply into why I made that decision or to even suggest that it wasn't my decision but that Dh took over my brain and made it for me.

Serenelight · 12/03/2016 15:37

Couldn't you just start using it and then when renewing passports etc just change it as you go? I have 2 names, bank accounts in each, email accounts in each, mainly use married name for schools or hospitals in relation to the children and maiden name for personal or things related just to me.

fakenamefornow · 12/03/2016 15:51

I don't see my surname as particularly important. I gained that purely through circumstance

That fine, and I don't mean this as a criticism of your feelings at all but surnames are important and imo convey much more than a first name and are much more important. The reason black people in America have English names instead of African names is because they took (or rather were given) the slave owners last name. I wonder how many last names have died out in Britain because of women giving up their name.

allegretto · 12/03/2016 16:00

I didn't change my name and the only thing I have found difficult is which title to use. I don't like Mrs Allegretto as it's my mum's name. Not a big fan of Ms so I sometimes just stick to Miss. Luckily I live in Italy so the problem doesn't come up much but I would think about which title you are going to use before changing.

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