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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant after two miscarriages, DP acting like a dick

33 replies

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 10/03/2016 17:25

I just need a safe to rant/cyber cry right now.

I've had two miscarriages within the last year, both at 8 weeks, and have just found out that I'm 5 weeks pregnant again.

I've had a really shitty, stressful day at work today and left early because I needed to get home and relax. Instead of showing me any sort of comfort, DP goes into a huge rant at me because I messed up something with our finances. I know I messed up - I haven't destroyed us financially but I made a big mistake that has set us back a bit (we're saving for our first home), but considering the circumstances I'm really upset that DP laid into me so hard. I'm tired and emotional and he could see that he was upsetting me but just carried on having a go.

I'm just so upset and angry that he doesn't even seem to care that my stress levels need to be kept to a minimum. He doesn't seem to realise that his actions are going to affect my emotions and our pregnancy.

Now he's stomping around the house like a fucking bear and I just feel like walking out of the house and not coming back.

OP posts:

Bluecarrot · 10/03/2016 17:27

What a stressful time for you both!
Is he like this a lot or do you think the stress is getting to him?
Hope you can get a little rest x

Murphyslaw21 · 10/03/2016 17:29

Can u not say anything to him about stressing you out right at this moment in time.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 10/03/2016 17:30

It is a stressful time for you both. After numerous miscarriages myself I know how stressful that can be for you both

I know I messed up - I haven't destroyed us financially but I made a big mistake that has set us back a bit

If I was him I would be a bit pissed off too however.

Has he just found out about the mistake?

Lovemylittlebears · 10/03/2016 17:31

He's being a nob. Try and do something nice for yourself if you can this afternoon and have an early night. I haven't fingers crossed for you. I had 3 and now have my baby boy cuddling me on the sofa. Hope you get a happy outcome xx

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 10/03/2016 17:31

I'm guessing that he's stressing as much as you are. Is he usually nice?

There's nothing quite like a financial mistake, particularly a big one to set someone off, and that and the added worry of the pregnancy might mean he's not thinking straight.

Tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels too - and be kind to each other.

Original poster

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 10/03/2016 17:31

bluecarrot he has his moments. He's not like this all the time but it's not the first and won't be the last.

Murphys I did but he said "Whatever" like a teenager. He really doesn't seem to care whether he's upset me or added to my stress right now.

OP posts:

Lovemylittlebears · 10/03/2016 17:32

*i have my fingers crossed for you

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/03/2016 17:32

Sorry you are stressed op but it sounds like he's very stressed too.

Chippednailvarnish · 10/03/2016 17:33

He doesn't seem to realise that his actions are going to affect my emotions and our pregnancy

But he could just as easily argue that your actions are going to affect both your emotions and the pregnancy...

Original poster

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 10/03/2016 17:34

Dontcare we both have. I should probably explain in a bit more detail. There was a debt that needed repaying (both of ours but in my name) and I made the repayments too high and can't back out of it now. It's not a huge set back but it means we won't be able to save as much per month now. I still haven't worked out quite how much it will set us back.

Slightly paying tit for tat now (I'm upset and angry!) but I feel it's relevant to mention that he recently paid our £2.5k for a course that he didn't even attend. My mistake is nowhere near as bad!

OP posts:

Original poster

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 10/03/2016 17:35

Good point chipped

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 10/03/2016 17:38

But surely if the debt is repaid sooner, then you just save the money you would have paid?

Not sure if you are applying for a mortgage but the less debt the better for doing so. So your "mistake" could actually be quite helpful

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 17:38

I have been in your position and I wouldn't expect any kid glove treatment for an unrelated issue, tbh

If he is being nasty, tell him so and act accordingly. It's nothing to do with your pregnancy.

Good luck with this one sticking, btw. I had two miscarriages and then the 3rd and 4th pregnancies were successful. All the best

Original poster

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 10/03/2016 17:44

I hope so Gobbolino!

Thank you anyfucker. Maybe I'm just tired and over reacting

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 17:46

Take care of yourself. Don't get dragged into any arguments if you are not up to it. It'll be ok.

Original poster

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 10/03/2016 17:49

I'll do my best! Thank you

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 10/03/2016 17:52

"he recently paid our £2.5k for a course that he didn't even attend."

What?!!

Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm seeing some possible red flags. Overreaction to a minor issue, double standards (he can make mistakes but you can't), joint debt in your name... These are all potential signs of emotional abuse - please could you read the list and see if anything else sounds familiar?

Abusers often get worse when their partners are pregnant (obviously it makes it more difficult for them to leave). So that's another red flag.

I might be wrong of course. Hope I am.

NameChange30 · 10/03/2016 17:54

Another point I would like to make is that it makes more financial sense to pay off debts before saving. Unless the debt interest is less than the savings interest (which is unlikely!)

Everytimeimwithyou · 10/03/2016 17:55

Actually I think you can expect kid gloves treatment a little bit. I had 2 MCs before DC2 and I found the start of that pregnancy really stressful. Maybe your DH is stressed or maybe he doesn't get it. Either way, try not to engage in the row, go look after yourself, I worked my way through a number of good boxsets as distraction. Good luck with your pregnancy.

whatdoIget · 10/03/2016 17:59

Wow I'm shocked that he's having a go at you when he wasted £2.5k!!
Is he trying to deflect attention away from his fuck up?
for you and hope everything goes well with your pregnancy

Aussiebean · 10/03/2016 20:03

If you are paying interest on the debt, it is better to pay it quickly because you end up saving the money you spend on the interest.

You will also, more then likely, not be earning much interest on your savings so in the end you will probably have more money.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/03/2016 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 11/03/2016 07:16

AnotherEmma I don't think it is EA; he has his prattish moments but is generally a good guy. Just not yesterday or when he splashed that £2.5k! That was a while ago now so I don't think he's deflecting, I only brought it up because I was angry about his reaction when I didn't react at all like that with him. Seems a bit irrelevant now that I've calmed down though.

He did apologise yesterday evening so I think all is better now.

Hopefully this will work out better in the long run. You're right about the interest; it's just the initial hit that is bad.

Thank you for the messages about my pregnancy, it's really appreciated

(Curious about what the above message originally said! )

OP posts:

Isetan · 11/03/2016 07:29

You do realise that even if you weren't in the early stages of pregnancy (with your history of miscarriages), his behaviour still wouldn't be acceptable. How is it that he can piss money away but your so called mistake (which actually makes financial sense), makes him think he's entitled to rub your face in it? I understand your aversion to stress at the moment but please, please don't continue to ignore his double standards because that sense of entitlement, is rarely confined to one area of your relationship.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, yay!

HellonHeels · 11/03/2016 08:04

Your 'mistake' is not a mistake it's a sensible course of action. It's almost always better to clear debt ahead of saving as interest rates on debt are generally much higher than on savings.

He on the other hand just blew 2.5k on nothing. Is he not very bright?

Does he often blow up at you like this?

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